Wednesday, August 19, 2009
No news is good news...
I don't really know what I have to report to you in this post. It certainly has been an emotional roller coaster for me today, but in the end it was all for my own good and I can't say that I did not get all sorts of support and attention. I figured some things out today and got my head on a bit straighter and that feels good. Of course, I didn't figure things out on my own. I basically sat and bawled a lot and had other people come up with the answers. Boy, I shed so many tears, I guess I had a lot of them in me that needed to come out. I feel there are a lot more there, but there will be lots of opportunities to get the rest of them out. I feel like that's what I need to do now, is just cry a lot and get all the sadness out of me.
You mean you don't have any sadness in you? I do, about all sorts of things and I've been saving it up and now's the time to let it all out. There's nothing like a good healing crying session, where your tears roll down the tip of your nose and your cheeks and you have to very indecently blow your nose very hard, until you're all puffed up and red eyed and your make up is all gone to hell.
That's what I did during ergo therapy this morning and chance would have it that three other women did the same thing, so it was quite a heavy couple of hours, but we were all better coming out of it than when we went in.
Two things are very clear. I have a terrible fear of failure and I have a terrible fear of the unknown and it all stems from the enormous amount of insecurity about myself that I feel. Ha, you're all going to say that that can't be right, that I can't possibly feel that way about myself, but let me tell you, it is true. It is so true, as a matter of fact, that, rather than face the unknown, I'm contemplating a very elegant way to step out of life and I have already discussed that with my SPN.
Anyway, that's what I found out this morning and I sat and had a very good cry about that, because it was a revelation to me and it was so very true and it was good that I said it out loud for everyone to hear and that I acknowledged it to myself, because half the mystery is solved that way. I know what I'm facing now and what my enemies are.
This was rediscovered and reaffirmed in another way during my visit with my SPN this afternoon and she discovered that my fear of failure and my fear of the unknown is what has sent me wobbling these past few months. That's why I'm so emotionally instable and exhausted all the time. I'm plain worn out from the fear and it is disabling me.
My instable moods have awakened the desire in me to step out of life elegantly. The fact that I have fear of failure and the unknown makes the desire greater, because I don't know if I'll ever get over that. The thought of a dead end life is not very inspiring, but I'm not going to do anything hasty, don't worry. Elegantly is the keyword. With a lot of forethought.
With all of this knowledge in my mind, I sit here very calmly. I am not upset right now. I know there is a lot of sadness in me still, but I know that there will be time enough to let that come out. Somehow it is all meant to be this way.
I'll let everybody else worry about the rest. I'm just going to do my thing the best way I know how and not worry about the future and not worry about the small things. I'll take it as it comes.
Have a very nice day everyone. It's very hot here, too much sunshine. Much too much.