Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Here I sit behind the computer not at all being the industrious and hard working woman whom I thought I was going to be today. All around me lies the evidence of my non commitment to the cleanliness of the apartment and I just don't seem to give a darn and sit here instead and feel like doing nothing but writing my thoughts down. I am so totally uninterested if anything gets done right now. Maybe if you came around with 500 Euros in cold hard cash I would get motivated, but that is about it for me.
The day started out okay, except that I'm still not used to the hour's time difference and I have a hard time waking up in the morning. I need two big mugs of coffee before I'm functional and I sit on the sofa bleary eyed and broken, while the Überhund takes advantage of the situation and positions himself between my legs so he can be petted and embraced and kissed really well. That's about all I'm capable of for the first 40 minutes or so.
Then I pretend to be awake and sort of get the show on the road in a haphazard way while trying not to forget anything. It's a crime getting dressed in the morning and trying to remember the order in which I put my clothes on so that it makes sense and I am not wearing my boots before I've put on my second pair of leggings and my bra before I've put on my T-shirt.
Then it's the hair and the make up, which I either do halfheartedly or very persnickety, depending on how much time I've got and how much motivation. It was a halfhearted job this morning. I rubbed wax in my hair until it looked sufficiently like bedroom hair and sprayed extra strength hairspray on it. The Überhund sneezed a few times and then I was ready to take him out.
The cold morning air does wake me up some, but not enough this morning. I let the Überhund drag me from lamp post to lamp post and stood at the ready with my baggies. I was very happy to be home again where I had time for another mug of coffee before I had to leave to go see my SPN.
I pedaled downtown and avoided most of the morning traffic by leaving just a little bit later, which still got me there on time. I missed all those groups of students who clutter up the bike lanes by the dozens and who run red lights as a matter of course. They are ruthless and know no danger.
When I saw my SPN, I fell into a funk again and became quite unhappy. She asked me why that was and I thought about it and said that sometimes therapy was just tiring and that it exhausted me and that I wasn't in the proper mood for it. I get tired of all the questions and all the explanations and the unknowns and the things I have no answers to. They defeat me and I start to feel very deflated. So we kept it short today and I was glad about that and on the way home I started to feel a bit better.
That still leaves me with a messy apartment and no motivation, so I need to kick myself into the rear end. I will simply start with one thing and slowly work my way through it and then on to the next one and see how far I get.
I really want to insulate myself from everything that is unpleasant and draw a shield of impenetrable silence around myself. As if I had a cloak that I could pull around myself that would protect me from anything that is harmful and unkind. I suppose I really do feel like a gossamer woman today, while that is not my intention at all. My intention is to be a tough broad with square shoulders and shit kicking boots.
I do have to tell you that the weather is lovely. The sky is bright blue and the sun is shining and it is going to be a fairly warm day today. That should cheer me up, right?
Enough of this already. I'm going to walk the dog.
Have a good day. Don't let your mind screw you up!