Monday, March 02, 2009
Much to my amazement, I find that I have time this morning to write a post and that is because I am up earlier than I planned to be. My mobile phone was making that dinging sound telling me that the battery was running low, so I had to get up and plug it in. Normally, I would not be sitting here writing a post, but sleeping until 7 o'clock and then be getting ready for my creative therapy class.
I am so excited about going there because, since I go there twice a week now, I feel that I can really plan things and get on with them and make progress, and also take my time to do things such as collect the proper images and pieces of text. I have a stack of magazines that nobody but me can use and they are kept in a locked cabinet. I have to take full advantage of my time there and create as generously as I can, because I don't know how much time I have left there. I have at least three months until my next evaluation, but I don't know what will happen after that.
I don't want to think about that right now. I have to put it out of my mind. I become frozen with fear if I do think of it and I can't have that. I must enjoy the time that I have left.
Yesterday afternoon I didn't do any of the little chores that I claimed I was going to do. After I walked the Überhund, I laid down on the sofa and took a heck of a nap. It was wonderful, because I was listening to my play list at last.fm and I sort of dozed off pleasantly and woke up several hours later quite refreshed and ready to finish the rest of the day. I always seem to take mega naps, although I must say that I am not as tired all day long since I lowered the antipsychotic medication. I was really dragging myself through the day then.
Anyway, I know I talked about working with clay, but I just had a look at my collages and I really want to pursue those further. I am not done making them. I want to try and keep improving them and I have lots of ideas left and lots of images I have left to play with. If I were to go and work with clay now, I would sit there the whole time and think about collages and why I wasn't making them instead.
It's terrible to feel this pressure of time on me. It's through a casual remark made by the creative therapist that I feel it. How she said to me that this isn't going to last forever. That there is a limited time. That's why it is so important that I create my own artistic space here in the apartment. I need the supplies and the space to keep doing the work, In May I'll have the money to get the supplies. I'll fix the spare bedroom up and make it my place.
Okay, I have to go and take a shower now. It isn't a very interesting post anyway. It is a little bit anxiety ridden. I need to relax and focus on today. Why don't you all try sending me good vibes today? Maybe that will help.