Oh darn, it's late again!

I'm sitting here with a glass of milk (no coffee, thank you) and I think I should go to bed, but I want to stay up just a little while longer to give you fair warning that I have changed my template and the name of my blog to the one that it was over at Wordpress. Just for the form, I have put in a small picture of some sunflowers, but it was really beside the point. I don't really need a picture to justify my name, just like I don't need an apology for having two bowls of goldfish on my header. I just liked them a lot and would like to stick my hand in the very full one and stir the fish around. I do think the water would get awfully clouded quickly and it would have to be changed every hour.

I told myself that I would make it to bed before midnight, so that is my goal. You will never know if I make it, because I can put whatever time I want on the post when I publish it, though I'll probably be honest and post the real time. I'm not very good at lying when it comes down to it, unless something very important depends on it.

I'm sitting here in my gray cardigan in my warm apartment with Tyke by my feet so that I have to sit with my legs at an awkward angle. This is causing me some knee pain, but I'm blaiming that on old age. Can't blame it on the dog, oh no. He's sound asleep and gone from this world, but I know that as soon as I get up, he will be wide awake again and want to play with all of his toys in the middle of the night.

I have to go to bed now and before that I have to take my medicines and get into my pajamas and let Tyke out one more time to see if he'll do a piddle. Listen, I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing half of the time, so just bear with me. It will be alright, I think. I will come out okay at the other end.

Ciao,
Nora

A New Name.

For several days now, I have been thinking about changing the name of the blog, but I had not come up with a good one yet until today and then I looked at my list of randomly generated titles and saw the word gossamer and I liked it so much, that I knew I had to use it and had to either find an image of some extremely delicate lace or of a spiderweb. The spiderweb turned out to be the easiest one to find and I found one in the right colors too, so voilá. I hope it doesn't confuse you and that you get used to it soon enough.

I'm having a bit of a hard time getting used to the summer time that we're on now since this weekend. I find that I really do run one hour behind schedule at the end of the day. Of course, I don't look at the clock that much, but trust the daylight that I see and that throws me for a loop. I mustn't do that, because I'll never get used to it being an hour later.

I had no problem waking up this morning. I was early, as a matter of fact. No doubt worried about sleeping too late, even though I had set the alarm clock. I took a full hour to drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and I even got in some computer time. Then it was off in a rush to get ready and do all the things I need to do in the morning and I always hope I don't forget something crucial, like pull on my skirt or something.

I got to creative therapy well on time and sat and had an espresso in the stinking smoking room with all the other smokers. Some people are leaving after several years of therapy and are a little downcast, but I don't blame them, because they don't know what to do next. They have been disqualified for work and have no place to go.

I finished a sculpture today. It is of a reclining woman, abstract, but recognizable, with breasts and a vulva. The therapist put it somewhere safe to dry, because it is fragile, but I said it was really because it is pornographic. I've picked out which sculpture I'm going to do next and I can't wait to get started on it. It is purely abstract and chunky and solid looking.

I did the grocery shopping this afternoon and when I got to the tobacco counter, I asked for extra strong tobacco in a pot, but they didn't have any, so I'll have to go to the tobacconist and have him order it for me. In the meantime, I'm smoking the mild kind, which is okay too for now. When I have my mind set on something, I must have it, stubborn fool that I am. It's very hard to talk an idea out of my head once it's in there.

My apartment is a disaster. I needs to be cleaned and dusted and vacuumed and I am going to do all that tomorrow. I walked in today and realized what a mess it was. I haven't done any real housework in a few days, having been lazy and discombobulated, which I absolutely have to stop being now. I so very easily let myself become unstructured and free falling and it's no good. I waste my time and accomplish nothing worthwhile and all goes to hell in a hand basket. I really should have a maid, so I could continually waste my time on things such as writing and blogging. Well...I'm just saying!

I took a little nap on the sofa this afternoon, but now I feel like I could go straight to sleep. I am yawning and the tears are nearly running down my cheeks. You know what time it is, don't you?... Yes, it is pajama time!

Well, I hope I have been mildly entertaining to you tonight. I'm so tired and hungry, I hardly know what I'm doing. I need to curl up with something hot and get cozy. No, I don't mean a member of the opposite sex, thank you. That's more trouble than it's worth.

Have a good night. See you tomorrow.

Ciao...

Updated

The other blog has been updated, I just wanted you to know, including the text, so there is no confusion. Also, since there were only hours left on the first poll, and since I muddled things up by changing the name and image, I put up a second poll that only gives you two choices, that makes it nice and simple, doesn't it? I hope you'll be kind enough to vote in this second poll also. I'm sorry that I confused matters so much in the first poll. That sure didn't make it easy on you.

Now I'm sitting here all nice and comfortable with my second mug of coffee and the Überhund at my feet. Outside it is 1 degree Celsius and it is raining, causing the Überhund to decline going out back for a piddle. Well, I can't blame him. I wouldn't voluntarily go outside either in this weather.

Once I got the show on the road yesterday, I walked to the tobacconist with him and he enjoyed that, because it is a different direction than we usually take and there was a lot for him to sniff. We had to stop at every tree and every lamppost to check out which dogs had been there. They were all strange dogs, of course, so the Überhund was quite busy.

Inside the tobacconist he was very impatient to go back outside again, he just doesn't like to be in strange places. He thinks they're all scary and he gets claustrophobic. He's always pointed to the door. If he could audibly heave a sigh of relief when we leave, it would be a very large one.

Then again, there is all that fun on the way home of checking out all those same spots again and relishing all those strange smells and hopefully finding something edible. He's a street junkie. He has eaten something before I can stop him, he's that quick. When I say, "Drop it," he swallows it, whatever it was. He is very nondiscriminatory. I think he eats inedible junk too.

I have to remember that I'm a daytime person and not pay attention to my moods in the evenings. There is such a difference between how I feel during the day and how I feel after the sun has gone down. I don't know if that's a coincidence. I can be very down on myself and everything and everybody around me. It has gotten to the point now, that I know I shouldn't comment on any blogs that I read, or write a post myself. I'm terribly grumpy on top of that and feel like picking fights with people, even when there is nobody around.

I have imaginary disagreements in my head and I am always angry when I have those. I don't feel that way during the day, so it is like a page has been turned over and I have suddenly moved from one scene to the next. The mood changes quickly, like a sudden change in the weather. Suddenly I am not a kind tolerable person anymore, but an unkind and intolerant bitchy woman.

The best thing that can happen, is that I recognize these changes in my mood and that I don't act on them, but back off any actions and go find a quiet place where I can do no damage. So, I put on my pajamas and turn on the TV and watch some inane program that takes my mind off everything and makes me sleepy. It's a good thing that I am alone then and don't go into a discussion with anyone.

By all rights this blog should be called 'The Finely Tuned Woman.' It's a shame that I didn't think of that earlier. The Idiosyncratic Watermelon is a good second , though. I like that word, idiosyncratic, it comes close enough to idiot and don't worry, I don't really think I am one. Complicated, yes, crazy, no.

Luckily, I go to sleep and I hopefully sleep long enough for it to be healing. Then I can wake up in the morning with a whole new attitude and be a kind and positive person again.

I woke up at 3 AM and thought, "What, am I supposed to be awake already now?" But then I realized that I just had to go to the toilet and when I was done, I crawled in bed again and very quickly was asleep again until 8 AM. If I'm not too stubborn, I can actually sleep for a long time.

I do have to get a second alarm clock, since the one I have is set for the times that I take my medicines. I'll have to ask the Exfactor if he has the spare one. He is coming by this afternoon, because he accidentally took my bicycle keys with him.

Well, I suppose I'll get going now. It is late and I still have to do my morning ritual. I think it has stopped raining too, so I have to walk the Überhund. See you all tomorrow.

Ciao...

P.S. Yes, I have done the unthinkable and unpredictable and added a new name and image. I am incorrigible and will never learn. It makes me unreliable and a general pain the neck, I know.

Comment Downpour.

Whenever I write a post about my life, no matter how complicated I think it gets, I always get a downpour of positive comments and I consider myself so fortunate and so much loved that it is hard for me to explain how much it means to me all.

You let yourself talk about your most intimate feelings and that is good, even self indulgent, but sometime later you think about how it will be perceived by the people who read your blog and when they will run out of patience with you and come back with a snide remark, and you know that will hurt you, but you will also think that you deserve it for being self centered.

Therefor, my good people, I am ever so grateful for your patience and kind and encouraging words and for showing me the relativity of it all and for not letting me make a mountain out of a molehill. I could be writing into a void and only hearing the echo of my own voice, but thanks to all of you, I hear many voices. My gratitude for that.

I had a very short night, as I was woken up by some cats who were fooling around with some blinds in plastic cases that were standing in the corner of the hallway. Of course, they fell over with a lot of racket and cats fleeing in different directions and the Überhund getting upset. These blinds should have been taken to the dump a long time ago, but never were, so I'll have to place them somewhere else. It's bound to happen again.

The problem is, that once I am awake, I am so happy to be awake, that I want to stay that way, so I do everything I can to assure that I do. I turn on the computer and make myself a mug of coffee and turn on the music on the iTunes Player and light a cigarette. Then I go and find some activity to do on Facebook, for example. Something active that gets my braincells firing. I remember my father getting up stealthily in the middle of the night, so he could be busy very quietly in his workshop. He didn't want to waste any time sleeping either. Of course, my father went quite mad in the end...

I am not allowed to do any voluntary work or to follow any course without the explicit permission of Social Services. Anything I take on must be approved by them. Since they have promised to put me on a trajectory to get me back into the workforce, I have not heard another word about this. I was supposed to see one of their psychologists and be evaluated, but nothing is happening yet. I have been warned by everyone to let sleeping dogs lie and not take any initiative myself on this. It is more important that I stay in the current therapies as long as possible and to not rock the boat. My exemption from work ends officially on January the 5th, but I will be unable to do anything unless they have put me through the whole trajectory. The ball is in their court, as they say.

I think it is just awful that I can't go to the Random Word Generator and go look for new names. I feel very frustrated about that, it's like a piece of my happiness has been taken away. And then there was the joy of finding the right images.

Oh yes. I am forgetting the other stuff, aren't I? The crazy making bit. I am like an alcoholic thirsting for a drink.

It's storming so very hard outside, the rain is being whipped against the windows.

So long, dear people, I hope you have a bit of sunshine in your life now. Or a beautiful moon shining down on you,

Mwah...

Downpour.

The morning started off with a big downpour of rain. It fell straight out of the heavens and flooded the street. I thought it was not the most opportune time to walk the Überhund and took my time getting ready for creative therapy instead. I thought that if it was still going to rain like that at 9 AM, I would call and tell them that I would be late, but at 8 AM the rain stopped and the Überhund and I made a dash outside.

He was in quite a hurry to go and dragged me through the communal flower patch, where my boots sank into the soft mud. I was wearing my nice boots for a change too, isn't that aways the way it goes? Then it took him some time to find the proper place to go and I don't know exactly what the criteria are. There have to be bushes or grass or leaves, or a big tree. Or a hedge that he thinks he can crouch under, but not really. His rear end is always sticking out.

Anyway, it stayed dry and that was nice, because I made it to creative therapy without one drop of rain splattering on my carefully combed hair. I had time for an espresso and a cigarette while everyone drifted in and then I was ready to tackle the work of the day, which was, surprise...a collage! I have sure been bitten by that bug.

The problem with the one I was working on today, was that I made it too easy on myself and there was hardly a challenge in it, so the next one has to be more complicated and difficult to do. I need to have problems to solve and complications to undo and difficulties to overcome. This one was a piece of cake and therefor I do not appreciate it as much, although it turned out well enough. I am not impressed by it, though.

I invited 4 people to our divorce party and all 4 of them accepted the invitation with much delight, which was a worry of my mind, because I didn't know how they would react to it, but they were all very good natured about it and talked about it on and off for the rest of the morning. You don't know how people will react to the idea of a divorce party, but it was all fine. Especially after I told them that the Exfactor and I weren't going to recreate scenes of our marriage.

It stayed dry the rest of the day, but the sky was cloudy and there was a heck of a wind blowing, which was especially cumbersome on your bike going into it, because sometimes it felt like you weren't getting anywhere. And sometimes it felt like you'd be blown over.

I made it home in one piece and had a mug of coffee before I walked the Überhund, who was wagging his rear end again from happiness at seeing me. We took a short walk through the neighborhood, because of the cold wind and after that I did some household chores. I did not turn on the computer. Purposely, I did not.

Then it was time to see my SPN and I rode my bike into the wind to her office, getting there completely stormblasted with my hair in all directions. It was a different look.

I very carefully told her the story of this weekend, not leaving out a single detail, because I know no shame, and now we are going to figure out why my identity is so wrapped up with my blog and it's name and it's image. We've already brainstormed that some. It has somehting to do with my evolution as a singular human being and finding my identity as that person and getting lost in that, but we haven't got it all figured out yet.

My medication can't be changed. I am already at the maximum dose of everything, unless I really go bonkers and they have to lock me up. This was double checked by my SPN with a psychiatrist.

WE have made some agreements. Until I see her again next week, I am to stay away from the Random Word Generator and I have to keep the name of my blog the way it is now. Under no circumstances am I allowed to change it or to go look for better names and images. Since it had taken on obsessive forms, it is better that way.

I am not allowed to get up in the middle of the night and turn on the computer. I have to go back to bed with a glass of warm milk and try to sleep some more, because it is important to have a normal schedule.

I have to walk away from the computer during the day and do something else for a while, whatever it is. Laundry, dishes, walking the Überhund, reading a book...

My SPN is going to call me for the next 2 days to see how I am. This is in lieu of the medication. She actually thinks that I am dealing with the situation well, considering the real fear I had of loosing my grip on reality.

So, off I go to make it a point that I can do this, but I would have much rather have had a pill to make it better. So, I have mixed feelings. I am sad, because I can't indulge in my obsession and because there is no pill and because I have to do this alone. I am glad I made a promise that keeps me from indulging in my obsession and takes that option away from me, because I so very badly want to keep on doing it.

Apparently, I am having an identity crisis that emerges in this way. But the crisis goes deeper than the blog name and image. It is about who I, Irene Sieders, am as a single unattached to anyone human being. I suppose I have a very wavering picture of myself that iss very blurry in the outlines. I don't know where I begin and where I end. Who am I, what is my territory, how strong am I? Can I be shoved around or do I shove back? Who are my role models?

Bev would say that these are analytical questions and that I shouldn't ask them. That I'm living in my head too much, but I think I don't live in my head enough and let things happen that should be called a halt to. I only live for today without a worry about yesterday or tomorrow and I must end that.

Well, enough of that right now. I wish I could go to sleep now, because I am so tired, but it is too early yet. I've got to stay up for at least another 2 hours.

Thank you for reading about all of my woes and worries.

Ciao...

With the exception.

I spent the time from midnight until about 3 PM behind the computer, with the exception of the time I spent walking the Überhund. It was too much and I had to force myself to shut it off and walk away from it. It was an abnormal amount of time to spend behind the computer and changing my imago several times turned out to be very difficult too. I had a hard time with that. My whole identity laid in that name and when I changed it and kept changing it, I kept loosing little bits of myself, until I became a bit lost, well, a lot lost. I got to the point that it scared me. So I turned the computer off.

Then I realized that I was hitting a huge low and I don't know if it was from the lack of sleep or from changing my identity, but I felt terrible and was afraid to go near the computer again. I decided to take a sleeping pill and try and get some sleep, in the hope that I would feel better after I woke up, but sometime after I took it, my sister called to tell me that she couldn't make it to our divorce party, because she had another commitment.

I explained to her that I had been up since midnight and that I was trying to sleep, but that it wasn't working, but I never know what I can expect of her, so I expect nothing. Afterwards, I cried and felt like shit and decided to call the Exfactor who had his phone turned off. Now, for some reason, when he is spending time with the Paramount he shuts his phone off so nobody can reach him, which I think is very immature. It is as if none of us are allowed to know that he is spending time with the Paramount and have conversations with him then.

So, feeling deeply distressed, I called the Paramount, who handed her phone to the Exfactor right away, who pretended not to know that his phone was not turned on. Of course, he couldn't do a thing for me, not even talk properly, so I said I would call the Crisis Phone and get help there, which I did.

I got a nice enough professional to talk to and felt somewhat better when I got off the phone. It was a better experience than it was the time before. This man listened and asked smart questions and understood right away what my fear was, that I was afraid of becoming manic, and we talked about ways to prevent that from happening.

Finally the sleeping pill started to work and I slept for about an hour or so, but it was enough. I still have that fear that my identity is lost to me and I don't know what to do about it, except to reverse things as much as possible. I think I have crossed a line into a, for me, uncomfortable area that's too far removed from my center and I feel afraid. The title of my blog is too abstract and the image is too alien to me. I am moving into uncharted waters and I am afraid to drown and I want to go back to the comfortable shore.

I could do this for somebody else, but I can't do it for me. I can't be avant garde for me. It has to do with who I am and how I perceive myself emotionally and intellectually. I suppose I can be a Vincent van Gogh, but not an Andy Warhol. I need solidness and reality, at least van Gogh's kind. That's how far I have evolved.

There, I have changed things back to The Choppy Sunflower. Which is where they should have stayed in the first place. Change for the sake of change is not always good, in my case it isn't.

This day will go down in my personal history as a day of infamy. The whole thing reeks of embarrassment to me. Of lessons learned the very hard way, never to be repeated again.

Ciao...

Blog Name.

It is early in the morning and for some strange reason I have been wide awake since midnight and not a yawn has escaped from my mouth. I am completely alert and perky and have been hanging out here behind the computer, reading blogs and reading comments to blogs, where I happened to find out about the Random Word Generator, because someone had gotten their blog name there and I thought it might be interesting to go over there and find out what sort of names that thing would come up with for me. You should go visit that site, because it is really fun, even if you aren't looking for a new name. Just give it a try and see what sort of names and phrases it comes up with.

Anyway, it generated a bunch of interesting names for me, but after about 5 minutes of letting a slew of them pass by, I settled on The Choppy Sunflower. In the descriptive subtitle are some other names it came up with.

So you see, my blog is forever changing and evolving and I get a big kick out of it and feel very excited when I have made another change. I think it has to do with wanting to be creative and having to find an outlet to do that and that is why next month I am going to buy paper and medium and paint and start making collages at home. I'll have to make them on the dining table and it will be battle between me and the cats as to which one of us gets the most room there and I know they will interfere and drive me nuts, but I am going to do it anyway.

As I sit here and speak of cats, one of them wants to sit on the desk in front of the monitor and because I don't want him to do that, he wants to walk on the keyboard instead. All the while he is purring very cozily at me and blinking his eyes as if to say, "Aren't we brotherly united?" I hate to burst his bubble and tell him otherwise, but I wish he would hurry up and leave.

I haven't been cold all night, but now I've turned on the heater, because I feel a draft by my feet and my hands are getting cold. It's time to drink my nice mug of hot coffee and warm my insides.

You know, now that I know about the Random Word Generator, chances are that I am going to go over there again and look for other and better names, so don't be surprised if the name of this blog changes again. I am like a kid with a new toy, I want to keep playing with it and then there is the challenge of finding the right images to go with the name, because I need more than one image, of course. The fun part is, that it is all up to chance, you hardly have any power over what sort of name comes out.

The Überhund tried to convince me a while ago that he had to go for a walk. I just looked at him and said, "Who are you fooling, sir?" He is now sound asleep again on his pillow in the bedroom. Sometimes I have to completely ignore him, because he does convince himself of the most incredulous things. That he very badly, please, oh please, needs a snack when his bowl is full of food.

Okay, I am off to play some more. Golly gee, does the fun never end? I figure that I've got one hour to fool around and then I have to get going again.

Ciao...

Black Box

The story of the Black Box that you find in my side bar is explained if you click on the text on the bottom of it. If however, you click on the word 'decide', a wonderful world will open up to you and you may have a new addiction. So, explore this when you have a little bit of time and a good hot cuppa something and maybe something to nibble on.

Well, you see I made the move back to Blogger, because there were some things, like the black box, that I could not get to work in Wordpress, leaving me always a bit frustrated. Wordpress had beautiful templates, real classy looking, but there was so much that it did not allow me to do.

In the process I have given my blog a different name, because I am a woman and I am fickle and I am entitled to that. No really, what I wanted was already in use, so I had to pick something completely different and it is fun to come up with something else and to give all of you something to do. You can't get much better than the most splendid day. Well, I suppose there is the most euphoric day, but I am not having one of those now. I am not even having a really splendid day.

My daughter managed to get an message out and she is fine, except that a tall tree landed on her roof, causing damage and needing lots of plastic sheeting to close the hole. She has no power, the streets are flooded, buildings everywhere are damaged, schools are closed of course, much to my grandson's delight, and it will take some time for things to get back to normal, but they are alright. That's the main thing. I knew they would be. They have a guardian angel. All my maternal instincts were right about this. Still, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I got another piece of writing published in Six Sentences and you can read that here. I've turned in some more things that will be published at a later date.

The Überhund is trying to pull a fast one on me and acting like he really needs to go out again and I know it's all a great big pitty party. He just thinks that if he whines pathetically, I'll drop everything and put my jacket on and grab the leash.

Well, I must eat now, because I think I forgot to do that, and take some pills too. Are you all happy that I'm back at Blogger? Will you have a party for me?

Ciao...

P.S. Vanity has gotten the better of me and I wil now accept awards again if anyone gets it into their head to even think of bestowing one on me. I will not display them in my sidebar, because of clutter, but I will show them in the next post. I'm humble, aren't I?