As the day...

As the day progresses, I get progressively worse. If you want to understand that statement, you have to read the preceding post. I have attacks of anxiety that fall over me like big waves of the ocean and I have compulsive thoughts that I can't get out of my head. I find it difficult to get started on my housework, as I can't keep my mind on it and it all seems rather futile now. I don't care if the floors and the furniture have been vacuumed, I just want to get out of this state of mind.

I tried to call my SPN, but she is at a congress in Antwerp and will not be in today. I left a message for my psychiatrist too call me urgently, but knowing him, he will not call me for some time. For some reason, he likes to call when he is good and ready, not when you need it. It's a cat and mouse game. The secretaries can't urge him to make the phone call. This leaves me feeling defeated and ties me to the phone all day.

When I go outside, a general sort of fear attacks me, but I can't tell you what I'm afraid of. I feel a suffocating feeling and I just want to get inside again, but I must walk the Überhund. The groceries need to get done, but I have called the Exfactor and he will be over in a while to do them for me. It's been 5 hours since I left a message for my psychiatrist and he has not called me back yet.

The Exfactor has been here and done the groceries for me. Luckily, I did not need much. He is a sweetheart for doing them for me. At least he is always available when I need help. He doesn't let me down. So, it's good to have him as a friend. How many friends would do that for you?

I think I would like to try another anti psychotic altogether. It feels like this one is doing nothing or very little. I find it so hard to function and get anything done, except for write my thoughts down. It always helps to write those down, no matter what sort of mood I'm in.

My psychiatrist just called me and cursed when he found out that the insurance company would no longer pay for the original anti psychotic medication. We had quite a discussion on deciding what to do. He suggested increasing the dose of what I take now and I thought that I did not have much faith in that, because the medication does not work, so we decided to try a different anti psychotic that I have used in the past and that also worked, but gave me the munchies and caused me to gain weight. I told him that at this point, I am so desperate that I am willing to give that one a try and not worry about any weight gain now that I have my gastric band.

I think he called back on time, because I called the secretary and got angry about the whole situation and told her that I was not going to wait by the phone until 5 PM. I was not amused, as Queen Victoria said. Now I have to call the pharmacy in a little while to see if they received the prescription by fax. I'll do that as soon as I've finished this cigarette and my cup of decaf. I do see a glimmer of hope, and I assume that all will be well now and that these terrible feelings will pass and that soon I will feel normal again.

It's strange that I have to take pills to feel normal, but that is the case and I am happy that it is possible after half a lifetime of not feeling normal. Yesterday and today are just reminders of that.

Well, I've been to the pharmacy and picked up the new medication, which is called Zyprexa. I have taken the first pill and am supposed to take one 3 times a day. Now I wait and see what happens. I'll take another one at 6 PM. I am hopeful, so maybe that will help. A positive attitude is good, but then again, I had that with the other pills also. No, there must be no doubt in my heart.

Okay, it 5:30 PM now and I had a nap and I feel pretty good now, like I always do when I just wake up. I'll take another pill in half an hour. Usually, these anti psychotics work pretty quickly for me and it is not a matter of days before I know if they do their job. I can tell they're going to work after a day of using them by the calming effect they have on me. I should feel a lot better by tomorrow afternoon.

I'll stop writing here and pick up where I left off tomorrow. Now I am going to get comfortable and watch the news.

Ciao...