Wednesday, August 19, 2009

No news is good news...

I don't really know what I have to report to you in this post. It certainly has been an emotional roller coaster for me today, but in the end it was all for my own good and I can't say that I did not get all sorts of support and attention. I figured some things out today and got my head on a bit straighter and that feels good. Of course, I didn't figure things out on my own. I basically sat and bawled a lot and had other people come up with the answers. Boy, I shed so many tears, I guess I had a lot of them in me that needed to come out. I feel there are a lot more there, but there will be lots of opportunities to get the rest of them out. I feel like that's what I need to do now, is just cry a lot and get all the sadness out of me.

You mean you don't have any sadness in you? I do, about all sorts of things and I've been saving it up and now's the time to let it all out. There's nothing like a good healing crying session, where your tears roll down the tip of your nose and your cheeks and you have to very indecently blow your nose very hard, until you're all puffed up and red eyed and your make up is all gone to hell.

That's what I did during ergo therapy this morning and chance would have it that three other women did the same thing, so it was quite a heavy couple of hours, but we were all better coming out of it than when we went in.

Two things are very clear. I have a terrible fear of failure and I have a terrible fear of the unknown and it all stems from the enormous amount of insecurity about myself that I feel. Ha, you're all going to say that that can't be right, that I can't possibly feel that way about myself, but let me tell you, it is true. It is so true, as a matter of fact, that, rather than face the unknown, I'm contemplating a very elegant way to step out of life and I have already discussed that with my SPN.

Anyway, that's what I found out this morning and I sat and had a very good cry about that, because it was a revelation to me and it was so very true and it was good that I said it out loud for everyone to hear and that I acknowledged it to myself, because half the mystery is solved that way. I know what I'm facing now and what my enemies are.

This was rediscovered and reaffirmed in another way during my visit with my SPN this afternoon and she discovered that my fear of failure and my fear of the unknown is what has sent me wobbling these past few months. That's why I'm so emotionally instable and exhausted all the time. I'm plain worn out from the fear and it is disabling me.

My instable moods have awakened the desire in me to step out of life elegantly. The fact that I have fear of failure and the unknown makes the desire greater, because I don't know if I'll ever get over that. The thought of a dead end life is not very inspiring, but I'm not going to do anything hasty, don't worry. Elegantly is the keyword. With a lot of forethought.

With all of this knowledge in my mind, I sit here very calmly. I am not upset right now. I know there is a lot of sadness in me still, but I know that there will be time enough to let that come out. Somehow it is all meant to be this way.

I'll let everybody else worry about the rest. I'm just going to do my thing the best way I know how and not worry about the future and not worry about the small things. I'll take it as it comes.

Have a very nice day everyone. It's very hot here, too much sunshine. Much too much.



Frances said...

Love you

Everyone fails from time to time - has down times and bad times. That doesn't make them failures.

You are one of us, with ups and downs and some bad times.
Your past hasn't helped you to feel a success, but that is because you have high standards for yourself.

If you set yourself impossible goals, you will likely fail. Your life is of as much value as the next person and of more value to those who love and like you.
At the moment when you don't like and love yourself, maybe your life doesn't seem of that much value to you. However, Irene, look back and remember that when you are up you don't feel like a worthless worm, you understand that you have something to offer the world.
My opinion is that it doesn't matter if you offer anything to the world, you don't owe it anything - you just look after yourself, enjoy the pleasures you have and do some interesting things, that is a life well-lived. You hurt no-one and you damage no-one, which is more than can be said for a lot of people. Just writing your blog is informing a lot of people about the struggle involved in living with mental health issues, that there are no quick fixes and it is sometimes a hell of a life. That is a worthwhile effort in itself. Not so many people are as honest as you, not so many people tell the truth and expose their own weaknesses and foibles. That's why people read you daily and take note of what you say. By doing this, you are making us more understanding of others with issues - that is also a positive gift to the world. Many more people have a key on what goes on in the world of mental ill-health. Good for you
Apart from all that, I like you very much, you have become one of my friends and I hope you will bear this pain and struggle on to the good times as I don't want to lose you. I am being selfish, of course.

Anonymous said...

I echo what Frances wrote.

This post upset me, mainly because of the calmness with which you wrote of your reawakened wish to "step out of life elegantly". I'm so glad that you've already discussed this with your SPN, but I have a tiny bit of experience with people who are contemplating suicide, so I know that this can be the dangerous time, when you are all calm and lucid and thinking quite dispassionately on the logistics of the act.

I like you a lot too, and have always admired your bravery in writing about all your struggles - and your triumphs. I'm convinced that you have it in you to win again, and I'm sending you huge cybersupport and many cyberhugs. Please be good to yourself!

powdergirl said...

A sincere question for you. Wouldn't the elegant step away from life be one of the great 'unknowns'?

I'm glad that you're getting things worked out, nothing wrong with a snot-dripping sob session, it brings clarity and release.

I'm for it, but I'm sorry you have to work so hard for the things that, I guess, I take for granted. I should be more grateful for the ease of my inner-life, and I thank you for the reminder.

Keep working on stuff on day at time, my friend, and best of luck, for what its worth. I'm pulling for you.

Big hug.

aims said...

Again I understand.

There's something about the fear of failure and the unknown that stops our breath - encloses our lungs and makes our hearts seem like a dead thing because they are a lump in our chest.

I hate to fail at anything. I'm too much of a perfectionist and when I do fail I take it as such a major event in life that I have a hard time getting over it. It could be over making a good cup of coffee - it doesn't have to be anything major at all.

And the fear of the unknown. Yes - I understand. How many times have I written about my fear of leaving the house - of stepping out into something I'm not familiar with. It makes me panic inside. I try to cover it up with a straight smiling face but inside I'm a mass of jelly and my stomach feels sick.

I wish I had the kind of support you do Irene. The ability to have someone to talk to - to listen to our fears and understand them - and most of all - to help.

Your strength and your ability to get down to the nitty gritty and discover what it is that is underneath it all - it inspires me. You make me do the soul searching that is so difficult - that most of the world doesn't do!

In the end - I understand. I'm not offering any words of wisdom here because I don't have the magical solution. I just have understanding.

I've been doing the same crying these last couple of weeks. By myself - letting the sadness inside out drip by drip. It will build up again because for me too it isn't all gone...but the letting out is like a small calming wind blowing over my deep wounds.

Here for you as always. To listen - to read - to exchange. Just here.

VioletSky said...

Most of us don't figure things out on our own. I envy you your support, though obviously not the sadness that draws you to that support network.

Oh, I understand. This post saddens me, on many levels. But Frances and Pinklea, especially, and also Powdergirl and Aims, have already said so much better what I would like to say.

You have made some good friends through your writings - and I count you as a good friend - and that is nothing to take lightly.

Anonymous said...

I hear you, Irene. You have been doing well, your therapy has been helping, as you said the other week, you wanted to go which is a positive sign. I just want to send you a hug. You're too far away from me to hug you physically so accept it in your mind.

Life is so up and down, often so wonderful yet so sad beneath the surface.

My love to you, CJ xx

Gail said...

It is in the air, girl!!!! We all have it and deal with it, each in our own ways.

You can two-step, side step, back step, high step, or step in it but you CAN NOT step out!!!!!!

We need you, you make life more understandable and I do not feel alone.

You have never failed me, you have always been there, so let it be for me, I am here for you, Irene.

We love you!

softinthehead said...

Oh Irene, everyone else here has said it so well, but just know we are all here for you, we value you and your words. As someone said, take it one day or even one hour ( or one cigarette and coffee:) ...) at a time but please remember we all come by everyday to see how you are doing so say strong....HUGS