Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It was 10:10 am this morning and the phone rang. It was my SPN who wanted to know where I was. I had completely forgotten our appointment. I told her I would get on my bike and be there in the shortest amount of time possible. Ten minutes later I was there. The traffic and the lights were in my favor and I rode my bike quickly, like a speed demon. I was only out of breath briefly when I got there, I recuperated very quickly. I'm in good shape. It was the second appointment in a row that I had forgotten. Luckily I was dressed and ready to go, because I had just walked the dog.
My SPN wanted to know why I kept forgetting our appointments, and I said that it fit in the general picture of how I felt lately and that my mind was not on the things that I should be concerned with, but had a tendency to wander off and go daydreaming. I've been forgetting more things lately and sometimes I'm not sure of what day it is. On Sunday, I was in doubt for a while and thought it was really Monday and that I forgot to go to my creative class. I also forgot to put out the trash for the second week in a row.
She asked me to update her on my present state of mind and I knew not how to describe it right. I said that I had some of the symptoms of a depression, but that I really didn't have a depression. She asked me to give myself a rating on a scale from 1 to 10 and I said a 5, which is not bad, and I think we only need to worry if it is a 4 or a 3. Normally I am a 7 and sometimes an 8. Sometimes, when I'm working on a painting, for instance, I'm a 7, though I should pay better attention and find out if that is really true or if that is just an assumption I am making. You can paint and be totally caught up in it and be sad at the same time too, of course. I'm really speaking of unknowns now.
I forget to check in with myself to see how I really am. A lot of times I'm unaware of my feelings, because I'm so used to ignoring and rejecting them. It may seem like I'm very much in touch with myself, but a lot of times my own state of mind is a mystery to me and I go about pretending to be one thing when I am something else. The fear factor that I have now does not come out of the blue and belongs to my present state of mind, which is not good, and I can only assume that some sort of underlying slumbering depression is at the root of it. The problems I'm running into now are very familiar to me and I have had this many times in my life and these feelings of helplessness have always been accompanied by a depression. The medication may prevent me from getting a full blown one, but I still get the symptoms. Call it a low grade depression.
Isn't it nice how I diagnose myself? I am my own best expert. I only need monitoring, I can be my own therapist. Well no, not really. Sometimes I do need someone else's expertise. If only to acknowledge my findings and to keep track of me so that nothing really bad is going to happen to me. And everybody needs a sounding board to hear their own ideas echoed off from and input from the other person so you don't walk down the wrong path too long.
Anyway, I'm sitting here now waiting for the Exfactor to show up, even though I have no idea if he will, but he usually does on Tuesdays. Of course, if I were to call him, he'd probably be out riding his bike somewhere in the countryside like he does a lot of times, communing with nature.
I will try and get some housework done today and I'll do it at a real easy pace and not rush myself, but take my time and pretend the day is endless and that I have no deadline, which I really don't. It doesn't matter if not everything gets done today. I must sweep the floors, because Jesker has shed some hair and there is lots of grit from I know not where. I don't want to be a slave to my household, but I think there's no danger of that. I have not been paying a lot of attention to it and have ignored a lot of chores. Some of them I will do today, but I don't want to feel any aggravation and irritation because of it. It's not worth it.
I'm wearing all black clothes with my brown shit kicking boots and a green shawl and matching bracelets. I'm dressed for serious business. The only thing is, that I forgot to put on make up this morning, so I'm facing the world with a naked face, but I don't care. I'll take it on anyway. If it becomes too much, I'll take a nap, that's how I deal with that!
Have a good day!