Saturday, November 08, 2008

With the exception.

I spent the time from midnight until about 3 PM behind the computer, with the exception of the time I spent walking the Überhund. It was too much and I had to force myself to shut it off and walk away from it. It was an abnormal amount of time to spend behind the computer and changing my imago several times turned out to be very difficult too. I had a hard time with that. My whole identity laid in that name and when I changed it and kept changing it, I kept loosing little bits of myself, until I became a bit lost, well, a lot lost. I got to the point that it scared me. So I turned the computer off.

Then I realized that I was hitting a huge low and I don't know if it was from the lack of sleep or from changing my identity, but I felt terrible and was afraid to go near the computer again. I decided to take a sleeping pill and try and get some sleep, in the hope that I would feel better after I woke up, but sometime after I took it, my sister called to tell me that she couldn't make it to our divorce party, because she had another commitment.

I explained to her that I had been up since midnight and that I was trying to sleep, but that it wasn't working, but I never know what I can expect of her, so I expect nothing. Afterwards, I cried and felt like shit and decided to call the Exfactor who had his phone turned off. Now, for some reason, when he is spending time with the Paramount he shuts his phone off so nobody can reach him, which I think is very immature. It is as if none of us are allowed to know that he is spending time with the Paramount and have conversations with him then.

So, feeling deeply distressed, I called the Paramount, who handed her phone to the Exfactor right away, who pretended not to know that his phone was not turned on. Of course, he couldn't do a thing for me, not even talk properly, so I said I would call the Crisis Phone and get help there, which I did.

I got a nice enough professional to talk to and felt somewhat better when I got off the phone. It was a better experience than it was the time before. This man listened and asked smart questions and understood right away what my fear was, that I was afraid of becoming manic, and we talked about ways to prevent that from happening.

Finally the sleeping pill started to work and I slept for about an hour or so, but it was enough. I still have that fear that my identity is lost to me and I don't know what to do about it, except to reverse things as much as possible. I think I have crossed a line into a, for me, uncomfortable area that's too far removed from my center and I feel afraid. The title of my blog is too abstract and the image is too alien to me. I am moving into uncharted waters and I am afraid to drown and I want to go back to the comfortable shore.

I could do this for somebody else, but I can't do it for me. I can't be avant garde for me. It has to do with who I am and how I perceive myself emotionally and intellectually. I suppose I can be a Vincent van Gogh, but not an Andy Warhol. I need solidness and reality, at least van Gogh's kind. That's how far I have evolved.

There, I have changed things back to The Choppy Sunflower. Which is where they should have stayed in the first place. Change for the sake of change is not always good, in my case it isn't.

This day will go down in my personal history as a day of infamy. The whole thing reeks of embarrassment to me. Of lessons learned the very hard way, never to be repeated again.



The Writer said...

Hi Irene,

There's a difference between "change for the sake of change," and evolution. This is definitely a different blog than "The Most Splendid Day" and I'm seeing an Irene who pulled herself out of the muck when she felt herself slipping. I think that is evolution and I think that maybe by exploring, you're defining the boundaries of a new "comfort zone." It's okay to explore and find the places and things you are not in the process of discovering who and what you are. It's even better when you start to recognize and see what doesn't fit. It doesn't mean that you're bad, just that you have learned something new.

Happy wandering!

The Writer...and her dog, Bear

Maggie May said...

Hi Irene...... well you make me giddy with all this change. I like stability!
Maybe stick to things that make you feel better.
Only you know what the right thing is for you.
Glad you are feeling a bit better now. You seem to know how to get yourself on an even keel again, anyway.
Take care and sleep well tonight X

Maureen said...

Take care Irene, and remember, change whatever you want whenever you want! It is YOUR place, to do with whatever you decide. Be happy... and never feel bad for exploring different things. It's your creativity showing...

Anonymous said...

Dearest Irene,
You have such a creative spirit, so change is who you are. I love how you let yourself experience the changes you feel inside, it seems to be theraputic. I'm very impressed with how you took care of yourself and dealt with the pending manic episode. I'm sure that feeling was terrifying, yet you reached out, did what you had to do to get to a more stable place. That is tough work, but you did it. Take things moment by moment because you know feelings change!
Sending love and light.

Madge said...

you are absolutely right when you say change for the sake of change isn't always good. but we all have to learn it on our own. i know i have.

Jo Beaufoix said...

I like The Choppy Sunflower best, but it's ok to swap around if the mood takes you, it keeps us on our toes.

And if you still want to do a peace globe click this link

Scroll down. Pick a globe type thing and change it to your own design, ie. add words or pics, or just pick one and write your thoughts beneath it. Link to the site, publish your post, then add your post URL to the Mr Linky on the bottom of the page at the above link.

Hope you feel better soon and I'm glad you were able to talk to someone who seemed to understand and care, Hugs. x

Diana said...

Well hello, my friend. Thanks for linking to my Blog! I had to come and see who "The Choppy Sunflower" could be. What a nice surprise.

I just read your story and know very little of the what, when or whys. I just wanted to leave this a couple of comments.

I love the name and your sunflower picture. It seems to reflect the mood of your story that sounds sad and yet hopeful.

When I see the little gate at the end (I prefer to look at it as the beginning) of your photo, I see you standing behind it, looking through it,doubtfully.

The little lane is a long and possibly lonely walk to the end of a beautiful sunflower, thriving on the warmth of the sunlight. You can pause along the path and smell the fresh scent of the flowers.

The sun rays are welcoming and patiently waiting for you to feel it too. It will embrace you warmly and promise to be back again at sunrise.

Just a sencse of what I see. Hugs and smiles, your friend, Diana

aims said...

Oh Irene - I think there is more here than meets the eye or the brain. Changing your blog name should not have affected you so much. It should have been a fun event instead of spiralling into this.

You need to talk to your SPN right away and the new psychiatrist and see what is going on underneath.

Please do that my friend.

And if you can't - then just leave things alone on here. You are playing with something that has become like fire to you and you need to put on some ovenmitts and protect yourself.

Thinking of you.

Frances said...

Sorry to hear that your playfulness got a hold of your imagination and frightened you like that.
You have been on the computer a lot just recently and it may have got out of proportion to reality.
Of course your personality can't be affected by the title of your blog, Irene. You are tired. Tiredness leads to illogical ideas and fears. You are yourself and cannot lose yourself so easily.
The name is the name of your blog - it doesn't have to reflect you, or even the content of your blog.
It is like playing hide and seek as a child, thrilling and scary to be hiding, scary to be found and scary to be hiding and scary not to be found. But all thrilling - sometimes stuff that is meant to be fun and lighthearted gets serious and is not so much fun.
You have been in dark places before. The medication and sleep will help you get things back into balance and everything will soon seem better.
Keep well and stay strong.
love and hugs from here

Frances said...

I agree with aims. We were writing and thinking the same things at the same moment.
Look after your head dear friend.

laurie said...

what a hard, hard night!

you really handled it well, irene. you called all your lifelines, one by one, until you found one that worked.
you remembered that sleep was vital. you pushed away from the computer.

you did great. you are very strong.

The Boisterous Butterfly said...

Thank you all so very much for your more than supportive comments. I have to tell you that you are a bunch of smart women who understand things quickly. I am rather dense sometimes and it helps to get feedback from the outside. Thank you all very much.

Maggie May said...

Just coming over to see how you are today, Irene.
You've had some good, sound advice in your comments.
Hope today goes better for you. X

Lane said...

Just catching up.
You got through that and you got through it good. I'm glad you knew it was time to call the crisis number and I'm glad you had a proper response from them.

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