Thursday, July 23, 2009

That's okay then...

It;s another early in the morning moment. I'm having my coffee and my cigarettes and am enjoying the piece and quiet all around me. I slept a lot yesterday and fell asleep on the sofa in the evening and spent the night there, totally oblivious of everything. I know I was watching Midsomer Murders, but that is my last memory of what was on TV.

After I wrote my last post yesterday, I didn't feel all that great. Actually, I was a bit distraught and a feeling of desperation was settling over me. This, of course, had to do with my sense of failure which I felt, although I know in my heart that it was completely unnecessary. Nevertheless, for that moment I felt it and wanted to punish myself for it.

Luckily, I was able to reach my own therapist and, at the moment of greatest need, I was able to talk to her about everything. This was very helpful, as she knows me very well and has been able to keep track of my moods these last few months and has seen how they have fluctuated. She probably knows them better than I do.

It was good to talk to her about my fears and insecurities and my worries about feeling so easily overwrought all the time. There's nobody better to talk to than the person who knows the story of your life.

After having increased my antipsychotic medication last week, we had just decreased it again on Monday, because I seemed to be doing fine. So, the first thing we did was increase it again and I must say that this had an immediate effect and that it calmed me right down and that I quickly came to my senses again. Such is the working of that medication and I'm grateful for it.

Secondly, she talked me out of my feelings of shame, which I also came to see as unnecessary and not worthy of the cause (I think that's what I mean to say).

She dates my tendency to become easily overwrought to an incident that happened a few months ago and that makes sense to me and I have to trust her on this, because she has a good point of view on this and can judge it better than I can.

As I said, the rest of the day was spent in peace and quiet and sleep. That medication does so much for me, it's amazing. It literally stops me from feeling crazy and doing crazy things. It will be awhile before I try to decrease that again.

So, now it is Thursday morning and I have the whole day ahead of me. I don't have any therapy classes and officially today is cleaning day. Much to my amazement, there's hardly any dog hair on the floor. It seems that Jesker isn't shedding much right now, but I'll have to vacuum anyway just for the dust and the dirt. I'll have to wash his blanket also, just in case one of the cats has brought home any fleas. I think we're okay, but you never know.

It will be fun to do chores in sets of threes again and try to keep coming up with three different things to do. Not that I think I'll run out of them. There's always extra work when the regular work is done and the eternal cobwebs, now that the spiders are coming in through the open windows. No, we have no screens in front of the windows here. Every kind of bug can just enter. Luckily, no really scary ones live here.

It was so hot outside when I went to walk Jesker at 6 pm yesterday. The heat just hit me like a hot air dryer when I stepped out the front door. It had only rained in the morning, but luckily, a little bit later, it started to rain very hard for a short time. It came down in buckets, so it cooled things off for awhile, but in the apartment it is still 24 degrees Celsius.

Now I'm off to read some much neglected blogs, so I wish you a good day with all that brings with it.



Maggie May said...

I think you are very wise trusting your therapist, who knows you so well.
You CAN follow your dream but do it slowly.
Nothing wrong with needing medicine to keep you running smoothly, Irene. if you were a diabetic, you wouldn't be trying to come off insulin, would you?

The weather looks more promising here. This is my last day at school this school year! Everyone else breaks up tomorrow! (My day off)

Babaloo said...

Oh, a day to do with as you please. Apart from the cleaning. But you'll be done with that in no time.

No point in reducing that medication again in a hurry. Like Maggie May said, you wouldn't try to wean yourself off insulin, would you?!

Happy Thursday!

jeannette stgermain said...

Oooh, that's hot for Holland. I remember the relief of rain after a hot and humid day!
Glad you were able to catch your therapist in time!
Stil packing and cleaning at the old place, and unpacking at the new. My blog is a life saver, without that I sure would have gone bananas:) Keep plugging on, Irene, you're doing good!!

Frances said...

Sounding better. I agree with the others. Unfortunately there is no magic bullet to cure all your ills quickly. Best to keep to the level of meds which allow you to function and enjoy life.
I think the analogy with insulin is a good one and may help you to cope with the difficult prospect of being on meds for a long while. The good thing is that you are still active and mentally alert on all these meds. They are not impairing you in the way they do with some other people. You're not sitting around stoned out of your head and unable to think. Keep positive dear one.
You are strong and will get there eventually.

Maureen said...

Excellent analogy Maggie May... yes, I am glad your meds work quickly and that you got to speak to your therapist. That's what they are there for! Hope you have a lesiurely day with not too heavy of a cleaning schedule.

I do hope it rains today as well; it is going to be hot, and if it rains, that means I don't have to water all my plants on the deck ;)

Have a great day, Irene.

VioletSky said...

Isn't it comforting to have someone who knows all your ins and outs of life and can be calming and helpful.

Gail said...

Glad you made that call and now smooth sailing ahead on your day off.

Have fun, mix it up, do some ones and fours.

John said...

Take care of yourself. - you are precious.

My best - reagrds from a train

My bb comments are working today - have not worked for at least a day or two.

aims said...

As I said - getting rid of meds is not for everyone.

Wanting to be normal - Of course we do. We don't want to stand out as a freak or a nutcase as some call us. We want to belong in some sense to the bigger crowd.

Still - I hide away in my barn - hoping that when I deal with the public that they can't see the big arrow right over my head that's flashing on and off - on and off.

Be at peace my dear friend.

btw - I lost that 37 things about you....can you resend it?

Anonymous said...

Aren't meds great - especially when they work as well as yours seem to! As my old dentist used to say, "Better life through chemistry" - and it's true, many people do live better lives because of their medications for so many different ailments. It frustrates me to no end when some parents of kids that I deal with at school refuse to even consider meds for their attention-deficit kids - come on people, if it helps, why not try it?

Wisewebwoman said...

I don't know what normal is Irene and I doubt anyone can define, we need to celebrate our differences, our quirks, our ups and downs.
We are all unique.
Good on you taking your meds and listening to the therapist...

Mike Golch said...

Sorry that I have not visited with you in a long time,some how I did not get to updating my blogroll for way to long and still was following you old blog as well.My Bad.

John said...

achoo award awaits where guess

John said...

hope you are well...come by, I have candy.