It's going to disappoint all of you when I tell you that I didn't go to that new creative therapy class and it wasn't because I was too tired to go, but because I was too intimidated to go. I simply did not have the guts to go to a new group and become part of it and do my work there. I chickened out and when I made the decision not to go at the last minute, a huge amount of stress fell off my shoulders.
I don't know what it is with me, but everything new intimidates me and rather than face up to it, I choose the easy way out and don't do it. I get such stress from having to do something new in my life. I affects my mood something awful and I become a nervous wreck who can't function properly. I am not proud of it, but I have found no way to deal with it yet.
The rest of the day my mood was up and down, the way it has been lately. I hit high points and I hit low points and I try to get through the low points by remembering that they are temporary and that after a few hours they will be gone and I will feel better again. I get very morose and down on myself and see the world colored black. Then, when that mood is over, I see things in heir proper perspective again and I can think clearly and see that it isn't so.
So, there is some rapid cycling going on and that seems to come with the time of year, I think. I am warding off a real depression and fight my way out of the low points by finding ways to distract myself and by trying not to believe what I think.
The good news is that my welfare payment came 2 days early, so I can go grocery shopping, which I badly need to do and I could pay some bills. I was hoping it would be and kept checking my bank account.
The other good news is that my eyes have become completely adapted to the new glasses and now when I take them off, there is a hell of a difference, especially in the right eye, which is a -3 and has an astigmatism. I find myself paying close attention to people who wear glasses on TV and comparing their glasses to mine and seeing how they look in theirs.
My household is still getting nowhere. I have stopped making myself promises that I don't keep and just sort of mess about. I know it will resolve itself over time, like it always does, but in the meantime I hope the queen doesn't come over for a cup of tea.
So you see, I have nothing interesting to tell you. My life is an up and down seesaw and I'm eating too much. I think I don't like the wintertime too much, but I don't consciously hate it. I think this week wasn't a good week for me, although I may have sounded cheerful enough. I am avoiding things and that is no good. I have to make amends next week and do a better job of being present.
Structure, that's what it is all about.