The morning started off with a big downpour of rain. It fell straight out of the heavens and flooded the street. I thought it was not the most opportune time to walk the Überhund and took my time getting ready for creative therapy instead. I thought that if it was still going to rain like that at 9 AM, I would call and tell them that I would be late, but at 8 AM the rain stopped and the Überhund and I made a dash outside.
He was in quite a hurry to go and dragged me through the communal flower patch, where my boots sank into the soft mud. I was wearing my nice boots for a change too, isn't that aways the way it goes? Then it took him some time to find the proper place to go and I don't know exactly what the criteria are. There have to be bushes or grass or leaves, or a big tree. Or a hedge that he thinks he can crouch under, but not really. His rear end is always sticking out.
Anyway, it stayed dry and that was nice, because I made it to creative therapy without one drop of rain splattering on my carefully combed hair. I had time for an espresso and a cigarette while everyone drifted in and then I was ready to tackle the work of the day, which was, surprise...a collage! I have sure been bitten by that bug.
The problem with the one I was working on today, was that I made it too easy on myself and there was hardly a challenge in it, so the next one has to be more complicated and difficult to do. I need to have problems to solve and complications to undo and difficulties to overcome. This one was a piece of cake and therefor I do not appreciate it as much, although it turned out well enough. I am not impressed by it, though.
I invited 4 people to our divorce party and all 4 of them accepted the invitation with much delight, which was a worry of my mind, because I didn't know how they would react to it, but they were all very good natured about it and talked about it on and off for the rest of the morning. You don't know how people will react to the idea of a divorce party, but it was all fine. Especially after I told them that the Exfactor and I weren't going to recreate scenes of our marriage.
It stayed dry the rest of the day, but the sky was cloudy and there was a heck of a wind blowing, which was especially cumbersome on your bike going into it, because sometimes it felt like you weren't getting anywhere. And sometimes it felt like you'd be blown over.
I made it home in one piece and had a mug of coffee before I walked the Überhund, who was wagging his rear end again from happiness at seeing me. We took a short walk through the neighborhood, because of the cold wind and after that I did some household chores. I did not turn on the computer. Purposely, I did not.
Then it was time to see my SPN and I rode my bike into the wind to her office, getting there completely stormblasted with my hair in all directions. It was a different look.
I very carefully told her the story of this weekend, not leaving out a single detail, because I know no shame, and now we are going to figure out why my identity is so wrapped up with my blog and it's name and it's image. We've already brainstormed that some. It has somehting to do with my evolution as a singular human being and finding my identity as that person and getting lost in that, but we haven't got it all figured out yet.
My medication can't be changed. I am already at the maximum dose of everything, unless I really go bonkers and they have to lock me up. This was double checked by my SPN with a psychiatrist.
WE have made some agreements. Until I see her again next week, I am to stay away from the Random Word Generator and I have to keep the name of my blog the way it is now. Under no circumstances am I allowed to change it or to go look for better names and images. Since it had taken on obsessive forms, it is better that way.
I am not allowed to get up in the middle of the night and turn on the computer. I have to go back to bed with a glass of warm milk and try to sleep some more, because it is important to have a normal schedule.
I have to walk away from the computer during the day and do something else for a while, whatever it is. Laundry, dishes, walking the Überhund, reading a book...
My SPN is going to call me for the next 2 days to see how I am. This is in lieu of the medication. She actually thinks that I am dealing with the situation well, considering the real fear I had of loosing my grip on reality.
So, off I go to make it a point that I can do this, but I would have much rather have had a pill to make it better. So, I have mixed feelings. I am sad, because I can't indulge in my obsession and because there is no pill and because I have to do this alone. I am glad I made a promise that keeps me from indulging in my obsession and takes that option away from me, because I so very badly want to keep on doing it.
Apparently, I am having an identity crisis that emerges in this way. But the crisis goes deeper than the blog name and image. It is about who I, Irene Sieders, am as a single unattached to anyone human being. I suppose I have a very wavering picture of myself that iss very blurry in the outlines. I don't know where I begin and where I end. Who am I, what is my territory, how strong am I? Can I be shoved around or do I shove back? Who are my role models?
Bev would say that these are analytical questions and that I shouldn't ask them. That I'm living in my head too much, but I think I don't live in my head enough and let things happen that should be called a halt to. I only live for today without a worry about yesterday or tomorrow and I must end that.
Well, enough of that right now. I wish I could go to sleep now, because I am so tired, but it is too early yet. I've got to stay up for at least another 2 hours.
Thank you for reading about all of my woes and worries.