Here I am sitting amongst the debris of my life and I can only surmise that I am on a downward slope, because I am not getting my act together and little by little things here are getting out of hand, even though I make token gestures such as organize stacks of dishes and empty ashtrays and get rid of empty juice and milk containers.
It makes just a little dent in the real work that needs to be done and that I find impossible to face and that I can't get started on without having an enormously big cloud of doom and gloom hang over my head that defeats me before I've even begun. It's a sorry state of affairs and this afternoon, after I did the groceries and ate lunch, I laid down on the sofa and slept, as it was the best thing I could think of.
I've been trying to get out of the job for several days now and every day I find an excuse why I can't clean house. Today I've run out of excuses and must find the real culprit and the real culprit is my enormous lack of enthusiasm in life. Frankly, I don't give a hell of a lot right now about anything to the point that I want to do something about it, although I am acutely aware of this lack in me and I just wish it were different, but it isn't, and I can only hope that one of these days soon, I wake up with the right amount of enthusiasm again and straighten this place up as it's supposed to be.
I was afraid of this happening, but I was not expecting it and thought I was going along steadily at a nice pace, but isn't that always when you stumble and fall and find yourself flat on your face? Having moods is a terrible bothersome thing in that it effects your functioning so much and you want to plan your life, but almost feel that you can't, because of the unexpectedness of your disposition. I completely feel like not leaving my apartment now, although I know I will, because I have obligations.
I only want to perform kind deeds for myself and do nothing that will upset me further and avoid anything unpleasant. Going to the store this morning I didn't experience as something unpleasant, though it was a chore that had to be done, but I got to buy nice foods that were no longer in the refrigerator and cupboards and in a way that was the reward for the effort.
In the meantime I'm avoiding some phone calls I have to make and I'm not going to make them until I feel better.
The good part is, that on this downward slope, I'm not condemning everything about myself to hell like I used to in the past. At least I don't do that anymore. I can sit here and say I'm not happy and I have a hard time doing things, but I don't hate myself. My whole personality doesn't disintegrate, although I do feel a strong desire to hurt myself and I don't know where that is coming from. I will try to ignore that wish.
The most important thing is to accept the mood as it comes and to not make a huge big deal out of it, but to lean into it a little bit and let it be. For all I know it's going to be over in the morning and I will be fine again and my enthusiasm will be back.
I have to go now and see a man about a horse.
Have a good evening.