I sent my SPN an email this morning in which I came clean with my feelings about everything and I felt much better for having done that. I since received a kind reply from her and I think we are okay again and she says that we will discuss these issues more in depth in the next session. I don't get the feeling that she dislikes me for having tried to pull the wool over her and my eyes. I think she appreciates the fact that I was honest in the end.
This morning's session at ergo therapy showed me again how much I still need to go there, even though there are people there who irritate me to no end. I was able to get my current feelings across of alienation and unreality and disconnection and that I rated myself only at a low 5 when I had been at an 8 or a 9 this summer. I talked about the upcoming party and how much that probably had to do with my stress, because I worried about all the things I had to do to take care of and all I did was sit behind the computer and not accomplish anything.
It's pure escapism, not being able to deal with the reality of things and letting real life slide by like a stream of fast moving water on which the events bounce by like bits of flotsam caught in the current. I sit on the banks and let it all pass me by.
A rescue mission was organized and a planning was made to get me step by step through the next 5 days. An hourly schedule was made that shows exactly how I am going to be filling up my time with useful activities and little breaks in between. I have done some things now to get ready for Friday night and will do the rest of them spread out over Thursday and Friday. It is all fine tuned.
I feel a great deal of relief, because now it all seems manageable and doable. All I have to do is stick to the schedule and all will be well. It is amazing how sitting down and organizing yourself on paper can make such a difference. Instead of a incomprehensible mess, I now have an organized schedule.
Now it is just a question as to who is going to show up. All the people I invited will be there, but I haven't heard anything about the people whom the Exfactor invited, except for one woman who thought it was just too weird to go to a divorce party after she had just gone to a wedding and a funeral. C'est la vie! You'd think she's want to touch all bases, but alas...
Having the divorce party is no big deal in the sense that it does not bring closure to me to anything. Life will go on as usual. It's a celebration of the independent I, but I've celebrated that fact often enough already in the past months. I am not celebrating a failed marriage. I hope to celebrate a good start, but I've had that one already too. I think more than anything it is for the Exfactor to show his friends that we are still on good terms and that I am not suffering, but if they don't show up, it will have been a pointless exercise.
Regardless, I will have a good time with the people I invited and enjoy the good food that we'll have. I can already taste the Brie and the Camembert and the chicken and salmon salad. It was mostly the logistics that were causing my nerves to rattle.
The Paramount has announced to the Exfactor that she will not attend the party, because she will feel very uncomfortable. So be it. I suppose I would feel the same if I were in her shoes. Watch her do a 180 degrees turn about and show up anyway. That will be a surprise.
The Temazepam was prescribed to me to help me take care of the extreme anxiety that I felt as my marriage was falling apart and for how I had to deal with the logistics of everything afterwards. I was dependent on it for a long time. I tried to stop taking it before, but failed miserably, but this time it seems to be okay and that is probably because I still take 20 mg at night, so it is still in my system. I don't have anxiety as such now. What I do have a lot of is inertia and failure to get enthusiastic, but with the right kind of back up, I can find my enthusiasm again.
The ergo therapist is looking for an extra activity for me, because she sees I need it quickly to get my momentum going again. It is possible that I may do another creative class on Thursdays in another section of the building. She is going to discuss it with my SPN today and let me know on Monday. I hope I will be able to, as I feel I need the structure and the activity, even if it is on a short term basis. So, keep your fingers crossed for me.
Well, I have to stop writing, because the Überhund has urgent needs. He wants to go out, so out we go.
Have a good evening.