Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Not quite that!

When I announced in this blog this morning, that I was going to live my life as a healthy person from now on, who was going to carry her dysfunctions in a little bag as baggage with her, while she climbed on her healthy horse and went through life as a regular ordinary person, I hope you didn't take me too seriously, because going public with that statement had some nasty repercussions for me.

Shortly after I had publicly declared myself that way, a great feeling of unease settled over me and I got chest pains and stress and I was just very short of starting to hyperventilate. Very soon I felt panicked and depressed and I knew I needed help. I wrote an email to my therapist, but I knew she wouldn't read it until after 9 am when she started her shift.

Very bad feelings took a hold of me and it was a repeat o f what I had felt last week, so I knew I had to save myself and acknowledge my feelings. I got on my bike early and rode it to the clinic where my therapies are and hoped that one of the therapists there would be there early so I could talk to one of them.

Luckily, the replacement ergo therapist was there and she was immediately available to talk to me and we went and sat in a little office and I could tell her what my problem was.

I told her that I had publicly declared that from now on I would act as a healthy person and merely carry my dysfunctions with me as baggage in a little bag, but that I felt very vulnerable and naked and without protection and that I had no idea who this healthy Irene was and how she was going to function in this world.

The therapist saw what the problem was immediately and saw that I was trying to make a giant leap from one situation into another without taking the little baby steps in between that are so crucial. I was suddenly trying to be healthy without any dysfunctions, where before I had been a dysfunctional person very often.

It is impossible to suddenly become one thing after you've been the other for such a long time. You have to take the necessary in between steps to get there and I wasn't taking them. I was thinking black and white, one thing or the other, now or never. She slowly explained the process of change to me and how it works for anybody. You can't suddenly hit nirvana and be a healthy person, because you decide that's what you are going to be. It takes time and practice.

Slowly, as we were talking, I calmed down, were before I was ready to self destruct. I became clear thinking again.

As I'm writing this down, I am saddened again by my reaction, because it was so extreme, but at least I recognized what I was reacting to. I feel a certain amount of depression hanging over me still, because I'm unsettled and I need to find my place in my own mind again. I'm insecure and unsure of my next move. I'm not a happy camper, but I hope to be one soon.

That's all I had to tell you for now.

We'll see how the rest of the day settles down.



VioletSky said...

Oh yes, the impatience to have it all come together immediately once you've decided and then to be terrified that it might all change...!

Good thinking about getting to the clinic to see who was there to talk to. I was wondering where you were. Hope it settles soon.

Maureen said...

How very insightful of her to see so clearly! Yes, baby steps are important to us all; we each need to make changes slowly and carefully, so we are happy and pleased with the end result.

So glad to see you were able to take the initiative to go see her early too! That was important. Take care.

SugarCain said...

Sorry for your reaction. Change is hard, isn't it? You handled the situation so well, Irene, even though it was quite unpleasant. You didn't call the ExFactor, and you knew where to seek help and it worked. I hope you can see something positive in the episode, because I do. I'm thinking of you.

Babaloo said...

Obviously you were scared. And why not? Change is not easy to make and nobody said it was. You were right to seek help and you found it.

Hope the rest of your day goes better!

aims said...

Oh my friend.

How well I know what a daily struggle it is to appear 'without baggage and normal'.

You didn't do anything unusual - reacting like that. It is very hard to appear normal and have to cover up what is churning away underneath - especially if we have been open before.

You're going to be okay. It will take some time to exude that persona. If you have times when you don't - who cares? Only you. And - only you know when you are wearing the 'normal mask' and when you aren't and it's for real.

I too would love to be 'normal'. But in the end - what is that? I know I'm a better person for having gone through what I have. I think you are too.

Frances said...

Irene, you are normal.
You have heavy loads to deal with and you cope amazingly well considering. You have some damage and some baggage in addition to and intertwined with some serious health issues. It is normal to take time to heal and become functional.
It's normal to panic at any sudden decision, or to get so hopeful of change.
These are all just human responses and you should feel glad you turned to someone to help instead of slipping into some other less positive and constructive behaviour.
You did well to flee your fear and find a sensible person to talk to.
Don't despair. You are determined to leave some of the luggage on the platform and you will do that - you are determined to become functional - and you are well on the way. Always be kind to yourself and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Just because the load looked light when it was heavy, doesn't mean you are a weakling. Far from it. I admire you so much.

Anonymous said...

Hi Irene - I'm back from my vacation and just catching up on all my favourite blogs. You have had some recent ups and downs, haven't you? But as several others have pointed out, you ARE normal, but with the added advantage of being able to see and identify your weaknesses. So many of us cannot (yet) do that! And you are also able to get appropriate help when you need it - how amazing is that?! Yes, baby steps towards change are necessary, but you know how to do that and have done it before. You WILL handle this in your own time. You WILL be okay. I send you many cyber-hugs!

Maggie May said...

It is impossible to change overnight and you set yourself a task that you couldn't do.
I would be someone else if I could. I dare say everyone would switch to someone else if they could, if it was that easy.
No one can say that you don't try Irene. You are an amazing lady.
I agree with your therapist that you have to do things very slowly in small stages.
Hope you feel more settled soon.

laurie said...

on the other hand, irene, we love you the way you are.

i would like your life to be easier. but it seems that there is nobody as hard on you as yourself. me, i think you'r strong and interesting and terrific. i'm not clamoring for you to change.

i'm glad the therapist was in. and so glad you thought to go there to talk! excellent.