Thursday, December 03, 2009

Wednesday late at night.

I just woke up from a long nap on the sofa. I slept for two and a half hours, so that is really more than a nap. That is a state of comatose existence. I woke up because the dog needed to go out. The poor dog who I took to the vet today and who turned out to be sick and got an antibiotic shot and antibiotic pills for 6 days. He's got a bacterial infection and was running a fever. I just gave him his first pills hidden in a slice of salami and that worked well.

I slept well last night, except that I had to get up when the dog had to go out urgently. He was making a lot of noise so I would wake up. Still, he had an accident in the spare bedroom, but I went straight back to sleep after that and woke up to the alarm clock and very grumpily made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the sofa and tried to wake up. That took me about an hour of drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Then I quickly got up and got ready and walked the poor dog, who was in not such good shape and I resolved to take him to the vet at 1 pm.

First I had to go to my last Wednesday class and that was a little bit hard. Some of the people there I'm going to see again at the SPC, but others I may never see again and it was tough to say goodbye to them. You almost can't allow yourself to get sentimental about it, no matter how much you like them, because you know you can't form lasting attachments in that world. It's rare if you do. In the end we all go our own way. I wanted to get closer to some of the people, but everybody has their little privacy wall up and keeps their private world separated from the clinical world. There's one woman there I like so much and she is such a great artist and I really am going to miss seeing her, but she had her privacy wall up very much. I hope I run into her again. I hope she knows what a great artist she is. I think she doesn't realize it, although I always let her know.

People had brought things to eat with them for by the coffee and I had a piece of apple cake, but there was much more, which I couldn't eat, of course. There were even Negro kisses, which is a round wafer cookie, topped by a white mousse, covered in dark chocolate. I think we're not supposed to call them Negro kisses anymore, because it's not politically correct, but I don't know what they are called now. Nothing derogatory was ever meant by it. It was just an innocent name, but alas...

I brought all my artwork home with me rolled up in a tube and I have to have a good look at it and decide if any of it is worth keeping. Some things may be worth framing, but not all of it. Some of it is just plain silliness and can go. I wasn't always serious about what I was doing there. Some things were just experiments.

The shot of antibiotics seems to have done the dog a lot of good. He has done nothing but sleep all afternoon, except for the times I've let him out. He even ate most of a white bread sandwich. The vet said that he was probably feeling sick to his stomach and that is why his appetite was down. He is drinking a lot of water, so that is good. He is not dehydrating. When the dog is sick, it brings out all of my maternal feelings and I get very motherly. I'm overly concerned about him and watch him like a hawk. It's just like having a sick child and only the best is good enough for him.

He just ate 150 grams of some very good dog food and he ate it with pleasure. I think that is good enough for now. It means he's feeling better.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here enjoying the late hours of the night again. I don't have to get up early in the morning. I have an appointment with Social Services at 1 pm and I'm not looking forward to it very much. They'll want to know what I'm doing in my life and if I'm ready to be reintegrated. Obviously I'm not and I have to let them know that in a half hour appointment and that is causing me to feel some stress, although I have to say that my case manager there is a reasonable man and has been very kind in the past. I have to assume that the appointment will go well and all I have to do is tell the truth without embellishing. Still, I worry, because I don't know how well I can represent my own case. I suppose a certain amount of worrying is normal, because it will help me prepare myself for it. There's a fine line between worrying and feeling anxious, though. Feeling over anxious.

Right, I think I had better go to bed now. I will take my medicines and have something to eat and put my pajamas on.

I hope you all have a good night's sleep and a good morning. It never did rain here like it was supposed to.



Gail said...

Sad but sweet, if you had not gone, these people you would not meet.

VioletSky said...

It is hard when you meet people you really like and want to have as friends, but know that that sort of relationship is not going to happen.

Wisewebwoman said...

Poor old Jesker, plodding along, I'm so glad he's feeling better.
I know how you feel about the people you met, it is so hard to say goodbye and know the relationships can't be pursued. ships that pass, etc.

Leslie said...

I can totally identify with your dog love. My dog is my favorite person in the world, even when he does things like throw up in the car on a long trip! Our pets are family members in every sense of the word if we're animal people, and when they're not up to par it's a worry. Sounds like your baby is on the mend.

Interesting thinking about people connections, and how some folks do keep up their armor and stay at only the most superficial level. I've experienced that a number of times, where I really like another person and would like to investigate friendship but they aren't so inclined. I'm also aware of keeping my own walls up with certain folks who clearly want a friendship with me, but for whatever reason they don't feel right or comfortable for admittance to my inner sanctum. I think we all respond to each other based on things seen and not seen: maybe they remind us somehow of an unsafe person from the past, or just don't feel "right" in some way.

Hope the pup continues to heal, and that your meeting goes well today. As for a strategy, you said it well, "all I have to do is tell the truth without embellishing." Sounds easy, but can be tricky when we want a certain outcome and fear we won't get it. I'm learning to trust the process with that stuff. At some level I'm lucky to really believe that things work out as they're supposed to. Will be interested to hear how it goes.

Babaloo said...

Sorry to hear Jesker wasn't doing so well. He seems on the mend now, hope he continues to improve. Do you know how he got that infection?

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Experiments in art are not silliness! That's sometimes how you learn the most about what works and what doesn't. I always used to find that it was the things I designated an experiment that actually turned out the best! Probably because the pressure is off.

Hope you have a good day and doggy continues to improve.

Bearfriend xx