Saturday, October 17, 2009
No, I did not imbibe in many glasses of alcohol. That might have been a lot of fun maybe, although waking up with that kind of a hangover isn't that much of a pleasure either. I'm talking about a mental hangover that you have after you have had a little nervous breakdown, which I did this morning, and the effects off which I am trying to shake off now.
After having walked around feeling like a nervous wreck for the last 24 hours, things finally came to a head and I had a good old breakdown and cried my heart out and sobbing all the while, called the Exfactor on my mobile phone and asked him to come to my aid. Then I took two extra tranquilizers and fell asleep on the sofa for two hours, allowing my scattered nerves to come to rest and regather themselves in a fashion.
When I got up this morning, I was a bundle of stress and maybe I got up before I was done properly sleeping. I took my medicines right away, but one hour later, I still did not feel any of the effects and I was having my shaky leg syndrome, which is something I have early in the morning before my medicines start to work and I am still nervous about the coming day.
I tried a few times to write a post, but obviously was not at all in the proper frame of mind and deleted each attempt. I tried to read blogs, but found myself unable to leave comments and I ended up giving up all attempts at communication and turning off the computer completely. Suddenly the computer wasn't my friend anymore, but my enemy, that was trying to confuse me with its confusing messages. My head was a tumble of disconnected thoughts and oppressive input and on top of everything was lying the knowledge that I had to go to the supermarket and do groceries with the tiny amount of money that was left in my bank account.
Going to the store isn't my best act right now under all circumstances, let alone when there is hardly any money, and I was sick to my stomach worrying about it. Add that to the case of general nerves I was feeling about just being alive and trying to get through the day and you can picture the scenario. That two hour nap I took saved my life and came exactly at the right time, because just after I woke up, the Exfactor got here.
I was a lot calmer by that time and almost subdued, due to the effects of the tranquilizers and the sleep, no doubt, and I was able to talk in an calm way about all the things that were worrying me and all the things that scared me, and in talking about it, things became more clear to me in my own head. I become overwhelmed by life at times and feel very small and vulnerable, while all the while I try not to acknowledge those feelings and push them ahead of me until they are a mountain that I can't get over any longer. I'm easily hurt and intimidated by other people and there has been cause for that lately.
I got an old cash register receipt and added up the things I could afford to buy and made a shopping list. The Exfactor walked the dog who had not been out yet, except for out back to do a piddle. I was still in my pajamas and bathrobe. The Exfactor took my list and my band card and went to the store for me and was back in the shortest amount of time, which he always seems to be when he goes to the store, as if it doesn't cost him any effort. He unpacked all the groceries while I sat at the table in a daze and was hardly aware of what he was doing. Then we had a cup of coffee together and talked about I know not what. I think it was about our animals.
I feel exhausted, yet want to say something significant, but I can't think of a thing. I think I will go lie down now and maybe sleep again, because it seems to be the best thing to do right now.
Oh, yes, don't forget to check my art blog here.
I've unloaded, haven't I?