Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Early in the morning.

I just want to write a quick post while I can, since it is so early in the morning and I am just waking up with my first mug of coffee.

For those of you who have not caught on to the heavy hints that have been dropped, I suggest that you go to this interesting weblog here. Maybe you will enjoy it. I can't get it much clearer than that, since the first sheep have already crossed the dam.

I've had a wonderful sleep, after falling asleep on the sofa last night while watching the news. Yes, watching the news does that to me, to my great shame. Now I still don't know what is happening in the world. When I woke up, it was 11:30 PM and out of habit I turned on the computer and blogged for awhile until I was sufficiently tired again, so you could say that I got enough sleep.

I am lucky that the Überhund doesn't require his late night walks anymore, but just goes to sleep after I have walked him at around 7 PM. I used to think that he wouldn't make it through the night, but now I know that he has excellent bladder control and can wait a long time between walks. If he does make a fuss, it is because he wants to eat and the clearest sign of that is when he starts to eat the cat food. I am not always clear on when he is hungry or when he just wants a snack. Sometimes he wants to eat twice a day and sometimes he doesn't. He is a fickle old dog.

Well, I saw my SPN and I don't know what to say about that. I felt like I had kept all sorts of secrets from her. Like, for instance, the fact that I had stopped taking the temazepam during the day, which she said was something I should have discussed with her beforehand. So, she wasn't too happy about me doing that on my own, although she understood my wanting to do without.

Then there was the divorce party, which I had not discussed with her before and which she showed some concern about on my part and I felt that I had to ease her mind about that and tell her that it was really no big deal and that it was no stress factor for me at all and that I could handle it just fine and that I had let go of the Exfactor sufficiently enough to be able to have a party like this. While I was reassuring her of these things, I was really concerned if they were true or not, but I felt I was on the road of no return, so I had to take this attitude. I really felt I was being dishonest to her, though, and not being open about my feelings.

There was also the deal about the Random Word Generator and the images and, although technically I had kept myself to the promise, I had found a hole in the maze and figured out a way to do it anyway, which I told her honestly about. It made me feel like a bit of a fraud anyway. Like a dishonest person.

So really, I felt like during that session I was bullshitting her and it does not leave me feeling good about myself. I think I will write her an email today and tell her about that and clear the air between us. I don't like the way things are left now.

It is a wicked web we weave, when first we learn how to deceive. And who do we fool the most? Ourselves! Right...that's as obvious as anything and the most painful part.

Today is ergo therapy day. I am not looking forward to it. I already feel the irritation moving up in my body and that is not a good sign. I thought I had made it clear to myself that I would give it a good try, but now I am sitting here with a bad attitude. I have to overcome this and go in there with an open mind and not a preconceived set of ideas that I need to have confirmed.

Right. Lessons learned today. What not to do to complicate your own life.

I have to get going now. There are things to do and showers to take. Faces to put on and hair to brush. Medicines to take and a dog to walk.

Have a good day you all.



Maggie May said...

Well, you have told all now to your SPN and set the books straight, so to speak. I don't care what you say, you did seem to be managing very well shortly after your separation.
You still are, in fact.
Another, damp, dismal day by the look of it. Will not be much different where you are.
Hope you manage to find something really good to do today! X

Frances said...

I agree with Maggie May. In some cases you have to deal with things in the best way you can - maybe not the ideal way. We can't always manage the ideal way. You have to have space for the personality to squeeze through sometimes!
As you know, from what I said yesterday, I share the SPN's thoughts on the party. Why? Because you seem to be under some pressure that is not being expressed directly - and as a friend, I wondered if it might be that. Why? because we haven't heard anything about the planning, the details.... unlike you, so I wondered if you were ignoring it.
Temazepam - hmmm - I understood that you were given that as something you could adjust to need at the time when you were suffering with severe anxiety - but I may have mis-remembered. If so, no problem, if for some other reason, maybe discussing with the professionals is sensible.
Glad you came clean with her though. She can't help you if she doesn't know what your issues are and how you feel about things and what you're doing to some extent.
BUT - you are an adult and have the right to make any decision for yourself. Hugs from here
nice header and name, LOL

Babaloo said...

I'm with Frances on the party. I was under the impression that it was not going ahead, at least I hadn't read anything about it recently (might be my problem, I haven't been round every day, I admit it) and I was kinda surprised to read that you're good with it. Hm. I know for certain that I would find it a very tough thing to do. That doesn't mean that you won't be able to handle it well. Just brings up the question whether you NEED to handle it at all. Do you WANT this party?

Do you feed your dog whenever he's hungry? Ours just get food twice a day, morning and lunchtime and that's it. If they eat, they eat at that time. If they don't, we take away the food and that's it. There's also one tiny little snack bite after the afternoon walk and that's it then for the day.

Stinking Billy said...

irene, be careful what you wish for, babba, You don't need a more interesting or exciting life, with your imagination. You have riches galore. x

Mean Mom said...

I'm not ever so keen on the party idea, either. It doesn't sound like my idea of fun.

I'm glad that you've shared your secrets with your SPN. She can't really do her job properly if she doesn't know all of the facts.

Hope ergo therapy was better than you expected.

among found objects said...

I understand what you mean about flotsam passing us by. You are not the only one who feels this way. I have some other friends who have expressed this feeling to me and I have also felt it very often.
Making notes to self and organising on paper always is a big stress reducer for me as well. It is like the paper absorbs the need for me to over think and overwhelm myself with my thoughts til I dont want to face anything.