It's late at night and I have just woken up after haven fallen asleep on the sofa in my bathrobe and pajamas. That seems to be a the way I do things now. I fall asleep watching TV and get up and go to bed and sleep some more there. Except for tonight. Tonight I want to tell you something.
This morning I wrote a very cheerful post, because I was feeling very cheerful. I am sorry to say that within an hour of writing that post my mood had plummeted down to nothing and I found myself in a state of great anxiety and depression.
I don't know what caused me to feel that way and I tried very hard to climb out of the black hole I found myself in. I couldn't figure out a way to do it and I was so upset and distraught that I almost forgot how it had felt to be cheerful an hour earlier and I could only feel this sense of doom.
This constant changing of moods has been going on for a while now and sometimes I can tie it to an event, but more often than not I can't, so I am left in the dark as to why it happens and how to resolve it.
This morning I thought that if this kept going on, I would at least be able to kill myself so that this endless rapid cycling would stop. Having thought that, I felt a bit calmer, because I saw it as a solution to end something that I do not have a grip on.
I went to creative therapy in that mood, because I thought it would improve there when I was busy with my collages and in the company of other people, but for some reason that made no difference. During our coffee break I stood out on the smoker's deck and all I could think of was the best way to commit suicide.
My mood finally lifted when I came home again. When I walked into the apartment and was greeted by the Überhund and I hung up my coat on the coat rack and made myself a mug of decaf and sat down to smoke a cigarette. Suddenly all the heaviness and the darkness of the morning slipped off my shoulders and I could think clearly again. It took me about half an hour to gather myself together emotionally before I felt like I was my normal self again, but then I was okay.
As I write this, I am struggling again, but I know that I will go to sleep in a while and that when I wake up it will be gone again. It is an utter feeling of despair.
I just wanted to tell you the truth, that's all.