Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Comment Downpour.

Whenever I write a post about my life, no matter how complicated I think it gets, I always get a downpour of positive comments and I consider myself so fortunate and so much loved that it is hard for me to explain how much it means to me all.

You let yourself talk about your most intimate feelings and that is good, even self indulgent, but sometime later you think about how it will be perceived by the people who read your blog and when they will run out of patience with you and come back with a snide remark, and you know that will hurt you, but you will also think that you deserve it for being self centered.

Therefor, my good people, I am ever so grateful for your patience and kind and encouraging words and for showing me the relativity of it all and for not letting me make a mountain out of a molehill. I could be writing into a void and only hearing the echo of my own voice, but thanks to all of you, I hear many voices. My gratitude for that.

I had a very short night, as I was woken up by some cats who were fooling around with some blinds in plastic cases that were standing in the corner of the hallway. Of course, they fell over with a lot of racket and cats fleeing in different directions and the Überhund getting upset. These blinds should have been taken to the dump a long time ago, but never were, so I'll have to place them somewhere else. It's bound to happen again.

The problem is, that once I am awake, I am so happy to be awake, that I want to stay that way, so I do everything I can to assure that I do. I turn on the computer and make myself a mug of coffee and turn on the music on the iTunes Player and light a cigarette. Then I go and find some activity to do on Facebook, for example. Something active that gets my braincells firing. I remember my father getting up stealthily in the middle of the night, so he could be busy very quietly in his workshop. He didn't want to waste any time sleeping either. Of course, my father went quite mad in the end...

I am not allowed to do any voluntary work or to follow any course without the explicit permission of Social Services. Anything I take on must be approved by them. Since they have promised to put me on a trajectory to get me back into the workforce, I have not heard another word about this. I was supposed to see one of their psychologists and be evaluated, but nothing is happening yet. I have been warned by everyone to let sleeping dogs lie and not take any initiative myself on this. It is more important that I stay in the current therapies as long as possible and to not rock the boat. My exemption from work ends officially on January the 5th, but I will be unable to do anything unless they have put me through the whole trajectory. The ball is in their court, as they say.

I think it is just awful that I can't go to the Random Word Generator and go look for new names. I feel very frustrated about that, it's like a piece of my happiness has been taken away. And then there was the joy of finding the right images.

Oh yes. I am forgetting the other stuff, aren't I? The crazy making bit. I am like an alcoholic thirsting for a drink.

It's storming so very hard outside, the rain is being whipped against the windows.

So long, dear people, I hope you have a bit of sunshine in your life now. Or a beautiful moon shining down on you,



Elaine said...

Irene, I know how much you love to be creative. Have you heard about blurb? Go to blurb dot com and have a read all about it. After downloading a free programme from them, you can design your very own book and fill it with text and images in so many different styles and fonts. It's amazing...I'm on my second one already! (The first book I created was of a friend's wedding. It cost me just under £25 for 140 full colour pages.)

I think a book of all your art would be wonderful. It would make a lovely present for someone, too.

Maggie May said...

Elaine's idea might be a hood way of putting your creative ideas into something that will be of benefit to you and others.
Forget the name thing for now, I would. I am a bit like that with my blog.
I don't let my self check the computer for comments/email as often as I want to. When I write something (on real paper) I find my self reading it over & over again! So we do all have our little obsessions & compulsions. It is only when we let them take us over that we need to worry.
Yesterday was a dark miserable cold day. A peek out of the curtains shows me that today is similar. I am late getting up today. Everything so dark & I must have been tired.
See how you get my first attention!
Hope your day will be good X

Bev said...

I hope I never hurt your feelings with any of my comments.

I think the blogging really helps you and you write so well and have such a loyal following.

I can only speak from my own experiences. I have a serious psychiatric history too, and have reached the very very bottom but have also managed to be very happy since then. However, I feel myself slipping back, mainly because I am spending too much time in introspection on my own. I am actually on anti depressants and seeing counsellors etc. and this is because probably because I am just in the house all day. I really feel the answer is to get really busy and to try and project outwards and meet other people. This is just what I think....:)

CC said...

Irene, you are so very creative and reading your daily stories is the first thing I do in the morning after I make my coffee and let the dogs out. You need not worry about us, your followers getting upset with you; you need to think of how best to keep yourself on the right track in order to have a splendid day every day. You are strong, kind, funny, educated, and your writings help us all in way you may never know. No rain here today and here is hoping your tomorrow is full of sunshine.

Frances said...

Your wishes have come true for me. The weather forecast was heavy rain until tomorrow, but it is sunny and bright outside.
Hope today is sunny and bright for you, too.
This moment will pass as they do each time and you will come out of it all cheered and renewed.
Keep hold of the thought that you do notice that things are going crazy and you are slipping into extremes. That is a huge advantage to you and a skill not many have. Self-awareness. One of your major strengths. Keep well. Hugs

Frances said...

colour - hmm - nice

Bev said...

Of course you have to be self- centred with your sort of problems, I wasn't meaning to say that it was bad:)

Bev said...

Only introspect on your blog because it is brill, try not to introspect the rest of the time.

Now I am going to cease commenting, because I am only making things worse!

Frances said...

Bev made me laugh so much - reminds me of the Fast Show - with the man who puts his foot in it and then says 'I'll get me coat' LOL

Anonymous said...

Writing and creating is your outlet, my friend. I feel very blessed to be able to be a "part of your world." You have so many gifts, talents that you should explore and continue. I love the idea of the book in blurb or a book in general. You have so much to offer to so many. You deserve to love yourself and your talents, without hesitation. Just make sure you follow the healing path too, that being getting the right sleep, taking the correct medications and staying with the therapies. Even in your darkest hours, you are not alone.