Monday, December 22, 2008


It's late at night and I have just woken up after haven fallen asleep on the sofa in my bathrobe and pajamas. That seems to be a the way I do things now. I fall asleep watching TV and get up and go to bed and sleep some more there. Except for tonight. Tonight I want to tell you something.

This morning I wrote a very cheerful post, because I was feeling very cheerful. I am sorry to say that within an hour of writing that post my mood had plummeted down to nothing and I found myself in a state of great anxiety and depression.

I don't know what caused me to feel that way and I tried very hard to climb out of the black hole I found myself in. I couldn't figure out a way to do it and I was so upset and distraught that I almost forgot how it had felt to be cheerful an hour earlier and I could only feel this sense of doom.

This constant changing of moods has been going on for a while now and sometimes I can tie it to an event, but more often than not I can't, so I am left in the dark as to why it happens and how to resolve it.

This morning I thought that if this kept going on, I would at least be able to kill myself so that this endless rapid cycling would stop. Having thought that, I felt a bit calmer, because I saw it as a solution to end something that I do not have a grip on.

I went to creative therapy in that mood, because I thought it would improve there when I was busy with my collages and in the company of other people, but for some reason that made no difference. During our coffee break I stood out on the smoker's deck and all I could think of was the best way to commit suicide.

My mood finally lifted when I came home again. When I walked into the apartment and was greeted by the Überhund and I hung up my coat on the coat rack and made myself a mug of decaf and sat down to smoke a cigarette. Suddenly all the heaviness and the darkness of the morning slipped off my shoulders and I could think clearly again. It took me about half an hour to gather myself together emotionally before I felt like I was my normal self again, but then I was okay.

As I write this, I am struggling again, but I know that I will go to sleep in a while and that when I wake up it will be gone again. It is an utter feeling of despair.

I just wanted to tell you the truth, that's all.



Bev said...

Irene, I know what you are saying.

However, what about all the top notch blog postings and comments you haven't written, all the books you haven't read, all the films you haven't seen yet, all the creative therapy classes you haven't attended, all the people you haven't met, all the senseos you haven't drunk, all the cigs you haven't smoked......and who would walk the dog:)

If you feel like this I would ring someone straight away or see your SCN about changing your medication.

I'm sure someone after me will make a more sensible comment. I often wonder whether that certain someone later e mails you to give any outrageous comments I make the once over.....

Frances said...

Irene, Bev is right. I think she is right on all counts.

Whenever you have extreme feelings like that is the time to ring someone immediately. You were compos mentis enough to be thinking it would pass, so you are compos mentis enough to know that isn't right and it's dangerous, especially at this time of year and in this season.
I also agree with her about the meds. They seem to be taking time to settle in and you may need some other help while they actually start stabilising you. They may need changing, or just take time to start really working as you were told, but you can't risk harming yourself in some way in the ups and downs.
I wonder if they are fluctuating over the day because you have to take them differently from your old meds.
Whatever the case, please do as Bev says and ring your psychiatrist to see about getting you some other meds for now - or changing the way you are taking them. They may be interacting badly with your other meds, if you are still taking those. Are you?
Keep strong and remember your daughter if you get extreme. She has already lost a brother to illness and she needs her mother to live a good long life.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

I appreciate your caring comments, but you have to remember that this rapid cycling is part of my disorder, it belongs to the disability that I have. It is being extreme now, I think, because of the circumstances U find myself in, but I will do as you both suggested and talk to my SPN about it today. Thank you for caring so very much.

Debi said...

Irene, don't distinguish the light. You are not alone. You are loved and admired. Stay with us. There is only one you.

Babaloo said...

Irene, sorry to read this. And, as usual, I'm late in coming to your blog.

I can only imagine what it feels like, so I can't really give you any sensible advice except that I think you shouldn't be alone in this kind of situation. I'm sure it would help to be able to speak to someone there and then, not a day later.