Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Good Long Think.

After having written my not so cheerful post this morning, I sat down at the dining table and had a good think about the last few weeks and what my attitude had been and how I had been managing in my life and I came to the conclusion that, especially during the past two weeks, I had not been doing all that well.

I was not managing my household well, I was feeling stress about things that I should not feel stress about, I felt tired in my head from thinking about things and wanted to shut it off, the least little thing upset the structure of my day and caused me to become dysfunctional, everything seemed overwhelming and like too much effort and intimidating and too large in size for me to handle, I wanted to take a pill that would make me stop feeling all the painful and stressful parts and leave me not so vulnerable and I had a hard time talking to my SPN.

Being very familiar with my moods and the times of the year when they happen and knowing a depression when I see one, I could only conclude that I was having one now and the realization that this was so, was almost a relief to me, because it explained so much of what was going on in my life right now.

I called my SPN and explained the situation as I understood it to her and we both came to the same conclusion, which was another relief, because there is nothing worse than thinking that you have the answer and have someone else deny you it.

We put our heads together to think about what we should do and decided that I should go back onto the Temazepam during the day to take the edge off. It will take away the feelings of stress and chaos and make me relax more and not be so sensitive to what I perceive as painful or difficult things around me.

So I just went to the pharmacy to pick up the capsules and I have taken one and should start feeling the effects pretty soon and it will be a load of my mind, I can tell you that.

I know my depressions are temporary states of mind, but that doesn't help me completely when I'm in the middle of one. I know there's an end to it and that I have to wait it out and be patient, but in the meantime, I don't want to feel the negative effects of it. I should say, I want to feel as few of them as possible. That isn't too much to ask, is it? Who ever got any wiser from the negative effects of a depression? There are easier ways to learn things in life than that.

The pharmacist asked me, with a look of disbelief on his face, "You are going to take this medication and that one as well?" You see, I'm a special case and we try things on me that they don't try on other people. I'm willing to take the chance and it takes a lot to get me medicated. It always works out well and I guess I am fortunate.

Well, now the medication is working and I feel a lot of things slide off my shoulders. That's nice. It means that for tonight I can relax and not worry about things that much. Lord, the things I've worried about! All by my lonesome self. It was a regular full time job.

The afternoon sun has warmed up the apartment so much that the temperature on the thermostat is higher than what I had set it for. The weather is going to stay nice for the rest of the week, so that means longer walks with the Überhund and peeking into people's gardens to see what grows there.

Right, I'm off! Have a good evening and be well for goodness sake.



aims said...

First off - the gossamer woman is quite lovely Irene. I really like it. It brings to mind an airy feeling.

You're getting so much better at recognizing what is happening to you. I don't know if I can do that myself. I think for me it takes me a very long time to be able to step back and have a good long look at my thoughts and actions.
You're very lucky you have a SPN who supports you so completely. Don't lose her.

Wisewebwoman said...

I can relate to gossamer, Irene, I can relate to depression.
You are sounding so much more in charge of your life, your moods and your emotions.
Looks good on ya.

Babaloo said...

I'm glad you figured this out before it became worse. Hope the meds help.

Bev said...

Sweet Irene, I am in exactly the same boat as you, on mertazerine and fluanxol, an anti-psychotic. I am also seeing a psychiatric nurse regularly, which may be equivalent to an SPN.

For much of the time I have been reading your postings I have been depressed, although I haven't been as honest as you. I know the feeling of plunging into an abyss, mainly with the memories that plague me. Your blog has kept me going and I like the new look! I know excatly where you are coming from.......:)

Maggie May said...

Glad you are feeling better now, Irene.
You certainly are getting better at recognizing symptoms and acting on them.
Have a relaxing night.X

Jean Levert Hood said...

I love the new image of your blog title, Irene, The Gossamer Woman. May that help lead the way as you go along your journey.
The best to you,

The Gossamer Woman said...

Aims, living on my own has forced me to become very self reliant. I have to watch over myself and look out for myself. I think that's why I do a good job recognizing what's going on.

I am very happy with my SPN and really appreciate her, don't worry, I won't lose her.


The Gossamer Woman said...

Mary, I am much more in charge of my life, my moods and my emotions. I have to be. I am the director of it all. Thanks.


Babaloo, I know the medicines will help me, thank you.


The Gossamer Woman said...

Dear Bev, I was wondering what had happened to you and a bit worried, but now you've explained it all. Please take good care of yourself and I hope that your medicines and the psychiatric nurse are of great help to you. I find so much benefit from them myself. I am glad you commented to this post. You know you can email me too if you want to unload through my profile. Take care, sweetie.


The Gossamer Woman said...

Maggie, yes, I am getting better at recognizing my own symptoms before they get out of hand, thank goodness.


Jean, I'm glad you like the new image and title. I think they are most appropriate now, don't you? I am sure I'll be fine, thanks.