Testing the midnight waters...

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion. 

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower. 

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay. 

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that. 

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them. 

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs. 

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep. 

Ciao,

Nora

Filling my time...

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and I am apparently insistent on starting the day at this ungodly hour. There is, of course, nothing wrong with it because there are no rules about when a person is supposed to undertake such a thing. You get up out of bed and make yourself some coffee and find out that you are in a functioning mode and in a good mood. It's as simple as that. There lies no complication in it whatsoever. 

You do have to decide what you are going to do with all those empty hours that lie ahead of you. You have to creatively and usefully fill those up. I do not lack an imagination, but sometimes I do fall short of the task and don't know enough things to do. That's why it is so nice to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes because I can wile away many long moments doing those activities, passive as they are. They seem to fit my personality which is introvert and pragmatic. 

I'll be taking a shower early this morning and getting dressed before it's dawn. I do have a nice, new, long sleeved T-shirt with a pretty print on it that I'm looking forward to wearing. I will have to wear a cardigan over it because it's a bit chilly outside. It's warm enough inside because I have the heater on despite my concerns about the energy bill. I wanted to be comfortable and only knew of one way besides wearing my warm bathrobe. It's awful anyway to take a shower in a cold bathroom. Brrr...

The dog will be happy because he'll get to go for a walk early too. There's still a clear sky outside, but it's supposed to rain later today and not get much warmer. I hope it waits with raining for a while because I have to go to the tobacco shop first thing when it opens. I will probably be their first customer and an eager one too. I'm almost out of tobacco and may have to wear a nicotine patch for a while. It would be a good time to quit actually. Only I don't think that I have the courage for it right now. I have to be in the right frame of mind. That counts for a lot too. 

In another two days my daughter and her father will be back from Italy. I am very happy about that and do have enough patience for that. Two days are manageable. I know that they are having a good time and that helps a lot too. I do want their vacation to be something that they can look back on with pleasure. The fact that I miss my daughter pales in comparison. I can't be selfish and think of only me. I do want the last days that I spend with her to be of quality. I will make sure of that. 

The coffee tastes awfully good. It is from Starbuck's and my daughter brought me an enormous package of it. I wasn't sure at first if I was going to like it, but I did after the initial pot of it. I had to adjust the dose of ground coffee that I put in the filter, but got it right the second time around. Now I'm an old pro at making it. 

I hope you'll al have a really good day. I'm planning on one myself. So is the dog, I think. 

Ciao,

Nora

On the rebound...

After I wrote my last post in the middle of the night, I managed to sleep for nine hours and as a result I have felt like a new woman all day today. I needed that sleep very much as I was begining to go a little batty. I seriously started to question the workings of my mind. It was all due to the shortage of sleep, it now seems, and I feel ever so much relieved. Questioning your own mind is a terrible thing to do. I don't recommend it to anyone.

On top of everything, I just took a nap. It was delicious and I am now recuperating from it with a cup of coffee. The coffee is going down very well and is making the gears of my brain get unstuck out of the sleep position.

I'm staying in touch with my daughter through Facebook and know where she is because of it. She was last at the Trevi fountain in Rome. I'm sure she will check in again this evening. Facebook is very good for keeping track of people providing they want you to be able to. What would I do without it? Sit on pins and needles, most likely.

The dog is just happy that I'm home and not gone all the time. He sure does appreciate that. He rewards me by being very sweet and agreeable. He's such a good animal anyway. Most of the time he's a pleasure to have around. He does have his shenanigans, but that's normal. He wouldn't be your average dog if he didn't. 

I briefly had my closet door open and the cat took the opportunity and immediately climbed to the top shelf where the sweaters are. She's been sound asleep there all day. I guess she had a hunkering to hibernate. She couldn't have found a cozier spot and I would have done the same thing if I were a cat. She does trust me not to lock her up in there. 

I have to go walk the dog. It is that time of the evening again. He's sound asleep on the ground beside me, but he'll notice me get up right away. He's got a radar for that kind of thing. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Finally, in the end...

I will write a blog post if it's the last thing I do. I have tried it several times in the last few days but always got discouraged and deleted them. I felt I had nothing news worthy to say and that all my words amounted to nothing at all. I will now make an honest attempt to finish writing one and put some effort into it. I won't get discouraged after just two paragraphs. 

I'm sitting here late at night hoping that I will not have another sleepless one like I've had for the past few nights. The lack of sleep has plain worn me out and I have been unable to take naps during the day to make up for it. It's been a real bother and I have gotten wired as a result, but tonight I am at least a bit more mellow and relaxed  so that bodes well. I may just be able to go to sleep later. 

I have been keeping myself occupied during the sleepless hours with Facebook which I rejoined after a  year long sabbatical. I'm as hooked as I ever was, it is so addictive. There are some new features that make it more attractive to use and, of course, that makes matters worse. I feel that I should go to Facebook Anonymous and make a confession. "Hi, my name is Nora and I'm a Facebook addict."

It's plain ridiculous, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it again. It's just a phase I'm going through. It has to do with temporarily having to miss my daughter. I'm taking that kind of hard and I can't wait for her to come back from Italy. I'm unsettled as a result of it. I'm completely off my 'a propos.'

That's why it's so important that I sit here and write this completely normal post. I need to do something very standard so that I will feel as normal as possible. I need to tell you that I will have a glass of ice cold milk in a little while to quench my thirst and to get me ready for bed. If I don't do that, I will stay lost in the confusion.

Of course, I have nothing left to write about now. There are things I can't tell you because they concern other people and I'm not at liberty to talk about them, although they do effect me. That's my dilemma. It's tough, but that's the way it is. A lot more would become clear to you.

I hope you're all well. 

Ciao,

Nora

On the second Christmas day....

Because my daughter and her father will be going to Italy with my sister and her friend for a few days in the morning, I will have some time to myself and no need to get up early and to be dressed on time. I can be lazy and go as slow as I want. Once I finally get the show on the road, I will have to find a place for all the Christmas presents I got because I haven't had a chance to do that yet. 

The apartment is not that big and whenever new things come into it, a place has to be found for them and some rearranging has to be done. I got a lot of personal care products, so I need to empty a shelf in the bathroom to put them on. I always have to try to get things down to the very basics and not waste any space. Choices need to be made about what is obsolete and can be thrown out. And it can never be regretfully so. 

I got four new books and those need a place on the bookcase. Needless to say, they have a high priority to get read and I will do my utmost best to do that as soon as possible because they were all chosen with care. I will have to make it a point to sit down and read for a while every day in my armchair and do nothing else. It will be good training for my mind and my attention span. It will prevent my thoughts from drifting and that's something that definitely needs to happen. 

I got some anklet socks that are very soft and infused with some kind of lotion and I'm supposed to put them on after I have given myself a proper wellness treatment with all my personal care products, which I will do today. I've also gotten a nice set of lounge wear which I will wear tonight. I will treat myself nicely today and make it as special as I can. It will be my day off as far as that is possible with the dog. It's too bad that he needs to get walked or I would wear the lounge wear all day long.

Yesterday we went to Aachen, in Germany, and walked around downtown and visited Charlemagne's beautiful cathedral. The weather wasn't all that great, it was drizzling and cold, and we found a safe haven in a cozy cafe where we had something hot to drink. There was no sitting out on a heated terrace. Apparently the Germans don't do that kind of thing. I had a cappuccino with whipped cream and felt very decadent. That's not on the menu in the Netherlands. 

I should go back to bed now but I find myself wide awake. That is a bit of a problem. I doubt that I'd fall asleep now. I seem to be in the wrong time zone again. I'll have to find some way to keep myself busy until I get tired enough to go to bed. I will go find a place for all the Christmas presents.

Have a good day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Exhausted!!!

I'm so tired as I'm sitting here in the middle of the night. I got up early this morning and have had a long day and I haven't slept yet. It was late when I got home tonight and I needed some time to unwind before I could go to sleep, but I really think I'm properly unwound now and just about ready to go to bed. 

I'm punch drunk with sleep and feeling kind of pleasant as a result and I'm taking advantage of this alternative mood to try and write a post to see what I'll come up with. It's like being on drugs and trying to act normal. I think I may be able to get away with it but I'm not sure. I don't know if I'll make sense. I'm having a cup of coffee to get me a little bit back to more normal. 

After I had found a good outfit to wear this morning and had taken care of the fog and the cat, I rode my bike to my sister's house to see my daughter and her father. They were in the process of getting showered and dressed, but my daughter and sister and I did take the opportunity to look through the large collection of cosmetics that my sister's friend had brought back from the company in Milan. There were lipsticks and mascaras and eyeliners and eyeshadows and blushers and foundations.

We took our time looking through everything and picked out the best colors that matched us and were much content. We all felt like we had been kids turned out in the toyshop where we had got to pick the best toys for free. It is nice to have good connections. 

After everybody had had their expressos and cappuccinos, my daughter and her father and I rode bikes into town to do Christams shopping and taste the general festive atmosphere. It was busy, but not overly crowded and we were successful in our mission and found what we were looking for. We had lunch on a restaurant terrace that was heated and where each chair also had a blanket for warmth. My daughter and her father had typical Dutch specialties that they had been looking forward to eating. 

On the way back, we stopped by my apartment to let out the dog and for me to take my medications. The dog was very happy to see us and to go out back and do a piddle. The cat was also very curious about the company and hung around to see what was happening. I hated to leave them behind again, but at least I knew they were alright and that they were taken care of. 

When we got to my sister's house, presents had to be wrapped. I had already put my presents under the Christmas tree and the collection kept growing making it look quite exciting. I did notice that a lot of the presents had my name on it and I grew very curious. 

Earlier in the day, my sister has given me a very nice handbag because I had mentioned to her that I was going to buy a new one for myself that day. That was to prevent me from getting one. It's a knock off of a designer bag and it looks great and has lots of room in it for everything I carry with me. I felt proud as a peacock for carrying it. I am that kind of woman. But it's not a copy of your regular designer bag. I wouldn't be caught dead with one of those.

My sister prepared all sorts of foods that we slowly started eating over the course of the evening. Even I had some of it. She made too much and everybody was stuffed.

We took our time opening the presents one by one and I have to say that I made out like a bandit. I got very spoiled and got very nice things. I was almost embarrassed by how thoughtful people had been. But everybody was happy with their presents and we all did well. There were no sad faces. The process did last so long that we were all exhausted at the end of it. 

I had some trouble taking all my loot home on my bike but managed it in the end by careful arranging. I did make it home in one piece. 

I've gotten a bit of a second wind now from that cup of coffee and will stay up a while longer. I'll sleep late in the morning. I told everyone not to expect me too early. You don't have to sit on top of each other all the time. Some time alone is good too. 

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you get as spoiled as I did. 

Ciao,

Nora

Good intentions...

I went to bed on time with the intention to get a good night's sleep, but the dog had other ideas. He had felt neglected because I had been away from home for a long time today and he wanted some attention and company. He didn't want me to go to sleep and kept me awake. There was no other solution but to get up again. 

I cuddled him extensively and petted him until he was satisfied and started chewing on a rawhide bone. Now he's asleep in the armchair and I'm sitting here temporarily wide awake. Both he and the cat were waiting behind the front door when I came home this evening and Tyke acted like I'd been gone on a long journey. His happiness to see me knew no bounds. If he could have jumped in my arms, he would have done so. 

I had been at my sister's house where my daughter and her father will be staying because she has the spare room for guests. Her house is bigger than my apartment. We can all move around a little easier there in a larger group because her children are there also and there would be no room for everybody here. 

It was a great thing to see my daughter and it was the most natural and comfortable thing in the world. I felt no awkwardness whatsoever. The first thing she said to me was, "Mom, you're so little!" I had to laugh at that, because I guess I am now compared to when she saw me last. I have shrunk quite a bit and am just a shadow of the person I was for a few unfortunate years. 

She looked fantastic and quite like the successful career woman she's become. She's got her head on straight. She's a smart cookie and knows what she's doing and I'm very proud of what she's achieved in life and aims to achieve still. It's great to watch a success story take place. 

Tomorrow we're going to be celebrating Christmas and exchange presents in the evening while we eat our way through a lot of food that my sister will have prepared. I will nibble. In the afternoon we will go downtown to do some final shopping and to have cappuccinos in a sidewalk cafe where there will be heaters under the awnings. It should be quite busy in town with everyone doing their final bit of shopping. The stores will be closing early at 5 pm causing a stampede most likely.

I've got to think of another good outfit to wear tomorrow, but I'm sure something good will pop out of the closet. 

I've got to go to bed now and set the alarm clock so I'll get up at a decent time in the morning. I can't dawdle long over a cup of coffee. I will have to get the show on the road in a somewhat speedy manner. I've got a nice day to look forward to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Gently making it through the night...

I'm too excited to sleep, of course, because today is the day that my daughter and her father arrive. That is a big occasion and one I have been looking forward to. I've spent the last few days doing chores and wrapping the last presents for Christmas and generally preparing myself mentally for the big day. 

This morning I have to get myself in spiffy condition and make sure I look my best because first impressions count and I want to make a good first impression. I've picked out my outfit and have to redo my nails and make sure my hair looks good. Then I've got to face the day with a cheerful face that's well made up. Not too much make up so as to not look artificial. 

My daughter posted photos of herself and her father on the airplane on Facebook. Her father had upgraded their flight to first class so they're traveling in style and comfort. As far as I'm concerned, that's the only way to travel intercontinental. It's ever so much better than being crammed like a sardine into economy class on such a long flight. I always like it when exonomy class is overbooked and I get upgraded to business class. I think that's a real luxury. 

In the meantime, I'm sitting here drinking a glass of cold milk and I've just taken my morning dose of medicines. I'm really taking my time writing this because my thoughts keep drifting off to other subjects. I'm doing an awful lot of daydreaming. It's amazing how one thought will trigger a whole series of memories to come to the surface. Before I know it, I'm all caught up in them. That's a bad habit. I mustn't live in the past. 

I think I will go take a shower and slowly get the show on the road. There's lots of time to do all the things I want to do. I may even get some sleep later on. The sun's not up yet so the day hasn't officially started yet.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

From the broad point of view...

Totally not discombobulated, I sit here early in the morning with my second cup of coffee feeling pretty pleased with myself. I have no specific reason to other than that it's morning and that the day is about to start and that I'm more than ready for it. Call them the little pleasures of life that thrill me. This morning they do. The coffee tastes especially nice and I've slept well. I can almost pretend that my life is always this simple and straight forward. And why not? 

It's the run up to Christmastime and the day that my daughter will be here. The countdown has begun and I'm almost done with my preparations. A present that I had ordered on line arrived here yesterday and I have only one more thing to get. I have enough wrapping paper left and more than enough cellotape. I have some chores to do in the next two days and those will keep me busy and have the apartment look good. It will be a pleasure to get them done. There will be a real purpose behind my actions. 

The Exfactor will be here this morning and we will make a grocery list together. I don't want to overburden him with things to get, but we must count on the holiday season and the times that the supermarket will be closed. Christmas is a two day holiday here. It will also be good to see his face and to have a cup of coffee and to generally have a chat. I feel like it's been ages since I've done that, although in reality it hasn't. It's just been a while since I've seen a living human being. I'm starved for company. 

It will be good to get the show on the road, although it is a little early to do that now. I can't run the washing machine yet because it would wake up the neighbors, so whatever chore I do, it will have to be a silent one. I think changing the bed would be a good one. I won't get dressed yet, but rummage around in my bathrobe first. It's good to be up early and to feel that you have lots of time to do all the things that you need to do. There's no rush and you're not under any kind of pressure. 

Have a good day all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Dream a little dream of me...

I'm sitting here in my bathrobe with cold hands and cold ankles. I only have myself to blame because I haven't turned up the heater. I want to be stoic and pretend I don't need to because I will go back to bed again shortly. Besides, it really isn't that cold in here and the rest of me is warm enough. It's only the exposed bits that are chilled. I did just started drinking cold milk so the inside of me will be chilled too soon.

I didn't have an internet connection when I first got up, but I had been warned by my provider that I might not have because they were going to be working on the network during the night. After waiting patiently for some time and reconnecting the modem a few times, I had my connection back and could do all the fun things I'm used to doing when I get up during the night. I do have to perform my rituals before I can go back to sleep. 

Yesterday I received a Christmas care package that I'm sure my personal helper arranged for me. It was rather a large box and in it were all sorts of good foods that are perfect for this holiday season. It will keep me from having to buy some things that I had on my shopping list. There was even a bottle of wine in it and a package of coffee. It was a complete surprise as I had not expected one this year. 

Yesterday was sort of an odd day. I felt out of sorts and couldn't concentrate on anything. I was aware of the fact that things needed to get done, but I felt unable to do them. I decided in the end that the day was going to be a waste and not to worry about it and that I would catch up later when I felt better. I didn't get back to normal until the evening when I finally landed back to earth and felt connected again. By that time I had to go to bed, but at least I went to sleep in a good state of mind. 

Of course now, during the night, I'm very capable of rational thought and I can think about the day ahead with much clarity and it all seems very simple. I hope I still feel that way when I get up again in a few hours. I always have much courage during the night, but it seems to leave me during the daytime hours.

I will go back to bed now and get under the warm duvet. Outside it is very cold and it feels like -11C. At least it isn't snowing. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A hill of beans...

I'm up enjoying my cups of coffee and not worrying about what time I have to get up in the morning because absolutely nobody is going to be here during the day. No personal helper and no domestic help. This is partly due to circumstances and partly due to the holidays. I'm not complaining because I don't mind having a day off. I'm sure I'll get through it just fine. There's always something to do. 

I'll make it up as I go along. I'm sure I'll manage to keep myself out of the worst trouble. What's a middle aged woman to do anyway when she's home all by herself? There aren't an awful lot of things that can go wrong. At the most I may indulge in a lot of television watching. I'll certainly watch a lot of news and be very well informed. I'll have my finger on the pulse. Ha!

I know I'll have to do whatever I can not to be bored and I'll have to spend a lot of time meditating to fill in the empty moments so I won't go mad. There will be lots of contemplating my navel in quiet solitude. That's one way to get through the day. Luckily, I'm good at that and I don't easily tire of that exercise. I do enjoy the peaceful feeling it affords me. It's good if you can tolerate your own company and don't feel like fleeing into the arms of the first available person. 

I'm drinking ice cold milk and I'm starting to yawn. Soon it will be time to go back to bed. I hope I sleep for a long time in the morning without too many intricate dreams. The best is dreamless sleeping. That way you wake up untroubled. 

I feel perfectly at ease now and ready for whatever lies ahead. I don't dread the coming day. I will face it like I've faced many others like it. Keeping myself safe and sound is the main objective. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting down to earth again...

Even though it is the middle of the night and it is the time when I feel most joyful, that doesn't mean that I have to get overly excited now and lose track of my sense of decorum. I'm quite capable of keeping myself in hand and not making a complete fool of myself by declaring all sorts of nonsense. 

I do have to hit the brakes because sometimes I get too much in a hallelujah mood when I'm up this late and have had a cup of coffee or two. My enthusiasm knows no bounds and I run to the top of the mountain before I remember that I have fear of heights and get dizzy and know no way down. 

I must be as sensible as I can manage to be and still be lively and not sit here as a solid and silent rock in a winter's meadow on a boring Sunday. I have to be engaging without being silly, although you may think that me being silly may be a lot of fun. That's only if I'm silly on purpose and not when I accidentally end up looking ridiculous. 

Since yesterday was Saturday, it is hardly a day worth speaking of. It was just another ordinary Saturday like any other. I spend it doing nothing important whatsoever, except that I watched my share of cultural television programs in the morning while I woke up with my obligatory cups of coffee. It does feel good to feed the intellect and my curiosity.  I did miss half of the programs yesterday because I got up too late, but I'll get a chance again this morning when there will be more on. 

There's usually some documentary with an exposure to challenging art which gets my dander up at first, but which I change my mind about as I watch it, although I don't completely change my outlook on it. I am somewhat more enlightened after I've watched it and more appreciative. It's supposed to be a challenge to your mind, after all. I suppose you see the necessity of the art in the time it was made even though you don't have to like it. It's enough that you understand the intention behind it. 

I wrapped Chrstmas presents and didn't run out of paper, which is good because I've got one more present to wrap which hasn't gotten here yet. With a little bit of luck it will be here on Wednesday. The dog tried to help me wrap them and was very disappointed when he was not allowed to be part of the proceedings. The cat was asleep on the bed, so I timed my actions well. I got no cat hair on the sello tape. 

Wrapping the presents did get me into the proper mood and now I can hardly wait for Christmas. The real exciting thing of course is that my daughter will be here and that is what I'm really looking forward to. I'm slowly allowing all of my maternal feelings to come to the surface where they have been buried so long. It almost hurts to let them out. It's a real process.

It's going to be a bit colder for the next couple of days and I'll have to pick my outfit with care in the morning. It will be a question again of being warm enough and looking good. That's really not too difficult if I put my mind to it. In the evening there will be a mixture of snow and rain and I'm really not in the mood for that. I have very little to say about the weather, however. It happens whether I want it to or not. There's nothing as fickle as the Dutch weather.

Today will be another non eventful day as Sundays go. The weekends are often not very exciting. They are turning out to be the dullest parts of the week. Luckily, there are interesting programs to watch on televsion. There will be lots of sports to watch and I enjoy them. Thank goodness I have the animals to entertain me. We pass many happy moments together. The dog alone is enough of an amusement factor. 

I have to go back to bed to finish sleeping. The duvet is turning out to be so good that it's almost too warm to sleep under. 

Ciao,

Nora

Perfumes...

Because I'm in the mood for some very good smells, I thought I would intersperse this post with photos of some well known perfumes. I picked them randomly of the web. If the photo was good and showed the name well, I downloaded it, especially if it was of a perfume that I was familiar with and that I might like to have.

It's the same thing as wishful thinking, or making a list for Santa Claus. If I make it very clear, I may get what I wish for and live happily ever after. That's how much I'd like a bottle of perfume. I actually would like several bottles because a woman can never have too many in my humble opinion.

Of course, when anybody asks me what I want for Christmas, I ask for a bottle of perfume. I just hope that a lot of people are going to as me what I want. For the sake of decency, I do have to also ask for some smaller presents for those with a smaller budget. I can't be only greedy. I'm certainly not handing out expensive presents myself. The budget can not bear it. I have to buy eight presents and I'm doing it on a shoestring.

Christmas is sneaking up on me and, except for buying presents, I'm not nearly ready for it. I'm just now getting in the proper mood. It only happened in the past day or so that I got bit by the season's bug. I'm now more than ready to throw my heart and soul into it, however.

Especially since I know that my sister has her tree up and decorated because we will be celebrating Christmas at her place and that's where we will be exchanging the presents. I have high expectations of it knowing my daughter and her father will be there.

We will be a proper group of jolly people and really get into the spirit of things.

I was already on my way to bed tonight, but then realized that I was infused by the siprit of the season too much to go to sleep. I think I have to do some decorating around here to make the place look a little bit fastive. I have to dig into my closet and see what decorations I can come up with. I may even have to go out and buy a little tree. It may yet come to that.

Doesn't seeing all these perfumes make you greedy for them? I'm most definitely a luxury beast. When I see decadent and expensive things, I want them all. I should have had a very wealthy husband who would have indulged in me.

I'm so ready to stop being poor that even my fantasies feed me. Just thinking about really nice things makes me feel like I almost own them and am on the verge of buying them. Actual ownership is only a small distance away. I'm only one step away from the rainbow and my pot of gold. In the meantime I act like the woman I'm supposed to be.

I'm just temporarily inconvenienced. It's not a permanent condition.

It's late at night now and I haven't slept yet. I'm not quite in the mood to go to bed. There's enough time to go to sleep. Right now I want to live in anticipation of the days to come. In my head I'm making lists of things I have left to do. I should write them down. That might be more convenient.

At least I don't have to cook Christmas dinner, nor am I capable of eating it. Whatever my sister makes will mostly be wasted on me. That's the drawback of having a gastric band. You can't sit down and really indulge. Just a few bites will be enough for me. It's a shame really, but I've gotten used to it by now. You just shouldn't get excited about food very much. That's not going to be the highlight of your day.

It's with some anticipation that I look forward to the morning because it will be Friday and the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. He can buy wrapping paper for me too so I can start wrapping the first presents. and put those away. I will be more than exited about that. I do like wrapping presents as neat as possible providing the dog and the cat don't try to help me. The cat especially tries to lie down on the paper when I try to cut it.

I also don't enjoy getting animal hair on the sellotape. That does look funny when you give someone their present.

It's raining gently outside, but there is no wind to speak of. At least it isn't storming which is quite an improvement over how it has been. The harsh wind has been so cold and has made it so unpleasant to have to go outside. It will be nice when this low pressure system has passed us. I'm more than ready for some blue skies and sunshine.

I've run out of perfumes and I'm ready to end this post. I could go on endlessly, but I think I've made my point and I've indulged myself enough. For a while I pretended that I could have all those perfumes. It was fun while it lasted and I hope it caused enough diversion. Next I'll talk about really great clothes. 

Ciao,

Nora

Massive cheer up time...

I was good this afternoon and took care of all the paperwork that I had left lying around for some time now. I also visited my bank account to see if I was still solvent and paid some bills. I got the end of year bill from the energy company and am actually getting some money back. Phew, that was a relief. I thanked the Higher Being for that big favor. 

When I was all done with the paperwork, the damage was actually very small and I could put a lot of things in the recycle box. The rest was noted and taken care of and filed. I felt very virtuous for having done it in such a relative short amount of time with such little pain. I had not been a job that I was looking forward to, but it always is much less bad than I think it is going to be. 

Now I won't have to put anything off for a while anymore and I can take care of things as they come in. The fun part about emptying the mailbox right now is the fact that there are Christmas cards in it and not just official mail. That does make it a lot nicer and reminds me that I have to send some myself. The season is sneaking up on me before I'm quite ready. I still have to buy stamps. 

My daughter and her father are going to be here in another nine days and will spend Christmas and New Year's here. I haven't seen her in four years and I'm looking forward to it very much. It's very difficult not to see your own daughter for such a long time. You have to close up a lot of feelings inside your heart. I can let them out for a while shortly. 

I just took the dog for a walk in the cold, windy evening air. It was not a great pleasure to be out there, but we survived it anyway. I think the dog minded it less than I did. I should have worn a hat because my head was very cold, but then I thought about 'hat hair.' That's so unbecoming that I decided to be cold instead. I am a vain enough woman not to want to look ridiculous. Even if it is dark outside and nobody will see me and no one will see me when I get home. 

I haven't watched the news tonight. It seems that the stories on the news are all very negative and cause nothing but worry and fear. They tell you everything that's wrong and no way to get out of it. You start to feel so hopeless and helpless. Maybe they are over realistic and maybe they paint the wrong picture. I don't know who or what influences the stories that get told on the news.

I must eat some dinner, my body needs to get fed. The Exfactor brought me some rice pudding and I think I'll have that. 

Have a great evening, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

In between...

I'm burping from the cups of coffee I've had so far and I may as well start burping from the cold milk that I'm about to have. If I'm going to burp, I may as well do it for the right reason. I'm very thirsty and want to drink a whole liter of it, but I don't have that much milk left. Thank goodness that the Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. He will be welcomed with open arms and a shopping list. Well, first I'll give him a cup of coffee for courage and strength. 

The cat and the dog need to have their flea drops applied today. It's been a month since I applied them first. The Exfactor can help me with the cat, although she was very docile when we did it before. The flea drops helped very well the last time I used them and the animals have been free of fleas ever since. I do want to keep it that way. I got the flea drops from the vet and they were cheaper than what I would have paid at the pet shop. Maybe a tip for other pet owners.

I've got to think about what I'm going to wear today. I want to look good, but be warm enough at the same time. I do want to wear a double layer of clothes. I get cold so easily that it's necessary. It's not like when I was in the menopause and I was always overheated. I also have to redo my nails and I'm sorry to say that I split two of them despite the calcium tablets I take. I guess nothing works perfectly no matter how much you'd like it to. 

At least my hair is in good enough shape. It too has gotten drier like my skin and I don't have to wash it nearly as often. This does save me a little bit of work. I need to have the back of it trimmed and will have to make an appointment. It will take all of five minues to get it done. Hardly worth making an appointment for.

I'll go back to bed now. A sensible person gets her sleep. 

Ciao,

Nora

Revenge of the awful dog...

I've tried to get a good night's sleep for a couple of hours now, but every hour or so the dog woke me up with some excuse or another. I tried to ignore him, but I finally gave up and got up because I could not stay asleep any longer. I will try again later when he has settled down. 

I'm sitting here yawning, but this cup of coffee I'm having should help that.The dog is asleep by my feet. Hopefully now he will be sweet and docile. The cat is sitting on the kitchen counter eating her kibbles. To her it doesn't matter if it's day or night. She does what she pleases when it pleases her and bothers no one. She's easy. 

I must say that I'm glad the weekend is over, although it did go by quickly so it wasn't a long ordeal to get through. Nothing worth mentioning happened. It was just an ordinary weekend like so many others. The most pleasant thing I did was take naps in the afternoon which got me over the tough time of the day when I never know what to do with myself.

Now that I don't read anymore, my books stand forlorn on the bookcase and I no longer get lost for several hours at the time in literature. I often think I will never read another novel again because I absolutely have no interest in them. It's like I don't want to get lost in them and be cut of from reality. I feel that I constantly have to be in touch with the here and now. 

I do like to watch sports on television. I feel that's very actual and real. I hardly feel like I'm escaping. I also like to watch cultural programming, but again, I feel like I've got at least one foot in reality and I'm not lost in a dream because the programs are very objective. It would be different if they were lyrical journeys. I like very factual things, although that's very different from how I used to be. I used to watch television to escape and now I watch it to face reality. 

That must be why I like news programs so much and political talk shows. I do squirm when politicians are interviewed in depth. So few of them are willing to come right out and give a straight answer. They don't like to be pinned down. I dislike evasive answers and the politicians who give them. I do like good interviewers who don't back off. 

I suppose I'm wide awake now and I will have to drink milk to get sleepy again. At least the dog has settled down. I will have to go find my bed and get under the duvet and sleep a few hours before the personal helper gets here. 

I hope you will have all had a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

My second cup of coffee...

I will not drink my second cup of coffee with the same eagerness that I drank my first cup of coffee. It is too bitter for that. As a  mater of fact, I can't wait to have my first tall glass of cold milk. But I will finish the coffee first. I'm committed to it. 

I obviously didn't eyeball the ground coffee correctly when I scooped it into the filter. I still don't have it down to a science. It's still a hit and run business with the result that sometimes I have awfully weak coffee, but more often a very bitter one. The mouth puckering kind that wakes you up instantly. 

I don't mind being wide awake in the middle of the night because I know I will go to sleep again eventually. I just can't finish what's in the pot that I so enthusiastically made. I have to stop drinking it before I get too wired. That's why drinking the milk is good. It will put me in a stupor again. 

Speaking of stupors reminds me of the fact that I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a couple of months. I actually had forgotten about him and don't think about going to have a talk with him about anything. I suppose I don't feel the need to and that can only be good. He renews my medications once a month, but I'm not in direct contact with him about them. I suppose he thinks that no news is good news. And it is. 

I'm not so helpless that I wouldn't know how to find him if there was a need. I have good contact with my new therapist and I know she keeps him up to date. Nothing really earth shattering is happening in my life. I can deal with the few problems I run into with a little bit of help. I solve a lot on my own. I have learned a lot. As long as my life stays as simple as it is now, I can handle it. 

I've gotten sleepy from drinking the milk and I'm going back to bed to finish my night's rest. I've already started to yawn. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

I wasn't quite ready for it yet...

I went to bed late in the evening after watching a thriller thinking I was ready to go to sleep, but when I was lying there, sleep didn't come no matter how hard I tried, so I got up again and made myself some coffee. I did what I usually do in the middle of the night only now I did it a little bit earlier. The fact that I didn't sleep yet doesn't bother me. I will stay up for a while and amuse myself until I'm ready to call it quits for the night and go to bed again. Sooner or later I will get the sleep I need. I've got no place to go in the morning and I can sleep late providing the dog will let me. 

The coffee tastes very good and is turning me into my usual cheerful self. I'm lucky that caffeine does have that effect on me and that I can count on it. It provides me with many happy moments. You could say that it's the drug of my choice. It and nicotine are the crutches that I stand on. I do want to quit the nicotine soon though. It's a bad habit that I can ill afford. I think about quiting quite often and try to determine when would be a good moment. I want to succeed and am trying to figure out how to best achieve that. It's a resolution for the very near future. I'm coming around to it. I've even thought of accupuncture and reading that book by Allen Carr that helps you quit. 

I'm sitting here very cozily in my bathrobe and the heater isn't even on. Outside it has stopped storming and all is quiet for a change. I hope this is the end of the foul weather. It did really hit us today. Luckily, there was no snow, just hail and lots of rain.  I'm more than comfortable now though, and oh, so warm. I should always be dressed in my bathrobe because I would never be cold. 

I think the thriller that was on tonight was called 'Trial and Retribution.' It was very good and kept me up and mesmerized. I liked the people who had the lead roles as they weren't the usual glamour types. They were unknown to me, but that doesn't mean much. I'm not up on all British actors. They were very believable and the plot was good. It was the usual well done British thriller. The BBC does have the budget to turn out good ones as opposed to Dutch program makers who don't. It does make a difference. 

I'm drinking cold milk now in preparation to getting ready to go to bed. It's waking up the orchestra that's in my stomach and producing quite some sounds. It's a good thing that I'm sitting here all by myself. It would be embarrassing to do this in company. It will settle down soon enough after I have had the last little bit and it has passed my gastric band. It always protests loudly before it does. Milk must be enough like a solid food to behave this way. 

I've told you all I have to say for now. I suppose it's time for me to go back to bed. I'm not really sleepy, but I'll try anyway. I can't think of another thing to do. The dog and the cat are sound asleep. I'll take the lead from them. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

. 

Getting my two cents worth in...

I feel a great sense of liberation and I don't know eaxactly why that is. I've had the feeling since yesterday evening when I had a sense of lightness fall over me and suddenly everything became very uncomplicated. It's just a shift of mood inside myself and doesn't have much to do with reality because nothing has shifted there. There's not suddenly been a change in my circumstances and nothing has been altered. It's my own attitude that's changed. 

I do welcome this and will not complain about it. I'd be a fool to. I very much enjoy this lighthearted, uncomplicated feeling. My heart really does feel light and fluttery. As if there are butterflies caught in it. And there is freedom in my mind. I'm not bogged down by negative thoughts and dark notions. The sun may not be shining outside, but it's bright inside my head, even now in the darkness of the night. I must have done something especially right and the planets must be ligned up correctly.. I can't explain it any other way. 

It may have something to do with the size 10 skinny jeans that I ordered and that arrived yesterday and that fit me perfectly. My other skinny jeans had gotten too big on me and were sliding down my hips and were too big around my butt. I took the chance and assumed that size 10 would be the size that would fit me next and I was right. They fit like a glove and I'm much pleased. 

On top of that, my sister had a cardigan that she bought that was just a bit too big on her, but that fit me well and that matches my jeans really well also, so I've got a totally new outfit. I like nothing better than new clothes, especially unexpected ones, so I was a happy camper. The cardigan is dark blue which is a color I don't often buy, but which matches me well and makes my blue eyes look bluer. What more could I want?

I redid my nails after three of them had gotten chipped again and I figured they were so vulnerable because I applied two layers. So when I reapplied the nail polish, I only put on one layer and assume it will stay on better. It will be easier to fix anyway if they do get chipped. It doesn't nearly take as much work to apply and dries quickly. 

I also think my nails are getting stronger and that may be because of the calcium tablets I've been taking every day. It would be wonderful if they worked and kept my nials from splitting. I do have to get a decent nail file as that is something I don't have in my possession. That shows you my shortcomings in the femininity department. I never before saw the sense of one because I always cut my nails short. Now, of course, I want longer nails to show off the polish.

Silver hairs are starting to show up all over my head and sparkle at me when I stand in the bathroom in front of the mirror. They twinkle at me like bright little stars. I don't mind one bit because it makes my blond hair look lighter. I'm not vain enough to want to cover them up with hair color. Maybe if I were a brunette I would care more. I'm sure it's more of a shock to your system then. I do apply make up to my very light eyebrows and eyelashes. That gives my face just a little more expression. 

Lest you think I'm totally self centered, I have to tell you that I possibly am. I think the world does revolve around me. At least on this blog I do. It's not like that in real life, of course. I do play second fiddle on most occasions. I'm not anybody of real importance and really don't count in the larger scheme of things. That's why it's so nice to be the center of attention here. I can't tell you all the times when I'm not. 

Today is going to be a very relaxed day. Outside it's going to storm and be a wet and cold day. I'm not planning on going anywhere except to walk the dog. I'll be inside most of the day where it will be warm. 

And now I'm going back to bed to finish sleeping, hopefully until late in the morning. 

Have a nice day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

How to spend the night...

The one thing you do is to not spend all of it sleeping. That's a complete waste of time. You may think that sleeping is a useful activity, but I tend to disagree with that if it's in the middle of the night. I can't think of a better way to spend that time than to spend it being awake and up and about. That. of course, is just my own personal vision and you may disagree. 

Maybe you get a good night's sleep and you have no complicated dreams and you feel very refreshed in the morning when you wake up. That's not my own experience and I'm always glad that I wake up after I've been asleep for a few hours so that I can get up and spend some time behind the computer with a few cups of coffee and my cigarettes. It's when I'm most alert and in charge of all of my faculties. 

But I tell you no new stories when I tell you that. It's a well known fact by now that this is what I do. I also can't force myself to write the kind of drivel that I write here during the night in the daytime. I'm not in the proper frame of mind then.  During the day, I would be too embarrassed to write some of the things down that I write here during the night. I think I bare my soul better at night or after I just wake up from a nap.. 

That maybe sounds contradictory, but for me is not to reason why. I'll accept both my statements as given facts. I'd hate to have to explain everything I state here. If I'm unclear than that's just so. It can't be helped. 

Last night I was in a terribly grumpy mood that only disappeared slowly. I didn't analyze it too much, but in the back of my mind I had some clues as to the origins of it. I ended up eating some dinner and watching some TV before I went to bed and found my solace under the warm duvet. 

I think you subconsciously run into frustrations all the time in your contacts with the people you care about and sometimes it's better to take a little breather from everybody and spend some time on your own.

Quality time with yourself and other people is still what it all revolves around. It's not about quantity. A little bit goes a long way. You've got to appreciate the little bits and not repeat them too often. Repetition leads to irritation and takes away from the specialness of the occasion. You fall into a rut.

I'm afraid I'm preaching. I do have a tendency to do that sometimes. It's when I'm trying to convince myself most. 

It's time to go back to bed. I've been philosophical enough, although I've really put the brakes on my thoughts. I've censored myself quite a bit. 

Sleep tight everyone. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sleep may be overrated.

I ought to be going back to bed now, but I'll attempt to write a post. I'll see if I have it in me. I've stopped drinking coffee some time ago, so I may not be alert enough for it. I may not quite have the thinking capacities to pull it off. I'll start on this post and see where it leads me. I may have to delete it somewhere down the line, but you will not be any wiser for it. 

I've sat here for quite a long time already. The nighttime hours have been slowly ticking away and it is almost morning. Well, optimistically speaking it is. If it were summertime, it would be getting light soon. Unfortunately it is not, so I can let that whole idea fly out the window. It is almost time to take my medicines and I'm drinking my second glass of ice cold milk. It isn't making me burp too bad for a change. Miracles never cease. 

When I get up again in the morning, I'm very leisurely going to drink a cup of coffee before I walk the dog. He can do his first piddle out back. Then all I have to do is hang up a load of clean laundry and that is a fun chore. But first I plan to sleep late or as long as the dog will let me. He usually isn´t too impatient in the morning and knows I need a little bit of time. We´ve become adjusted to each other´s schedules. 

It´s with some amount of satisfaction that I look forward to the day because it will be very laid back. I will see my sister this afternoon, but for the most part my time will be filled with leisurely activities. Getiing dressed well and applying my make up properly will be some of them. I´m really going to take my time getting them right. I will spend some quality time with myself. I will also annoint my skin with delicious smelling cremes. 

Which reminds me that I´m in dire need of a good perfume. I haven´t had one for a long time and in the recent past have had to do with some inferior ones. I hope the Glossy Box brings a solution in the form of samples. That´s what I´m really looking forward to. Well, amongst other things.

I´ve got to go to bed. I´m also in dire need of sleep. I´ve got to get the rest of it before the day really starts. I´m yawning already. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The soul wants something too...

I'm drinking a cup of coffee and am slowly becoming coherent, although that makes it sound as if I was maybe comatose when I got up and I wasn't. I was actually quite perky, but for writing a blog post I have to be on my toes. That's what I think anyway because I want to be engaging, although I usually find that incredibly difficult. I think when it comes to sounding fascinating, I usually fall flat on my face. I take myself much too seriously for that. 

This will be my effort to see and address the lighter side of things, although I don't know if I will pull it off. It's tough to become suddenly lighthearted when you are always so very literally and stick to the serious side of the subject. Sometimes I try to write with irony, but I don't think that comes across at all. It falls flat on its face also. I have a tendency to forget to see the humorous side of things, although I don't lack a sense of humor. I'm big on slapstick and farce. 

Already I'm bogged down in seriously analyzing my tendency to see the seious side of things and that while I said I wouldn't. You see, it's in the nature of the beast. I must immediately cease and desist and enter the lighthearted zone.

Yesterday evening I ordered a new cardigan on line that will go with a few dresses that I have that I would otherwise not get to wear. I suddenly remembered their existence and realized that what I needed was something warm and fashionable to wear over them in a complimentary color. This cardigan is made of fine wool and is knee length and open in the front so it shows the dresses. It's a creamy vanilla color which matches some of the color in the dresses.

I got it on sale for hardly any money at all and I counted my good luck. It must be that time of year for them to be priced low. It might also have been a matter of good timing and I just started looking at the right moment when this particular one was on sale. It will be delivered in the morning and I will see if I made a good choice. I assume I did. It will match my boots also. With any luck, I will look like a picture of fashion. 

And, it's like my mother always said: if you run fast, nobody motices the difference. 

I went on the bathroom scale, although it was not the right time to weigh myself, and saw that I only had two kilos to lose. That will be even less in the morning because it always is. Losing that little weight is not much of a problem. It's  4.4 lbs. That does give me lots of hope. 

I reapplied my nail polish to those nails that needed it last night. Some of them had become chipped already. I didn't want to have to redo all of them so I did the ones that were in bad shape. When I get the chance, I will sit down and do all of them over again. I must try a better nail polish. Something that really stays on for a long time and that doesn't chip no matter what you do with it. There must be some like it. I don't believe the industry hasn't come up with it yet. Or they must not be willing to sell it for fear of falling sales. 

Maybe there will be some nail polish in my Glossy Box and I hope for a good lipstick also. The ones I have don't stay on very well. At least not when I drink a beverage, but that may be the problem with all of them. Maybe you're not supposed to drink anything with lipstick on. Yesterday I forgot to put any on and every tiome I thought of it, it was the wrong moment. It does get discouraging if you have to keep reapplying it. You see your lipstick dwindling as you use it. 

I do like this business of being female and already look forward to the morning when I can mess around with my make up again. The face wash I use is very good for my skin and leaves it relatively soft. It does a good job of getting my make up off. Applying my mascara is a job and a half because I don't have the eyelashes I used to have and it takes a bit of effort to make them look full. I also poke myself in the eye. The night creme I was using is making my eyes water so I've stopped using it. I'll have to use the baby lotion again.

Maybe there will be a good creme in the Glossy Box. I do have high expectations of it, don't I? Since I will be getting one once a month, I'm bound to run into something good sooner or later. All I have to do is be patient and I'm good at that. I'll use what I already have in the meantime. 

There's nothing special on the program today. There will be a few chores to do and cultural TV to watch so I will get my fill of that. I do need to have my intellect stomulated. My soul can't be barren. It does seem like I concern myself with only my make up and my clothes right now, but they are just the things that bring me comfort. The rest of me also needs to get fed. 

I hope you'll all have a great weekend. I'm going in search of my bed again. I have some hours to sleep until morning. First I've got to drink a glass of ice cold milk to make me burp. I have to have some sound effects. 

Ciao,

Nora