Sunday, March 08, 2009
Sunday once more.
Is it just me or is it really Sunday every time I turn around? It seems like it was Sunday just the other day, not so very long ago, and that I was thinking then how it was possible that it was Sunday again. They say that time goes by quicker when you get older, so I must be getting really old, because it is racing by, it seems to me.
I don't know how I feel about that. I suppose I have mixed feelings. On the one hand I like it, because everything happens quickly and at an amazing speed, at the other hand that also means that the clock is ticking away very quickly and my days on earth are numbered. I will get older quicker, before I'm ready to.
It is an amazing thing that time is relative and that we experience it all at our own speed and that an hour or a minute can feel differently to two different people. A month seems like no time at all to me, while it may seem like a very long time to someone else. One month is nothing, a week is but several long breaths, a day is one inhalation. Poof, and it's gone. I'm lucky if I know which month we live in, let alone which date it is.
That's why it is so handy to have the computer on. When I think of it, I can look and see that today is Sunday, March the 8th, 2009. Unluckily for me, today is exactly 20 years since my mother died, but I won't dwell on that, because life is for the living and not for forever mourning the dead. So, I salute my mother, wherever she is, and get on with it.
It is raining outside, so I can't walk the dog yet. He patiently waits on his blanket. I need to feed him, but want to wait a little bit, because he'll really have to go out after that.
After having not done anything significant in the apartment for several days, I finally dragged out the vacuum cleaner yesterday afternoon and vacuumed the whole apartment. That sure made a difference. I get stuck behind the computer and fail in my housework to the detriment of everything. The computer is a dangerous thing for me, because although I always tell myself that I'm not hooked on it, I believe the opposite is true and I spend too many hours behind it.
I find it difficult to shut the computer off and would rather leave it on all day long so that I can sit down behind it at every opportunity. Of course, when given a choice between cleaning the bathroom or reading blogs, I read blogs. If the computer were turned off, I would not sit down as quickly to do that. There would be a little bit of a hindrance and that would be just enough to keep me from sitting down behind it. Some small bit of common sense would prevent me from turning it on.
The truth is that I have that schedule to stick to and that I avoid it like the plague. I never look at it, preferring to go about things in a half assed way and letting them get out of hand and having to fix them all at once in one fell swoop. I could make my life so much easier if I stuck to the schedule, but I am one for instant gratification and want to do all the fun things immediately. Never mind that I have to pay a price for it somewhere down the line.
And I will tell you something. Very often I end up being stressed out from sitting behind the computer so much. It's because it is a compulsion and almost against my free will. I sit behind it past the point of enjoyment and stubbornly keep going when I should have turned it off already and gone and done something else. That's how addicted I can be. So all in all it's a very dubious love affair. It's a dysfunctional relationship.
I like it better when I go through periods when the computer doesn't have the upper hand. When I am in control of when I turn it on. I just don't seem to be in a period like that right now. Somehow I have to fix that.
In the meantime, it's still raining and I let the dog out on the patio, but he was not very interested in being out there. It's supposed to stop raining this afternoon, but I doubt we'll be able to wait that long.
Lest you think I'm heartless for not dwelling on the anniversary of my mother's death, I have my reasons for that, but they are too intricate to explain here and some of you will already know them.
I have to get dressed and find an umbrella.