Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I forgot...

It was 10:10 am this morning and the phone rang. It was my SPN who wanted to know where I was. I had completely forgotten our appointment. I told her I would get on my bike and be there in the shortest amount of time possible. Ten minutes later I was there. The traffic and the lights were in my favor and I rode my bike quickly, like a speed demon. I was only out of breath briefly when I got there, I recuperated very quickly. I'm in good shape. It was the second appointment in a row that I had forgotten. Luckily I was dressed and ready to go, because I had just walked the dog.

My SPN wanted to know why I kept forgetting our appointments, and I said that it fit in the general picture of how I felt lately and that my mind was not on the things that I should be concerned with, but had a tendency to wander off and go daydreaming. I've been forgetting more things lately and sometimes I'm not sure of what day it is. On Sunday, I was in doubt for a while and thought it was really Monday and that I forgot to go to my creative class. I also forgot to put out the trash for the second week in a row.

She asked me to update her on my present state of mind and I knew not how to describe it right. I said that I had some of the symptoms of a depression, but that I really didn't have a depression. She asked me to give myself a rating on a scale from 1 to 10 and I said a 5, which is not bad, and I think we only need to worry if it is a 4 or a 3. Normally I am a 7 and sometimes an 8. Sometimes, when I'm working on a painting, for instance, I'm a 7, though I should pay better attention and find out if that is really true or if that is just an assumption I am making. You can paint and be totally caught up in it and be sad at the same time too, of course. I'm really speaking of unknowns now.

I forget to check in with myself to see how I really am. A lot of times I'm unaware of my feelings, because I'm so used to ignoring and rejecting them. It may seem like I'm very much in touch with myself, but a lot of times my own state of mind is a mystery to me and I go about pretending to be one thing when I am something else. The fear factor that I have now does not come out of the blue and belongs to my present state of mind, which is not good, and I can only assume that some sort of underlying slumbering depression is at the root of it. The problems I'm running into now are very familiar to me and I have had this many times in my life and these feelings of helplessness have always been accompanied by a depression. The medication may prevent me from getting a full blown one, but I still get the symptoms. Call it a low grade depression.

Isn't it nice how I diagnose myself? I am my own best expert. I only need monitoring, I can be my own therapist. Well no, not really. Sometimes I do need someone else's expertise. If only to acknowledge my findings and to keep track of me so that nothing really bad is going to happen to me. And everybody needs a sounding board to hear their own ideas echoed off from and input from the other person so you don't walk down the wrong path too long.

Anyway, I'm sitting here now waiting for the Exfactor to show up, even though I have no idea if he will, but he usually does on Tuesdays. Of course, if I were to call him, he'd probably be out riding his bike somewhere in the countryside like he does a lot of times, communing with nature.

I will try and get some housework done today and I'll do it at a real easy pace and not rush myself, but take my time and pretend the day is endless and that I have no deadline, which I really don't. It doesn't matter if not everything gets done today. I must sweep the floors, because Jesker has shed some hair and there is lots of grit from I know not where. I don't want to be a slave to my household, but I think there's no danger of that. I have not been paying a lot of attention to it and have ignored a lot of chores. Some of them I will do today, but I don't want to feel any aggravation and irritation because of it. It's not worth it.

I'm wearing all black clothes with my brown shit kicking boots and a green shawl and matching bracelets. I'm dressed for serious business. The only thing is, that I forgot to put on make up this morning, so I'm facing the world with a naked face, but I don't care. I'll take it on anyway. If it becomes too much, I'll take a nap, that's how I deal with that!

Have a good day!



Babaloo said...

Ooops! Glad you still made it to the appointment, though.
And who needs make up to face the world?!?!?!

Maggie May said...

I gave up make up for every day, some time ago & only use it for special occasions now. I don't seem to worry & doubt other do either.

Was amazed that your SPN noticed your absence. I am sure over here no one would bother for weeks. Glad you got there OK.

You obviously know yourself better than anyone else.
Hope you are having a good day.X

Nuts in May

Breakfast in California said...

I consider not wearing makeup as letting my skin breathe.

Having trouble picturing you in black!

Wisewebwoman said...

maybe a big calendar on your wall with even everyday stuff marked on it?
that's what I do, my head's like a sieve and I get so caught up in other stuff.

powdergirl said...

Ciao Bella,
You don't need cosmetics to face the world, you've got schtutzpa!

And I think I like that outfit you're wearing: )

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Lucky you were dressed and able to just fly out of the house like that.

There's a program here called "Experts by experience" where people with mental health issues give talks to medical students and practitioners to help them understand what it's like living with mental illness. In truth no-one can know what it's like to be in someone else's head.

It definitely helps to share what's in your head with other people. "Touching base" as the Americans call it is very grounding. It's special when someone else really does "get it", really understands where you are, because that's quite rare in real life. In some way it is actually easier to find people on-line who understand, but I suppose that is just because you are potentially reaching a much larger number of people. And also blogging cuts straight to the point whereas real life socialising doesn't often allow you to speak the truth.

I am very bad at getting chores done. Hope you managed to get a few done yourself without too much stress.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Gail said...

I never wear makeup although I had a dream hubby was wearing makeup...wonder what that meant?

The Artful Eye said...

Where have all your wonderful works of art been hiding? I love your paintings and collages. It appears that you are enjoying the process. I hope that you will find more comfort and joy in creating. These works are really wonderful and I can only imagine how much courage it took to post these images. Congratulations!

You should be very proud. Take care of yourself.

Kate Morris said...

Sorry to be nosey but what is a spn appointment..

AIso maybe wearing something coIourfuI wouId cheer you up..rather than bIack.

Anonymous said...

I think it is nice how you are able to diagnose yourself. Perhaps we are all capable of forgetting what day it is sometimes though, I know I am!

CJ xx

Maureen said...

Yes, good thing you were dressed. It must have made you feel good for her to remember and contact you!