Monday, December 15, 2008

Early in the morning again.

Here I am sitting early in the morning again after a lovely sleep in my warm bed, after I had a lovely evening sleeping on my comfortable sofa. Sleep is the healer of all things gone array and puts everything back into its proper position. I took a long nap yesterday morning too and I always feel so good when I wake up. I feel that I can tackle any job or any mind boggling problem and I am full of good cheer and goodwill to mankind.

Of course, I had no problems to tackle and no mind boggling problems to solve yesterday, because it was Sunday and on Sunday I don't do such things. The only things I had to do basically was take care of the animals and have something to eat now and then. That's what Sundays are made for. On Sundays I can look around me and see all the things that I need to get done and not feel guilty one bit about not doing them, because it is my day off and since I live by myself, I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

I am also happy to inform you, that as of yesterday my new anti psychotic medication is working and I no longer have compulsive thoughts haunting my mind and I feel very relaxed and at ease. There is no mayhem happening in my head; all is quiet there. It's as peaceful as a sun drenched meadow in August when the gentle wind moves the colorful wild flowers to and fro. I am existing in a state of wellbeing that can not be shattered and pulled away from me. It is a solid thing and tightly in place. I am most grateful for that and I do count my blessings.

The Überhund and I had our lazy day together during which he tried to trick me into giving him treats without having done anything to deserve them and he had the greatest pity parties when I ignored him, something which I am very good at. Since I have to apply the ointment to his eyes 6 times a day, he gets enough treats as it is, and sometimes he is just plain hungry and needs to eat his bowl of food, which is less appealing to him than the treats. I think eating dog food is below his dignity. Maybe he has forgotten that he is a dog and he thinks he is a fellow human being.

The cats, on the other hand, are very much cats and wind there way around my legs and climb on my lap when it is most inconvenient and walk on the keyboard and sit in front of the computer screen when they try to get my attention. They are silently always present and have a way of letting me know that they too have rights in the family unit.

When I go into the kitchen they jump on the counter and interfere with whatever I do there and make the job twice as hard, because I'm kind and don't push them out of the way, because we are spending quality time together. They're very friendly while I make my coffee and push their heads into my hands to be petted and purr. We do our most important bonding in the kitchen.

I am very happy that today is Monday and I get to go to creative therapy again. The group of people that is there is such a nice bunch of people that that alone makes it worth while to go. There really is a good atmosphere there and it is all very convivial. We can talk and joke around and admire each other's work and give each other tips on how to do something. It has really made me crawl out of my shell and made me become more sociable. I move around inside that space with ease now as if I belong there and everything is familiar and within my reach. The socializing aspect of it should never be underestimated and it is a very good thing, because psychiatric patients tend to isolate themselves. The fact that in the process you also create something worthwhile is extra special, of course.

I'm a person of words. Not so much in my daily life, but very much so on my blog. I always feel that I am filled to the rim with words that I have to write down and I feel them literally spilling over the edge all trying to get out at once. Now, a lot of these words are not important, they are just idle thoughts, so I do have to edit myself and not write down just any old thing. But I have so many words inside of me that it feels like I will explode if I don't let them out. They are all crowding around at the exit of my mind.

Before I ever took any medication, I was an easily depressed, emotional and unstable person who always had to put a lot of effort into staying as normal as she possibly could. There were periods in my life when I could pull that off, at least it seemed that way to the outside world, that could not look inside of me and see that there I really suffered, because I had learned to hide things so well. But given any stressful situation, my facade crumbled and I became the least of stable people and fell apart and was unable to pick up the pieces without outside help.

I always thought that I was doomed to be an unhappy person and that some curse rested on me that would prevent me from being happy and feeling joy for any length of time. I had my crazy periods, during which I became reckless and irresponsible, but I saw those as an attempt of a prisoner trying to escape from her cell. During these periods I did outrageous things, only to collapse again in the end and become that same unhappy person who had that curse resting on her.

It took the mother of all breakdowns to get me to the point of getting properly diagnosed and on medication and even then it took a long enough time to find the right kind in the right combination. When you have a psychiatric disability, you have to walk a long road before you are on the path of healing. You have to become very knowledgeable about what your problems are and become your own expert. You can't be a helpless victim who stands there immobilized asking for help and not doing any of the work yourself.

It took me a long time to understand all of this, because I was confused and rattled for a long time. I felt victimized for a long time. I wanted other people to solve my problems. I thought I was helpless.

Now I am knowledgeable and I am proactive. I know which medicine does what and when I need a higher dose of something. I understand my disabilities and I know my pitfalls. Especially since I live on my own, I have to be my own analyzer and my own adviser and understand the whys and wherefores myself. That is probably for the best, because it is better to be an independent thinker when it comes to your own foibles of your mind.

In many ways now, I am a better person than I ever was, although I know there are areas that need improvement. That's because I am a little bit shell shocked. I need to get over the trauma. I will in time, I am sure of that.

Well, those were some of the words that were waiting to spill out of my mind. I hope they are of interest to you. Sometimes you just need to write things like that down.



Maggie May said...

Glad that the drugs are working now, Irene. you have certainly had a stormy time getting to this point by the sound of it.
Have a good day today, Irene. X

Frances said...

Yay! so glad to hear the chemistry is back in balance and you are not struggling with waking nightmare. You have to be brave and strong-minded to battle those horrible feelings and imaginings while your chemistry is off-balance and I really admire your guts at doing it.
Enjoy the therapy group as always and keep as warm as you can.
I recognise the dog biscuit pressure. Our dog has a funny way of sitting like a very good boy and just staring at whatever he want to be given. If we ignore him he goes to each person and is very friendly and quiet and sits like such a good dog... it is really funny, but of course he will generally get a biscuit eventually because one of the softies in the family will crack sooner or later. Good job he is so active and burns it all off!
Enjoy your day.

VioletSky said...

You are an amazing woman of words! I truly love the way you can express yourself (when I am depressed, I cannot conentrate enough to even think about how I feel; it is just bad).

Enjoy your creative therapy group today.

John said...

Good to see ya better - ever listen to the Clash?

Tessa said...

Oh, fantabulous day! I'm really pleased to read that you are feeling content today. You are so brave, so pro-active and, I'm sure, an enormous help to people who may suffer a similar disability to yours. You write with such eloquence, frankness and a complete lack of self-pity...I really admire you very much.

Oh, and please post some photos of your work from your creative therapy group. We'd all love to see it....and I'm sure I speak for other readers of your blog.

Breakfast in California said...

So glad to hear your meds are working and you're back in balance! I'd love to see your work, can you take photos and post them? Who's got the camera?

Got waked up by the sound of rain beating on the roof! It will probably be tomorrow's headline in the Times.

Thought of you as I got out the star chains we bought so long ago. The tree is up and I'm starting to bake. Will you light a candle for the holiday?

Miss you.

Babaloo said...

So glad the pills are working now. What a relief for you!

I love the Überhund's idea of deserving a treat just for being there. Very clever dog!