Thursday, July 16, 2009

This is what you do...

After I finished writing my last post I made the decision to harm myself. It was, what I thought, a very well thought out decision to get rid of the tension and anxiety in my mind, because it is my experience that self harming always does this. The act of self harming creates so much anxiety of its own, that it overrules the other anxiety that you feel and once you've self harmed, you feel such a release of stress and tension, that you actually feel a lot better.

I took care of the wound myself, having much experience in this now, and dressed it and put a bandage around my arm. Of course, it's like a white flag and everyone will see that I've done it again and that is not my purpose, that is just a not so pleasant side effect. It's better in the winter when I can wear long sleeves.

After all that, I did feel a lot of relief and for a while I felt better and I stayed up most of the night, being unable to go to sleep, and being unwilling too and I didn't go to bed until early in the morning where I crashed with my clothes on and I don't even remember falling asleep.

I woke up at 10:30 am from the phone ringing. It was my older sister who wondered why I was still in bed, so I told her I wasn't feeling good and that I did not have a reason why. We talked for a short time and then hung up and I laid on the sofa, petting the dog and trying to come up with a plan.

Then my younger sister called me and said that she had heard that I was not feeling well and that she was available for help. I told her that I needed a plan and that I didn't have one and together we decided that the best person to call would be my psychiatrist, because he knows the most about my medication.

And so I did. I left a message with the secretary and he called three minutes later. Unheard off! I explained the situation to him as well as I could and we brainstormed together about what would be best to do. After going over all the possibilities, we decided to temporarily increase the antipsychotic medication and if I really feel the need, I can take some more tranquillizers, but he hopes I won't. That's his least favorite option.

He also gave me some practical instructions on how to get through this period and that was helpful and made me feel better. It's nice to know that someone takes the time to care and gives you good advice. He emphasized that it was good that I called and that I could call anytime I felt the need or could in any way shed light on the situation.

Because I still felt the need to harm myself, I had called Eduard to come and take away the sharp objects. He got here at one pm and gathered them in a baggy and put them in his motorcycle jacket pocket. Now the temptation is gone and I won't be thinking about it anymore. I'm not crazy enough to go to the store and buy a new supply.

I took an antipsychotic tablet right after I talked to my psychiatrist and they usually work pretty quickly, but what I feel mostly now is the sedating effect of it, so I am pretty calm. That is a nice side effect.

Eduard is so sober minded about the whole thing. He listens, he looks and he says, "Well, in a couple of days you'll be as good as new." That's as excited as he gets about it and he is right, because he lived with me for a long time. He has seen many battle wounds and he knows I land on my feet again.

While he was here, he raised the seat of my bike and tilted it backward a bit, so I will be more comfortable riding it. He also reattached my headlight, which I didn't realize was undone. It was hanging by its wires. Silly me for not noticing that.

That's my story for right now, my confession. I was in doubt as to if I should tell you, but I can't leave out something that important.



Babaloo said...

It's a pity you didn't use the option of talking to someone, your sister, your SPN, your psychiatrist or even the ex factor last night. But sometimes you can't see the wood for trees, I know how that feels.

Sorry to hear you felt the need to self-harm and actually thought it was a good plan. I've never felt that need myself, so I can't say I understand. I only think that self-harm never sounds like a good plan. There must be other plans or options that are better.

Hope the meds do what they're supposed to and you're feeling better soon.

Hugs xxx

laurie said...

ouch, irene. ouch. it is terrific you have such a great support system. eduard is right, you'll be grand in no time. hang in there. ouch.

Elaine said...

How can any person judge you if that person has not walked in your shoes and felt your anguish or pain?

Harming yourself, I suppose, is like a drug addict getting a fix, an alcoholic having a drink, a gambler having another bet, a shopaholic buying one last handbag. It's all the same, at the end of the day.

It saddens me to think there are so many people compelled to do things they know they shouldn't do. It saddens me more to think there is no-one on the end of the phone, no-one to talk to when SOMEONE is needed the most.

There are horrible, crazy things going on in this world...but the most horrid and scary things are going on in our heads. It is such a shame.

If I could be there, Irene, I would give you a hug. A big one.

Stay strong. You are one of the most amazing and talented women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I wish I lived near you, I really do. x

Maggie May said...

I am pleased that you have got the help you needed and you know, you DO always come right in the end.It is really sad you lose sight of that when you feel so bad.
Let's just hope that you will be on an even keel for a good while now. Take courage, my friend. Ypu are brave, never forget that.
((hugs)) X

VioletSky said...

Thank goodness for your support group. I am sorry that those harmful feelings returned. You sound, in your writing, very calm about it all, so am thinking that deep down you agree with the ex factor that all will be right ... in time again.

Maureen said...

Oh please take care of yourself; I am glad to hear your family and psychiatrist were there to help. Maybe just call for assistance a bit earlier... I hate to hear that you have hurt yourself, but I won't judge because I have no first hand knowledge of what you are going through (other than what I have read over the years). Remember, you have a lot of people and furballs who care about you. Of that, there is no doubt. Take care. Hugs.

Frances said...

sorry you allowed yourself to do that, Irene. It shows what a low ebb you had got to. Glad Eduard had the attitude he did. At times like that the last thing one needs is drama and attention, because it encourages it to continue and get worse.
I won't tell you off - I know that you will do that as soon as you are on an even keel.
But we both know what self-harming is, and it is not addictive, it is not about taking control or releasing tension. Don't get so far into it without calling one of those people you know will be able to help you stop yourself.

Gail said...

I am sorry I may have provided the "drama and attention" that Francis spoke about.

I only wanted to help.

Hugs! Lots of 'em!

Jackie M. said...

What do you say to a post like this? "I'm sorry your a cutter". I dont even know if your self inflicted injuries are via cutting. I suppose i could congratulate you on your bravey, but you may just laugh at my naivety.

I live in one of the busiest cities in the world. New York isint friendly to people who dont first pay homage to it. One doesnt necessarily stop to think about what's really going on with the girl who feels badly, or the guy who makes thier coffee daily.

I'm back to thinking that your brave.

Best of luck!