Wednesday, December 17, 2008

For lack of...

Since it is early in the morning, and I have caught up on reading all the blogs I follow, I think it is a perfect time to write a post as I sit here with my third cup of coffee (decaf) and one of my numerous cigarettes. I think early mornings are one of my favorite times of the day, because nowhere around me the day has started yet and all is quiet and peaceful. Even the paperboy hasn't been by yet on his noisy scooter.

The reason I wake up so early, is that I actually fall asleep quite early in the evening on the sofa while watching the news and when I wake up, it is several hours later and then I drag myself to the bedroom to sleep in oblivion some more. It is very pleasant not to completely wake up in between, but sort of walk around the apartment in a half awake state and shut off the lights and turn down the heater and make it to bed where I almost immediately fall asleep again.

I take naps during the day too. I do so when I feel my mood plummet and experience tells me that the best cure for this is to go lie down and sleep for a while, because I always wake up refreshed and in a much better frame of mind. This is what happened yesterday afternoon, when I badly needed to sleep, but had to go to my gastric band appointment. I decided to reschedule the appointment and to sleep instead for the sake of my mental health.

It does mean that my schedule is kind of screwy right now, but it can't be helped and I remember going through a period like this last year and I blame it on the time of year, when I really have hibernation tendencies. Maybe I should be like a bear in his cave and burrow in and not come out until the early springtime. Except that I would miss the food, which I seem to need copious amounts of right now, but that also belongs to the time of year. Comfort foods that make me feel good. No, no sweets and cookies, just plain food.

I am still not cleaning the apartment the way I should, but today at ergo therapy, I'm picking up the daily schedule that I made on an hourly basis and that will help me get things done in some sort of fashion. I think that is exactly what I need to get the show on the road again, because it will give me some guidance instead of this aimless puttering around that I do now. Aimless puttering around is very nonproductive and you achieve very little by it. It keeps you a little occupied, but it shows no results and you may as well do nothing at all.

My appointment with my SPN went well. We talked about the coming holidays and how to best survive those and my plan to just treat them like any old day and to not get sentimental about them. She was also pleasantly surprised that I had not had any problems switching from the one antipsychotic medication to the other, because it seems that people do. I had a smooth transition and suffered no ill effects.

The Zyprexa is working well and sometimes I try to purposely form those compulsive thoughts in my head again, but nothing happens, so I know I am cured of them. It's pretty quiet in my head and all the demons have been put to rest. I think I may be the least bit melancholy, but again, I blame that on the time of year, when I have a tendency to not always be at my upper most best.

Even though I needed the sleep, I do miss going to creative therapy, but I am going to have a chance to work on my collage tomorrow when I go to the extra creative therapy class. Today I have ergo therapy, also called bother therapy, and I am curious if the obnoxious person will show up with her negative attitude. I think the therapist is beyond kind and patient with her and treats her very well, something I would not be capable of, but that is why I am not the therapist.

This afternoon I get to pick up my new glasses and I can't wait to put them on and see what the world looks like. I am very excited about that and I am glad that I've overcome my vanity and am willing to wear them now. I have been paying special attention now to people who wear glasses and see that they are used as a fashion accessory and make a statement about the person who is wearing them. You can be as fashionable as you want to be, although my glasses are more understated and not so very obvious. I am hoping to be thrilled to bits.

Last night I dreamed that I was moving back to the States. It was a quite complicated dream with all sorts of side events in it that I can't make heads or tails of. I had to leave a lot of my clothes behind, because there were too many to fit into two suitcases. I had to leave the country, because I had realized that I loved the Exfactor very much and that this was interfering with me building up a life of my own.

The Exfactor was very upset and tried to dissuade me from leaving, but I was adamant that I should, but I did it with pain in my heart. In my dream I realized how much he was the better half of me and how we had been split apart and how that would hurt me for the rest of my life. I had to leave in order to grow whole again.

In my dream I was under the impression that a better life awaited me in the States, but the details of it never became clear to me. I did get the feeling, that if I went there, I would grow in leaps and bounds emotionally as a woman and that I would be light years ahead of who I am now.

In reality, I know I will never go back the States, because I know I have no sort of future there as a psychiatric patient. I wouldn't even be able to get health insurance that I could afford or a job to pay for it. So, I must interpret the dream symbolically. If any of you out there have any ideas about this, please let me know. It may be that I have to regain some of my self assured and cocky American identity, instead of the meeker Dutch one that I have now.

Well, that's all the sharing with you I have to do at this moment. I hope you have terrific day.



Elaine said...

I think that the clothes in your dream - which are such a huge and important part of your identity - were a symbol for something else. And as you dreamed about clothes in the same context as the Exfactor, I'd say that through divorcing him, you may be struggling with leaving certain things behind which were (or still are) very important to you. Perhaps the clothes represent aspects of your personality - the woman you were when you were together?

You must have been sad when you couldn't take the clothes with you, just as you may be sad if there are parts of you which perhaps have closed down now, because of the separation? can't run away from it. I think that is what the dream is telling you.

You need to fight for your clothes, Irene. xx

Wisewebwoman said...

Hang in where you are, Irene, stay where you are emotionally at the moment. You are leaving behind the unwanted emotions but forging ahead with your new self.
This is all good.

Maggie May said...

Although you are coping well with the things that have happened to you, there is a part of you that wants to escape from things. (Your sub consciousness)
You realize that you are still connected to the Exfactor & he to you, and part of you wants to escape from that.
Your practical, conscious state realizes that this is not possible, but dreams are not controllable.....

Hope you find your new glasses open up a new lease of life! Enjoy your day, Irene X

Frances said...

You can have as many interpretations of dreams as people who interpret. I would say, let your dreams do the worrying - at least you don't have the truly horrible dreams you were having before.
Because we know dreams come from within, no-one else can tell us what they are about in reality. Maybe just our minds playing with ideas to try them out in a safe way, like fantasies, we can explore possibilities without having to actually do them. I would say the key to your dreams is you.
If you are missing your American self and feeling that you might have coped better tougher, just think about the other side of your life that you were telling us about the other day, tough on the outside and suffering inside. Looking back for pleasure and to re-live good times can only be positive - dwelling on regret not so much.
You have moved on and grown up - you have melded your American and Dutch sides.

What I would say - not about dreams - is that your new med seems to be still not there. You are sleeping which is good, but you are also using your tiredness to avoid going out and mixing socially and cheering yourself up. Not seeing people and doing your therapy makes you miss company but your mental mafia are there making you avoid doing things which allow you to feel happy. So not everything has clicked into place. At least you haven't had a bad reaction, but give it time to really start kicking in - you will come through this slightly dopey down phase and then the med should keep you in balance a bit. You will do it, you have the guts and perseverance and you are stronger than the damage.
hugs -

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Who made you guys so darn smart anyway, huh?

Anonymous said...

That early morning feeling is so peaceful. The farmer says it's his favourite time of day when he can just gather his thoughts.

Dreams do have many different meanings but are generally interpreted based on your current situation, feelings and dilemmas. I lot of dreams come from insecurities in real life and our need to tackle things head on. We often find it hard to face our fears because most of us are afraid of the unknown. But in our dreams those fears come to the fore.

CJ xx

Babaloo said...

Looking forward to hear about your new glasses. And see a photo maybe?

I also think I should be hibernating. Well, semi-hibernating really because I want to be able to read a few books in between snoozing and eating a few treats. Sounds like a perfect plan to me - semi-hibernation until February!

Jo Beaufoix said...

YOur head is amazing Irene. I wonder what the dream meant if anything, I'm glad you're doing ok on the new meds and that you have a creative therapy session to look forward to. Hugs. x

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Maureen said...

Well you could always move to Canada; we have universal healthcare! But you'd have to deal with our severe winter... I know I'd love to have you and your furbabies as neighbors!