Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Have no expectations and then there is always the delete button for when it really turns into something very unpublishable. I have used it this past week many times and used it again this morning with no mercy, so I am glad of its existence. When I type drivel I don't want to finish the post, but stop typing and delete and shut the computer off.
Despite having had a good night's sleep and waking up well enough, I went back to the sofa after a few hours and took a long nap and now I feel like I am really awake and that the first time was maybe not so real and just a trial awakening. At least I got the animals fed and the dog walked after that first time and I even made some cigarettes and checked my bank account balance, which was healthy enough, thank goodness.
I just seem to need a lot of sleep and I am going to pay attention to that need and not ignore it and sleep whenever I have the urge to. That's why it is good to have the computer off and to sometimes sit and do nothing, so I can listen to the signals of my own mind and body and do what they tell me. Sleep seems to be a cure all for what ails my mind and it is like the best medicine I could take.
It has decided to be another rainy day and I have to decide if I want to go to the supermarket or be very frugal with my milk and go tomorrow when no rain is predicted. I don't fancy going out on my bike in this weather very much. It's the kind of rain that is nonstop and will keep coming down endlessly.
Oh yes, I have to tell you that I've seen crocuses and daffodils. Somebody had a lot of them in their garden. It was a real treat. There were other bulb plants showing their greenery and I can only assume that those are tulips coming up or maybe hyacinths.
The jasmine that I dug out of the ground last year, and stuck in a pot out front, has many new shoots, so I think it has survived the ruthless transplant and is going to grow well. These small miracles of nature, that happen unaided by us, give me hope for the future.
I am glad that today is a day off. I think I need it to do exactly what I want to do and that is a few chores around the apartment and some reading in my very good book and some general staring out the window, during which I will do nothing more strenuous then letting my mind wander.
It's so important to be in touch with my feelings and emotions and general mental state of health, that running away from it by sitting behind the computer endlessly and then trying to catch up on chores, is just not a good life style for me. I need to build in many quiet moments during which I can rest and take inventory and organize my thoughts and my needs and take care of those. Solitude and serenity are so important. They are healing states of mind for my soul. If I don't have those regularly every day, I become mentally exhausted and loose my ability to deal with the most ordinary things.
This morning I wished I didn't have a dog, because it was too much effort to pet him. All he wanted was a little bit of attention and all I could think was that it was too much work to give it to him and that I was not capable of it and I wished that he was like a cat and would go is own way. Luckily, after I slept those extra hours, I stopped feeling quite that strongly about it, but in my present mood, I would never have another dog again. The need is too great. I even surprise myself by saying that.
Well, I think that is quite enough of my soul bearing ruminations. I won't hit the delete button. It would be a shame for the effort I put into it.
Have a good day. I hope you aren't being rained on.