Rainy Saturday...

I'm very happily sitting here watching the rain come down in the early morning while the town is still asleep. It's fine with me, because I think whatever rain falls now, won't fall in a couple of hours when I need to go to the store. Oh, and you all know what I'm going to buy there, don't you? Right, a nice piece of Camembert for 99 cents. I can't wait. I mean as long as they're practically giving it away...

I think anything under one Euro is affordable, when it gets up to two Euros it's expensive. That's how I shop.

Having to come totally clean now, when it comes to my feelings, I have to tell you that I've noticed that I spend an awful lot of time suppressing some feelings and allowing others, or rather, hammering down certain emotions that are not acceptable and artificially pumping up others that are.

I'm just taking the opportunity to do a little bit of self analysis here.

So, in a way, I'm constantly, or so it seems, in the process of accepting or rejecting myself. I, or the judgmental part of me, am constantly looking to see if I have the right feelings and to which mood they belong. I'm afraid that if I don't do this, I will be like a very hard bouncy ball and keep ricocheting of all the concrete surfaces I encounter, leaving me turning and spinning and crazy like a loon.

So I try very hard to be in one mood only and to reject all the emotions that don't go with that particular mood. If you have too many emotions, you have to reject many of them, so you're constantly at work, which is exhausting.

Therefor, it is very pleasant when the chemicals in your brain take over and decide that you're completely depressed or completely hypomanic. You don't have to make up your mind about anything, you just are and can let yourself float away into that mood as if you have no willpower left of your own.

But when you're in the middle of those moods, in other words, a "regular" person, you have to feel all your feelings and you can't just categorize them into easily defined moods, no matter how hard you try.

The problem is, that I don't know what "regular" is. For as long as I can remember I've always bounced around on an hourly basis. (define "hourly" loosely here, it could be two hourly, or three hourly, or half hourly).

Anyway, I'm not going to get into my past now, because that's an endless story and it wears me out.

So, I sit here behind the computer and go from feeling euphoric to feeling anxious and when I realize it and try to determine my mood, I become completely confused, because why should one emotion follow the other one like that?

I immediately try to wipe out both emotions and not try to feel either one of them. Or, if I'm so inclined, I'll grab a hold of the euphoric emotion and run with that and stack it up with the other euphoric emotions. That's if I'm on my way to hypomania. The same goes for depression.

I now realize, that in order to stay on an even keel, I actually try to wipe out any sort of emotion and try not to have any but the most mundane. I try very hard not to feel anything and if I do, my first reaction is to suppress it. Never show what you feel, don't let anyone know by the look on your face what your emotion is. Don't show, let alone feel your emotion. Always be even keeled and calm and predictable and stable and don't feel your emotions.

When you have as many as I have, and they are all so contradictory, that can be a tough job. It's no wonder that I'm a very "crazy" person. In the most normal sense of the word. Maybe I'm just a very normal person who behaves crazy, because I'm confused.

Okay, that's as far as I'm going to take this today. It's been a real learning experience. I understand more now than when I started off.

I have to go make a shopping list now, so you all have a good day.

See you around!

Ciao...