When I announced in this blog this morning, that I was going to live my life as a healthy person from now on, who was going to carry her dysfunctions in a little bag as baggage with her, while she climbed on her healthy horse and went through life as a regular ordinary person, I hope you didn't take me too seriously, because going public with that statement had some nasty repercussions for me.
Shortly after I had publicly declared myself that way, a great feeling of unease settled over me and I got chest pains and stress and I was just very short of starting to hyperventilate. Very soon I felt panicked and depressed and I knew I needed help. I wrote an email to my therapist, but I knew she wouldn't read it until after 9 am when she started her shift.
Very bad feelings took a hold of me and it was a repeat o f what I had felt last week, so I knew I had to save myself and acknowledge my feelings. I got on my bike early and rode it to the clinic where my therapies are and hoped that one of the therapists there would be there early so I could talk to one of them.
Luckily, the replacement ergo therapist was there and she was immediately available to talk to me and we went and sat in a little office and I could tell her what my problem was.
I told her that I had publicly declared that from now on I would act as a healthy person and merely carry my dysfunctions with me as baggage in a little bag, but that I felt very vulnerable and naked and without protection and that I had no idea who this healthy Irene was and how she was going to function in this world.
The therapist saw what the problem was immediately and saw that I was trying to make a giant leap from one situation into another without taking the little baby steps in between that are so crucial. I was suddenly trying to be healthy without any dysfunctions, where before I had been a dysfunctional person very often.
It is impossible to suddenly become one thing after you've been the other for such a long time. You have to take the necessary in between steps to get there and I wasn't taking them. I was thinking black and white, one thing or the other, now or never. She slowly explained the process of change to me and how it works for anybody. You can't suddenly hit nirvana and be a healthy person, because you decide that's what you are going to be. It takes time and practice.
Slowly, as we were talking, I calmed down, were before I was ready to self destruct. I became clear thinking again.
As I'm writing this down, I am saddened again by my reaction, because it was so extreme, but at least I recognized what I was reacting to. I feel a certain amount of depression hanging over me still, because I'm unsettled and I need to find my place in my own mind again. I'm insecure and unsure of my next move. I'm not a happy camper, but I hope to be one soon.
That's all I had to tell you for now.
We'll see how the rest of the day settles down.