Thursday, February 12, 2009
So what else is new?
Last night at 2 AM for some reason, probably nothing to do whatsoever with hypomania, right, I was still awake and not at all in conflict with myself about where I should have been. I mean, a normal person would have been in bed by that time and sound asleep, but I had these two arguing voices inside of me, which kept telling me two opposite things. One said, "Oh, you can stay up as long as you like, nobody cares." And I got all happy when I heard that voice, because it was true, nobody was the least bit bothered by how late I went to bed. I could never go to bed and still nobody would have cared. I was my own mistress and I could be as foolish as I wanted to be, as damn irresponsible as I dared to be and as stupid as my own brain allowed me to be.
But then there was the other little voice. The voice of reason that told me that going to bed at a reasonable hour was sensible and that it was the wisest thing to do and that people who are hypomanic especially need to stick to a schedule.
Well, so I was drinking decaf and I had put on my pajamas and bathrobe and I had taken my medicines. At least to that point I was sensible, but the rest of me stubbornly stayed behind the computer doing senseless things.
The poor dog was confused and didn't know where to go to sleep. He had already been on his pillow in the bedroom, but had come out again and was asleep on his blanket under the coffee table. He is always very worn out after he has had a haircut and a bath. It is as if the excitement of the car trip and the actual event are just too much for him and he needs to recuperate. He didn't realize that he hadn't been aired properly and that he had only had a long piddle out back. All he did was sleep.
Finally, the medication started to make me sleepy and I made it to bed just on time and didn't even read my book, but laid down and folded my hands over my chest and went straight to sleep. I don't know what happened to the dog. I forgot to look if he followed me.
I am going to find him some food for overweight dogs. I just can't bear to look at him the way he is. I am slightly exaggerating the way he looks, but I think because he has osteoarthritis he should not be overweight at all. He has such a good appetite nowadays and our walks have been short, so doubtlessly he has gained weight. The thing is though, that with my toe the way it is, I can't walk too far, although there is one pair of boots that is more comfortable than the others. So, longer walks it is.
I'm having a wonderful time here sitting behind the computer, while outside it has started to snow of all things. Hopefully it is just a little flurry, because I can also see the sun shining, but we're supposed to have showers all day. Luckily, I only have to walk the dog today and not go out for anything else. I still assert that this snow does not take the notion of springtime out of my head and that I see it all as a fluke of nature. I am the eternal optimist, aren't I?
Speaking of optimism, I am filled with it lately. Everywhere I go, I not only see glasses half full, I see them filled to the rim. I have a Disneyland view of the world and nothing can go wrong. I know that this is a completely asinine way of looking at things, but I can't help myself, I only see good outcomes. A good dose of realism doesn't make any difference, because I would still see the golden lining somewhere. That makes me a horrible person to have around, because I am amazingly short of sympathy. Overly optimistic people always are. You know you just want to shoot them.
I don't know how to stop being this way, because surely the world is not put together the way I see it. I only see easy solutions and not problematic catastrophes. I am God in my own thoughts. I am convinced of my own righteousness and think my own brand of optimism should be patented and applied to all. But...that's how dictators are born, aren't they? I could be Fidel Castro. Remember to never vote for me if I should ever run for any kind of office.
The sun is shining brightly again and I must walk the Überhund in all his nakedness. I hope the other dogs don't laugh at him. It would hurt his feelings so.
You all have a good day.