Tough Broad Boots.

I couldn't find an exact image of my boots, but this one comes close. I have a bit more metal decoration on the straps, making them look a little bit tougher, I think, but either way, you get an idea of what they look like. They are very comfortable and I put them on in the morning and don't even bother taking them off when I get home like I usually do with my shoes to slip on something more comfortable. They sound tough too when I walk in them and I am even thinking of having the heels reinforced with a little bit of metal, so they won't wear down so quickly.

Anyway, you see how between the spiky hair and the tough boots, I just need to have a leather jacket for my whole image. Someone told me about several second hand clothing stores today where I may find one and they can also be found on the open air market. Wouldn't it be really cool if I got one? It would be so awesome. I need one with a lot of pockets. I am full of excitement.

Today was another ordinary day in the life of this 54 year old. I slept until 7 AM. Can you believe it? That is late for me and didn't give me much time to contemplate my navel, because I had to make cigarettes and walk the Überhund and get dressed and ready to go to my ergo therapy.

I thought about being late and contemplating my navel longer, but I really like to be there on time and spend some time out on the roof deck with the other smokers and drink espressos. It gets me in the proper mood and there is always somebody with a story that is interesting to listen to and you wouldn't believe how normal these people are. If you met them in the street or at a party, you wouldn't know that they were receiving intense therapy and taking medication. They're just an ordinary average slice of the human population. They could be anybody.

Today, 4 of us sat around a large sheet of paper with watercolor crayons and all of us had to draw whatever, but one of us had to try and control our act of drawing and we took turns doing that without speaking. It was very interesting what came out of that and how people interpreted what control is and how to implement it and how you decide to let yourself be controlled by another person. My interpretation of control is total dominance and to rule completely or to not let myself be controlled at all by not even giving the controlling person the chance to do that. So, it is all or nothing with me. Other people have no control over anybody, they just get waltzed over. They are too nice to do it. I am not too nice. Thank goodness, but I am not subtle, I have to learn that. I'm like a Tasmanian Devil and just scrawl that crayon all over the place regardless of who is doing what where.

We talk about these things afterwards and stop and pay attention to how we go about applying those 'skills' in our lives. Survival techniques. We are asked to look at them and see if we can do it differently. Huge lessons are learned.

I think we are way ahead in the game compared to a lot of people in the outside world who just go stumbling along, oblivious of their motivations and their limitations, constantly caught in the same traps. You see some people going through enormous changes.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I see him struggling with the same issues at his work year after year and never reaching any sort of resolution, but always getting upset about them and having them be a big subject of his conversations with me. Unresolved issues will gnaw away at you and leave you very frustrated and stressed, especially if they dominate your thoughts and you seem to have no ability to change them.

The Exfactor did bring his camera and take my picture, even though the light wasn't all that great, but you do get some impression of what I look like now. I must get a camera of my own, it is one of the first things I want to get as soon as I am financially more comfortable. I haven't quite decided what I want to get, but it has to be affordablle, of course. I like the camera that the Exfactor has, but I think I want to get something else. Something a little heftier.

I think it is fine if the Exfactor comes here once a week or so to drink a cup of coffee or two and have a talk with me. It gives me a realistic picture of how he is and not some idealized remebered one that doesn't exist anymore. It's good to see the real Exfactor and to listen to him talk and to know that that is not the person I want to spend my life with ever again. The Exfactor I fell in love with 15 years ago is gone and even the friendship that we had then is not there anymore. We've really grown apart and there is no use crying over spilled milk.

He did think that the idea of the party was a good one, as I invited him too and I said the Paramount could come, but he thought that she would not be comfotable with that, so he would come on his own. I have some people in mind to invite and the idea is slowly taking shape in my head. Maybe we can make it a happy divorce party, because it may just be possible that we will be divorced shortly. I am expecting to get the papers in the mail any day now.

The thing is, that I feel so very much divorced already and I am in all ways except by a formality. I think having my own name back was the clinger and using that on all paperwork now makes it very real and tangible. I really am this person named Irene Sieders and glad of it.

Wel, now I need to go check my bank account balance and see if my subsidies have been deposited yet and if they have, I can go grocery shopping. Luckily, it is almost pay day, but that is always such a fickle event that I never know when exactly to expect it. Don't let anybody ever convince you that it is easy to live on a governmental handout. There is a lot of stress involved. It would be much better to have a fair paying job.

Well, kiddos, make the best of what is left of the day. I think I will grab something to eat and get ready to watch the news after I see if I have any money.

Ciao...