Thursday, July 23, 2009
That's okay then...
It;s another early in the morning moment. I'm having my coffee and my cigarettes and am enjoying the piece and quiet all around me. I slept a lot yesterday and fell asleep on the sofa in the evening and spent the night there, totally oblivious of everything. I know I was watching Midsomer Murders, but that is my last memory of what was on TV.
After I wrote my last post yesterday, I didn't feel all that great. Actually, I was a bit distraught and a feeling of desperation was settling over me. This, of course, had to do with my sense of failure which I felt, although I know in my heart that it was completely unnecessary. Nevertheless, for that moment I felt it and wanted to punish myself for it.
Luckily, I was able to reach my own therapist and, at the moment of greatest need, I was able to talk to her about everything. This was very helpful, as she knows me very well and has been able to keep track of my moods these last few months and has seen how they have fluctuated. She probably knows them better than I do.
It was good to talk to her about my fears and insecurities and my worries about feeling so easily overwrought all the time. There's nobody better to talk to than the person who knows the story of your life.
After having increased my antipsychotic medication last week, we had just decreased it again on Monday, because I seemed to be doing fine. So, the first thing we did was increase it again and I must say that this had an immediate effect and that it calmed me right down and that I quickly came to my senses again. Such is the working of that medication and I'm grateful for it.
Secondly, she talked me out of my feelings of shame, which I also came to see as unnecessary and not worthy of the cause (I think that's what I mean to say).
She dates my tendency to become easily overwrought to an incident that happened a few months ago and that makes sense to me and I have to trust her on this, because she has a good point of view on this and can judge it better than I can.
As I said, the rest of the day was spent in peace and quiet and sleep. That medication does so much for me, it's amazing. It literally stops me from feeling crazy and doing crazy things. It will be awhile before I try to decrease that again.
So, now it is Thursday morning and I have the whole day ahead of me. I don't have any therapy classes and officially today is cleaning day. Much to my amazement, there's hardly any dog hair on the floor. It seems that Jesker isn't shedding much right now, but I'll have to vacuum anyway just for the dust and the dirt. I'll have to wash his blanket also, just in case one of the cats has brought home any fleas. I think we're okay, but you never know.
It will be fun to do chores in sets of threes again and try to keep coming up with three different things to do. Not that I think I'll run out of them. There's always extra work when the regular work is done and the eternal cobwebs, now that the spiders are coming in through the open windows. No, we have no screens in front of the windows here. Every kind of bug can just enter. Luckily, no really scary ones live here.
It was so hot outside when I went to walk Jesker at 6 pm yesterday. The heat just hit me like a hot air dryer when I stepped out the front door. It had only rained in the morning, but luckily, a little bit later, it started to rain very hard for a short time. It came down in buckets, so it cooled things off for awhile, but in the apartment it is still 24 degrees Celsius.
Now I'm off to read some much neglected blogs, so I wish you a good day with all that brings with it.