Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Take that.

I was up during the night until 4 AM, couldn't sleep and spent my time reading old entries to my blog, which was very educational and eye opening, because I had forgotten a lot of that stuff. All those moods and up and down movements and little dramas and scary moments. It's good to look back on it all and remember how it has been and I didn't even go back that far.

Finally at 4 o'clock I was tired enough to go to sleep and then, of course, I overslept and was late for my ergo therapy class, but I wanted to take my time waking up with two cups of coffee and do my morning routine in the same regular way I always do, so I wasn't rushing and running around with my head cut off.

Ergo therapy went fine. We have another new person in the group, like we did last week, and these are people who stand at the beginning of the process, so they need lots of support and encouragement, which I am always happy to supply, because I am just like Polly Anna and such a good and positive girl. Gag me with a spoon here. Miss goody two shoes optimistic with her head stuck in the sand. Get the beam out of your own eye first, lady.

Anyway, I try to be a beam of sunshine in an otherwise somewhat morose conversation at times and I am always convinced that my positivism will reap its rewards. Surely I get sick to death of myself sometimes and so must the other people. I have to remember to have my own complaints ready the next time and discuss my own difficulties and not gloss over them so easily. I must bitch more often.

After the therapy, it was off to home where there awaited me a very happy Überhund whom I walked straight away and he was very appreciative of that. He peed on all the frozen bushes and on all the frozen tufts of grass, because it was quite cold during the night and in the morning too. Then I had my mug of coffee and took some time to contemplate my navel and discovered that it was still at the center of my universe. That does give me some satisfaction.

Then I made a trip by bike to the drugstore to buy the Überhund some delicious food for 5 days and then it was off to the pharmacy again for another drug round. They see me coming there and stand at the ready with the bag of pills. I am a good customer and the pharmacist probably goes to the Bahamas every vacation from the profits he makes on my drugs.

The tranquilizers and sleeping pills are now not covered by the insurance companies anymore, unless your psychiatrist adds a special code indicating a necessary need for the pills in your regime of medicines, which mine has done, thank goodness. I would hate to have to start paying for them myself. This new policy is an effort to get people off the addiction to the pills, as it is felt that they should do without, but some people need them long term. I am one of them. I can reduce them slowly and do without, but I don't function nearly as well and sleep badly and feel a lot of stress. I have quit them more than once in the past, but always go back to them in the end.

I have my new weekly schedule at home now and will start living according to it starting tomorrow. It is full of good guidelines that I will try not to deviate from too much, but there is also built in a lot of free space to do with as I want. I have to plan some activities to fill up my spare time and not just sit behind the computer or in front of the TV. I am looking forward to some better weather, so the Überhund and I can go for longer walks. That's one thing, but there needs to be more.

I am trying to arrange get togethers with a woman from one of my groups, but our schedules are very different, so it's been tough. The will is there anyway and we both have dogs, but she lives at the other side of town. I can't just walk over there.

I have to get my much neglected camera out and take pictures, but I've been saying that for some time and I'm not doing it. I feel like I am wasting a whole side of my potential by not being engaged enough. It just reminds me that there is so much room for improvement.

Well, balderdash! This is not supposed to be a post to get down on myself. Contemplation is one thing, breaking down criticism is a whole other thing. I will stop that right now.

That's all I wrote. I have to do some Internet banking and eat something. I can't live on lunch meat alone, even though it is very tasty.

Have a good rest of the day, you all. Keep smiling, especially if it puts dimples in your cheeks.



Jill of All Trades said...

Have a good day.

Frances said...

funny - good lively post. You are sounding livelier and getting more Spring-like in your mood. Maybe the lengthening days are affecting you for the good.
I agree completely with you about how much things have changed. Though you are still having some difficult moments, it doesn't seem to be a daily round of agonies and hyper feelings. Much more balanced. Still amazing how you have transformed from that troglodyte to this person who gets out and about and mixes several times a week. Yay you!

Mean Mom said...

As I said over at my place, I think that you sound much more content, these days and your mood is much more consistent. Taking the decision to live alone was definitely a step in the right direction. It seems to me, that you have been gradually on the up, since then. You've had a few problems to deal with, but have overcome them, as I remember.

Maggie May said...

Another action packed day and you sound as though you are very much on top of everything ...... Contentment seeping out of your blog. Very nice! X

Maureen said...

I have to agree; you are dealing with life's typical ups and downs extremely well. There is no denying you are a strong confident person. It is such a treat to read your everyday routine... it makes ME pay attention to details in life as well! Hope you have a lovely evening.

I went in for a few hours of work (for an important meeting) and now am at home again recuperating with my feet in warm socks ;)

Wisewebwoman said...

Hello from the snow, Irene. More and more of it. I'm stuck today missing my workshop and a client appointment, still in PJ's.
Not knowing what to do with myself.
Waiting for the good neighbour to plough out the driveway.
I am tired of winter. Tired of self-imposed incarceration.
You cheer me up.

aims said...

What an eye-opener it is to read back posts! I bet you really did notice the difference that the rest of us have.

I would think it very hard on a lot of people that they would just all of sudden have to start paying for meds they needed. I'm sure there are a lot of doctors saying that they are needed. My goodness. I couldn't cope through one day without my painkillers.

I think I might do the same thing as you do - try to throw a bit of lightness on glum subjects in order to lighten the mood or cheer someone up. I've often gone away with red cheeks myself wondering why I said such and such a thing.

The Man cringes when we are out in public because I've been known to say things I shouldn't - just being excited and it comes out of my mouth. I'm getting better at not doing that tho - especially if I happen to glance at his face. I can tell he's holding his breath in case I blurt something out.

Anonymous said...

Hello,my friend! Sorry I have not been visiting lately, my family is taking up so much of my time.

I would love for you to get some pictures up! I really enjoyed them. I have never been out of the U.S. (aside from Canada, Mexica and Bahamas) so the pictures are a real treat.

I'm so glad you have understanding doctors, who know that many people have to be on traquilizers for long term use.

I'm so happy that you are going to groups and socializing a bit. It is good for the soul.

Sending love.

Babaloo said...

Well, it is still winter and I'm sure you'll have more energy to meet people and also take your camera out again once the weather improves a bit. Don't beat yourself up about not doing enough, if we were bears we'd still be hibernating now! :)