Friday, December 19, 2008

Friday Morning Once Again.

It's going to disappoint all of you when I tell you that I didn't go to that new creative therapy class and it wasn't because I was too tired to go, but because I was too intimidated to go. I simply did not have the guts to go to a new group and become part of it and do my work there. I chickened out and when I made the decision not to go at the last minute, a huge amount of stress fell off my shoulders.

I don't know what it is with me, but everything new intimidates me and rather than face up to it, I choose the easy way out and don't do it. I get such stress from having to do something new in my life. I affects my mood something awful and I become a nervous wreck who can't function properly. I am not proud of it, but I have found no way to deal with it yet.

The rest of the day my mood was up and down, the way it has been lately. I hit high points and I hit low points and I try to get through the low points by remembering that they are temporary and that after a few hours they will be gone and I will feel better again. I get very morose and down on myself and see the world colored black. Then, when that mood is over, I see things in heir proper perspective again and I can think clearly and see that it isn't so.

So, there is some rapid cycling going on and that seems to come with the time of year, I think. I am warding off a real depression and fight my way out of the low points by finding ways to distract myself and by trying not to believe what I think.

The good news is that my welfare payment came 2 days early, so I can go grocery shopping, which I badly need to do and I could pay some bills. I was hoping it would be and kept checking my bank account.

The other good news is that my eyes have become completely adapted to the new glasses and now when I take them off, there is a hell of a difference, especially in the right eye, which is a -3 and has an astigmatism. I find myself paying close attention to people who wear glasses on TV and comparing their glasses to mine and seeing how they look in theirs.

My household is still getting nowhere. I have stopped making myself promises that I don't keep and just sort of mess about. I know it will resolve itself over time, like it always does, but in the meantime I hope the queen doesn't come over for a cup of tea.

So you see, I have nothing interesting to tell you. My life is an up and down seesaw and I'm eating too much. I think I don't like the wintertime too much, but I don't consciously hate it. I think this week wasn't a good week for me, although I may have sounded cheerful enough. I am avoiding things and that is no good. I have to make amends next week and do a better job of being present.

Structure, that's what it is all about.



Milo said...

no beautiful. i know that winter is no good. same happens to me too. but i always enjoy a warm cup of soup on a really cold freezing winter day. just hang in there gorgeous. love from Milo (how about a big cuddle from Uberhound?!)

Maggie May said...

The shortest day is now over!!!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!
Pity about the class...... but you know yourself better than anyone. You are also handling your moods very well & not allowing yourself to slide down too much, which has to be good management!
Enjoy your day, Irene X

Frances said...

Keep warm and cheery and think of the fact that you are a bit better off than expected financially.
Make sure to see the Exfactor for your weekend visit, because you sound as if you need some company at the moment.
It will pass, as these things do, because you are strong at heart and have the will to get through.
Glad to hear about the glasses and we all look forward to hearing about what hairstyle you come up with.
You will come out of the avoidance phase as you have done before. Changing meds and taking on something new in one week is frightening, but you know you will go eventually and you will enjoy it.
Just don't let the fear of the new therapy keep you away from the others.
The only advice I have really is that you should not dwell on it. Just tell yourself it will pass and you will get your brave socks on again.
Remember how well you have done. You got your SPN, you managed to start several therapy groups, you are surviving living on your own, managing your money, your bills, your shopping, the animals. Who would have thought this last year when you were rapid cycling and avoiding going to any therapy, even worrying about the SPN?
You will do it when you are good and ready - just be honest about your fear and don't stop going to everything else in order to prove to yourself you are too ill to go to the new group.You don't have to prove anything to yourself or anyone else. Accept that you get anxious about new experiences, as we all do, and your meds don't allow you to ignore your anxiety yet. Give yourself a break and say you will go once to see what it is like. Then if it is horrible, back out. No-one minds, the therapy is to benefit you not to make you sick with worry.
End of sermon
Have a great day and go easy on yourself.

Stinking Billy said...

irene, there you go again, always putting yourself down. "Nothing interesting to tell us" but, somehow, I always manage to struggle down to the bottom of your page. I should get a medal, right? ;-)

laurie said...

once in a while avoidance is a good thing. you put something off when you can't cope, and later you find that you can cope just fine.

as i recall, you were not excited about your first creative therapy class when it was starting, either, and i think you skipped one or two sessions before you got in the swing of things and eventually grew to love it.

you'll be fine. just takes a little time. and yes, in the dark and rain and cold it sometimes takes a little longer.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand about not going to the therapy group. If I am not in a comfortable mindset, I would not go either. Don't beat yourself up over it, you know yourself best. It was too much pressure at this time. In fact, so is the house cleaning. I can't imagine you making a mess, so let it go for now. Just be in the present moment and go with that. Do what feels right to you and brings you comfort.
If you feel the cycling is getting out of your control, please call for help. Aside from that, focus on total comfort for yourself.

Mad Asthmatic said...

Don't beat yourself up about not going to the new class yesterday and we are certainly not disappointed in you. I think you are doing well managing the ups and downs of your mood at the moment.

Mean Mom said...

You've received some great support from everyone and no one is disappointed in you, including me!

Always listen to Frances, in particular! She is a good friend.

I met up with my friends for our Christmas lunch, last Wednesday. I wasn't looking forward to it. I considered backing out. I had to drive and I thought that I might not be able to find a parking space, or that I might even crash the car. I forced myself to go and I actually had a good time. I parked and I didn't crash. I'm not suggesting for a minute that you should have forced yourself to go to therapy. I'm just saying that I can understand a little of how you feel. There has been the odd occasion when I have backed out of my monthly lunches with my friends, for the reasons I have described above.

Hopefully, by the time your next class comes around, you will be feeling better and able to give yourself that little extra push.

VioletSky said...

What Laurie said.
And what Billy said.

Anonymous said...