Tuesday, March 10, 2009

No expectations.

Have no expectations and then there is always the delete button for when it really turns into something very unpublishable. I have used it this past week many times and used it again this morning with no mercy, so I am glad of its existence. When I type drivel I don't want to finish the post, but stop typing and delete and shut the computer off.

Despite having had a good night's sleep and waking up well enough, I went back to the sofa after a few hours and took a long nap and now I feel like I am really awake and that the first time was maybe not so real and just a trial awakening. At least I got the animals fed and the dog walked after that first time and I even made some cigarettes and checked my bank account balance, which was healthy enough, thank goodness.

I just seem to need a lot of sleep and I am going to pay attention to that need and not ignore it and sleep whenever I have the urge to. That's why it is good to have the computer off and to sometimes sit and do nothing, so I can listen to the signals of my own mind and body and do what they tell me. Sleep seems to be a cure all for what ails my mind and it is like the best medicine I could take.

It has decided to be another rainy day and I have to decide if I want to go to the supermarket or be very frugal with my milk and go tomorrow when no rain is predicted. I don't fancy going out on my bike in this weather very much. It's the kind of rain that is nonstop and will keep coming down endlessly.

Oh yes, I have to tell you that I've seen crocuses and daffodils. Somebody had a lot of them in their garden. It was a real treat. There were other bulb plants showing their greenery and I can only assume that those are tulips coming up or maybe hyacinths.

The jasmine that I dug out of the ground last year, and stuck in a pot out front, has many new shoots, so I think it has survived the ruthless transplant and is going to grow well. These small miracles of nature, that happen unaided by us, give me hope for the future.

I am glad that today is a day off. I think I need it to do exactly what I want to do and that is a few chores around the apartment and some reading in my very good book and some general staring out the window, during which I will do nothing more strenuous then letting my mind wander.

It's so important to be in touch with my feelings and emotions and general mental state of health, that running away from it by sitting behind the computer endlessly and then trying to catch up on chores, is just not a good life style for me. I need to build in many quiet moments during which I can rest and take inventory and organize my thoughts and my needs and take care of those. Solitude and serenity are so important. They are healing states of mind for my soul. If I don't have those regularly every day, I become mentally exhausted and loose my ability to deal with the most ordinary things.

This morning I wished I didn't have a dog, because it was too much effort to pet him. All he wanted was a little bit of attention and all I could think was that it was too much work to give it to him and that I was not capable of it and I wished that he was like a cat and would go is own way. Luckily, after I slept those extra hours, I stopped feeling quite that strongly about it, but in my present mood, I would never have another dog again. The need is too great. I even surprise myself by saying that.

Well, I think that is quite enough of my soul bearing ruminations. I won't hit the delete button. It would be a shame for the effort I put into it.

Have a good day. I hope you aren't being rained on.



Frances said...

sounding just a little down, Irene.
hope this passes - or altering meds helps.
You have done so well to keep things together and you will come through this - I love the artworks you are putting on these days. Are you producing them still? or are these some you made earlier?

VioletSky said...

Well, I am being rained on as a matter of fact.

Am finally getting caught up with my reading - I understand about spending too much time on the internet, and letting other things slide. It is almost the first anniversary of my mother's passing and I can feel the emotions churning and gearing up for something unpleasant.

You catch all the sleep you need!

Wisewebwoman said...

What are you reading, Irene?

I hope the black dog stops pacing on your horizon, I'm sensing your dejection.

It will pass, that's the only true thing sometimes.

XO and all good thoughts!

aims said...

The Uberhound loves you no matter what Irene. You'll be okay after a little more sleep.

Even though you are a bit down my eyes focused on your header this morning - The Finely Tuned Woman - and I thought - that is Irene for sure!

It was -31C here overnight and it snowed for over 24 hours. You've got spring and we won't have it for another couple of months.

btw - did you post a pic of the new haircut and I missed it?

Mean Mom said...

Sleep is always good. There has been no rain, where I am staying, with my parents, in the Midlands, today. I have been here for over 2 weeks, now, whilst my father is in hospital. I am sure that my mini daffodils must be in flower at home, because they are early. They may well be over, by the time I get home, I think!

I am sure that you would be lost without the uberhund and I think you will feel differently about never having another dog, when you are more 'yourself'!

John said...

Greart header image - gears working together or an image of lucid inspiration.

A mind at work.

My best. Drizzling here.


Maureen said...

No rain here... more snow. Which is worse. See? It can always be worse.

Take care.

Phoenix said...

Just wanted to say a little hello.. just stumbled on your blog today.

Have you seen this man? said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Have you seen this man? said...

No rain here today - it's been a wonderful spring day. Remember FTW - the Sun will shine again - it always does.
Take care & Stay Strong