Whenever I write a post about my life, no matter how complicated I think it gets, I always get a downpour of positive comments and I consider myself so fortunate and so much loved that it is hard for me to explain how much it means to me all.
You let yourself talk about your most intimate feelings and that is good, even self indulgent, but sometime later you think about how it will be perceived by the people who read your blog and when they will run out of patience with you and come back with a snide remark, and you know that will hurt you, but you will also think that you deserve it for being self centered.
Therefor, my good people, I am ever so grateful for your patience and kind and encouraging words and for showing me the relativity of it all and for not letting me make a mountain out of a molehill. I could be writing into a void and only hearing the echo of my own voice, but thanks to all of you, I hear many voices. My gratitude for that.
I had a very short night, as I was woken up by some cats who were fooling around with some blinds in plastic cases that were standing in the corner of the hallway. Of course, they fell over with a lot of racket and cats fleeing in different directions and the Überhund getting upset. These blinds should have been taken to the dump a long time ago, but never were, so I'll have to place them somewhere else. It's bound to happen again.
The problem is, that once I am awake, I am so happy to be awake, that I want to stay that way, so I do everything I can to assure that I do. I turn on the computer and make myself a mug of coffee and turn on the music on the iTunes Player and light a cigarette. Then I go and find some activity to do on Facebook, for example. Something active that gets my braincells firing. I remember my father getting up stealthily in the middle of the night, so he could be busy very quietly in his workshop. He didn't want to waste any time sleeping either. Of course, my father went quite mad in the end...
I am not allowed to do any voluntary work or to follow any course without the explicit permission of Social Services. Anything I take on must be approved by them. Since they have promised to put me on a trajectory to get me back into the workforce, I have not heard another word about this. I was supposed to see one of their psychologists and be evaluated, but nothing is happening yet. I have been warned by everyone to let sleeping dogs lie and not take any initiative myself on this. It is more important that I stay in the current therapies as long as possible and to not rock the boat. My exemption from work ends officially on January the 5th, but I will be unable to do anything unless they have put me through the whole trajectory. The ball is in their court, as they say.
I think it is just awful that I can't go to the Random Word Generator and go look for new names. I feel very frustrated about that, it's like a piece of my happiness has been taken away. And then there was the joy of finding the right images.
Oh yes. I am forgetting the other stuff, aren't I? The crazy making bit. I am like an alcoholic thirsting for a drink.
It's storming so very hard outside, the rain is being whipped against the windows.
So long, dear people, I hope you have a bit of sunshine in your life now. Or a beautiful moon shining down on you,