More cohesive.

I don't know how you made sense of of that last post I wrote, because I just tried to read it and it hardly made sense to me, it just seems like a lot of abracadabra, and I can barely make out what it is that I'm saying to you. Now, with a lot of sleep, I seem to become more coherent and more co-ordinated and in charge of the keyboard again, although I still make many mistakes that I catch. I can walk straight without bumping into things and my co-ordination is coming back when I do ordinary things such as get a cup of coffee, which I was spilling all over the floor. I bumped into a lot of furniture and getting up and sitting down were quite a chore. I haven't even gotten dressed yet, as that seems to me impossible, but maybe I'll try that tomorrow.

I have since talked to my psychiatrist, my SPN and my head therapist of the therapies and of course they all tried to talk me into my self worth and the need for me not to kill myself, as there is a future for me in this world, albeit a sort of limited one, but a future nevertheless. I was reminded of how many people's lives I touch just by being alive and how important that is and that success in life isn't measured by monetary gain or by getting some hot shot job. That I am making a lot of difference in a lot of lives simply by being me.

Well, I have to think about that long and hard and see if there is indeed some truth in it. Part of me believes it, wants to believe it, but can I have a diploma for that please? Some official certificate that authenticates my doing this? People are full of praise for me, but go tell that to the man at social services who doesn't know me from Adam and assumes I will do my 20 hours of volunteer work a week and then eventually work that amount of time.

I know I help people in ergo therapy by asking the right questions and by bringing up the right issues. I guess I am valuable in that. And maybe I am valuable here in this blog world where I lay my life on the line and bare all for you to see. Maybe you learn a lesson from that, who knows? I am trying to see the value off my life and if I really make an impact on the lives of other people. Even if my life is very limited and protected and lived very carefully as it needs to be. Like a well tended plant.

The Swiss clinic that I was talking about only helps people who are terminally ill physically. They don't help people like me and the costs are phenomenal. That's why I took the overdose of tranquilizers, because I was so disappointed and wanted to do it on my own. I thought 370 pills would be enough. I don't very often have that many tranquilizers at home. Nor will I from this point forward. You can bet on that.

I am getting lots of help now that people know that I'm in dire straights. I am not left on my own to figure it out for myself. People know that I'm willing to try this again, albeit in a different way. I'm biding my time, though, I'm giving everybody an equal chance at helping me and me helping myself. I'm struggling for my life and the value of my life. I have to find some redeeming qualities in it.

Well, that's all I have to say for now. It is an explanation of some sort, tough I don't know if you will understand it. It makes perfect sense to me so far. Life is tough when your not equipped for it well enough. There are tougher broads than me out there.

Ciao...