My sister has a master's degree in pedagogy, which involves learning a lot of psychology, so you would expect her to have a lot of psychological insight and the understanding and diplomacy that comes with it.
She invited me for coffee this afternoon and the first thing she said to me, when she saw me, was that I did not look good. She said I looked all bent over and turned into myself. I tell you, that's not a great way to be greeted and not a very diplomatic way.
I explained to her what had happened to me yesterday and how I had coped with it and she agreed with me that I had a wire loose. She said that things had not been going well with me since she had gone to Greece. Now, that is her perception. She sees me so little that she does not see me on the days that everything is fine and when I am happy and I am functioning well.
She also said that the way my eyes looked, the expression in them, would discourage people to approach me, because they would wonder what was wrong with me. I assume that at that moment my eyes looked downcast and tired and I told her so and that they usually didn't look that way and that as a rule I am easily approachable and that I have good contact with people that is generally very upbeat.
I think my sister doesn't really see me, she only sees my disorder and looks for signs and proof of it everywhere. I don't want to be in a position where I constantly have to waylay her preconceived ideas about me and I have decided to put the relationship way far away on the back burner. I am constantly being hurt and disappointed by her attitude towards me, when I am being so extremely supportive of her when she needs me. When she sees me, she sees a worst case scenario, she doesn't see all the victories. In order to protect myself from her, I have to produce a large gap between us and it doesn't matter, because our relationship was one of one way traffic going from me to her and it was draining me.
Anyway, I had known this all along, but I am writing her off as someone who can be a member of my support team, which for now only includes all of you and the Exfactor and my SPN and the people and therapist in my ergo therapy group. So, I suppose the ergo therapy group continues to be important for now. I talked to the Exfactor this afternoon and he confirmed my conclusions about my sister and reinforced my choice on what to do about her.
I know I am a little bit screwed up right now, but my common sense hasn't left me completely and there are areas in my life about which I can make good decisions. My screwed upness is selective. Right now it involves my life with the computer and my identity with my blog. I do have to separate those two. I am not my blog, even though it feels like it is such a large part of me and my lifeline to the world. Yesterday I was mad with exhaustion. The lack of sleep and the awful many hours spent behind the computer made me get lost in an unreal world. I lost touch with reality and threatened to loose my identity.
Today I am just in awe of that happening and me being that vulnerable and knowing that I have to watch out for that. I must sleep when other people sleep and I must limit my time behind the computer when I am tired. I wish I had someone to watch over me, but I don't, so I have to do it myself and not go make unproductive phone calls. I must not panic and start to loose track of the big picture by getting lost in the details. I must have the wherewithal to survive a bad day, knowing that a good night's sleep clarifies a lot of the problems.
I will have a good talk with my SPN tomorrow and explain to her exactly what happened. How scared I was of losing my identity. I'm not scared anymore now. I realize the difference between me and my blog, we are two different entities, although the line is still very fine.
All, I can say is, thank goodness for my medication, where would I be without it?