Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Much better.

I sent my SPN an email this morning in which I came clean with my feelings about everything and I felt much better for having done that. I since received a kind reply from her and I think we are okay again and she says that we will discuss these issues more in depth in the next session. I don't get the feeling that she dislikes me for having tried to pull the wool over her and my eyes. I think she appreciates the fact that I was honest in the end.

This morning's session at ergo therapy showed me again how much I still need to go there, even though there are people there who irritate me to no end. I was able to get my current feelings across of alienation and unreality and disconnection and that I rated myself only at a low 5 when I had been at an 8 or a 9 this summer. I talked about the upcoming party and how much that probably had to do with my stress, because I worried about all the things I had to do to take care of and all I did was sit behind the computer and not accomplish anything.

It's pure escapism, not being able to deal with the reality of things and letting real life slide by like a stream of fast moving water on which the events bounce by like bits of flotsam caught in the current. I sit on the banks and let it all pass me by.

A rescue mission was organized and a planning was made to get me step by step through the next 5 days. An hourly schedule was made that shows exactly how I am going to be filling up my time with useful activities and little breaks in between. I have done some things now to get ready for Friday night and will do the rest of them spread out over Thursday and Friday. It is all fine tuned.

I feel a great deal of relief, because now it all seems manageable and doable. All I have to do is stick to the schedule and all will be well. It is amazing how sitting down and organizing yourself on paper can make such a difference. Instead of a incomprehensible mess, I now have an organized schedule.

Now it is just a question as to who is going to show up. All the people I invited will be there, but I haven't heard anything about the people whom the Exfactor invited, except for one woman who thought it was just too weird to go to a divorce party after she had just gone to a wedding and a funeral. C'est la vie! You'd think she's want to touch all bases, but alas...

Having the divorce party is no big deal in the sense that it does not bring closure to me to anything. Life will go on as usual. It's a celebration of the independent I, but I've celebrated that fact often enough already in the past months. I am not celebrating a failed marriage. I hope to celebrate a good start, but I've had that one already too. I think more than anything it is for the Exfactor to show his friends that we are still on good terms and that I am not suffering, but if they don't show up, it will have been a pointless exercise.

Regardless, I will have a good time with the people I invited and enjoy the good food that we'll have. I can already taste the Brie and the Camembert and the chicken and salmon salad. It was mostly the logistics that were causing my nerves to rattle.

The Paramount has announced to the Exfactor that she will not attend the party, because she will feel very uncomfortable. So be it. I suppose I would feel the same if I were in her shoes. Watch her do a 180 degrees turn about and show up anyway. That will be a surprise.

The Temazepam was prescribed to me to help me take care of the extreme anxiety that I felt as my marriage was falling apart and for how I had to deal with the logistics of everything afterwards. I was dependent on it for a long time. I tried to stop taking it before, but failed miserably, but this time it seems to be okay and that is probably because I still take 20 mg at night, so it is still in my system. I don't have anxiety as such now. What I do have a lot of is inertia and failure to get enthusiastic, but with the right kind of back up, I can find my enthusiasm again.

The ergo therapist is looking for an extra activity for me, because she sees I need it quickly to get my momentum going again. It is possible that I may do another creative class on Thursdays in another section of the building. She is going to discuss it with my SPN today and let me know on Monday. I hope I will be able to, as I feel I need the structure and the activity, even if it is on a short term basis. So, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Well, I have to stop writing, because the Überhund has urgent needs. He wants to go out, so out we go.

Have a good evening.



Mean Mom said...

I'm glad that you are OK with your SPN again. She sounds like a good person.

Your remarks remind me that I'm spending far too much time stuck to my computer chair, at the moment. I swore that I would never let this happen. I think I need someone to organise a schedule for me.

It would surely be better if the Paramount stayed away from the party. I hope that everything goes to plan.

Elaine said...

I think your divorce party is a great long as you're both in a good frame of mind. I agree with Mean Mom that the Paramount showing up could be really difficult for everyone concerned, and anyway, this party is for your friends, right?

I'll cross my fingers for you for Monday. x

aims said...

Gosh Irene!

I've been really busy and not blogging very much and have missed coming every day to see how you are doing.

I have one word. Yikes!

Girl - what is going on? You are all over the place.

You need to come clean clean clean to someone. Anyone!

I have less and less time these days as the show a week away and then I am gone for 5 weeks after that.

But - I'm worried about you Irene. I can see the cracks - I'm surprised your SPN doesn't.

Please dear friend. Don't shove everyone away. Open up all you can to your SPN. She is the one person you shouldn't be hiding things from. Honesty is always the best policy. Then your memory doesn't have to work as hard to remember what you have or have not said.

I'm an email away. I always have time for you. And I can answer an email when I am having my lunch or something. Remember that okay? You've got a huge ear over here and a big heart wanting to reach out and be of support.

Hugs and love - like in an email....

Frances said...

that all sounds much better.
I am so glad you faced the monster in the wardrobe and have things planned out.
I think the same - it would be more civilised if the Paramount was not there, as it is about the end of part of the past and not the complications and blame-game. that could spoil the atmosphere and make people feel very uncomfortable. It might be interesting and stimulating, but better if people just feel relaxed and have a good time.
Glad you fessed up as I know it was weighing on your conscience. And it didn't do you any harm. Good about the temazepam, but as always, we know you be cautious - you can always adjust again if needed.
Love and hugs

VioletSky said...

The Paramount should have her own party with HER friends.

I like the hourly schedule idea, I often get myself overwhelmed with what has to be done and it is made worse by the knowledge that I have spent so much time reading blogs and not accomplishing a thing.

Bev said...

I think the keeping busy with a schedule of things to do is a very good idea.

I am trying to do this. Today I went out to a coffee morning in a church and talked to the nice volunteers there. Tomorrow I start a little part time job in the back of a Scope shop. I have already been for the induction, and apparently there are quite a few people with Special Needs there, so should suit me done to the ground....

Anything to get out of the house and get busy! The times when I have been happy are the times when I have been busy and useful.

Maggie May said...

Glad you told the SPN everything, Irene. I'm sure she will help you get on track.
I still think you are doing pretty well.
The divorce party will be something to aim for & I am glad the Paramount will not be going. It wouldn't be a good idea.
Sleep well. X

The Boisterous Butterfly said...

Mean Mom, I'll gladly come over and help you organize a schedule now that I'm such a pro at it.

Yes, the Paramount should stay away and everything will go nearly according to plan.

Elaine, I knew you'd see the sense of it and I think the both of us are in a good enough frame of mind.

Aims, you're overly worried, but I appreciate your concern. You forget that I have people here who watch out for me also if I give them the chance. Thank you very much for caring, though. You look good after yourself too, you here!

Frances, my voice of reason in the wilderness, you are right on all fronts. What more can I say?

VioletSky, I was really hiding behind the computer to the point that it was ridiculous. I have to back off now. Join the human race again.

Bev, it sounds like you are doing all the right things that you need to do. Good for you. You are a smart woman.

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm happy for you that you came clean, Irene.
I also love that pic at the top, it speaks to me.
You're on top of the party, great.
I hope it goes well and that you don't have post-party blues.