Wednesday evening and all is well...

Except that the Überhund is under the impression that I am going to walk him twice in two hours time and I don't think that is part of the program. I think instead he is a bit bored and wants a snack to get his mind in another space, because we happen to have very good snacks, courtesy of the Exfactor. I have petted him for a while and he likes that, until I had to stop due to worn out symptoms and now he is laying behind my chair feeling slightly peeved.

We can't go anywhere for a while, because I am awaiting a delivery from the pharmacy. Because the pain in my ribs was getting worse since Monday, I called the doctor's office and I am getting an anti-inflammatory medication that should help me quite a bit. I have to take a pill against stomach upset along with it. I have had it in the past and never had problems with it, so it should be okay. I realized how bad things were when I was talking on the phone this morning and I kept running out of breath.

I have been very lazy today to the point that I only did the dishes and some laundry and walked the Überhund. I figure any sort of exertion now is not okay. As a result, I am completely up to date on reading all my blogs, although I admit to giving some of them a lick and a promise. You can't get equally excited about everything all the time. I try, but realize I can't keep up the pace.

I think I spend an inordinate amount of time doing things that have to do with blogging and I wish it was a money making venture. For all the effort I put into it, it should be. Sometimes, like today, it feels like a full time job. It may be advantageous for me to find a job where I spend lots of time behind a computer, but then I very much would miss my coffee and my cigarettes, so I would have to chew gum or something. Blow bubbles and have them pop on my face.

Remember when you were a kid and you wanted your bubble gum to last a very long time and it got very old and you would blow bubbles that would explode on your face and the gum would be very sticky and hard to get off and you had to peel and scrape all the little bits of gum off your cheeks and nose?

Was Bazooka gum a European thing? It was a chunk of pink bubble gum in a wrapper with a lame cartoon on it. Everybody chewed Bazooka gum.

Anyway, now I am sitting here waiting for the pharmacy to make their delivery and I think it is a very decent thing that they do. I do have to walk to the mailbox to mail a contract for the Digitenne and take the Überhund with me at the same time, but I'll have to wait.

I have been on the bathroom scales and I am not loosing any weight, so I am eating just enough food to stay exactly the same. In order to loose weight, I would have to diet and I don't see myself doing that. I have come to a point where I have accepted myself the way I am now, which is a little bit overweight, but nicely dressed and comfortable. If anybody has an issue with it, I basically don't care. If I can loose 5 kilos, then that would be great and maybe I will, but I am not going to sweat it.

I am so tired of all these obsessions people have with their body shapes and the slimness they should have in order to be socially acceptable, I am sort of boycotting the whole pressure pot. I move around as if I am a slim person and have the attitude to go with it. I have a closet full of nice clothes and take good care of myself. That ought to be enough. I refuse to fall victim to an unobtainable goal and beating myself about the head when I can't reach it.

Well, I guess I've made myself clear on that, haven't I?

I suppose it all has to do with acceptance, both of the outer you and the inner you and the two are closely entwined. My outer me is a reflection of the inner me and I guess I want to state that I require acceptance of the me that is available to me now, with all the quirks and foibles that come with me. It is clear to me that this is not always possible and that there are some people who will reject me, but I assume that there are people who I decide are worth it who equally decide that I am worth it. I just may have to look in many diverse places to find them.

Self acceptance is the first and foremost requirement, though, and who is the first to say that they have complete self acceptance? Not I, I am sure of that. If I look like I do, then that is an illusion. I bullshit my way through life a lot and have a big mouth and an attitude to go with it, but very often I have a tiny little scared heart and I can be a person who avoids confrontation.

I'm always talking about being a tough broad. That is always my intention, it is a goal I strive towards and sometimes I reach it, mostly when I'm hypomanic.

Well, enough of this philosophizing, this self analysis. Let's not forget to have fun.

The pharmacy has come and gone and delivered the drugs and I have taken the first batch. Then the Überhund and I walked to the mailbox and we took a different way home, causing him to have to stop and sniff at all sorts of new places of which I had to drag him away, because god only knew what was there in the dark.

Now I am going to put my pajamas on and have a bowl of muesli, which I always enjoy very much and it is good for me too.

Have a good evening and enjoy curling up on your sofa.

Ciao...