In order to understand this post, you need to read the post before this one that I wrote last night and that was a true confessional of sorts and took me some bravery to write. So, please go and do that first.
I am diagnosed with two disorders, namely Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. The rapid cycling that I talk about in the last post, and that I have talked about a lot previously, are very quick changes in mood that go from one extreme to another all in a day's time within the span of hours.
This opposed to the longer changes of mood which last for weeks or months when I get depressive episodes or hypomanic episodes that belong to the bipolar disorder.
My psychiatrist and my SPN and I have decided that the rapid cycling belongs to the borderline personality disorder, which I will call BPD from this point forward. Rapid cycling is one of the symptoms of BPD and one of the hardest ones to deal with. Your mood goes from one extreme to another during the day and can repeat itself several times.
It causes a lot of mayhem in your life and there is not really a medication for it to stop you having these moods. I take a mood stabilizer, but that one is really for the more longer term mood changes that come with the bipolar disorder.
Rapid cycling can be triggered by events or thoughts or perceived threats, but sometimes it is not at all clear why the sudden mood changes happen. It is like a switch gets flipped in your mind and you go from being cheerful to morose and depressed in the shortest amount of time and then, after several hours, you go back to being cheerful again and then it may happen again all in the course of one day.
It is very difficult to be caught up in this cycle and when you are at the lowest point, it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because you suffer. Sometimes you suffer very deeply and you want a way out permanently.
My depressed episodes are accompanied by a great deal of self loathing, so that makes it extra hard, but I try to remember the period before that when I was still cheerful, although that is difficult to do at that time.
Yesterday, the option of committing suicide seemed like a very reasonable one to me. I just don't have a good method. This morning I don't want to be dead, but I also don't know my own frame of mind yet. I'm caught somewhere in the middle.
I just want to tell you that the medication doesn't fix everything, although it fixes a lot. I would be in such dire straights without it.
I have an appointment with my SPN this morning at nine. I will thoroughly discuss the situation with her and try to come up with some solutions, but there may not be any.
That's all I wanted to say.