Sunday...

This morning, a flock of geese flew southbound overhead. They were very noisy, that's what caused me to look out the window to the sky. It's fall. This weekend, from east to west across the country, birdwatchers are counting migrating birds. The sparrow, that used to be abundant everywhere, is disappearing across Western Europe at a rate of 95% in some cities. Nobody knows exactly why. They are replaced by tits. I can't help it.

Jesker wouldn't drink any water today. He had not had any since yesterday. I scoured his bowl and filled it with fresh water and followed him wherever he lied down, but he would not drink any. Finally I filled a bowl with milk and he drank that. Mission accomplished. Now I've got to get a hold of some more milk, because I don't have enough to last until tomorrow, but I know that he will get some fluids in him. He did eat a bowl of food this afternoon.

When I took him out this morning, he was very confused. When I put the leash on him, he walked into my bedroom. When we were in the common hallway and I opened the outside door, he went behind the door. When we walked outside he went in the wrong direction. I only went to the edge of the field with him and back. That wore him out enough. He walked very slowly and carefully as if it was an effort.

I just took him out again and he did a bit better, we made it around the little field at a slow pace and to my surprise we made it all the way home. He always has a bit of a revival in the afternoon, but he's sound asleep again now. I suppose that was quite a bit of exercise for him.

I don't get much of a chance to figure out how I am doing. My main concern is with the dog. My whole focus is on him and he is pretty much what my world revolves around right now. I do some housework and read and sleep and answer my emails and blog and in between everything, I keep an eye on him. I watch what he does, although all he really does is sleep, but he does move around a bit, and every time he does , I pay attention in the hopes that it will mean an improvement.

It's like being in the waiting room of a hospital and waiting to hear how your patient is doing, except that you're not getting any relevant information. I feel completely in the dark as to what is wrong with Jesker, because I think there's something else going on than an infection. He's too sick and not recuperating.

So, I can't think much about anything else. I do remember to take my medicines on time and I'm making sure I sleep at night and catch up on the rest during the day. I feel anxious and on edge, but that is normal considering the circumstances. It's not out of the ordinary. I do feel patient enough to wait it out, but I worry about leaving him on his own tomorrow when I have my creative class. All he will do is sleep, though, and he won't need me to stay home for that. I just have to make sure he's taken care of before I leave.

I think I lived this way my whole life in my first marriage. The focus was always on the kids and my husband and the house and the dog and the cats. I lived in a constant state of more or less anxiety, depending on the circumstances, and I didn't really get around to focusing on me much, although I did make attempts to, ill timed as they were and ill conceived. I always had to include everybody else into the equation, so nothing was ever just about me. Much as I wanted to, I never made my own choices until the end and even then I was limited in what I could do.

Well, water under the bridge, right? I've forgiven myself for that time and got it straight in my head. I used to think I was some kind of degenerated mother and a disloyal wife, but now I know better. I've ceased to judge myself harshly and now see things for what they were. Thank God!

My sister just called and she has extra milk, so I'm going over there to get it. I will just have to leave him alone for a bit. It will be the first time that I do.

Have a good rest of the day. A cold day!

Ciao,
Nora