Sleeping...

I am getting better at sleeping every night. This morning I slept until 8:30 and I did a double take when I looked at my watch. I could not believe that I had slept that late and at first I thought I was late for something and several options ran through my mind, but then I realized it was Tuesday and I could relax. I have no appointments today and no classes.

Boy, going to creative therapy sure changed my outlook on life drastically. It was so good to be there and hang out with everybody and talk nonsense and laugh and just be a human being again. I served as a better pick me up than any pill could. It was especially nice when one of the other women and I talked dirty on purpose out loud and got all the guys laughing. I'll call her G and G and I are both the same age and sophisticated enough to know better, but we sure like to get down and dirty sometimes, causing us to have great hilarity. I am always glad that somebody catches on to my sense of humor.

So, it was good. I got some work done and I had some fun and I had my social interaction and it was all very nourishing. I felt satiated when I went home and the rest of my day was nice as a result. I knew ahead of time that that's what I needed and I made special effort to enjoy the morning and it worked.

When I got home, I was greeted by a very enthused Überhund and I took him for a walk right away. It had been trash day and here and there bits of trash were laying around and he thought that was just for him to forage in. I pulled him away from it with a lot of effort, but still he managed to get some edible bits in of I don't know what. He's quick and sneaky and can pull hard at the leash with all of his weight. I have one of those roll out leashes, so usually he is way at the outer end of it. He always has to have the idea that he is leading the pack, the pack being me.

I spent a pleasant afternoon doing odd jobs around the place, including administration and being very happy that there was so little of it. Just something very simple that requires me to make some photocopies and a chance to get 100 Euros back from Social Services for expenses made for the Internet connection. Also, this month, I get to pick up 20 free trash bags which normally cost 1 Euro a piece. They are special ones to encourage people to cut back on redundant waste material. Their color is called aubergine. Isn't that classy? The trash men will only pick up bags in this color.

The Exfactor came over on his way back from work to his house and had a quick cup of coffee or two. He was here on an errand and could only stay for a little while, but he was happy to see me in a much better mood. I think he really takes it to heart when I am not cheerful. He is always the same. Always full of stories about his job and the things that happen there and how he feels about them. He is mostly a cheerful person, even when things don't go well. That's why it is so hard to pin him down on what is happening with his emotions. He hides them very well behind other issues.

The Überhund is becoming more laconic about the Exfactor. He used to just go crazy when the Exfactor came over, but now he reacts less over enthused and goes to sleep again after the initial greeting. I was hoping that his allegiance would switch to me, as I am to be the most important person in his life, and I am glad that this is happening now. I do know that the Überhund listens to me better and that I have more leverage with him. I suppose that's because my approach is different and now that the Exfactor is gone, I get a chance to put it into practice. I very much want the Überhund to be focused on me and nobody else, so that he will pay attention to me and know what I want from him under any given circumstance.

I spent the rest of the evening behind the computer. It is nice when I don't have to cook dinner for anyone and all I have to do is walk the Überhund on time. People ask me why I don't fix dinner for myself, but that would mean fixing half a potato and two bites of vegetables. Maybe 2 Brussels sprouts or 2 carrots. I usually have a bowl of muesli with low fat milk and the muesli has apple and raisins in it. I rely on the vitamin pills to give me all the stuff I need.

As of last night, I am all caught up on reading all the blogs that I do. I didn't mind being alone and I didn't feel lonely. I was too busy for that. I think if you can build up a day that has a few highlights to look back on, it helps to get through the rest of the day, even if you have to do that on your own. You need an opportunity to expose some emotions, hopefully the positive ones; that can go either way. I chose to laugh, I just as easily could have started off crying. It could have gone both ways early on. My tears were close enough to the surface.

Thank goodness there are some people who feel good enough to grab you by your sense of humor and shake you a bit. However silly it gets. And thank goodness that you have enough sense to go along with that and not fumble the ball. It would be so easy to give into to those feelings of despair and let the whole huge mountain of it slide over you.

Now, I am not saying that I am always going to be able to do this. I don't know what sort of hole I am going to find myself in in the future. I agree that there are holes that you just don't easily climb out off and circumstances beyond your control can dictate that. My life is fairly uncomplicated, when you stop and think about it, but you do have to realize that I purposely made it that way. I have avoided many entanglements and many complicated situations on purpose. I do know where my limits lie.

I try not to get too involved with the lives of other people. I know that if I do, I don't take the necessary distance that is required for me to stay healthy and that I will become overly involved emotionally and that I will pay a price for it. So, I have learned to keep a distance and act a little bit uninterested, as if I don't care that much, but I do that on purpose. Things go badly for me when I start to care too much. I become very unbalanced and it is hard for me to keep my emotions under control. It is like being on a roller coaster without having any of the fun.

You can see how through a number of incredible events in a short amount of time, a person can become very fragile and much more unbalanced than she was before. Some people become very strong, and I thought initially that I was too, but I had the wrong impression. I pushed beyond the limits and events overtook me and mowed me down. It took a very long time for me to get up again and I have never recovered from the damage. Sure, I am a whole person again, but I am forever changed. I am as different now as if I had experienced a rebirth. I am still learning to figure out what this person is all about. How I function and how I dysfunction. I do feel that I can never do anything spontaneously anymore. I do regret that.

Well, you see how I fall into self analysis again. Or self reflection in my ego document. Writing this down is like talking to a therapist. Seeing the words so solidly written down and knowing them to be truthful makes me more sure of myself. It takes a load off my mind and makes me want to try harder.

I do have to stop writing, though, as other things require my attention. The day is already slipping by and I haven't done much with it yet. I do somehow have to make a dent in it.

I hope you all have a terrific day.

Ciao...