Monday, October 31, 2011

Chasing away the black dog...

Now that I'm sitting here so comfortably in the semi dark in the middle of the night, it is easy to forget how down I felt during the day. All seems well now, while it didn't feel that way at all earlier. I felt that the black dog was stalking me in the underbrush and I was constantly aware of his presence. 

At first I tried to ignore him, but then I decided to acknowledge his presence and it almost felt like a relief when I did. At least it was a familiar presence and I knew how to deal with it. He was not really my enemy, but just a well known aspect of myself that was as recognizable as the features of my face. 

I don't know if I'm now coming down with a depression. It may be a false alarm. Maybe I just had a bit of a tough day, but the last few days I've been off a bit anyway. I haven't been my usual steady self. I've felt more insecure and more stressed and that's when things happen. 

I haven't been my normal self since Friday when I didn't sleep well because I had to pick up my glasses downtown at the optician. That was a big deal to me. I was so stressed in the morning that I took two tranquilizers and I had vowed never to take those anymore. 

Subsequently, I got my hair cut and as a result I had a whole new look. I think this all was too much for me and it unsettled me and I never did get back into my normal state of mind. I didn't return to my normal comfortable feeling. I didn't feel at ease with myself.

I also think that those tranquilizers took some time to get out of my system. They worked when I needed them to, but the aftermath was less pleasant. I felt like I was kicking off. No doubt that was because I used them so much in the past. My body had a craving for them. 

I think I can talk myself out of having the black dog stay if I analyze the cause and effect. It's not my new look that bothers me, but the events around it and the feelings that I had achieving it. It cost me too much effort and upset my too complacent life. It is easily upset, after all. 

But now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and I can rationally think about this. My feelings don't come into play so much. I feel as normal and sane as I can get thanks to the hour of the night. I may feel differently in the morning, but I hope not. I hope I can hang on to this sense of normality.

Being 'normal' is my biggest wish and I think you all know what I mean by being 'normal.' It is living without extremes of feelings, but being somewhere in the comfortable middle with the occasional hiccup. I don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but I do make the effort for it to potentially go that way.

I think if I can stay on the side of rationality, I can solve a lot of problems. My emotions do get in the way sometimes and take a run with me and I become unreasonable. I don't know how to get over that. I suppose I don't acknowledge them on time and let them simmer below the surface too long. I have to work on that. 

I guess I strive for some sort of perfectionism and will never achieve it. 

Have a good night you all. 


Saturday, October 29, 2011

Getting started again...

It's always a bit tough to get started up again after I've woken up from a nap. I try to do it without drinking a cup of coffee, but it's impossible. I need at least two of them to get back to normal. 

I don't know why I'm so stubborn at first to think I can do without. I blame it on temporary brain failure. It's only when I hit total bottom that I realize I have to do something about it and make a pot of coffee.

I'm nearly alright now. I'm working on my second cup. 

For a while there it was touch and go and I knew I shouldn't write anything because it might have come out very wrong. Luckily, I do have an internal censor who keeps me from making major blunders. 

My eyes have gotten used to the glasses, even to the correction for the astigmatism. I miss them now when I don't have them on, like when I wake up from a nap.  

I see these words on the screen ever so much better.

I've gotten used to how I look with them on too and I think my haircut matches them very well. I should remember to put in some earrings so I will look more feminine. I look a little butch right now. 

I am wearing a mini skirt today along with some pretty leggings that I bought yesterday. Nobody can mistake me for a boy. Besides, I do have some feminine curves despite all the weight that I lost. And I do still have breasts.

I took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, but I can't say that it was much of a pleasure. He dawdled most of the time and I had to literally pull him along. He thought there were items of interest under every fallen leaf and there were a lot of them. 

As we walked, showers of leaves fell on us and this was while the sun was shining on us too because it was a nice day. I was dressed too warm in my leather jacket. Just a cardigan would have sufficed. 

I've got to take the dog for a walk now and it's already dark outside. It's tough when duty calls you out into the night, but at least it isn't cold. 

Have a good evening all of you.


Friday, October 28, 2011

A well spent Friday...

This morning, after I had been up half the night and unable to go back to sleep, it cost me some effort to keep myself occupied until it was time to go downtown to pick up my glasses. I watched repeats of the news and information on traffic jams around the country as if it concerned me. I watched the early morning show and pretended I was a commuter off to a busy day at her work. I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes until I was sick of them. 

When it finally was time to leave, I was more than ready to go. I hopped on my bike as if it was an act of liberation and rode it downtown as quickly as I could. It was already busy there, but I did manage to find a space to park my bike, and walked the rest of the way through the cobblestoned streets to the optician. 

I had almost forgotten what my glasses looked like and it was a surprise to see them. It was also an experience to put them on. The world around me suddenly became a lot clearer and more in focus. The most important thing was that I was able to read without any effort. That was a real eyeopener. 

I wore them out of the store and when I looked into the distance, it suddenly had gotten a lot more depth. To celebrate that fact, I walked all the way to my favorite store to see if there was anything on sale to match the colors of my glasses. Luckily there was and I bought two tops for a give away price. I didn't try them on until I got home, but figured they would fit and I was right.

Decked out the way I was, I went to the hairdresser where I got complimented on my glasses. While I waited for it to be my turn, I read a magazine that was lying about in the waiting area. I never was able to do that before. Before I could only read the headlines to the stories and what was printed in bold script, limiting my reading very much. 

I had my hair cut a lot shorter than I did the last time and it looks good.  It's not the kind of haircut I have to mess with much. I can pretty much just run my fingers through my hair and be done with it. It was washed with silver shampoo and the color lightened up quite a bit. I will have it cut again in a month or sooner if it needs it. I won't let it get long. This time it had only been four weeks since I last had it cut. 

So, there I was with my whole new look. The people who saw it first were the Exfactor and the domestic help and they both approved. The most important thing though is that I like it and I do. I'm comfortable with it. And I'm very glad that I can see so well, both up close and in the distance.

Another important thing is, that I took a much needed nap later this afternoon. I was more than ready for it. I felt like a limp dishrag earlier. I have to go to bed early tonight and catch up on the rest of my sleep. I'm not done sleeping yet.

I hope you all have a good night.


It's impossible not to be glad...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm temporarily done sleeping. I'm sure that will be remedied in a while when I've had my coffee and written this post. If I take my time writing this, no doubt sleep will catch up with me again. I have to do several hours of it yet until I get up at a decent time in the morning. 

I will have to set the alarm clock because I have to go to the optician to pick up my glasses. Yes, it is finally happening. This is only after I called and threatened to cancel the whole transaction. The girl who answered the phone told me that she would try to find my glasses and call me right back. She did within twenty minutes and told me she had located them and that I could pick them up first thing in the morning. 

This did give me a certain amount of satisfaction, but I do wonder why it had to take a phone call like that to get my glasses? I expected better service than that. A customer shouldn't have to make a pest of herself to get the service she deserves. 

Well, all's good that ends good. Or so we assume. 

I'm also going to the hairdresser tomorrow. I'm very unhappy with my hair at the moment. I have to put on too much hairspray to get it to stay in shape and that's not the kind of hairdo I want. I want easy hair. The kind that you wash and dry and it's in place.

It wasn't really time yet to go to the hairdresser, but I think I didn't get it cut short enough the last time and I'm going to have it cut properly this time. I think I will also not wait six weeks to have it cut, but go once a month because my hair grows quickly and I don't like it when it loses its shape. 

After I get done doing that, the Exfactor will be here to bring me the cat food and the washing powder that he buys at the supermarket where he shops. It's the food my cat likes best and the washing powder that came out best in consumer tests. It's a little known brand, not one of the big ones, but it takes care of any stain.

The domestic help will also be here because, goodness sakes, it is Friday again and where did the week go? It slipped by quite unobtrusively and I hardly have anything to show for it. Frankly, I'm glad it is over because it was a bit of a dull week with not much happening in it. Today being an exception. I would like just a little bit more excitement in my daily life. 

By this afternoon I will have a new look. I'm curious to see how I will turn out. I'm ready for a make over. I'm always interested in something different. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now. I'm not sleepy and could sit here for hours, but I do have to be sensible. I'm going to need my energy during the day. It's a lot of responsibility, being in charge of yourself. Somebody has to do it. 

Have a nice day.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Being awake is another option...

Optimistically speaking, it's very early in the morning, although it will be some time yet until it's dawn. I won't let that bother me and pretend the day is starting anyway. If I were a dairy farmer, I'd almost be getting ready to milk my cows, especially if I had a large herd.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe with my cup of coffee. I slept well and was lovingly woken up by the dog who had to go out back. He's sound asleep now on the sofa. I feel that not much can go wrong right now and all is well with the world. I'm going to enjoy these first hours of the day as much as I can. 

When I was rearranging the bookcase the other day, I found '101 Crossword Puzzles for Dummies.' I don't remember exactly who bought me this, but I suspect it was my first ex-husband who knows I am crossword puzzle mad. I had forgotten that it was there and now I have been sitting down doing the puzzles.

I'm happy to say that I can solve most of them with only a minimum amount of cheating. I spent two hours on them yesterday afternoon until I was sick and tired of them. Still, I conveniently laid the book on my desk because I know I will want to do more of them today. 

I also have the Collected New York Times and Los Angeles Times Sunday Crosswords. It will be a while before I try those because they are a bit harder to do. I used to solve them when I still lived in the States, but I'm not as savvy now. You have to be more than a dummy to do those and be steeped in the culture. They are not for sissies. 

So, the interesting things you find when you rearrange your bookcase. There were books there that I hardly ever pay attention to and that are worth my time  looking at. Some have beautiful photographs in them and I haven't looked at them for ages. They are so neglected. If I don't look at them, who will?

I haven't got anything special planned for today. I'm hoping to get that phone call from the optician to say that my glasses will be ready to be picked up, but frankly, I've given up hope. I won't expect it and then I won't be disappointed. I already called them on Tuesday and they said it could be any day. Blagh!

I will take my medicines now and make a pot of green tea with lemon. Then I will sit in my arm chair and do some crossword puzzles until dawn. That ought to keep me out of trouble.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A cup of coffee will help...

It's late in the evening and I've already been asleep. Unfortunately, I was not as lucky as I was Monday night when I went to bed early and stayed asleep all night long. I slept for almost twelve hours then. It was unheard of.

No, tonight I woke up again, but I was sitting here bleary eyed, almost unable to do anything, and I was thinking about going back to bed. Then I realized that I had not had any coffee yet and quickly made some and now I'm having a cup of it. Rather rapidly I'm coming to my senses as the caffeine kicks in. I'm almost coherent now. 

I must have had a shortage in my brain to think I could have sat here without a cup of coffee. I know I can't function without having had the caffeine. I don't know what I was thinking. A general lethargy had a hold of me and it felt as if my body was pulled down extra hard by gravity. Beyond the normal pull that gravity has. 

I had that lethargy in my brain also. Thank goodness for bright ideas and the willpower to see them through. It did cost me some effort to open up the new package of coffee. As always it was vacuum packed and a pain in the neck to open. You're supposed to be able to do that without the aid of scissors and it's quite a trick. It's a matter of honor that I do. 

I don't know how I managed to sleep for almost twelve hours Monday night. I did get up twice. Once to go to the toilet and once to let the dog out back. Both times I was very sleepy headed and stumbled back into bed. I haven't slept like that since I was a teenager. I'm sorry I'm not repeating the exercise tonight. I did have great hopes, but I was foiled in my attempt. 

I alphabetized the bookcase. I thought I was doing a great job, but in the end I was left with about ten books that I had overlooked. I just stuck those in at the end. I can't be perfect and I'll know where they are. I took my time doing that while the domestic help cleaned the apartment. I wanted to make myself useful while she was here. 

I may not be reading much, but at least my books are organized. While I was doing this, I ran into all sorts of books I have not read yet and they did make me curious. I'm going to wait until I get my varifocal glasses and see if they make any difference in my reading ability. I may also dislike reading because I have crappy reading glasses. We'll see. These don't correct for my astigmatism and that may make a difference. 

The weather was dreary today. It was drizzling and chilly. It was not the kind of day to be cheerful about. I suppose you could say that it was a real autumn day in the worst sense. Today it's going to be a lot better and we'll even have some sunshine. I don't mind the cold as long as the sun is shining. I have grown quite attached to sunshine this fall. I've really learned to appreciate it after all the rain we had. 

The dog is trying to convince me that he needs to go out again. He knows just the kind of facial expression to make with that plea. I'm ignoring him for now. I'll wait and see how badly he really needs to go. Sometimes it's just an excuse to go out back and sniff all over the place because the cat has gone out there. 

I've got to think about going back to bed, but of course I'm wide awake now. I will start drinking cold milk and see if it will alter my brainwaves into a different pattern. A more 'go to sleep now' pattern. Sometimes it works. Milk seems to have that effect on me. It's nice if certain beverages alter your brain chemically. You don't have to rely on pills. 

Have a good night all of you.


Monday, October 24, 2011

Neither here nor there...

I'm actually a little sleepy and may not at all be in proper shape to write a blog post despite the cups of coffee I'm having. I'm occasionally yawning and longing for my bed just a little bit. I'll try to ignore that longing for now and enjoy the time I'm up. I'm having a good enough time other than that. 

I did enjoy reading all the other blogs and leaving comments on them. I may have taken too much time doing that and have used up all my energy. I can only stay up so many hours at midnight before I have to go back to bed to finish sleeping. I tell myself that the cup of coffee I'm having now will see me through writing this post. 

It sure does pack a punch because I made it strong enough to make my hair stand on end. I was overly optimistic when I added the ground coffee. Some nights I get like that and make it so strong that it makes my mouth pucker when I drink it. My stomach can handle that fairly well. Now that I'm not felled by a bug anymore, I can handle just about any cup of coffee. 

I went to sleep early, but was wakened by a stumbling and scratching sound. I didn't know where it came from, but the dog heard it too. We went to investigate and after walking around the apartment for a bit, we discovered that it came from my closet. When I opened the door, a very disoriented cat came out and she had been locked in there for quite some time. I had last put something away in the closet in the afternoon. 

She was very happy to be liberated and wanted a saucer of milk first and to go outside next. She didn't seem to have any hard feelings about having been locked up. The dog thought it was all very curious and investigated the bottom of the closet real well as if he thought about taking up residence there himself. I'm sure he would get claustrophobic immediately. It would not be a good idea. 

I spent the afternoon at my sister's house, sitting in the sunshine, drinking rooibos tea. It agreed with my stomach very well and I think it has healing properties. It and green tea seem to be two of the kindest things I can drink. They don't make me feel full or give me any other sort of uncomfortable feeling, nor do they make me burp. 

The sunshine was kind and benevolent and we sat there in the warmth of it soaking up every ray. We stayed out as long as we could. Today is going to be an equally nice day. We're living under the influence of a high pressure system. The temperatures aren't that high, but the sun shines all day and when you're in a sheltered spot, it's wonderful. We do seem to be blessed on the weekends.

I watched the rugby match final between New Zealand and France for the World Championship and as you probably know, New Zealand won, although France played very well and it could have gone either way. New Zealand had not won it for 24 years since the start of the Championship. I was rooting for either team. 

A lot of football was played and I watched the highlights of it, which I like better than watching the whole games. I do enjoy the commentaries so much, which are really understated. It's the cool Dutch way of everybody keeping their heads together. There's no screaming or yelling or other over exuberance. We are not like that.

I expect to get a phone call today to tell me that my glasses will be ready to be picked up. It will be today or tomorrow. That will make it exactly two weeks since I ordered them. I've waited long enough. 

I'm ready to go back to bed. It's the only place for me to be now. I have no business sitting here any longer. Since it's officially Monday, I do need to get some sleep in order to get up on time in the morning. 

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning when you get up. 


Saturday, October 22, 2011

It won't work...

I lived under the mistaken assumption that I could function on just one cup of heated up coffee and I turned out to be wrong. It doesn't work at all. It's like there's no caffeine left in it after it has been sitting for a few hours and it has been heated up again. It's a cheap and easy way to try and get your kicks. 

I'm making proper coffee now and in a moment I'm going to have a real cup of it. Then I'll really start functioning and not sit here like this bleary eyed woman that I am in the middle of the night. The old coffee was poured down the drain where it belonged and where it should have gone in the first place. Good riddance. 

Since it's already officially Saturday, I should be in a festive mood and I'll try and remember to be that right now. I must put on a party hat, except that I think I have no such item in the apartment. I don't have a lampshade that will fit either. I will have to give expression to my happy mood in an other way. 

Actually, the place I really belong is my bed. I got woken up prematurely by the dog again who licked me awake because he had to go out. I don't mind being woken up like that, but I was sound asleep. It was pleasant, however, to cool off my sweaty body in the cool night air by the back door. 

As Johan Cruyff says: every disadvantage has its advantage. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday. 


Friday, October 21, 2011

Moving in ever smaller circles...

For some reason I'm totally indifferent to the fact that today is Friday. Really, any day of the week would be alright with me. I have no preference right now. All the days of the week seem to go by smoothly and one day is not actually that much different than the other. 

Today will have its own interesting elements, but none of these will be earth shattering or mind blowing. My life never does take drastic turns like that and I guess I prefer it that way. I certainly don't want too much excitement. A little bit of that would be more than enough. 

I suppose I would like a few highlights besides taking the dog for brisk walks in the cold autumn air. Those in themselves are a pleasure, of course. The weather is perfect right now and it is a joy to be outside warmly dressed. There's enough sunshine to make me cheerful and the dog gallivants around happily too.

I guess I would like a trip downtown with my sister to pick up my glasses, but the optician hasn't called to tell me they're ready to be picked up yet. I will have to wait patiently. I would also like a visit to the hairdresser, but my next appointment isn't until two weeks from now, so that's something I can't look forward to right now. That's something for later.

The Exfactor and the domestic help are going to be here today, so that's going to put some restrictions on my movements. They will both be here for good causes, so I shouldn't complain about it. And I wasn't about to. I guess the nice thing about Friday is that some necessary things do get done and that gets me ready for the weekend. 

I'm starting to yawn and I'll have to go back to bed. First I'll take my medicines because it's almost morning. I like for them to already work when I get up again. It makes the waking up process easier. I also don't have to worry about what time I get up. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Intelligent life...

Tonight I was smart and made coffee immediately instead of waiting until the need became unbearable. I wasn't about to assume that I could function without a cup or two. I do have to add that I was in a good mood the moment I opened my eyes. I ever so cheerfully stepped out of bed and almost as cheerfully made a pot of coffee. 

Doing any kind of a chore is always a bit of a bother because of the potential frustration factor. I did it flawlessly, however. Maybe the problem is that I do want to do it flawlessly. I must worry too much about the potential mishaps, such as spilled ground coffee and too much water in the machine. Aha, the psychology of making coffee. It does need some looking into. 

Then, of course, the dog had to go out back. Not once, but twice. I stood out in the very cold night air by the back door and looked at the stars and tried to find the Big Dipper. I think I may have seen it, but I can't be sure. I'm not well informed enough. It could have been the Little Dipper. When I went out the second time, it had moved behind the roof line. 

I found out yesterday that my therapist had had the same stomach bug I have been battling, so at least I know the source of my illness. She had it a week before I did. She also reported on the long stubborn nature of it. I feel that I'm getting back to normal, although I'm saying that with some hesitation because every time I make that claim, my stomach acts up again. 

I've been sleeping a lot and can't seem to get enough of it. My bed is one of my favorite places to be, especially when I have the heater on and the apartment is nice and warm. My excuse is that I'm getting over being sick, but I just may be hibernating in the cold weather. I'm warmly dressed when I take the dog for a walk and don't stay out there too long. Yesterday on my bike, I should have worn gloves. 

I'm going back to bed to sleep under the warm duvet. I've got many hours left to sleep. No doubt the animals will join me to get their share of the warmth and comfort. 

Have a good night.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What not to do...

I tried to sit here and function without having a cup of coffee, but my mind refused to move out of neutral while I kept revving the engine with the hand break on. That sounds awfully complicated and I don't even know if that's technically possible. I always used to drive an automatic and that's a long time ago. 

Maybe I should add: don't try this at home unsupervised.

Well anyway, I do have a very strong cup of coffee now and it's made me as alert as I can get. It's making my toes curl in their socks and I don't know if I wanted the effect to be quite that hefty. I accidentally made the coffee quite a bit stronger than I had intended. Now I'm stuck with the consequences. It's always feast or famine here.

I've already been asleep, but I woke up in a sweat. My T-shirt was sticking to my chest. I was not aware of having done anything strenuous during my sleep, nor had I been having any bad dreams, so I'll blame it on hormones. I must have some errant ones coursing through my body. And then there are those thyroid hormones I take every day. No doubt there are ups and downs all day and night. 

There is the matter of there being no rest for the wicked and when I can't sleep, I think I must be very wicked indeed. Especially when I wake up in a sweat because is that not the sign of a guilty conscience? Maybe I was very badly behaved in a former life and it's come to haunt me now. It would be helpful if I knew what sins I committed just to avoid the pitfalls. 

I did nothing of interest all day. The most exciting thing I did was make a shopping list so the Exfactor could do the groceries. And the shopping list was very boring because every food on there was very bland to take into account the state of my stomach. I did find out that vanilla pudding agrees with it well. This led to an over consumption of it and I still feel very full. I feel like a sloth. Isn't slothfulness a deadly sin? 

I must make myself go back to bed. Even wicked people need their sleep. I've got an appointment with my therapist in the morning. I must be well rested for it.

I wish you a good night.


Wakefulness during the midnight hours...

It's only normal that I'm awake now. After all, what else should I be doing in the middle of the night? God forbid I should sleep like normal people do. That would be unheard of and it would be an unimaginable act. I may wish for it to happen, but that's like wishing for the Titanic not to have sunk. It would be a miracle in the annals of history. Not that I put that much importance on myself. 

I always make the best of it and enjoy these hours as much as I can. When handed lemons, I make lemonade. Actually, I think that is one of the things my stomach couldn't handle right now. It would go into a major uproar if I tried to drink that. 

But making these midnight hours as pleasant as possible is my goal. I'm not going to sit here in a state of dejection because I'm not asleep like I'm supposed to be. I know there will always be enough time to sleep and that in the end I will not suffer a shortage of it. That's the benefit of my lifestyle. I do decide when I can take a nap to catch up on it. I do love my afternoon naps, after all.

I'm sitting here with my funky reading glasses from the drugstore on. They are really not so very good and I have to be an exact distance away from the screen in order to be able to see the words properly. But then again, they are probably not the right strength and they were cheap. 

I'm expecting much improvement when I get my varifocals, although I have no idea what kind of experience that will be. I imagine that I'll have to peek through the bottom part of the lenses while I tilt my head in order to see right, but maybe it's not all that bad. That's one of the reasons why I'm impatient to have them. I'm imagining too many different scenarios right now. I bet none of them will be the right one. 

Trying to drink a glass of cold milk now is only partially agreeing with me. My stomach is protesting a bit. It doesn't quite want to co-operate yet. I was awfully thirsty and wanted something nice and cold. It's hard to figure out what to eat or drink. The chicken soup that I had last night settled well and it's the first real food I ate that stayed down. I will have it again tonight and every night until my stomach is completely better. However long that will take. 

I will go back to bed. I can sit here forever and write all sorts of nonsense about whatever enters my head. It is time to get some sleep however. I do have a comfortable bed to go to. It's not the bed fit for a queen that I'd like to have, but it will do for now.

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning when you get up. 


Monday, October 17, 2011

Almost cured at last...

My cup of coffee tastes especially nice now in the middle of the night and it's the second one I'm drinking. And no, my stomach is not in an uproar because of it. It is behaving quite normally, almost as if it is completely back to normal, although there are still some odd noises emanating from it. I just pretend it's practicing behaving like a regular stomach again. 

So, I'm very cheered that I get to have my cup of coffee and right now I think that all is well with the world. I can claim happiness and contentment for at least a little while. I'll actually try to make it last for as long as the night and day are long. That shouldn't be too hard to do. I don't expect anything to stand in my way. I do feel that I must choose the side of optimism. The glass is half full. 

It's an amazing thing that you have to be miserable to really appreciate what you've got, but that's how I feel right now. I'm so relieved that I have been able to drink and eat a few things again, that my whole disposition has been affected by it. I'm grateful that my stomach is healing and that it's not permanently going to cause me problems. 

I was very concerned about that and it's an enormous relief to find it getting better now. I suppose there's nothing like good health and even the threat of bad health is enough to put a scare into you. Imagine if something had been seriously wrong and how that would have affected me. I mustn't think about it. It would have been a huge burden to live with and my heart goes out to the people who have to.

Yesterday was a seriously nice day. The weather was wonderful and the sun was out all day in a bright blue sky. Luckily, I really got to appreciate it because my sister and I sat outside the front of her house in the sunshine in the afternoon and even got some color. We stayed there until it was time for me to go home. Her house sits on a sheltered street and we weren't bothered by the wind. It didn't interfere until I got on my bike and rode it home.

I did chores on and off while watching sports on TV and I've been watching the rugby championship that's being played in New Zealand. I'm becoming more knowledgeable about rugby and what a good and tough sport it is. I still don't understand all of the rules, but I'm learning. 

The Netherlands won the world championship baseball competition. We beat Cuba to do it. We do feel a certain amount of pride at that. It was a big deal over here and it is hoped that even more kids will start playing baseball now. A lot of our players come from the Dutch Antilles where baseball is a big sport. We have an American coach who speaks Dutch very well. 

Of course, there was the football competition and I do give a running commentary on that with the dog as my single audience member. He does look at me funny as he tries to decipher what I'm talking about. I do very clearly state my opinions. It's a good thing that there's no one else here to get into an argument with. Yesterday, during one game, I would have handed out many more red cards than the referee did. 

Still, I managed to change the bed and do the laundry. At least one load of it. The second one is for today. It was pleasant to get into a clean bed last night. I think the dog appreciated it too because he very cozily cuddled up to me. For a change the cat wasn't around to hog all the attention and he was happy about that. He didn't have to bother chasing her off the bed anyway. 

I must get ready to go back to bed now because today is Monday and duty will be calling this morning. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Getting back to normal...

It was with some relief that I got up a while ago and realized it was Sunday and not a weekday like I initially thought. I'm more than ready to have another day off. I'm not nearly ready for the week to start and I still need to change the sheets on the bed. 

I feel that I wasted Friday and Saturday being sick to my stomach and I really want to enjoy today being not so. I had a rice dish to eat last night and it agreed with me amazingly well. This gives me hope for future foods. I may be able to start eating more normal soon. 

Next Tuesday, when the Exfactor goes grocery shopping, I will put some innocuous food items on the list and hope for the best. With a little bit of luck, they will be things that agree with me well. I'm thinking of rice and pastas and puddings.

I'm drinking a cup of coffee and it's not putting my stomach in an uproar. I've got no heartburn anyway. And the caffeine is making me feel good, so what more could I ask for? But I can only have one cup of coffee. A second one would be pushing my luck. 

Getting off the caffeine is not such a bad thing. I was too dependent on it to get myself started and now I have to do more of it on my own. I found out that I really only need the one cup and not several like I thought I did. It's great to get a caffeine kick, but it's not necessary. 

I've switched to cold milk now and even that I've got to drink carefully and slowly. I can only take small sips and not drink too much of it. I'm undecided if milk even agrees with me. I have serious doubts about it, but I like it a lot and I hope it does. I may end up having to drink plain tap water and nothing else. 

This afternoon I'm seeing my sister and we will be able to sit outside in the garden. The weather has been very nice this weekend and sunny all around. The temperatures aren't all that high, but the sun makes up for a lot if you are in a sheltered place.

I've got to go back to bed now so that I'll be able to get up at a decent time in the morning. There will be a few chores to do and a stomach to tend to. I will have to treat it kindly and give it something good to eat. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend and that your weather is treating you right. 


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Don't want to feel like that...

Going on this drastically new diet has not been a good idea. It has not worked out well at all. It turns out that all the things I started eating did not agree with me and gave me a stomachache and very bad heartburn. I also could not drink coffee or tea, not even if it was green tea or rooibos. Everything that I had to eat or drink was a disaster. 

As a result, I was pretty miserable yesterday and the antacid tablets weren't working. I spent a lot of time in bed lying there as quietly as I could, barely moving. I was hungry, but couldn't eat. Finally, I called the Exfactor and asked him to bring me some milk, as I thought that was going to be the only thing that was going to save me. 

He was over soon with two packs of it and I very carefully started drinking it and over the course of the evening my stomach started to settle down. Good enough so that I could go to sleep for a while. I'm up again now having some more milk. I really want a cup of coffee, but am afraid to have one. I don't want to upset my stomach again.

I'm going off the new diet immediately and going back to the dairy based one. Meat and fruits and vegetables don't agree with me. That much is obvious. I've seldom been so uncomfortable. It was an adventure I don't want to have again any time soon.

I've dared make a cup of coffee after all and put lots of milk in it. So far, so good. And it tastes delicious too and it's just what I needed. I hadn't had a cup since early yesterday morning. As you know by now, I'm not myself without my cups of coffee. It pleases me very much that I can drink this one and feel so good as a result of it. 

Today is Saturday and the day to do with as I please. I was afraid it was going to be a day spent suffering from heartburn, but now it looks like it is maybe not going to be. Thank goodness for small favors. For big favors, I should say. I will appreciate the day all the more for feeling good and not take it for granted. 

The first thing I'm hopefully going to do is sleep late because I'm in need of that after yesterday. It wasn't exactly a restful day. It was sort of an anxious day. Some cultural programs and some sports on TV will be nice too. No doubt I will not have to do without them. I envision a day of leisure and that's what I'll probably get. 

I hope you're all having a good night, or a good day, whichever time zone you're in.


Friday, October 14, 2011

Getting colder...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm sitting here acting like I'm awake, which I may not quite be.  I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to get done so I can have some much needed caffeine. I'm only half the woman I can be without it. Never let it be said that I can function without my cup of coffee because it isn't so. I need it like flowers need rain.

I can't believe today is Friday again. The week has flown by. It seems like only yesterday since I started out so cheerfully. At least, that's how I remember me starting. It went by very quickly anyway and I think I got enough done. It was a full week by my standards. The most fun was picking out my new glasses, although I now have to wait a while before I get to wear them. 

We've gone from wet, windy weather to the cold, sunny kind. Yesterday I had to close the windows and turn on the heater because the dog started shivering from the cold. I can't have that. I did feel awfully sorry for him and am thinking about buying him a sweater at the pet store. I think he's too naked in his newly trimmed fur. 

I've got heartburn and I'm not a happy camper. I've had it ever since I had ketchup with my dinner last night. I hadn't eaten it in a very long time and it didn't agree with me at all. I've been chewing antacid tablets and now I've only got one left. The coffee isn't really agreeing with me either. What I really need is something very soothing. I'll just have to drink water, although I wonder if drinking some sort of tea would be better.

I've got to go back to bed. It isn't nearly time to stay up yet and I've got some hours left to sleep. Going back to bed in the middle of the night is always a pleasure because it's when I do my best sleeping. It's when I'm no longer dependent on my sleeping pill. 

It's a short post, but that's all I've got in me right now. Blame my stomach's  discomfort. 

I hope you will all have a nice day once you are up and about. 


Thursday, October 13, 2011

No, not writing that...

In order not to write down any nonsense, I'll have to severely censor myself. I sometimes have no business writing a post and when I do, I have to edit it better and leave out half of what I put down because it is sheer poppycock. Having established that, I will now very carefully try to write a halfway decent post that's not full of malarkey.

It's late at night and I'm sitting here in my pajamas with my cup of coffee and my cigarette. I really need to check if my bathrobe is dry after I had washed it because I'm a little bit chilled. I will do that shortly after I have finished this cup of coffee. It's the little comforts that make life worth living and a warm bathrobe is one of them. It's good not to take that for granted. 

I am now having a long moment of sheer contentment and happiness for no apparent reason at all, except that all is well with the world. All is well with my world. All the ingredients are in place to make it so and I do feel that I have to mention it. I feel a total absence of stress and anxiety and can only count myself lucky for what I feel instead and I appreciate the contentment even more than the happiness. 

In the meantime, I've put on my bathrobe and it smells of washing powder and is warm and comfortable. It envelops me completely and reaches down to my ankles. What more could I ask for? 

The dog is gently snoring on the sofa and it sounds very cozy. He was trimmed yesterday and is only a shadow of his former self. He does look awfully cute and his eyes look twice as big in his new short haired appearance. He hasn't shivered yet and doesn't seem bothered by the loss of all his fur. Hopefully, it will not get too cold for a while and he will get the chance to grow back some of it before winter comes. I will not have him trimmed again now until early springtime. 

My appointment with my new therapist went well, although I didn't have much to talk about. I think I need to be a little more forthcoming. I will be as I get more comfortable with her. She's a very kind woman and I have no reason not to trust her, but it will take me a while to get used to her. I will slowly let her in on my life. Little by little. 

The Exfactor and I did the groceries yesterday and that was a huge success. I had made a list of things I wanted to get and it was quite different than it had been in the past because I'm changing my diet so drastically. That's why I had to go to the store myself, to see what was available for me to eat. I basically had to stock up on some things and get fresh fruit. 

I got some very good plums, one to eat every day because that's all I can handle with my gastric band. At least, if I do want to eat other food too. I had a small dish of Mexican rice for lunch and a beef patty cooked in butter for dinner. That was delicious, but I still feel full now, hours later. 

Today will be a fairly quiet day as Thursdays usually are. It's raining now, but the weather should improve during the day. I only have a few chores to do, but if the weather allows it, I will take the dog for a long walk.

I'm going to bed now to lie under the warm duvet. I hope you'll all have a good night. 


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

If you're happy, clap you hands...

I'm up much earlier than I was planing to be, but that does mean that I'll get enough sleep still before I have to get up to get ready for my appointment with my therapist. I'll be able to get up on time to drink coffee, get dressed and walk the dog leisurely before I have to leave. I'll not have to rush and that's my kind of planning. 

I do hate having to do things at the very last minute without having a chance to contemplate my navel. There always has to be some time for contemplation. I need to pull my thoughts together and remember who I am. And most importantly, to find out what mood I'm in, although it's usually the same one each morning. I do like to double check. 

Last week my appointment was canceled. I was in the bathroom getting ready when the secretary called to say that the therapist was sick. And I almost didn't answer that phone call. That was to have been my first official appointment, so now today's will be. I'm more than ready for it, but basically I feel good and have nothing to complain about. That's nice for a change too. It will get us off to a good start. 

Yesterday morning my sister came and picked me up to go to the optician downtown. We parked the car at the garage and walked to the optician in the little street it was in. It wasn't very busy downtown like it can be sometimes. That was kind of a relief. It was a joy to walk through the streets on the cobblestones and have room to move. 

Once at the shop, it took me only a short time to pick out the glasses that I wanted with the help of my sister and the optician. I only tried on a few before I found them. They are a nice modern looking pair, but I do have to say that there was a good selection to choose from. 

Then I had to have my eyes checked and it seems that this wasn't done properly in the past because the optician came out with different values than I had before. The last time my eyes were checked, they weren't checked by an optician, but by a co-worker who had a college education and a diploma. He wasn't a true optician. 

I had my eyes checked for both far away and up close and my astigmatism. We tried the lenses out for close by and I will be able to read very well. It will make quite a bit of difference compared to those cheap reading glasses I had been getting at the drugstore. 

The lenses for my new glasses have to be specially ordered and they should be ready within two weeks, so that's how long I have to be patient. From that point on I will be wearing them all the time and not once in a great while. Vanity will not get the better of me. Besides, I look good with these on.

My sister and I did a little bit of shopping afterwards and much window shopping. We saw all sorts of clothes and boots that we would liked to have had. We were good and didn't spend any crazy money. 

I did buy the vitamins and minerals that I need to augment my diet and started taking those yesterday. I think the vitamin B-complex is especially important because it's good for your nervous system. I think I can use some help there.

I've been faithfully applying baby lotion to my face every day and it is making my skin softer and less wrinkly. I've been sitting in front of the magnifying mirror when I apply it and it is ruthless. I may as well face the truth. 

It's time for me to go back to bed. I've got hours left to sleep. It will be oh so warm under the duvet. I've got the radio off now and sleep in silence. At least my dreams are not influenced by it anymore. They are all my own. It does make a difference. They are not so confused like they were. 

I hope you're all having a good night.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Tripping lights fantastic...

No, I'm not really going to, it just seemed like an interesting post title. I couldn't think of anything else and this one was stuck in my head. Now that I've used it, it won't bother me again. 

I woke up feeling very good and I was happy to open my eyes. Anticipation tingled through my body, but I don't know what for. I was struck by giddiness all by myself for no reason at all. It sure was a pleasant feeling. 

I'm more sedated now that I've sat here for a while and read some other people's blogs. That will get your head on straight. Of course, drinking a cup of coffee will too. It works as well as taking any kind of pill. 

I stopped drinking milk yesterday morning and have been drinking green tea with lemon since then. Not pots of it certainly. Just enough of it to quench my thirst in tall glasses with just enough sugar to make it a little sweet. 

My stomach feels better for not drinking the milk and is not in an uproar anymore. Hopefully soon the soreness will disappear. It dawned on me that I had not tolerated milk for quite some time, but I had been drinking so much of it that I had gotten used to an upset stomach. 

I am changing my diet drastically and will be eating beef, fruits, vegetables and rice and taking certain vitamins and food supplements. This will be in an effort to get my whole body healthy. I think I may be suffering from some anemia causing me to get very dizzy on occasion. 

Tomorrow, I will go to the grocery store with the Exfactor to pick out the kind of foods that I want. I want to have a good look around and see what's available. I have no idea what kind of fruits there will be now and how expensive they will be.  

Today I will be going to the optician with my sister to have my eyes tested and to pick out my new glasses. I'm very excited about this because I hope I find the right pair. They will be covering my face from some point on soon and it's important that they look good. 

I have some idea of what I want and I hope I find what I'm looking for. I do have expectations. I have been thinking about them for some time and paying attention to the kind of glasses that I see advertised. I saw some that I really liked and I hope that I will find some like it at this optician. 

I have to go back to bed and finish sleeping. I have to set the alarm clock to get up early this morning. I have to be wide awake soon enough for my sister to come and pick me up. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.


Monday, October 10, 2011

Scribbling down the words...

I'm having a nice enough time sitting here in the middle of the night with my usual cup of coffee and my cigarette. Isn't it just the perfect scenario for me? I couldn't ask for a better setting. It's as if all the items are set in place and I fit in with them perfectly. 

I fill my niche completely. All I have to do is get up and make coffee and sit down in my desk chair behind the computer. The rest happens almost by itself. I'm a single middle aged woman with a set routine that will probably never change. And I like it. 

All that will happen is that I'll slowly grow older, but I'll ignore that for now. Maybe if I don't pay close enough attention, I won't notice it, although I must say that I've gotten used to looking into the magnifying mirror that I've just gotten into my possession and it tells me a different story. 

In it I see many wrinkles when I apply the soothing Zwitsal baby lotion to my face. But then I tell myself that no one else ever sees me quite like that and turn the mirror over to the normal view. That's much less painful. I'll have to remember to not get up close and too personal with anyone. 

The one comfort that I do have is that all the wrinkles in my face are laugh lines and are caused by me smiling or laughing a lot. I can't think of a better reason for them to be there. That's so much better than having a droopy face and the furrows that go with that. 

I've remembered to put my bathrobe into the washing machine and it is now waiting for a full load that I can wash. I'm sitting here in my warm, gray, oversized cardigan which is mostly wool and keeps me warm too. 

For a change, I'm wearing a matching set of pajamas because I reorganized the stack of matched and mismatched pairs of them.  I didn't even know what I owned anymore and was surprised to find the matching pair. I've also organized my tank tops and T-shirts.

Sometimes you can look at a semi-mess for a long time and grow so used to it that you forget to do anything about it until one day it dawns on you that you can and that it's relatively simple to. All you have to do is wrap you mind around it. 

I now have three neat stack of clothes on my shelf system and it's fairly simple to keep them that way, providing my domestic help doesn't get it in her head to reorganize them. She does have an independent mind sometimes and does things that are beyond my logic. 

Yesterday was a good enough day, although it was cold and dreary and it rained for part of it. It wasn't exactly cheerful weather. I had to postpone walking the dog in the evening and he was kind of put out about that because he thought we weren't going at all. 

Luckily, when he despaired, it stopped raining and we took a romp around the fields. Today it's going to be a little bit warmer, but it will only be temporary and tomorrow it will be wet and cold again. The dampness is really the worst. The cold is not bad and it would be great if there were sunshine.

I'm going to sit in my armchair for a while now and read. It's not nearly dawn yet and I have lots of time left. The day is my oyster. Hopefully there will be enough excitement in it. I'm more than ready for some. I'll have to make it as interesting as I can. I'll make sure I'm up to the challenge. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.


Sunday, October 09, 2011

Testing the nighttime waters...

I got up about an hour ago and have been reading blogs and drinking coffee since then. I'm afraid I'm super honest in any comments I leave and think that sometimes I'm a little too harsh. That's how I am in the middle of the night. I tend to see things for what they are and I find it difficult to be super polite. I hope I'm forgiven for that. Hopefully people know me well enough to take what I say with a grain of salt. Maybe I worry too much about it and it isn't as bad as I think it is. We will see. 

I'm drinking my last cup of coffee now before I'm switching to cold milk and then I can have that wonderful burping experience and noisy stomach. My daughter told me that, since I'm a blood type O-positive person, I should not drink any milk at all. I can well believe it, since it never seems to agree with me, but I love it so much. I'm addicted to it, but aren't you often to the things that are bad for you? 

I may have to rethink my diet completely because it seems I'm eating all the wrong things. This may explain some of the intestinal problems I'm having. I must eat more fruit and vegetables and even some meat. And also take some food supplements such as vitamin B12 and iron. That may explain the dizziness I so often get. Fish alone may not be the solution. 

Anyway, it's really very early in the morning and I'm feeling very hopeful about the day. It is Sunday, after all, and a day I usually enjoy a lot because it's the day on which I do chores and visit my sister. At this moment, I'm very much wide awake, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stay that way. I may get sleepy later on and have to go back to bed. We'll see. 

I've started reading 'The Joy Luck Club' and it's as good as I remember it without being boring because I've read it before. I've forgotten enough about it for it to be interesting. I do enjoy Amy Tan's style of writing which is very relaxed and intimate. You feel like she's written down the stories just for you. 

I went back to bed after I had sat in my armchair and read. I slept for a few hours and got up just in time for a package to be delivered. I was just going to change into my clothes when the intercom rang. I had ordered some new underwear on line and there were two cotton underwire bras from a brand I hadn't tried before, so I was eager to try them on. 

I know I am fortunate to be able to order bras on line and that women usually have a heck of a time buying them. These fit perfectly with a small adjustment of the shoulder straps. The fact that they are cotton makes them very comfortable to wear. They look nice and also look good under my tight fitting tops. I do love wearing a good looking bra. It makes me feel special and I deserve that. Heck, any woman deserves a good bra. 

I think I'll go change the sheets on my bed in case I decide to go back to it some time this morning. It will be great to get in between clean ones. It's time for the duvet cover with the little red roses. First I'll take my medicines to get off to a good start. Then nothing can stand in the way of a good day. 

Enjoy your Sunday, no matter what the weather is like. 


Saturday, October 08, 2011

Tricky ways...

The dog has tricky ways to wake me up. First he licks my face and neck and if that doesn't work (because I fake sleep), he gently starts to bark at me. He knows I can't ignore him then. He's very satisfied with himself when I get up. As if he is congratulating himself on a job well done. He goes straight to sleep on the sofa when he knows I'm sufficiently awake and there's not another peep out of him. 

Isn't he a smart dog? And he does all of that for a bit of watchful company. I think he's got my number and he's speed dialing me in the middle of the night. I'll have to cut down on some of his privileges or I'll have to change my number. 

It's damp and cold and rainy outside. I finally had to close the windows and even turn on the heater. That's how uncomfortable I got. I hated to give in to this urge, but there was no other choice. I was just plain old cold. I think it's the dampness that really got to me. It chilled me to the bone and I couldn't get warm enough.  Now I'm luxuriating in the warmth of the apartment. It is very pleasant after having been so uncomfortable. 

It's been raining off and on since early yesterday morning. Sometimes it came down in buckets and it was impossible to go walk the dog. He sat in front of the window along with the cat and together they watched the rain come down. They were united in their fascination with it. They do have to have some distraction from bothering each other. 

I'm going to be reading 'The Joy Luck Club' by Amy Tan. I've read it before, but have fond memories of it and that's the kind of book I need. I have some other books by her and hopefully this one will get me in the mood to read those. I'm looking forward to it anyway. It's been a long enough time since I read 'The Joy Luck Club' that I've forgotten a lot about it and it should capture my imagination all over again. I'm going to sit in my armchair in a little while and start on it. 

Since today is Saturday, I can do with the day as I please. I can sleep when I want and read when I want and watch TV when I want. As long as I walk the dog regularly there's no problem. I'm allowing myself that kind of a day off. Doubtlessly, I'll do a chore or two. I never fail to. But it won't be anything big. It doesn't have to be anyway because the domestic help was here yesterday and she took care of most things.

Right, I'm off to start my book. It will be nice to sit in my armchair and read with a cup of tea. It will warm my insides. I'll go back to bed later.

Have a nice day.


Friday, October 07, 2011

The starry sky...

I stood outside by the back door in the cold night air and looked at the starry sky and it made me wish I was in the countryside where I would have been able to see many more stars. That made me wish I was camping in the desert by a campfire, drinking a cup of hot coffee and looking up at that sky. I would have worn very warm clothes and had a very warm sleeping bag for the cold desert night. 

Isn't it nice to have a fantasy like that? I can pretend it really happened having spent time in the deserts in New Mexico and California and having seen the night skies there. Thank goodness that I do have those experiences to fall back on. All I have to do is retrieve some of my memories and I'm there. They are the film fragments in my mind. They are stored there for the rest of my life. Even if I get demented I will remember them.

I hope to never get demented and lose my memories, although if I could selectively eliminate a few, I would gladly do that. There are some memories I have that seem to have no other function than to cause me heartache and I can do without them completely. I wish I could pick those out of my memory bank and delete them. Those are the ones that rear their ugly heads when I get depressed and when I have the least use for them. But I mustn't think about that now. I'm feeling good and it is time to only think of the better memories. 

Because of the open windows, there's a draft in the apartment and I think it's rather pleasant. I feel the cool air moving around me ever so gently. I think it's very refreshing because, as usual, I like to feel just a little bit on the cool side in the middle of the night, as long as I'm wearing my warm bathrobe. My hands and feet are cold, but my nose is warm and I'm still drinking hot coffee. Outside there's a cold wind blowing. Because of the wind chill factor, it feels like it's 37F out there. Brrr...

I didn't get around to reading yesterday morning, so I haven't picked out a new book yet. I will have to do that today. I went back to bed and slept late because it was going to be an empty day pretty much. I managed to amuse myself doing nothing important at all and that's a real art too. It takes a certain amount of finesse. I've got to put some thought into choosing a book lest I get stuck with another boring one. I will not regain my love for reading in that case. I do leave bookmarks in the books that I leave unfinished in case I get in the mood for reading them again. 

I've got to decide what I'm going to do now. I'm either going back to bed or staying up to read. I do need the sleep, but I'm not quite ready for it yet. If I had cows to milk, I would go milk them now. And chickens to feed. I'll go look on the bookcase for an interesting book. Maybe it will jump out at me and grab me. 

Have a nice Friday all of you. 


Thursday, October 06, 2011

Definitely early in the morning...

I've had my coffee, so I'm more than alert enough and quite capable of writing a post. That is, providing I can think of enough interesting things to write about. It is always a bit of a problem so early in the morning when nothing much has taken place yet. I have to rely on my imagination and my memory of the day before, but with the caffeine in me that shouldn't really be all that difficult. It does jar my braincells into action. I haven't had a cup of coffee yet that doesn't have that effect. I've had two of them and that ought to do the job.

I was sitting here in my pajamas, but now that I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk, I've had to put on my bathrobe. It really should have been washed in the last load of laundry, but I was loathe to miss it for any length of time. It smells a bit stale and musky and I'm going to have to wash it anyway. There's no way around it. I'll have to wear my gray woolen cardigan if I get cold while I wait for my bathrobe to dry. That's not too bad either and it will keep me almost as warm. 

Last night I failed to finish watching an episode of 'Lewis.' It was interesting, but halfway through I started yawning. I thought about staying up and finishing watching it, but I started longing for my bed. In the end. I put my pajamas on and took my sleeping pill and was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. I think I put my head down on the pillow and was instantly asleep. 

I'll have to get off the sleeping pill. I'm going to have to slowly cut down. It's not that it really helps me sleep anyway. I do enough of that without it. I'll have to discuss this with my psychiatrist and do it under his guidance. It will be good to get off it because I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It's supposed to be a pretty powerful pill and it's best to do without it. I don't want to take anything that alters my state of mind like that. That is a barbiturate. I should be able to do this, just like I did with the tranquilizers. 

I don't have anything special on the program today. I can actually be as lazy as I want to be, but I'm not really in the mood for that. I'm going to have to try and think of some things to do, besides sleep late when I go back to bed. Thursday is always my day off and I usually don't have anything planned on that day. I must try and get a busier schedule. I should find something to occupy myself with in the long term. I'll have to make a commitment to something.

I've got to take my medicines and go back to bed. I'm not nearly done sleeping. Another possibility is that I'll sit in my armchair and drink tea and read for a while. I will have to find another book because I'm so not taken with the one I'm reading. It's turning into a chore to. That can't be the purpose of a relaxing activity. I'll have to look on the bookcase and see what books are left unread. I'm sure there are many to choose from. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.


Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Loving every minute of it...

I'm serenely seated here behind the computer in the middle of the night (or call it early in the morning) and I've just about had all the coffee I want to drink. It's time to switch to that old stand by, a glass of ice cold milk, to make me burp some. I'm almost used to the special effects and expect them now. It wouldn't be the same experience without them. So you see, you get used to any strange phenomenon as long as it's familiar. 

When I say I'm serene, I mean I have a fairly peaceful mind as I have had for a long while now. I went to bed with it and got up with it. As we say in the Netherlands, I fit into my skin well. I don't know where that saying came from, but it is widely used and it sounds more appealing in Dutch. We use the word 'lekker' which is untranslatable. Some words and concepts aren't, which is a shame because so much feeling is meant by them. 'Lekker' is everything that is good and then some.

I woke up writing a blog post in my head before I had even opened my eyes. I now don't remember what it was about, but I think it is funny that I'm so occupied with it in the middle of the night. Apparently, I'm immediately ready to go write one when I wake up. Maybe I dream about it while I'm asleep. It wouldn't surprise me, although I know it's mostly nonsense what I think of first. I do remember that much.

For a change it wasn't the dog who woke me up. I did it all on my own and I must have an internal alarm clock that tells me to get up at a certain time of the night. It's when I'm temporarily all done sleeping and I'm ready for some entertainment to interrupt my long night. I don't really mind this, but I wouldn't mind either sleeping all night and not waking up until the morning. It would be awfully nice to be woken up by the real alarm clock. I wouldn't mind having to set it before I went to bed.

It's funny how you learn to accept any kind of schedule as being normal simply because that's what you have gotten used to. In my former life, I used to sleep long and hard all night long and you would have had to shoot off a canon to wake me up. Now I sleep like I'm alert to the least little noise and I'm ready to get up for no reason at all. I do long for those deep, heavy sleeps of long ago. They were very restful.

At least I'm not comatose anymore when I wake up in the morning. That's a big blessing. I function fairly well. I'm more then capable of making a very decent pot of coffee and I don't have to drink the whole pot in order to get dressed and be ready to take the dog for a walk. And getting dressed is simple if the weather is cool and crisp and you know which clothes to put on. I always think that makes things much easier.

I've got to go back to bed and sleep a few more hours. I'm going to see my new therapist this morning for my first official appointment. I do want to be alert and fresh looking when I get there. I do want it to be a productive meeting. Wish me luck. 

Have an especially nice day in this autumnal weather.