Neither here nor there...

An infinitesimal amount of people visited my blog today. I will not for one minute worry about being well known enough and start thinking of marketing strategies or popularity campaigns, though I'm sure that all such schemes exist. I've noticed that the most simple and insignificant blogs pull in the most followers and that long winded ramblers like me seldom get high up there in the ratings. There's too much to read and people just want something quick and not a treatise on life at my house. However, I always have much to say, and since it's my blog and I will keep saying it, I won't start worrying until the numbers start to really dwindle. Until I'm a lone voice in the desert.

I know that when I write a post about suicide attempts, or self harm, or a total nervous breakdown, with all the drama and tears to go with it, my readership suddenly goes up and I don't know why that is. So, I'm thinking that I must start making things up and have one of those events happen regularly and have lots of drama happen in my life, just as things are slowing down to a dull roar.

I also should post lots of pictures, because people seem to like them, so I'll have to start taking lot's of photographs of Tyke and the cats, which reminds me that I have to put batteries in my camera.

There, I took a bunch of pictures and then had to edit or delete them and locate them on the computer and stick them in a map where I could find them and it was all a little bit tiresome on a new computer. It didn't quite work the same way it did on my old computer, so I had to cheat a bit. A lot of my photographs are stored in Documents, because I could not get them into Images, and I had to store these in Documents also.

I just had to take my medicines and make myself a cup of coffee, because I had a complete sinking in moment. Suddenly life didn't seem all that wonderful and I hope to get over it quickly as soon as I've had my cup of coffee. I know, they are only fleeting feelings.

I bought a cigarette holder today that had a sticker on it that said, "Push here to open," and of course the first thing I did was remove the sticker, so now nobody will know how to open it but me. I also found an old watch with an adjustable metal band in my jewelry box and managed to get it off and attach it to the watch that was still working, but had a broken band. So, I solved that problem. Now the Exfactor doesn't need to go get a new battery for the other watch that stil has a band. The watch I have on is prettier and I bought it myself. It was one of my first purchases as a single woman.


I´m done writing this post now. I´m not all that satisfied with it, but I´m going to publish it anyway. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don´t. think I started out feeling like a nut when I first began this one. You know what you do when you write an unsatisfactory post, don´t you? You immediately start writing another one. I have the feeling that I´m staying up late tonight. It is Saturday after all and I must have my wild night too.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

I forgot...

It was 10:10 am this morning and the phone rang. It was my SPN who wanted to know where I was. I had completely forgotten our appointment. I told her I would get on my bike and be there in the shortest amount of time possible. Ten minutes later I was there. The traffic and the lights were in my favor and I rode my bike quickly, like a speed demon. I was only out of breath briefly when I got there, I recuperated very quickly. I'm in good shape. It was the second appointment in a row that I had forgotten. Luckily I was dressed and ready to go, because I had just walked the dog.

My SPN wanted to know why I kept forgetting our appointments, and I said that it fit in the general picture of how I felt lately and that my mind was not on the things that I should be concerned with, but had a tendency to wander off and go daydreaming. I've been forgetting more things lately and sometimes I'm not sure of what day it is. On Sunday, I was in doubt for a while and thought it was really Monday and that I forgot to go to my creative class. I also forgot to put out the trash for the second week in a row.

She asked me to update her on my present state of mind and I knew not how to describe it right. I said that I had some of the symptoms of a depression, but that I really didn't have a depression. She asked me to give myself a rating on a scale from 1 to 10 and I said a 5, which is not bad, and I think we only need to worry if it is a 4 or a 3. Normally I am a 7 and sometimes an 8. Sometimes, when I'm working on a painting, for instance, I'm a 7, though I should pay better attention and find out if that is really true or if that is just an assumption I am making. You can paint and be totally caught up in it and be sad at the same time too, of course. I'm really speaking of unknowns now.

I forget to check in with myself to see how I really am. A lot of times I'm unaware of my feelings, because I'm so used to ignoring and rejecting them. It may seem like I'm very much in touch with myself, but a lot of times my own state of mind is a mystery to me and I go about pretending to be one thing when I am something else. The fear factor that I have now does not come out of the blue and belongs to my present state of mind, which is not good, and I can only assume that some sort of underlying slumbering depression is at the root of it. The problems I'm running into now are very familiar to me and I have had this many times in my life and these feelings of helplessness have always been accompanied by a depression. The medication may prevent me from getting a full blown one, but I still get the symptoms. Call it a low grade depression.

Isn't it nice how I diagnose myself? I am my own best expert. I only need monitoring, I can be my own therapist. Well no, not really. Sometimes I do need someone else's expertise. If only to acknowledge my findings and to keep track of me so that nothing really bad is going to happen to me. And everybody needs a sounding board to hear their own ideas echoed off from and input from the other person so you don't walk down the wrong path too long.

Anyway, I'm sitting here now waiting for the Exfactor to show up, even though I have no idea if he will, but he usually does on Tuesdays. Of course, if I were to call him, he'd probably be out riding his bike somewhere in the countryside like he does a lot of times, communing with nature.

I will try and get some housework done today and I'll do it at a real easy pace and not rush myself, but take my time and pretend the day is endless and that I have no deadline, which I really don't. It doesn't matter if not everything gets done today. I must sweep the floors, because Jesker has shed some hair and there is lots of grit from I know not where. I don't want to be a slave to my household, but I think there's no danger of that. I have not been paying a lot of attention to it and have ignored a lot of chores. Some of them I will do today, but I don't want to feel any aggravation and irritation because of it. It's not worth it.

I'm wearing all black clothes with my brown shit kicking boots and a green shawl and matching bracelets. I'm dressed for serious business. The only thing is, that I forgot to put on make up this morning, so I'm facing the world with a naked face, but I don't care. I'll take it on anyway. If it becomes too much, I'll take a nap, that's how I deal with that!

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora