Friday, August 21, 2009

More cohesive.

I don't know how you made sense of of that last post I wrote, because I just tried to read it and it hardly made sense to me, it just seems like a lot of abracadabra, and I can barely make out what it is that I'm saying to you. Now, with a lot of sleep, I seem to become more coherent and more co-ordinated and in charge of the keyboard again, although I still make many mistakes that I catch. I can walk straight without bumping into things and my co-ordination is coming back when I do ordinary things such as get a cup of coffee, which I was spilling all over the floor. I bumped into a lot of furniture and getting up and sitting down were quite a chore. I haven't even gotten dressed yet, as that seems to me impossible, but maybe I'll try that tomorrow.

I have since talked to my psychiatrist, my SPN and my head therapist of the therapies and of course they all tried to talk me into my self worth and the need for me not to kill myself, as there is a future for me in this world, albeit a sort of limited one, but a future nevertheless. I was reminded of how many people's lives I touch just by being alive and how important that is and that success in life isn't measured by monetary gain or by getting some hot shot job. That I am making a lot of difference in a lot of lives simply by being me.

Well, I have to think about that long and hard and see if there is indeed some truth in it. Part of me believes it, wants to believe it, but can I have a diploma for that please? Some official certificate that authenticates my doing this? People are full of praise for me, but go tell that to the man at social services who doesn't know me from Adam and assumes I will do my 20 hours of volunteer work a week and then eventually work that amount of time.

I know I help people in ergo therapy by asking the right questions and by bringing up the right issues. I guess I am valuable in that. And maybe I am valuable here in this blog world where I lay my life on the line and bare all for you to see. Maybe you learn a lesson from that, who knows? I am trying to see the value off my life and if I really make an impact on the lives of other people. Even if my life is very limited and protected and lived very carefully as it needs to be. Like a well tended plant.

The Swiss clinic that I was talking about only helps people who are terminally ill physically. They don't help people like me and the costs are phenomenal. That's why I took the overdose of tranquilizers, because I was so disappointed and wanted to do it on my own. I thought 370 pills would be enough. I don't very often have that many tranquilizers at home. Nor will I from this point forward. You can bet on that.

I am getting lots of help now that people know that I'm in dire straights. I am not left on my own to figure it out for myself. People know that I'm willing to try this again, albeit in a different way. I'm biding my time, though, I'm giving everybody an equal chance at helping me and me helping myself. I'm struggling for my life and the value of my life. I have to find some redeeming qualities in it.

Well, that's all I have to say for now. It is an explanation of some sort, tough I don't know if you will understand it. It makes perfect sense to me so far. Life is tough when your not equipped for it well enough. There are tougher broads than me out there.



Patricia said...

I have nothing helpful to say, but I wanted to comment so you would know I read your blog and it's important to me. I'm not sure why. I think you're very brave and tough despite your attempt at ending it all. People who have never wanted or needed to commit suicide don't know how restful it end the hurt.
I am so sorry some people have to have it so hard..not fair, especially when we seem to have to make up reasons that life is important. I don't know you outside the blog world so all I can comment on is that...suffice it to say, your blog is teaching people something...and if prayers work, you have mine.

Gail said...

You forgot we are sister members of the Tough Broad Club, boots and all!!!!

What would have been the pits, if this had worked, you may have had to do this life all over again. I have heard we have to get it right before we can move to the next level. Talk about a Twilight Zone!

I am sure, you have received many emails encouraging you, praising you, and telling you how valued you are in our world.

You may feel useless, as we all do sometimes, but you are not! You touch us all. Who knows how many people are reading your blog and not commenting, these people you are helping too.

We will get through this, Irene, we can't do without you!

Love, Gail

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're back with us!

I value you very much, and look forward to reading your posts each day. You always make me think. You are so open and explain yourself so well that you push me to try to do that too. You inspire me to get to know myself as well as you know yourself.

I have been around many people who suffer with various types of mental illnesses, and I have read a lot so I could support those people to the best of my ability - but I wish I could support you better in a more concrete way. I think you're worth it! Please keep up the good fight!

softinthehead said...

Thank goodness Irene, know that I have been thinking about you all day and so glad to hear you are still with us. Believe me when I say you would be very sorely missed so please do go anywhere. xx

John said...

came by - take care, Irene....

VioletSky said...

Welcome back.

Suessigkeit said...

Love you, happy to read you again. Please try the yoga and get out in the world. Your presence is as important as anyone else's ...even more so in fact. You are very special, with a completely unique way of seeing the world and relating your experience. So few people can do what you do....but I also know life feels at time like quite a burden. We have this in common...but the beast doesn't have to win. Like Gail said, you're a tough broad...don't forget it!!!

xoxo Your kid

Breakfast in California said...

Irene, I thought of you all last Sunday, and I wonder if that anniversary is chewing on your mind? Take a breath, start again.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Patricia, thank you for coming by and showing your support. It is appreciated very much. And thank you for your prayers. I'm sorry I can't get in touvh with you directly, like I do with the other commenters. Can you send me your email adress?

Frances said...

love and big hugs