I am so full!

I just ate basmati rice with black mushrooms. I bought it already prepared and just had to put it in the microwave for two minutes. I was able to eat almost half a plate full, thinly spread, but then I was very full and now I am burping something awful. I think I ate a little bit too much. The Überhund ate the rest and he liked it very much. There was not one grain of rice left when he was done. I looked at him in envy, because I liked it too, but I had to admit my defeat well ahead of time.

I also bought a container of nasi goreng and there is enough there for numerous meals, when I keep in mind how little I can eat. Now that I know how big my portions can be, I mustn't get too enthusiastic when I ladle them out. It's a good thing I have airtight containers for in the refrigerator.

Rice is easier to eat than noodles or pasta or potatoes. It's already very small and goes down easily, but you do have to stop eating on time lest you overeat, because that is easy to do when it goes down so smoothly. You do suffer afterwards if you eat too much and are very uncomfortable. Your whole esophagus starts to hurt and you feel like throwing up and sometimes that's the only solution.

My new boots arrived this morning. I was so excited. When I pulled them out of the box I was very worried because they looked so small and I didn't think that they would fit me, but I needn't have worried because they fit me perfectly and make my feet look smaller and hardly hurt my toe. I have been walking on them all day and they are great.

As you can see, I was smart enough to upload a picture of them so you can see for yourself what they look like.They're Tough Broad boots, while at the same time looking elegant enough to wear with a skirt or a dress. I love the high heel on them and they walk surprisingly comfortable.

I wore them grocery shopping today and I really walked around that store as if I owned the place. "Look out, here I come, I'll walk all over you." You can give somebody a good kick in their genders with those boots. Whatever body parts those are, I am innocent of such things.






These are the other boots I bought. They are totally different and more ladylike and demure. They are for my "I wouldn't hurt a fly" moods. I tread softly in these and you can see that they have no heel and no mean shit kicking toe.

This is not a Tough Broad boot, this is an "I am agreeable with the world" boot. I don't want anybody stepping on my toes when I wear these.

Now, I wonder which of these boots I am going to wear the most? I am most curious. Every day there will be a decision, who do I feel like today?

Stomping or silently stepping through life?

Well, I did go grocery shopping and tried to spend the least amount of money possible. That's my goal for this month. To get out of the grocery store with having spent he smallest amount of money possible. That means sticking strictly to the list and paying attention to the on special sale items. I have bought no cookies and no pudding. I figured I didn't need them. Especially not if I am going to loose 9 kilos, because that is the goal. I'll go for the first 4 and then work on the rest. It has to be attainable.

Now I'm going to take a little nap on the sofa. I feel one coming up.

Have a nice day, ya'll.

Ciao...

A nice day.

It's been an incredibly nice day. Not because it is cold and gray and drizzly outside, of course, but just because everything is going right.

I got up on time this morning after I woke up at 3 AM, got up, walked into the living room and laid down on the sofa where I continued to sleep until 6:30. Aren't I a silly woman? I don't know why I did that. It just seemed like such a cozy thing to do. Sometimes I like the sofa better than my bed. I curl up in my bathrobe and push my face into the armrest pillow and I am sound asleep again and the dog follows me and sleeps beside me.

Then I very leisurely got up and had my mug of coffee while I internetted (I think I just made that word up) and smoked my cigarettes. There were messages for me on Hyves and I answered those and read my emails. I piddled around with my Hyves settings to make them more reflective of me and wasted a good 30 minutes doing that. Background picture, favorite music, authors, films, etc.

Then I had to feed the animals and take my medicines and get dressed and I had especially appealing bedroom hair, so I hardly had to mess with it. I just hair sprayed it a bit and it was okay. Slap the old make up on and I was ready to walk the dog. Or should I say, the dog was ready to walk me, because some mornings it feels that way. I am being led around on the leash by the dog, because he is in a hurry.

Then it was off to creative therapy where I finished a collage and cut out many more images for future collages, as if I am an assembly worker and turn those things out like Ford turned out Model T's. It is turning into a kind of trick, but I am trying to make each collage better than the other and always think I will succeed with my limited skills and materials. I like the process of making them so much that it is hard to stop me. I practically can't wait to sit down and start the next one. Here is the one I finished today.

It's a little bit bent at the top so you can't see the text there, but it is in Dutch so you can't understand it anyway.

I love applying the layers of acrylics and the touches of oil pastels, because I only have somewhat of an idea of what effect I will get. I use the hairdryer between applying the layers of paint and that pushes some of the paint in trickles across the collage, which gives you a neat effect, I think.

My next one is going to be black and white and gray. I am already collecting the images for it now.

I have been thinking of making abstract figures with clay, but every time I do, I think I want to make one more collage. I see people making some wonderful things with clay and feel drawn to it and want to try it, but the collages hold me under their spell right now.

Class is done a bit before 12:30 PM and my SPN was going to call me at that time, so I walked outside to the front entrance, where there clearly was a sign not to smoke and lit a cigarette. Well, there were only a hundred butts laying around. When she called me, I told my SPN that I had lowered my dose of antipsychotics and she very much wanted to know the mood I was in and when I told her I was fine, she tried to find out how fine I was feeling, as in very good, or just an ordinary sort of fine, or a bit elated.

I told her that I had gotten a hundred Euros from Social Services for my Internet connection, and that I had been planing on saving it, but that I had spent 75 of it on clothes yesterday by ordering them on line. That was the day after I lowered my antipsychotics. She was a wee bit concerned about that and asked me what my plans were going into the weekend, might I turn out to be hypomanic again.

I told her that I would increase the dose again if I caught myself doing hypomanic things, such as not sleeping enough. It is a problem, because I don't always realize when I am becoming hypomanic, but there are telltale signs and not getting enough sleep is one of them. The thing is, that I have to be dead honest and own up to any sort of behavior I exhibit that may be suspect. I can't hide anything, no matter how innocent it may seem. Little things add up.

I ordered a dress and two pairs of boots. The dress and one pair of boots came today, the other pair will come tomorrow morning. I am wearing the dress, which is quite nice and the boots are great. They fit me very well and are comfortable to walk in. These have a very low heel, but the other pair have heels and are tougher looking, shit kicking boots, whereas these are more ladylike. I dare not tell anyone that I spent that money on clothes. It should have gone into my savings account. So mum's the word.

I had a gift cetificate and the dress and one pair of boots were on sale, so I got a good deal. Still...me and clothes, right? I have a total adoration for them. I don't know where this love for clothes comes from, except that I think it is in my genes and I inherited it from my mother. Sure, let's blame her and she got worse as she got older too, just like I am.

Then the Exfactor came over to do laundry and he was more normal today, which was good, because I find him much easier to bear like that. He is going to buy his own washing machine, so soon he will not come over anymore to do laundry. We walked to the hardware store together to buy new light bulbs and he was kind enough to install them for me, after I assured him that I was quite capable of doing it myself, but that I appreciated him doing it instead. I don't want him to get a big head and think that I am a helpless female. Because we all know that I'm not, right? Just as long as we all have that straight.

Today was his last day at work and he already has some job interviews lined up, so more power to him. I hope it all works out for him.

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I just had to make a mad dash to the pharmacy. I realized it was 6 PM and that I had forgotten to pick up my medications. So I called them and they waited for me to get there and I raced on my bike in the drizzly rain and got there in record time, all the while thinking that I mustn't get into an accident, of course, so I only took little chances. The funny part is, that I am not out of breath one bit and that goes to show you that I'm in pretty good shape. Not bad for an old lady, huh?

I just fed the animals who were pretending to be starved to death and the Überhund finished everything in his own dish and now he is eating cat kibbles, of all things. What a strange dog! I suppose he is protest eating again, in other words, he wanted more food, but was too stubborn to ask for it. Well, everybody is happy now, they're all digesting their food and peace and quiet reign. It is as it should be in my realm.

I said to the Exfactor, "Do you realize that I've had a haircut?" He said, "No, I didn't, but now that you mention it, I see that you did." Are all men this bad?

I am going to mop the floors. The other night I changed the bed, vacuumed the bedroom and the hallway, scrubbed the bathroom and did a load of laundry. I found that I enjoyed working at night. Oh yes, first I have to eat and walk the dog. Mustn't forget that.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao...

A blog award.

A dear sweetheart of a lady, and a fine artist, Diane Clancy, was kind enough to give me this Art Blog Award and it makes me feel very good all over. Thank you, Diane. In return, I have to reveal seven facts about myself and pass this reward on to seven other people. Officially, they are supposed to be artists, but I think that includes people who write exceptionally well too.

1. The very anticipation of springtime makes me high in my head and makes me feel as though it is already happening when clearly it is not.

2. I am very fond of chocolate in all forms, shapes or sizes. I think handmade bonbons are worth their weight in gold and should be eaten as if they were gifts from the Gods.

3. I love nature, but I equally love downtown with all of its crooked little streets and the cobblestones that twist your ankles and the shops and the crowds and the cafés.

4. I love people watching and imagining a whole life for them and the relationship they are having with the person who is with them.

5. I think children and animals are the most vulnerable creatures that exist on earth and we all ought to do the utmost to protect them from harm, everywhere in the world.

6. I love to watch huge swarms of birds fly in unison across the sky swooping and turning as if they are one big entity.

7. Wild mushrooms, if picked carefully, are very good fried up in real butter, eaten with freshly baked bread.

Now I have to hand out this award to seven other people.

I give it to:

A Soul Among Found Objects,

Constance Rose Textile Designs,

An Aerial Armadillo,

Art by Lisa Sarsfield,

The many hats of Debi Cates,

Pebbledash,

The Artful Eye.

There you are, I hope I have been able to make you all happy with that today.

Ciao...

Fast Wednesday.

I didn't wake up until 8 o'clock this morning, which was late, because I had to be at ergo therapy at 9:15. First, of course, I had to have my coffee and my cigarettes and I spent a half an hour sitting in my pajamas, with the dog, just waking up. Then it was, feed the dog and the cats, take my medicines, get dressed, do my hair and my make up, walk the dog, make some cigarettes, have a cup of coffee and leave the house 15 minutes late, race my bike to ergo therapy, walk the long distance from where I park my bike to where the therapy is held and got there 10 minutes late. So, I gained 5 minutes somewhere along the line.

Actually, they had started late and were just beginning with the discussion , so I didn't miss much.The subject was the recurrence of depressions and why they kept on doing that and if there could possibly be something in your environment that kept triggering them. Now, I'm a firm believer in that, so I put my two cents worth in and could only see that these women kept on being stuck in the same roles that they had been in year after year and that here was no change in them. It was as though they were all frozen in place and afraid to do anything differently. So it seemed to me that if you kept getting depressions, and your medication wasn't clearing them up, there must be something else at play. Maybe a life style issue.

The therapist agreed with that, but could not be as blunt about it and tackled the problem more diplomatically. That's why she's the therapist and I'm not. You can't tell these people to suddenly make drastic changes in their relationships and life styles. We do everything in little steps, which are often too small for me, but that's just me. Everyone is treated with tender loving care and we don't upset the boat too much.

Well, anyway, then we had to draw a picture with pastel crayons and not give it any thought, but just let something happen, and I drew myself as a great big fat blob that was pulled down to the ground by gravity and was unmovable, and out of my mouth came the words, "Blah, blah, blah,..." and on top of me was a big black cloud that rained all over me and that is how I felt this morning. I didn't think it was a very pessimistic picture, I thought it was very realistic, because it depicted my feelings exactly.

I have been feeling so tired these past weeks and I feel like gravity is pulling me down to the ground and all I want to do is lay down and go to sleep. Now, I'm pretty sure that this is a side effect of the higher dose of my antipsychotic, so I am going to lower the dose tonight and see if that will help me any. I can't discuss this with my SPN, because she won't be in until Friday, and I don't want to call the psychiatrist, because he is not going to know any better than I am on what to do. I am making an executive decision. I am absolutely not hypomanic anymore. I am practically comatose half of the time.

Well, when ergo therapy was over, I had to rush home and walk the dog and vacuum the kitchen and the living room and the furniture and just when I was done with that, the doorbell rang and it was my friend Lucien whom I had not seen in a few months. So I made us some coffee and brought out the cookies, and the Überhund thought Lucien was just the best thing since sliced cheese and made eyes at her and wanted to be petted by her very much. He is a true social being. He also kept a close eye on the cookies and guarded them carefully from any cat that happened to get too close. He did this until he got too tired and had to take a nap.

Lucien and I had a nice visit and talked up a storm. You get around to talking about different things than when you talk on the phone. Face to face is better and I said she should come by more often. She is often in the neighborhood and it is a small effort for her to drop by and it is a good motivator for me to get the vacuum cleaner out. I like having company and having a good reason to clean up the apartment well. It's always fun to show it at its best to other people.

Tomorrow I'm going to do some more serious cleaning. The somewhat tougher jobs that I have not got around to doing yet. I just hope I have the energy for it. I am actually hoping to be inspired by the springtime madness when the cleaning bug hits. It should happen any day now.

Well, that's all I wrote for today. I think I am going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. I feel like clean sheets tonight. That will be pleasant to sleep in. I must keep busy tonight and postpone falling asleep until the last moment to get a normal night's sleep.

Ciao...

An ordinary Tuesday.

I called the supermarket to find out if they were open for business again as usual and they were. I wanted to make sure, because today is the last day of Carnival and even that is mournfully celebrated with a ritual, which is very unclear to me, except that it involves people mourning and crying, because it is over, and other emotional outbursts. I am not conversant in all the details of the various Carnival rituals and just pick thing up here and there, making them all the more mysterious.

So I went to the store and picked up supplies, including good cookies, and for a change it wasn't real busy, so there was no manhandling of the shopping cart in the aisles and pushing around for position at the check out lane. Listen to me, I make it sound like we're uncivilized barbarians.

After I checked out, I remembered that I had not bought an energy saving light bulb for the hallway, so I'll have to move around in the dark there another couple of days. Or steal a light bulb from someplace else, but I think I have already done that once and it won't work again for a second time.

When I got home, I put the first bag of groceries down on the ground and the Überhund stuck his nose deep into it to see what I had gotten. He saw many goodies and wagged his stubby tail extra hard. After that, Nouri climbed into the bag, but couldn't make any sense of it. It was the same way when I got the second bag of groceries and the Überhund barked at me in frustration, so we shared three cookies. I think we showed a lot of self restraint.

I sat down on the sofa with a mug of coffee and a cigarette, but realized that I was so tired that I started to nod off and I laid myself down and took a tree hour nap. I don't know if you can call that a nap anymore. That's a regular sleep. I must have needed it though, because when I woke up, I felt ever so much better and not all discombobulated anymore. Sometimes I work on half a cylinder and I don't even realize it until I lay down and go to sleep. It's like before I do things in a half dream state, but I don't catch onto that until I have had some more sleep and am really properly awake.

I was supposed to have cleaned the apartment, because my friend Lucien is coming over tomorrow afternoon and I have ergo therapy in the morning, but I think I can clean the kitchen and the bathroom tonight. She'll have to excuse the rest of it, I'm not too bothered about that. She's coming to see me and not how clean my apartment is. Besides, a bucket of suds will do a lot of good. That and a little elbow grease.

I've just fed the animals. It's a real trick to keep the cats of the counter until I'm done filling their dishes. I keep telling them, "No, off you go," and pushing them off the kitchen counter. Slowly they are catching on. They are stubborn animals, because they jump up as quickly as I push them off, but the persister wins and that is I. I guess I'm more stubborn and I will have it my way.

The Überhund loves his food so much and it is doing wonders for his digestive and intestinal tract, that's as detailed as I'll get, you can imagine the rest. Let's just say that things are very easy to pick up. Now he is laying by my feet being perfectly satiated and waiting for me to take him out in a while. I always wait a bit for mother nature to take her course, although he watches my every move.

Right, I'll go take him out then.

The last couple of days the temperatures have been mild and you almost start to believe that springtime is around the bend. Weeds are popping up in the flowerbeds. Soon I'll have to weed my own little patch. I'll keep laying the weeds down as compost and as a place for the cats to do their business. Anything to keep them out of the neighbor's garden.

I'm curious to see when the three trees will start to show their little buds, they are barren still and so is the bush that shot up in the jasmine, that I have no idea of what it is. The jasmine needs to be cut way back, because it is so invasive. I'll have to go at it with the garden clippers. I'd like to dig it up and be rid of it completely. I wanted a climbing jasmine vine and the Exfactor came home with this bush. That's been a major regret ever since. Maybe I'll ask him to dig it up for me.

Okay, I have some house cleaning to do and I better do it now.

Have a great evening.

Ciao...

Reality.

I took the Überhund for a walk this morning and when we were almost back to the apartment, I heard the Exfactor's motorcycle. I said to the dog, "Come on, your old boss is here, " but he didn't react at all. I schlepped him home with me and then he reacted very happily when he saw the Exfactor. He does his little puppy dance and runs around in circles all the while squealing like a little piglet. It's a little overdone, but what the heck. For some reason, in those first few minutes, he still associates the Exfactor with pleasant things.

We went inside and I learned my lesson really well today about why I am not married to the Exfactor anymore, nor why I ever would wish to be again.

You see, the man is a very dominant person and when he comes over, it is not to ask how I am, but to tell me in the greatest detail what he has been doing in the days since I last saw him. It doesn't matter what I am wearing or what I look like or if I am red and purple with stripes all over. He just starts up his monologue and when he is finished with it, he leaves again, feeling very satisfied and convinced that we've had a good talk.

His conversations are all about him, everything is centered around him, he has to be the focus of all the attention. When I bring up something else, he manages to relate it back to him and how that plays in his life and how he is bothered by situations like that. He makes broad statements that leave out any chance for discussion and is very feisty in his opinions. He is an exhausting man, who leaves you feeling that you are trying to move a mountain emotionally.

He closes up immediately when I bring up a point of delicate discussion between the two of us and instantly changes the subject, so that we never get done talking about it. I do not get to make an astute observation that would set me free if he understood what I was talking about. So I have to set myself free. He doesn't allow me to talk about our shared past and what we could have learned from it.

And do you think he noticed my haircut? He looked at me a dozen times, but he didn't take it in.

He is a very self centered person who tolerates people around him as long as they behave the way he thinks they ought to behave and that means going along with his egocentricity. Letting him be the center of attention constantly. The kid that brags, "Look Ma, no hands!"

He is especially this way when he has spent some time with his twin brother, because they are both the same and they try to outdo each other when they are together. There is a kind of aggression there to be the top dog and to outshine the other one. There is lots of macho behavior all hiding under a thin layer of civility.

I am not going to apologize for being blunt about this. I think I've kept quiet about this long enough. Life's tough when you live with a little dictator and I am glad to be out from underneath it. I think the things I dislike about the Exfactor's twin brother are the exact same things I don't like about the Exfactor himself. It fills me with an intense feeling of aversion and makes me realize how lucky I am to have escaped with my sanity intact, after all, because these people play an enormous power game with you constantly. You have to be very strong to hold up underneath it.

Today I saw the Exfactor at his worst behavior, the way I saw him many times and all the memories came flooding back. How I was always teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown from being around him. How I became incompetent around him and could not do the simplest things right. How unruly and stressed the animals were when he was home. How I loved and loathed him at the same time. How unpredictable he was. How very, very opinionated and dismissive. Most of all, how he made me dependent on him for the simplest things, so I lost my autonomy and my self image. I didn't have a clue as to how to act independently and I seldom had a penny to my name.

It was a good lesson today, lest I fall into some rose tinted nostalgia. It's best to see things for what they really are, under all circumstances. The thought of having him here underfoot, every day and every night is unbearable to me. I have no room for him. Physically and emotionally. He takes up much more than his alloted space. He comes with too much baggage.He comes with a lot of stuff.

I have a feeling that there is not much introspection happening. He is going to get fired from his job as of March the first. Irreconcilable differences with the management. He had a good job and two crucial diplomas and he is throwing it all away to be unemployed at the age of 58. He thinks he will quite easily find another job, but I doubt it very much the way things look now. I don't know why he has let it come this far. It's a foolish thing having to do with being stubborn. He'll be out of work for months and walking around with his soul under his arm.

I'm doing fine now, having recuperated from the shocking discovery of facing the real Exfactor again. I realize more than anything that my fate is in my own hands and that that is the safest place it can be and that I am never going to relinquish it again. I'm to be my own mistress and my own guardian. Who takes better care of me than I do? I will not make space for anyone else to take on even a bit of that role in my life. I think I have been cured of that forever. I never want to be anything close to a helpless female again. It's a rotten role to be stuck in and very insecure. I don't want some stuffed potentate leading my life.

Well, thank you for letting me unload, finally. It's been a real pleasure. For those of you reading this who ought not to, I pity you in making these discoveries. Maybe it is time you move on to other blogs and stop peeking into my life.

Have a great rest of the day. It is still a holiday here because of Carnival. No stores are open and I am just going to make it with my groceries.

Ciao...

Oh, drad.

Contrary to what you may believe, I did not actually sit behind the computer all day. I did do some useful things such as wash the dishes and pick up hands full of dog hair and empty out ashtrays and dust some table surfaces. I even walked the dog 3 times and washed my hair again to get all the wax out that I had smeared into it in my enthusiasm to look good. I also made cigarettes and watched sports on TV, which was actually kind of boring, but it was something else to do. I also made the bed and watered some plants (not all of them needed to be watered).

Washing my hair is turning out the easiest thing to do. I can do it in three minutes flat. I stick my head under the faucet and wash it with olive soap (for my eczema), rinse it, grab the towel, rub it dry (which it is instantly). My hair stands up straight in the air and I apply hairspray to it and push it into place here and there and, voilá, I am done and look smashing. Easy as pie. No messing with the wax.

Taking a shower should be as easy, but it isn't with the peeling off of all the layers of clothing and the enormous water ballet it ends up being if the shower curtain doesn't hang just so in the right place so the water doesn't escape into the rest of the bathroom. It's a tricky thing and spoils your shower time. I do have a wonderful scrub thing that turns the shower gel into lots of suds and scrubs your whole body clean and pink. So that's the good part.

The Überhund stays well away from the bathroom when I'm taking a shower. I think he's afraid that I'll make him come in. He's there when I do everything else, but not when the shower is running.

Since I don't know anything about the first 7 years of his life, it's always a guess as to why he dislikes some things so much. For instance, when I first got him, he disliked getting hugged and kissed very much and would not give me a kiss if I asked for it. Now he will let me hug and kiss him if I go about it gently, but he still dislikes giving kisses, though he will do it if I really want him to, but I don't push him that far that often. He comes with his instruction booklet too, just like I do. We're two peas in a pod.

It's the middle of the night now, or you could say that it is almost very early in the morning. I don't know why I'm still up. I've taken all of my medication and should be getting sleepy. It's such a bummer if you don't go to bed when you're supposed to because the will to sleep isn't there. I've slept on the sofa, so I did get some sleep, but I woke up at an inopportune moment and was wide awake then.

There is always a large part of me that's so excited about being awake that I have no thought of going to bed then. Maybe I should throw myself into the nightlife at that time. The cafés stay open all night, after all. I have no experience with this so I have no idea what I would be letting myself in for. I'm a babe in the woods, although I know people who stay out until 4:30 in the morning and I could easily join them. Although I'm no party animal and a big crowd and loud music would probably be wasted on me and so would a large number of drinks. I just have to try it some night and see what I think of it. People don't start really going out here until 10 PM, so that is kind of late, but it would fit in with my schedule.

Now I think I will go to bed. I am sufficiently tired. First I am going to eat something good .

Good night, everyone, see you at sunrise.

Ciao...

Sunday is happening.

Sunday is happening and I have yet to get dressed and participate in it in any way. I have fed the animals and talked to my older sister on the phone. I have been to Facebook and I have read blogs, but other than that, I haven't done a bloody thing. And it was so exciting to wake up too, with brand new hair.

I'm afraid someone is going to report me to the Association Of Diligent Dutch Housewives for laziness and for not keeping up the good name of Dutch cleanliness and honor everywhere. You guys think I am so neat because of the pictures you saw, but you'd be amazed at how dirty this place gets every day if I don't do anything. I can be just as slovenly as the next woman. I am organized and tidy, until I let it all fall apart and don't give a hoot. Then I have to start all over again the next day. The two faces of me.

I sure am enjoying my new hair, except that I put a little bit too much wax in it and it makes it hard to brush, but at least it stays in place. I washed it yesterday after completely ruining it when I tried to fix it better. I should have left well enough alone, but I learned my lesson. Trust your hairdresser to fix it right. And more wax isn't better, in fact, less is more.

Oh, the dog wants to go out now...

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It isn't very cold outside, but it is drizzling just a bit. It's like the fog is falling down. I suppose that's good for your complexion. Although for some reason I think that is supposed to be Irish Mist. Not to be mistaken with Bailey's Irish Cream, which I also have a bottle of on my kitchen shelf. Do you know that some people drink it with ice cubes in it? Really!

Mmm...that's smooth stuff. I haven't had any of it in a long time, not since my drinking days or before that even. I never grab for the Irish Cream when I drink to get drunk. I think it is too good for it. There's also still half a bottle of vodka, but I don't have the least inclination to add it to my glass of orange juice. And I pass the cheap wine in the supermarket without blinking an eye. It's totally meaningless to me. I am so glad that I feel normal when I do, that I don't wish to feel any other way.

I'm wearing my black leggings and my green boots and my mini skirt. My mini skirt is my favorite skirt to wear, because it allows me to get on and off my bike easily. My other skirts don't allow as much moving around space for my legs. I do like to wear my dresses for the same reason, in that they also give me this space. I haven't worn any jeans in I don't know how long. I doubt I will be wearing them again any time soon. Wearing dresses and skirts with leggings is so much more comfortable.

I feel very feminine when I wear them, without feeling girlish, if you know what I mean. I mean, I don't feel cute. I do feel that my legs look better in my black leggings than they do in jeans and that the skirts and dresses are more flattering on me.

I like wearing boots. I think they are far superior to shoes and I am going to wear them as long as possible this year. There is something very tough about wearing boots with a skirt. It makes you feel like a Tough Broad. That's what I always aim for in life. To be a Tough Broad with Shit Kicking Boots. I always pay attention to see what sort of boots women wear and I have seen some very nice ones. I wish I could afford more of them. I'd be like Imelda Marcos, except I'd have that many boots.

The problem with wearing black clothes is that you always find the white hairs of your cats on them, even after you've washed them. I just put on a clean black sweater and it was already covered in white hair. I'll very patiently have to pick them off. Or run fast so that nobody notices them.

Today is the Carnival parade. I had thought about going there to take pictures, but with the drizzling weather I think I'll stay home. I have so much to do here anyway if I don't want to loose my spot with the Diligent Dutch Housewives.

Well, I'm off. I have to do some serious tidying up. I hope you enjoy your Sunday as well as I will. It is a day of endless pleasure to me, especially if the apartment looks halfway decent in case the Queen stops by. I am counting on it before she retires.

Ciao...

Haircut.

I just went to my friendly neighborhood salon and had my haircut by my nice little hairdresser without the aid of a picture to point to to say, "That is how I want it." So I had to verbally explain it, but within 5 seconds she knew what I meant and came with her own suggestions, so we were on the same track. I wanted a completely new hairdo, a 'get out of bed and do hardly anything with it hairdo.' This one requires a little wax and a bit of hairspray to make the plucks of hair stand up straight and look messy and for the bangs to stay in place, but that's all very easy compared to the hairdo I did have, which required a lot of effort. It's a hairdo for young people, but since I feel so young at heart, I figure I qualify and it can be mine as well as anybody else's.

Excuse the crooked smile and the funky looking eye. I took about ten pictures and this was the best one and I figure I had to stop somewhere. Looking at my haircut now, I think I can mess with it some more and get it even better looking. I just need to get the wax out and a hairbrush and fool around with it a little bit.

Don't you always do that when you get home from the hairdresser's? Mess with your hair until it suits you? I always do. I make faces in the mirror to look at my most advantageous and comb my hair until it looks the way I am most pleased with it.

I must say that I am happy with my hairdresser, though. She always does a good job and listens to me well and follows my instructions to a T. And she calls me Irene and not ma'am, which she easily could, because I am way older than she is.

She is such a young whippersnapper and so nimble and quick on her feet. Handles those scissors like they are chopsticks and she is Chinese by birth, at lightening speed.

I must make an appointment next month to keep this hairdo looking properly and I will write it down in my agenda. I am thinking about dyeing my hair a different color, but I am undecided which color to go with. Do I go lighter or darker, or reddish? Any suggestions, anyone?

I slept until 8:30 this morning, not bad, huh? The extreme tiredness is leaving my body and I'm starting to feel normal again. I'm up all day, but I do get prematurely sleepy at night when I fall alseep on the sofa, but then my SPN says I am not a youngster anymore and it comes with age. She called me yesterday to see how I was doing and I told her that I am doing fine, that I am very calm and mellow and that there is no hypomania, nor is there any depression as a result of the increase in the antipsychotic medication. I am just nice and normal, so she decided to keep things as they are, to prevent further hypomania from happening, and she is going to check back with me in another week. In the meantime,my psychiatrist is available should I need help, which I don't think I will. Things are cope static right now.

The Exfactor was here with his twin brother yesterday for coffee for a short while. They came to pick up a bookcase. I am very friendly to my ex brother in law and ask him how he is and how his partner is and I get a long explanation, but I am never asked how I am and what is going on in my life, which makes me think that relationship is kind of a waste of time. I also have a sneaking suspicion that my weblog has been discovered by the Exfactor's family and that now several members of it are reading it. This is in reaction to a remark my ex sister in law from Ausralia made in an email.

This is not going to change anything about the way I post. I'll be as brazen as ever.

Well, now I'm going to mess with my hair. It is cold here and I think I will also put on some warmer clothes. There should be ample choice in the closet.

Bye for now. Have a nice afternoon. If I get my hair to look nicer, I'll post that picture instead.

Ciao...

More photographs.

This is my bathroom shelf beneath the mirror. It holds all my beauty secrets. The little jar with the pink lid is my moisturizer. The blue jar with the silver lid holds wax for my hair. There is also face gel to wash my face with and mousse for my hair and hairspray, which I buy every week it seems. Way to the left is toothpaste.
The white canister holds shower foam to wash your body with, but I never use that one. It was a freebie. My roll on deodorant is there too and my nail polish, which I never wear anymore, because too much of a bother.


Here are my books by my pillows on the bed. My reading glasses are sliding down the mattress. That's when I have enough sense to take them off. Very often I sleep with them on all night long and wake up with dents in my face. It's not a pretty sight and I apply much cold water to get the dents out. That is a very good book I'm reading.








Here is the cat towel holder in the bathroom. It also holds the bag of clothes pins to hang up the laundry with. I got the cat holder from my other ex. It's kind of cute. I hope he comes by bearing gifts again one of these days. Oh yes, I'm greedy that way.


















Here is a fresh load of laundry hanging to dry on the clothes rack. You see how neatly everything has been hung up. It's a compulsion. I can't help myself. Yes, I have a lot of black clothes. They make you look slimmer. The red thing is my pajama top. The striped things are my leggings.My socks hang at the very front. My underwear is invisible at the other side.















Here is the little cigarette making factory. The pots of tobacco, the boxes with the filter tubes and the little gadget that puts it all together into a cigarette. See how lovely my plant looks in the background. It helps keep the air clean. Sucker has to work hard.









Here is my computer desk, which looks a lot neater than it really is. There's a lot of stuff behind the screen. I try to keep it organized. I know where everything is, each piece of paper and every gadget. One thing though, it always gathers much dust and I find it very frustrating to clean.I wish to hire someone to come and clean my desk once a week.







Here is my selection of Cup a Soups. Not much to say about them, except that I put three envelopes in a bowl of hot water and make a very thick soup that's delicious and filling.












Here are some dishes drying in the dish rack. Two days worth. The top white bowl belongs to the Überhund. He eats in style. The tall glasses are for my chocolate milk. the soup bowls are for my Cup a Soup and for my porridge. The big mug with the cat on it is for my coffee.
















Here are pots of teabags and boxes of teabags and cookies. You'd think I drank a lot of tea, wouldn't you? Wrong, they're all for company. Only the cookies are for me.

There is rose hip tea, which I really dislike, but the Exfactor bought it especially for me, so what do you do?








Here are all my refrigerator magnets, some of which I took with me from the States. I never hang any notes on there, because it makes it look so messy and I don't like that. They are just there for decoration purposes. I see I have to launder the mouse's shirt.









Here is the Überhund looking arrogant, but that is just his normal expression. He's not really stuck up or anything at all. He does have a rather disdainful look, doesn't he? But he's really very nice.


















Here is Toby in the striped chair. He is thinking, "I know I'm not supposed to be in this chair, but I'm doing it anyway." He's a macho cat, he rules!













Well, those were all the pictures for today. I hope you enjoyed another look at my household. I hope some of you will do the same now, because I am really curious.

Ciao...

Finally Friday.

I must have had an awful lot of sleep to catch up on, because yesterday all day long, whenever I sat down , I started to nod off after a while, until I made myself come awake again and stand up and do something useful, until I finally gave in and took a long nap on the sofa later in the afternoon. Sometimes it was even difficult to keep a phone conversation going. I talked with my eyes closed, which is not conducive to having a great talk.

So I dragged my butt around and didn't accomplish much. It was all too much effort. I did make it to the supermarket and did all the groceries. I bought some very good food for the dog and I hope that he likes it, because it is amongst the best I could find without breaking the bank. I bought much milk and plenty of coffee pads. They were on sale, thank goodness. For a treat, I bought cookies for myself and I ate them all up. They tasted very fine indeed. Sometimes you just have to sin a little.

It's not as if I can afford to sin, because I've gained 5 kilos this past winter and I have to get rid of them, obviously. I don't quite know how yet , because I love the foods that I am eating right now and it seems more than obvious that I'm getting plenty of them. Leave it to me to eat too much with a gastric band in. I always will find a way.

So yesterday I hardly made it out of bed in the morning and today I'm already up at 5 AM. What woke me up was the impatient pacing around of the Überhund. He didn't even want to go out, but was just walking around the apartment following cats around as if that is a new hobby of his.

When I got up, I walked around like an old woman at first, because my hips hurt from laying in the bed all wrong. I don't know how I managed to do that, but it is the second morning in a row that this has happened. Maybe I am just becoming an old woman, period.

I'm rather excited about today, because I get to go to creative therapy, and it will mean that my weekends will be so much shorter. They used to start on Thursdays, it seemed, and now they will start properly om Friday afternoons. Even then, I still have house cleaning to do this afternoon, so it will really not be a weekend day yet. I must vacuum the apartment and clean up the bathroom. Both jobs that I simply adore. I also have to do some laundry, which I mind much less. There is always so much dog hair in the bathroom stuck on everything! You can't simply sweep or wipe it away, you have to get on your hands and knees and scrub it off!

Well, I will never get first place in the Dutch housewife competition, but I'm always reminded of my late sister in law who didn't care much for cleaning house, but who did a lot of other interesting things with her life. She is much more an example to me than people with super clean houses. When she retired, she bought a house in France with a big vegetable garden and an orchard and she had two cats and two dogs and never a dull moment in her life. My cat Gandhi is one of her cats. So, I have a French cat, a French-Belgian cat and a Dutch cat. We are the European Community.

I just gave the Überhund his new dog food and he wolfed it down in one minute flat. It's supposed to be all natural and as close to homemade as you can get. It's called Butcher's and the first ingredient is meat followed by rice and vegetables, without artificial ingredients. I am trying to read all the small print on the can in four different languages, but it is hard even with my reading glasses on. The one I have now has fresh beef, rice and carrots. There is also fresh tripe and chicken, and fresh chicken, ham and rice. To name just a few. I think that is much better than what I was giving him at the start, which was an undefined conglomeration of god knows what. We are moving up in the world of dog food.

Well, now I have to get going. It´s that time of the morning again.

Have a good day. I am bound to have one.

Ciao...

Here I am...

Hi there, here I am, the master procrastinator. I have just managed to spend two hours waking up with numerous mugs of coffee on the sofa before I was able to get dressed and take the Überhund out. He woke me up at 8:30 because he had to piddle, otherwise I would have slept a lot longer. So, I sat there, slightly comatose, trying to remember how I was put together and how everything functioned. I stood for a long time by the Senseo machine trying to figure out how it worked again, not remembering that I had to put the pads in and the milk in my mug.

Yes, it was a tough time waking up this morning, but somehow I made it. It was very inconvenient that the dog chose this morning not to sleep late. So you would think that after I walked the dog, I would be cleaning the apartment and doing the much needed groceries. Well, none of that yet. Like I said, I am procrastinating and saving all those jobs for later when I am in the more proper mood. First I want to do things that are enjoyable, because I'm still tired and I can't even wrap my mind around a shopping list. I hope writing this post will get my thoughts organized well enough to do that when I'm done.

It's a gray day outside and not exactly stimulating to the mind. A little bit of sunshine would have been very welcome now. Let's hope it isn't going to rain, because that would really put a damper on things. Yesterday I very optimistically rode my bike without wearing my gloves because the sun was shining, not realizing that it was actually freezing and that there was ice on the puddles. Little judgment mistake. Sunshine fools you into thinking that the weather is nice.

I'm drinking coffee without milk again, therefor my need to go shopping. It's also Carnival this weekend and I think the stores are closed on Monday, so I need to calculate that in when I get the groceries. I'll have to buy extra milk, because there is almost nothing worse than drinking black coffee.

The whole town will be in upheaval again, with costumed celebrants everywhere. There is no town in the Netherlands that celebrates Carnival as well as this town. They know how to do it right. The parade lasts four hours. The celebration takes days. There isn't an sort of normalcy around. All is a madhouse which I stay far away from. You either love it or hate it. It depends on if you are brought up with it. There is an awful lot of drinking involved and it is expected that you make a tour of the pubs where loud carnival music is played and the carnival bands roam the streets and add their joyful noise. Kids are pulled along in costume in decorated wagons and drink sodas all day long. There they go from pub to pub. Afterwards, the streets are a mess of confetti and broken glass and discarded bits of clothing.

I may go and take pictures of the events, I haven't quite decided yet. I don't know if I want to throw myself into the general mayhem. It takes a brave person to do that.

Speaking of taking pictures. I am going to be taking more of things around the apartment starting today. Whatever I run across that might be interesting, I'll take a picture of. It will take me a while to get enough of them to post.

Well, I can't postpone the start of the day forever, so I may as well face up to it and make that shopping list. I should be wide awake enough now.

Have a great day.

Ciao...

I don't know...

I don't know what has gotten over the Überhund. It is way past his dinnertime and all he does is sleep beneath the computer desk. Snoring a bit too, gone from the world. His internal clock must be mixed up today. Maybe if I get myself a mug of decaf, he will wake up and realize that he is hungry.

Yes, well, that did it. He realized I was gone and had to go look for me first, but not in the obvious place. When he found me and I asked him if he wanted to eat, all three cats sped into the kitchen. I think they know the meaning of those words better than he does. He is just a wee bit slow of understanding sometimes. It takes awhile for the synapses to make the connections. I think his neurons aren't always firing properly.

Oh yes, now he wants to go out, of course, so I let him out back for a piddle, but I think it is not enough. He wants the real thing. Quick, I have to think of a diversionary tactic. I know, I'll put ointments in his eyes and give him a treat. That should divert him for a bit. He is looking at me with his big begging eyes. Oh, boy.

The good news is, that I now also get to go to a creative therapy class on Friday mornings with the same therapist, in the same creative space where I am on Mondays. I heard that bit of good news today. I am thrilled to pieces, because now I have therapy on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, just what I wanted. There was a waiting list for the Friday class, so I don't know how I managed to get this spot, but I am very happy with it. You don't look a gift horse in the mouth, right? Or don't you say that in English?

Right, I am going to walk the Überhund now, so we'll both have peace of mind.

--------------------

Today I had ergo therapy and we all got a chance to talk, including me, and I told them about my rather tumultuous week without the sleeping pills and how that ended up and I actually got complimented by several people, which I was not expecting at all, for having solved the problem on my own eventually. My take on it was that I had behaved somewhat dimwitted and had gotten myself into a mess, but they saw me as someone who had gotten herself out of a mess independently. That sort of blew my mind. The therapist said that for someone who had been hypomanic I had acted pretty responsibly in the end. Doesn't that just blow you away?

Well, I left there feeling pretty good about myself and excited about the extra class, but I'll tell you something. I am really tired right now. I am just plain bushed. I feel as if I've done a lot of work, when really I haven't, but I think it is just the mental strain from the past week that's catching up with me. I am going to bed early tonight and I hope I sleep for a long time. That's what I absolutely need to do. So, I'll just plan on that then.

Right, off I go. Have a good evening. Don't be stubborn like I am.

Ciao...

Just one more.

As is usual, I have already had a good sleep on the sofa for a few hours, which were very pleasant and out of which I woke up in a good mood for a change. No grumpiness around anywhere as far as I can see. I took my nighttime medication and am now waiting for that to start working before I go to bed. I hope I make it to bed and that I am not forced to park my body on the sofa again, like I did early this morning, although that was pleasant enough too.

I have read all of your comments on the photographs I posted and appreciate them a lot. I will do that again some day. I will walk around the apartment again and take more pictures of intimate details. No, not of my underwear drawer, although things are fairly neatly arranged in there.

My appointment with my SPN went well. We are not lowering my antipsychotic medication yet, because she thinks I'm just plain worn out from all the intensity I went through after not having used my sleeping pills for such a long time. She said it is no wonder that I feel like a sloth today and that it is a more physical reaction than a mental one and that she sees no sign of depression. She is going to call me on Friday to check on me to see how I am doing then.

Because I was so absolutely not hypomanic today, we were able to discuss that subject to some extent and I was able to give her a lot more clues as to what to look for when I am hypomanic, but claim that I am not, and that is not because I am lying, but because at that time I am convinced that I am not hypomanic. So, I have told her some more tell tale signs and I also explained how she can confront me with myself if I am in denial, because I may need some convincing and become upset if she were to make the claim that I was.

She said that the things I told her today were real eye openers and that a lot of things of the past year started to make more sense to her. My behavior over the past year started to make more sense to her, but it is most important if she knows I'm hypomanic when I don't realize that I am and that she can call me on it and that I can accept it. I have to learn to accept that from her. That when she says, "Irene, I think you are hypomanic right now and we need to increase your antipsychotic," that I don't fight that and go along with it and do what is best for me.

So, that was the story of hypomania and the medication for it. I have lots of stories like that. I am damn near an expert on manic depression and on BPD. Ask me anything and I will tell you.

Well, now I'm sitting here getting a little sleepy, so I best go to bed. Common sense tells me to go, eventhough I want to stay up some more.

Sleep tight.

Ciao...

Photographs

I have just walked around my apartment and took some photographs of ordinary things. This is in a cubbyhole in the bookcase. The dish holds stones that my son and I found on Goat Rock Beach in Northern California. In the box are special memories to him and the last handwritten letter I got from him. The cat is there, because he was a cat person like me. I see the stones are a little dusty. Got to clean those up.




Here is one page of the book collage framed behind glass, therefore the nasty glare of the flash. I tried to take it without the flash, but that corner of the room was to dark.

Not too dark, however, for those plants to thrive. They are doing well there and get watered once a week. They need to be re potted, as they have little roots dangling out of their bottoms, but so far, so good. There are three plants there in one pot.

It said that it likes dry conditions, but it seems that my plants like to be kept wet and in the dark, so you can't believe everything you read.









This is the little hardy fern I talked about with the framed birth announcement of my grandson, which is washed out by the flash and a baby picture of me.

I put the baby picture there for effect. It isn't normally there, but it was handily nearby. I thought you might like to see how cute I was.








Here are the hand towel and the dish towel in the kitchen. Next to it is the potholder that my sister in law quilted before she died some years ago. It used to get used a lot when the Exfactor still lived here. Now I see that it needs to be washed.

The things you notice when you take pictures of them!

The towels get used every day and I am constantly hanging up fresh ones. They're great fillers if you don't have enough laundry for a whole load.











The flowered cups are collectibles I inherited from my Mom. I have other dishes with this pattern also, not many, just a few.

The mug with my name on it we bought in Germany, in Aachen. I like mugs with my name on it. I plan to buy more if I see any and if I like them.

The teaspoon depicts the Our Dear Lady Basilica downtown.




Here is where I keep all my necklaces, although some of them aren't on there, they have to be repaired.

In the box are some marbles that someone gave me once as a keepsake with a little note to go with it. My bike keys are laying on the shelf also. The little figurine is a baby penguin that the Exfactor got me once. I better not think of what trip that was.






Here is where I keep all my keys. Except for my bike keys, because I don't want to mix up my bike keys with my house keys.

I got this key holder from my other ex, who knows how much I like cats and who always buys me something cat related.

Exes can be handy that way.






This is my favorite picture of my son, looking not into the camera, but at the cat he is petting, with a smile on his face. It is a sacred picture to me.

It is a still life with a picture and a plant and a cat.

That's how it stands on the little bookcase and I look at it every day.

He is never far away from me. He's in my head constantly.




Well, that was that. I hope you enjoyed that little glimpse into my world.

Ciao...

Sometimes...

I have inadvertently pushed on some buttons, and now the text in the 'create a post' is very bold and the text of my blog is very little, so that I can barely read it with my reading glasses on. If anyone knows a solution, please let me know. I hope it shows up normally for you. I have just increased the size of the text in fonts and colors, so you'll have to let me know how big it shows up on your side. Grrr... if only I knew what I did. I rested my wrists on the keyboard and then it happened.

I took my sleeping pill early last night while I sat on the sofa in my pajamas and bathrobe and fell asleep there until the phone rang. I answered it very incoherently, hardly able to remember who I was. It was my friend Joost and we had a very unsuccessful conversation, because I was almost unable to form complete sentences. All I said was yes and no. So after awhile I told him that I had to hang up and that I would cal him back today. It just was no good talking to me, because I could not react properly to what he told me and I thought I was rather rude, although I told him what the problem was.

I went straight to bed after that, only to wake up at 3:30 AM thinking I was wide awake again. This turned out to be a false alarm, because after a mug of coffee and reading some blogs, I laid down on the sofa and was asleep again in seconds and slept for a few more hours until the doorbell rang. It was my old neighbor lady who did not know how to work the digital thermostat in her apartment and indeed, it was very hot in there, like a tropical green house, as a matter of fact. So I showed her how to turn it down to an acceptable level, but I think she didn't trust herself to do it right, because she asked me if I could come over to reset it again when they went away to stay in their caravan.

Now, I still haven't walked the Überhund who ate his breakfast, but who is now snoring under the coffee table and I am still sitting here in my bathrobe. Ain't it awful? What's to become of my world? I am really being a slowpoke today. All I can think of is my next mug of coffee.

I think I will finish this in a while after I have done my morning ritual, so see you in a bit.

--------------------

It was gray and wet and almost drizzling outside. Very optimistic weather! Actually, it was the kind of weather that makes you long to walk on a big wide beach where the dog can run around and where the sea is but a few yards away from you, but calm and at rest with small waves that have just a little bit of foamy heads on them. Such as the North Sea on a quiet day when there is hardly any wind. It's too bad that the Überhund will probably never see the sea. It's a long drive from here. It's nice to fantasize about, though. You do have to live in your head sometimes.

The other fantasy is to walk in a great big forest and there are enough of them around here. It's just a question of getting to them. I am going to have to use my imagination.

I can definitely say that I'm not hypomanic anymore now, because I feel like a sloth. I hope those weren't my famous last words. Really, I'm having such a hard time to get motivated, even writing this post is taking me forever. I think I'll talk myself into doing some housework instead and see if I can get the day started properly that way.

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and by that time I need to know what sort of a mood I am in. I can only find out if I get the proverbial show on the road now.

Have a good day, everyone.

Ciao...

202nd post.

I didn't realize that since I've been back with Blogger, I had already written 200 posts as of yesterday. That is after I left Wordpress and not counting all the posts I wrote on Blogger before that. So, happy anniversary to me for a little milestone. 't Is but a blip on the radar, a minor happening, but I should have celebrated it with a pastry had I been aware of it, because any excuse will do to eat a pastry with chocolate frosting and whipped cream on top. Oh, I can taste it now, booger.

Due to the lack of sleeping pills, I also took extra tranquilizers before I went to sleep last night and I have to tell you that I slept like a baby until 7 AM, which was a perfect time to get up because I had to go to creative therapy. I made an extremely slow start and had two mugs of coffee before I could even think of functioning.

I have decided not to worry about getting some place a bit late anymore, as long as I can gather myself together at my own pace and do the things I need to do in my own rhythm. It's important that I don't rush, lest I forget something crucial like taking my medicines, which I have done in the past when in a hurry. I got dressed and made up and did my hair and walked the dog and had another mug of coffee before I left and was 10 minutes late, which was not too bad. There are people who walk in later than that.

I finished another collage and I will post it right here:

I was a bit in a rush when I finished this and it has multiple layers of acrylic paint on it, as I kept being unhappy with the outcome of the combinations. I started with red and finally ended up going back to red with some green in the background.

I see now that I needed brighter images to go with this and that will be my next quest, to find brighter images, I am sure I will find them in all the magazines that are still laying around.

There is some yellow in there too that does not show up well in the photograph, but trust me, it is there.

I have three collages that I want to frame now, so I am on a quest to find the right sizes at the most affordable price. Ikea doesn't have the right sizes, I already looked on line. So, I'll have to go back to that store downtown where I bought two other frames, but I secretly hope that have something cheaper than what I got then.

When I got home, I went to the convenience store to buy the dog some food, instead of going to the supermarket, which I just was not in the mood for, and I bought him some food that had 5 kinds of meat in it, in the proper portions. Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my sleeping pills. Oh boy, what a relief that was, to finally get them after having been so stubborn about them all week. I don't know what came over me about that.

The dog loved his food and I gave some of it to Nouri who was crying pitifully for something to eat and I made sure the other cats left her in peace while she ate it. I don't think it's going to harm her to eat some dog food now and then along with her kibbles. She won't start barking or anything or lifting her leg to pee on bushes.

Then I very quickly did some jobs in the apartment in the time that remained and with the energy I had left to spare and walked the dog for the third time that day. Now it seems that he wants to go out again, so I will have to take him in a while.

I realize that this is just a dry summing up of my day, without much humor in it. I'll owe you that in the next post. Right now I'm just tired and hungry and I am going to walk the dog and then eat something and put my pajamas on. How lucky can a girl get?

Have a good evening. I'll talk to you all in the morning.

Ciao...

Ain't we got fun?

The first thing I did this morning was pick up nearly 200 filter tubes that were scattered on the floor of the living room. Doubtlessly I owed that pleasure to one of the cats, because the box was laying under the computer desk. It's impossible to get nearly 200 filter tubes neatly into the box again, so I tossed them in haphazardly in a pile that's overflowing. It will be fun to use them, because some of them are crushed and may be beyond usefulness.

I grumbled about that a bit, especially when Toby and Nouri came over to 'help' me. They sauntered over and sat right down in the middle of things. The Überhund was merely confused by it all and didn't know what to do. He walked around the living room in frustration. I will teach him to growl at cats and be mean to them when they have done something wrong, though I doubt it will do any good. Cats don't associate well.

There is something clearly wrong with me, as I can't stay away from the computer. I find it difficult to turn it off and when it's on, I find it difficult not to write something. It may be something as simple as me going through withdrawal from my sleeping pills, I don't know, but I am not behaving rationally.

I see myself being fixated, but I can't seem to stop it. It's like I'm on a merry go round that doesn't stop turning.

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That's what I wrote this morning and as soon as I read my own words, I turned off the computer. I realized that I was indeed not behaving rationally and that I was the only one who could stop me from doing it. I turned on the television and fell asleep on the sofa. That was good, because I had a short night. Tomorrow I'm going to the pharmacy to pick up my sleeping pills. I don't know why I got it in my head to suddenly quit taking them last week. These things usually do not pan out well for me. I should know better by now. You don't suddenly quit a medication.

I am trying to keep myself calm and relaxed and really pay attention to the amount of stress I feel and how uptight I get about things. I appear calm on the surface, but things are bubbling underneath. I have fixated thoughts and I can't seem to put my focus on other things but this damn computer. I have just taken extra tranquilizers to calm down a bit, but I worry about tomorrow and how well I will do at creative therapy and if I will be able to relax enough. I worry about things I should not worry about and nitpick them to death.

The Überhund has had his double meal and has been walked and now he is laying on his blanket under the coffee table and he is sound asleep and snoring gently. It's so sweet. He is practically comatose. Totally oblivious of everything around him. I would like to take a pillow and curl up beside him, but he would look at me very strangely if I did that. I must not cross the boundaries of his dog world. Besides that, I would be covered in dog hair in no time. It's bad enough as it is.

Toby is siting on the kitchen counter pondering life's bigger questions. Like, why is there never anything good to eat around here and why does that darn dog get all the best stuff? He is sitting there in the hope that some good morsels will come along and that he will get some of them. The kitchen counter is the best place to be. It's also where the dish of milk is. Out of the dog's reach.

It's been 45 minutes since I took the tranquilizers and I feel them working now. What a nice feeling it is. My whole mind is relaxing. So is my body. You can't do this on your own. It's a loosing battle. I can't fight my own mind and what it sets out to do. I see what it does, but I can't shake myself free of it. It's like being overpowered by an entity that is larger than me.

The Überhund is awake again and walking purposefully through the apartment. I think he has an idea in his head, but has not quite fromulated it. I will put the oitments in his eyes now and he will get a treat. That will distract him for a while. Maybe he needs to go out one more time after that big meal. It's cold outside, so I will have to dress up warmly.

Ciao...