Saturday, March 21, 2009

I never did.


Well, I ended up not going to the store. I just wasn't in the proper mood for it and felt like doing other things, so I looked at my supply of milk and decided that I would have to make it last for the weekend. Instead, I washed the covers of the cushions of the sofa and they came out nice and clean and I've already put them back on the sofa too. It was fairly easy to do and not at all the pain in the neck that I thought it would be, so now I am going to do it more often. There's nothing like stainless cushion covers on your sofa.

I had washed the covers on the red and white striped chair already and next are the covers on the black and white chair. That will be next weekend, or maybe tomorrow, I'll see. I've done odd little jobs around the apartment this afternoon and I took a nap also. This was after I discovered that a small tin of mackerel is too much to eat for me, so I can strike that off my grocery list.

In order to recover properly from the after effects of the overdose of mackerel, I had a glass of cold chocolate milk to make me feel better. I do like that very much and I think that despite the diet, this is one item that I will keep buying. It is such a treat and I do make it last long. I usually have a glass before I go to sleep at night, but sometimes don't get around to drinking it, so it still is there in the morning when I wake up, and I drink it all up then and it is such a treat to start the day with. How very decadent of me!

I took all of the plants out of their pots and gave them a good soaking in the kitchen sink. They perked up before my very eyes. One plant I bought was not doing very well. It was loosing all of its leaves every time I touched it, yet growing new leaves where it was loosing the old ones. I have moved it now to the kitchen windowsill and hope that more light will encourage it to do better. Maybe its the kind of plant that ought to come with an instruction booklet and not the kind I should own. I'll see how it does in its new spot among the jars of vitamins.

I just took the Überhund for a walk and you wouldn't believe how nice it was outside. I could have done with just a sweater. The sun has been shining all day and there was no wind and it really did feel like the first day of spring. Kids were playing outside again and that's always a joy to behold. Boys with their footballs and girls on their roller skates. There's lots of room for them to play, as it is a child friendly neighborhood.

It makes me think of when my own kids were that age and the fun they had playing with the kids in our street and how safe they were there. All the kids in the neighborhood went to the same school and they all played together and all of us moms knew one another. We all had each other's phone number. I think we were very privileged living in the neighborhood that we did, because everybody had a large front yard and there was a playground at the end of the street. You always knew where your kids were and if you didn't, you could track them down easily.

Hey, I mustn't get caught up in memories of the past! That chapter is closed and behind me now. I do have to stay in the here and now. It's no good looking back longingly at some things that were and forget the rest, although I do have to say that with my children, these were happy years.

When I was 37 years old, I had a complete burn out and I ran away from home. I took my clothes and my books and left. I left behind a marriage that I should never have gotten into and two teenagers. I didn't have it in me anymore to take care of anything or anybody. I felt as though I liberated myself out of a prison cell. That's how oppressive my life felt to me. I never went back. If you want to know if this was easy, I can only tell you that I was consumed with guilt for an enormously long time afterwards, but I still could not go back. I liberated myself at a terrible price. Not only to me, but to other people as well, but I could never go back.

I don't recommend this course of action to anybody. It was an act of desperation on my part. The only way I knew to get myself free. It was very hard. Your children will suffer and so will you.

You see, now I've gone back into that past anyway and revealed some of it to you. The less appealing part of it. Some parts of your life are forever damaging to your mind. This was one of them.

On to other things more happy. Now I live this life and it is becoming to me. After all that, it turns out that living by myself is the happiest scenario. It turns out that I'm a self sufficient woman who likes her own company. After all that, I know this. It sure took a lot to find this out, but better late than never, right? There's a book called 'A Cabin of my Own' and I read it a long time ago and it had an appeal to me then, but I think I wasn't ready to understand it then, so I should read it again and see how I perceive it now. I will look it up at Bol.com.

I think I was prepared as a child to be married and have children without questioning if that was truely my fate and if it was the right one for me. I think that I was an overanxious mother and that I worried so much about everything that I worried myself into a state of irreversible anxiety. The load became to large to carry. I was too conscious of what I could and did do wrong, giving myself a failing grade at the end. I don't think that motherhood came that naturally to me. It made me overwrought. It hurt me too much.

It's good to have animals. I know what to do with animals. I know how to feed them and pet them and take them out for walks and be kind to them and patient. I don't know how to raise a human being and do a good job. I'm not smart enough for that and I know the pitfalls too well and I don't think that everybody should just go ahead and procreate. We shouldn't take it as a given.

Okay, that's enough self analysis. In the meantime, it has really become evening and it is dark outside. That means I can close the blinds and put on my pajamas and sit on my very clean sofa. I will make myself some Cup a Soup and watch the news.

Have a good evening all of you. Don't get bogged down in your own minds.

Ciao...

14 comments:

Maggie May said...

It must have been hard to break out of a marriage after all those years together, but you say it shouldn't have happened in the first place!
I am pleased that you are enjoying your life better now and that you have your animals and a complete understanding of them.

Thanks for all the things you share with us, Irene. It helps me to understand you better and I think it probably helps you writing it down. Good therapy. X

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Thanks for your kind words, Maggie. It helps that you are understanding. It's daring to share these things, but I feel that I can.

Lisa Sarsfield said...

Lol, plants with instruction manuals. Yes I agree! Those little tags never offer enough informationa and I usually loose them anyway. Actually I don't notice the plant needs watering until it reaaallly needs it so i need very forgiving plants!

Thanks for your comments, I would love to do an AB with you some day, this current one I am doing is organised by someone else so they make the rules!
I found my groups on Yahoo groups..have you looked there?

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Thanks for the tip, Lisa. I will go look on Yahoo Groups.

Babaloo said...

Sorry, I've been "away" for a while, just so many things to do and read and get organised... but I'm back now and I'll try to catch up with what's been happening with you!

It must've been tough to leave your life behind when you did but it seems like it was the right thing to do after all. Not easy but right.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Yes, Babaloo, it was not easy, but probably the right thing to do. It just took a long time to forgive myself for it.

Gail said...

I discovered you through "Three Dog Blog".

What first attracted me is that you smoke...a rare animal, indeed.

I smoke and walk.

Your words are amazing and I shall return!

aims said...

You are a very rare person Irene. Your insight into yourself is incredible.

No matter what you know that your daughter loves you. It has been obvious over the last year and a half.

To me the strict control you put on yourself when you left was must mind boggling. I fear I would have given in and gone back - only to wither and die inside. Your strengths are absolutely incredible.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Thanks Aims, I could not go back, it was impossible. I might as well have tried to amputate my arm.

Grit said...

i am so glad i read your blog irene, and i feel fortunate to know you here in blogland.

Wisewebwoman said...

{{{Irene}}}
You are a wonderful writer with marvellous insight. This post is superb in every way - if not your best.
I had known you had done this (from another post?)and it was such a life and death decision and you made it.
It was your very survival.
You are truly amazing, my friend.
XO
WWW

Nora said...

Wow, you are brave! To have chosen freedom and to share it here. You have a fellow chocolate milk lover, also..

John said...

I am always in awe of your honesty. Take care, Irene.

The header image looks like Dutch easter eggs...a soft glow of what will spring up, soon.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Grit, thank you. I feel pretty fortunate to know you too.

Mary, thank you for the wonderful feedback. It is someone like you who gives me courage, you know.

Nora, sometimes it is about survival and sometimes it is about drinking chocolate milk. Lol.

John, and I am always in awe of your artistry, so that makes us even.

I think I can eat one Dutch Easter egg, but I'd rather have a chocolate one.