Monday, November 10, 2008

Downpour.

The morning started off with a big downpour of rain. It fell straight out of the heavens and flooded the street. I thought it was not the most opportune time to walk the Überhund and took my time getting ready for creative therapy instead. I thought that if it was still going to rain like that at 9 AM, I would call and tell them that I would be late, but at 8 AM the rain stopped and the Überhund and I made a dash outside.

He was in quite a hurry to go and dragged me through the communal flower patch, where my boots sank into the soft mud. I was wearing my nice boots for a change too, isn't that aways the way it goes? Then it took him some time to find the proper place to go and I don't know exactly what the criteria are. There have to be bushes or grass or leaves, or a big tree. Or a hedge that he thinks he can crouch under, but not really. His rear end is always sticking out.

Anyway, it stayed dry and that was nice, because I made it to creative therapy without one drop of rain splattering on my carefully combed hair. I had time for an espresso and a cigarette while everyone drifted in and then I was ready to tackle the work of the day, which was, surprise...a collage! I have sure been bitten by that bug.

The problem with the one I was working on today, was that I made it too easy on myself and there was hardly a challenge in it, so the next one has to be more complicated and difficult to do. I need to have problems to solve and complications to undo and difficulties to overcome. This one was a piece of cake and therefor I do not appreciate it as much, although it turned out well enough. I am not impressed by it, though.

I invited 4 people to our divorce party and all 4 of them accepted the invitation with much delight, which was a worry of my mind, because I didn't know how they would react to it, but they were all very good natured about it and talked about it on and off for the rest of the morning. You don't know how people will react to the idea of a divorce party, but it was all fine. Especially after I told them that the Exfactor and I weren't going to recreate scenes of our marriage.

It stayed dry the rest of the day, but the sky was cloudy and there was a heck of a wind blowing, which was especially cumbersome on your bike going into it, because sometimes it felt like you weren't getting anywhere. And sometimes it felt like you'd be blown over.

I made it home in one piece and had a mug of coffee before I walked the Überhund, who was wagging his rear end again from happiness at seeing me. We took a short walk through the neighborhood, because of the cold wind and after that I did some household chores. I did not turn on the computer. Purposely, I did not.

Then it was time to see my SPN and I rode my bike into the wind to her office, getting there completely stormblasted with my hair in all directions. It was a different look.

I very carefully told her the story of this weekend, not leaving out a single detail, because I know no shame, and now we are going to figure out why my identity is so wrapped up with my blog and it's name and it's image. We've already brainstormed that some. It has somehting to do with my evolution as a singular human being and finding my identity as that person and getting lost in that, but we haven't got it all figured out yet.

My medication can't be changed. I am already at the maximum dose of everything, unless I really go bonkers and they have to lock me up. This was double checked by my SPN with a psychiatrist.

WE have made some agreements. Until I see her again next week, I am to stay away from the Random Word Generator and I have to keep the name of my blog the way it is now. Under no circumstances am I allowed to change it or to go look for better names and images. Since it had taken on obsessive forms, it is better that way.

I am not allowed to get up in the middle of the night and turn on the computer. I have to go back to bed with a glass of warm milk and try to sleep some more, because it is important to have a normal schedule.

I have to walk away from the computer during the day and do something else for a while, whatever it is. Laundry, dishes, walking the Überhund, reading a book...

My SPN is going to call me for the next 2 days to see how I am. This is in lieu of the medication. She actually thinks that I am dealing with the situation well, considering the real fear I had of loosing my grip on reality.

So, off I go to make it a point that I can do this, but I would have much rather have had a pill to make it better. So, I have mixed feelings. I am sad, because I can't indulge in my obsession and because there is no pill and because I have to do this alone. I am glad I made a promise that keeps me from indulging in my obsession and takes that option away from me, because I so very badly want to keep on doing it.

Apparently, I am having an identity crisis that emerges in this way. But the crisis goes deeper than the blog name and image. It is about who I, Irene Sieders, am as a single unattached to anyone human being. I suppose I have a very wavering picture of myself that iss very blurry in the outlines. I don't know where I begin and where I end. Who am I, what is my territory, how strong am I? Can I be shoved around or do I shove back? Who are my role models?

Bev would say that these are analytical questions and that I shouldn't ask them. That I'm living in my head too much, but I think I don't live in my head enough and let things happen that should be called a halt to. I only live for today without a worry about yesterday or tomorrow and I must end that.

Well, enough of that right now. I wish I could go to sleep now, because I am so tired, but it is too early yet. I've got to stay up for at least another 2 hours.

Thank you for reading about all of my woes and worries.

Ciao...

9 comments:

Frances said...

Good.
Glad to hear you did tell the SPN about it all.
It seems likely that it isn't the identity changes that are grabbing you but vice versa.
It is one of those mini-obsessions that scare you because you dwell in the moment and dive in deeply to all you do. The SPN is right to tell you to try and control that impulse in you to go deeper and get crazier.
But as for going to bed. Why not? If you are tired, go to bed and rest. If you sleep, so be it. You need recuperation. Read or draw or watch the tv instead of coming back here. I am just the same with the computer, but I play games on Facebook for hours instead of doing constructive things. It is easy to escape into it and do just one more and just spend 10 more minutes....
Fuzzy round the edges is how we are - and without the meds we have to face that. No nice clear angles and straight dark lines, but quite a lot of smudging and impressionistic confusion. Don't let it get to you. You just are. You don't have to be and you don't have to draw yourself any boundaries. We all like you and we like your smudgy edges and lovely confusions and energies. Your creativity and exuberance and lovely fantasy and imagination - your classiness and interest in life and art and all things. Your friendliness and sympathy, your good advice and your cheery stories of the funny things that happen. Your openness about your struggles with life and your sharing of details and sillinesses and the important deep things. Apart from that - your darn good looks and style and panache. Never mind your cycling skills and the art of poop-collection. LOL
You are well-loved. Loveable.

Maggie May said...

Yes, Irene I have to agree with what Frances said.
Also, you don't need to delve for an identity because you already have one and we like you as you are. You are you.
Do you like crosswords Irene? Simple ones? They are great time wasters but keep you occupied.
I think it is a good idea to stay off the computer at night, when you should be sleeping. Also like the idea of keeping your blog as it is.
We are all behind you, Irene and I think you are doing very well with managing your problems.
Sleep tonight. X

aims said...

Don't get trapped into thinking that a pill can answer all your problems. They are insidious and can create even more than what you are taking them for.

You have to learn that you are stronger than any pill will ever be. You have to find you. When you do that life will be easier.

aims said...

Well - maybe not easier - but more real - not hidden behind rose coloured glasses - or pills.

And you'll have a pride in yourself that no-one can take away.

Jo Beaufoix said...

I'm so glad you can talk openly with her Irene. I hope you feel more settled soon. Like Maggie May says you are perfect as you are. You are good enough as you. Hugs.

Wisewebwoman said...

Dear Irene:
I am so glad you shared everything. Once we throw the floodlights on our lives there is an ease and comfort that is unmatched by any kind of pill.
You are beautiful, smart and intelligent and you are not alone.
None of us are certified sane, there are only degrees of it.
Having the divorce party is such a good move in telling the world who you are.
XO
WWW

The Artful Eye said...

Irene,
You'll figure it all out. I'm looking forward to more collages. Glad your SPN is on her toes. More sleep and rest. Peace.

Cheryl said...

Dear Irene,
I'm so glad you were so open with the SPN. I know that is not always easy to do, but I'm proud of you for taking the risk and putting it all out there. She sounds like she really listens and understands. Try very hard to listen to her advice, as it seems to make so much sense.

Keep in mind that you are a beautiful, caring and intelligent woman. You know your body/mind better than anyone. Do what you need to do to make sure that taking care of yourself is your number one priority. This will all work itself out...I know that.
XXXXXX

Maureen said...

I can't add much more than has already been said; Irene I am glad you are striving to find balance; too much of anything isn't good for anybody.

Take care,