Saturday, August 20, 2011

Black and white thinking...

I can't tell you anything much more exciting than that I've just taken the dog for a walk around the fields and that it's warm outside so it's not a good idea to dally around. It's much nicer to be in the relative coolness of the apartment, even though that's where the chores are that need to get done. 

However, I'm very good at ignoring them until the last minute and that's what I will do now. I'll close my eyes to anything that's unpleasant and only concentrate on what I see in my immediate sphere of influence. That limits the irritation input quite a bit and lowers the stress level. The fact that I've taken two tranquilizers a while ago also helps. 

As you can tell, I'm trying to make things as pleasant as possible for myself. That's because my mood is not all that great and hasn't been since yesterday evening, although it may have started going downhill before that time. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint the exact moment when it all collapses. 

I think it may have been in the afternoon when I unsuccessfully tried to take a nap and woke up grouchy. I've been trying to reset the gears in my mind ever since but I've been unable to yet. I think they need a good bang and a shaking to start working properly again. I think I've got stuck in the wrong attitude. 

The tranquilizers help tremendously and make me feel ever so much calmer than I really am. It's too bad that they don't reset the gears. They just soften the crunching noise of them. I'm grateful for them because they allow me to sit here so relatively serenely and write this post. In my present state of mind, I wish to take them always. 

They allow me to stay in the moment better and to not anticipate all sorts of future problems, be they only in the very near future, say an hour from now. Staying in the immediate moment is very pleasant. It takes away all sorts of free floating stress and freely flying about anxiety that hits you about the head at unforeseen moments. 

I have to try and get in better shape than this. I mean me without the tranquilizers. I have to try and get back to the condition I was in a few days ago when all was well with the world. I did have a general sort of optimism then. I didn't see the glass nearly empty like I do now. I saw the glass damn near full. 

I feel like I ought to write something very cheerful now. I'll tell you that the sun is shining and that there's not a cloud in the sky. How's that? 


1 comment:

Jo Beaufoix said...

It's so hard to be cheerful when you feel like you're just holding on. But sometimes forcing it a little does seem to help doesn't it? Give that dog a big squeeze and keep remembering that sunshine. Hugs. xx