Thursday, December 04, 2008

If I don't...

If I don't write every day, I hardly recall what I have been up to and I have to scratch the inside of my brain to try and remember what I did the day before yesterday. I don't know if that is because my days all look alike or because my memory is bad. I will do my best anyway.

I guess in reality it doesn't matter that I went grocery shopping on Tuesday afternoon. What do you care anyway, right? Just me on my bike in the cold with my bags full of groceries trying to get home without causing an accident when turning left into my street between oncoming traffic. That's always real tricky. Sometimes I don't quite make it in the timing and almost topple over, or hit the sidewalk where I'm not supposed to get on it. That's real good for my tires.

Grocery shopping is always great, because sometimes I make a list that I can deviate from when I put a question mark beside an item. That is so much fun. That means instead of that item, I can look around on the shelves and see if I can find anything better. Something better tasting or better in quality or cheaper in price. The possibilities are almost endless. On Tuesday I found an instant porridge with fiber and fruit in it that was on sale. I tell you! Just what I desired. When you get to be my age, you need all the help you can get.

All kidding aside. It does satisfy me when I can get a lot of groceries for the least amount of money and really make them last. I am as cheap as they come. Still, I do have to think about my nutrition and I do read the labels. I look for vitamins and minerals and pay attention to how much fat and salt and sugar there is in something. The plainer the food, the better it is. Some things are naturally good for you, so I buy those.

I now have a sort of muesli that has 4 different kinds of grains in it and 2 sorts of porridges that each have different kinds of minerals and vitamins in them. I measure my health by the strength of my nails and my hair. If my nails grow well, I think I am doing okay. I chew vitamin C tablets as if they are candy. I just grab a small handful and eat those and I eat a lot of dairy products.

Yesterday was ergo therapy. Well, what can I say about that? It was hefty, because we talked about social contacts and how every psychiatric patient seems to have trouble with them. We all got quite excited about this subject, including me, and it was a very emotional half hour for me especially, because I know why I have such a hard time making friends and being comfortable around new people and strangers.

I am very insecure and constantly afraid of being rejected. To prevent this from happening, I don't let anyone get close and literally physically back off when confronted with other people. This fear of rejection runs deep and the origin of it goes back to my childhood, but was reinforced when I became a full time psychiatric patient and I was rejected by people whom I cared about very deeply. To this day, I protect myself from rejection, but the therapist said that I also reject myself and that is even worse. I believe that I am worth being rejected.

I talked about it with my SPN who I had an appointment with in the afternoon. There is so much emotion there and so much old pain. It seems that my whole life long I have fought a battle against the believe that I am worth being rejected and every time the evidence proves that it is true, except that this time I had embraced the idea that I was worthy of rejection and decided to accept it as a given. I was not willing to prove the opposite, because I no longer believed it.

Imagine that. I had accepted the fact that I was not worthy of being accepted by my fellow human beings, but most of all not by the people whom I love. That's how little I think of myself. That's how denigrating my opinion of myself is. I don't think I am worthy of being liked or loved and I suspect anyone who does.

It is probably the biggest thing I need to work on. It may take me quite a while to get this straightened out. I can't bullshit my way through this.

Anyway. Today is a whole brand new day and thank goodness for that. Thank goodness for brand new days that haven't been lived yet and in which you get a chance to shine.

I took the Überhund to the vet yesterday evening. His ointment was all used up, but his eyes weren't quite better yet, so the vet gave me a new tube of ointment and wants us to come back next week. The left eye is looking a lot better, but the right eye looks cloudy and red and it is possible that there is permanent damage. All we can do is wait and see. The poor Überhund is still scared to be there, but he is very good about being examined. Poor guy.

Oh yes, it snowed yesterday morning, big beautiful snowflakes and I rode my bike in it. The snowflakes stuck to my eyelashes and melted there. Luckily, I have waterproof mascara and it withstood the test. It was cold, but so very nice looking and everything was white until it melted in the afternoon sun. I am secretly happy that it doesn't get so cold anymore that the snow stays on the ground and the pond freezes over. I don't like for it to be quite that cold. Temperatures right around freezing are cold enough for me, but I am less bothered by the snow than I thought I would be and it is pretty.

Okay, it's time to hang up. I have to get going and not make this too long. I mustn't bore my readership. Have a great day, you all. I hope you get the kind of weather you wish for.



Bev said...

I noticed you hadn't posted yesterday, as I always follow your blog:)

It is snowing today and it was snowing yesterday. The paths are all very icy and some of the elderly round here are not venturing out.

I got into a conversation yesterday with a lady who is Liam's Mum (same age as Jack) about how we hoped they would start gritting the paths. I mean, some people were being dragged along by their dogs as though they were human sleds lol. This got into a general discussion about how the drains weren't kept clear, which partly led to last years' floods in Hull. Also about how there are many more rag and bone men round here (I have noticed this too, there seem to be lots of youths with painted carts and horses, which is unusual, because they are usually old blokes) because they have all made a mint on picking up all the stuff people had left outside their houses when they were flooded. Apparently some rag and bone men have made a packet now have villas in Spain....

So that was my one conversation during the day LOL The rest of the time I just talk to Mark and the kids and any assorted friends.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling rejected. I think the only answer is just to keep trying to talk to people, and to try and do social things, which is what you are doing anyway.

Anonymous said...

Do you know what I name you on my blogroll? "Bright Eyes" You have so much to respect yourself for. I could go on saying that to you couldn't I but only you will be able to work that one out in the end. And I know you will. To me, your eyes sparkle as does your heart.

Take care,
CJ xx

John said...

my dutch friends wanted the canals to freeze so they could skate for miles and miles and miles dutch love of the deep cold seems to be tied to that, maybe.

I like warmth - look for crocuses every day in my sleep - MY BEST...

Wisewebwoman said...

I hope you have good tyres on your bike to ride the snow, Irene!
The feeling of rejection is an old friend of mine, Irene, all of our stuff is so rooted in our childhoods, isn't it?
We need to write fresh narratives for our lives and not take the narratives of others as truth.

Maggie May said...

Irene, I can relate to your fear of rejection. I have always been prone to it. However, we have to trust because it is really lonely not to risk cpmpanionship. Whenever you open yourself up, there is always the risk of rejection, but mostly it doesn't happen. Most people are really kind, I find. There is always one rotten apple in the barrel, though. Never mind, plenty of decent ones left
Take care, my friend! X

Grit said...

hi irene, i agree with maggie may there; we live excluded from most mainstream life and we often 'swim against the tide' and cannot share the assumptions other people make about the rhythms and routines of life. it's easy to feel rejected like this, but i enter most social situations trusting that i will not be rejected because I believe we share human strengths and weaknesses more than we share differences of lifestyle. like maggie says, most of the time that trust is rewarded. those people who do reject us - that's their problem, not ours.

your blog is always thought provoking and very, very, human.

Frances said...

Irene, I think you would be amazed how many so-called healthy people fear rejection and have their different ways of coping with that. Either they have lots of superficial friendships where they are busy and socialise a lot on the surface but don't get too close, or they cut themselves off socially, or any combination somewhere in between. It is natural in us I think. However loving and supportive our parents may be, all of us have been told off, had some behaviour rejected or been controlled in some way which we didn't understand as children. All children fear losing love and losing parents somewhere in their psyche.
When parents are unable to parent in a healthy way for many many reasons, this can set up even more insecurity and feeling of lack of love in their children. Add to that all the angst of who is your best friend and who hates you - then bullying, even if just observed - then who you fancy and who fancies you - it is no surprise that an awful lot of us fear getting involved and try to put shells and masks on to protect ourselves. So many of us are let down at times throughout our lives that even those who start off very trusting tend to lose trust after a while.
We are all in one big club - let's hang together and try to be supportive and not add to the numbers of horrible cruel people who make others insecure - LOL