Tuesday, March 31, 2009
A Good Long Think.
After having written my not so cheerful post this morning, I sat down at the dining table and had a good think about the last few weeks and what my attitude had been and how I had been managing in my life and I came to the conclusion that, especially during the past two weeks, I had not been doing all that well.
I was not managing my household well, I was feeling stress about things that I should not feel stress about, I felt tired in my head from thinking about things and wanted to shut it off, the least little thing upset the structure of my day and caused me to become dysfunctional, everything seemed overwhelming and like too much effort and intimidating and too large in size for me to handle, I wanted to take a pill that would make me stop feeling all the painful and stressful parts and leave me not so vulnerable and I had a hard time talking to my SPN.
Being very familiar with my moods and the times of the year when they happen and knowing a depression when I see one, I could only conclude that I was having one now and the realization that this was so, was almost a relief to me, because it explained so much of what was going on in my life right now.
I called my SPN and explained the situation as I understood it to her and we both came to the same conclusion, which was another relief, because there is nothing worse than thinking that you have the answer and have someone else deny you it.
We put our heads together to think about what we should do and decided that I should go back onto the Temazepam during the day to take the edge off. It will take away the feelings of stress and chaos and make me relax more and not be so sensitive to what I perceive as painful or difficult things around me.
So I just went to the pharmacy to pick up the capsules and I have taken one and should start feeling the effects pretty soon and it will be a load of my mind, I can tell you that.
I know my depressions are temporary states of mind, but that doesn't help me completely when I'm in the middle of one. I know there's an end to it and that I have to wait it out and be patient, but in the meantime, I don't want to feel the negative effects of it. I should say, I want to feel as few of them as possible. That isn't too much to ask, is it? Who ever got any wiser from the negative effects of a depression? There are easier ways to learn things in life than that.
The pharmacist asked me, with a look of disbelief on his face, "You are going to take this medication and that one as well?" You see, I'm a special case and we try things on me that they don't try on other people. I'm willing to take the chance and it takes a lot to get me medicated. It always works out well and I guess I am fortunate.
Well, now the medication is working and I feel a lot of things slide off my shoulders. That's nice. It means that for tonight I can relax and not worry about things that much. Lord, the things I've worried about! All by my lonesome self. It was a regular full time job.
The afternoon sun has warmed up the apartment so much that the temperature on the thermostat is higher than what I had set it for. The weather is going to stay nice for the rest of the week, so that means longer walks with the Überhund and peeking into people's gardens to see what grows there.
Right, I'm off! Have a good evening and be well for goodness sake.