Thursday, October 08, 2009

Wednesday in the rain.

Well, I'm not actually sitting in the rain, of course, but Jesker and I were caught out in the rain earlier when I walked him, and halfway through the walk great big raindrops started to fall down on us very rapidly, and I felt I couldn't make Jesker run home, so we got wet instead. Since it wasn't cold outside, it wasn't a great hardship, and we dried up quickly enough once we were inside again. It felt like we had been abundantly blessed by an exuberant priest with holy water, except that we were liberally sprinkled on all sides.

I always say that I like the rain and I do, especially when it comes in relatively short showers and it isn't very cold outside and there is no strong wind blowing. Of course, it's not always going to be like that and I'm probably going to complain about the weather just like anybody else as the season progresses. I like lying in bed at night and hearing it rain. I should really have a tin roof so that I can hear it well, but that might proof to be too noisy. It's just a romantic notion that I have of tropical rainstorms pouring down on a pacific island village and me lying in my hut listening to the rain beat on my roof.

I don't allow myself to have many romantic notions. I know they are not so realistic to have and it's not good to walk with your head in the clouds. I try to always stay in the here and now and not have all sorts of idealized notions about how other people live in this world, because I know there is hardship all over the place. But there must be all sorts of little pleasures too and those are the ones I'd like to be in pursuit of, although that would make me a typical western tourist who only comes to pick the best of what's on offer and ignores the harshness that lies underneath everything. As if there is a Shangrila some place where only peace and harmony rule.

I pretend Shangrila is in my apartment. A man's home is his castle, after all, isn't it? I'd like to think that, when I'm inside these walls, nothing bad can happen to me and that I'm safe here, therefor my reluctance at times to go outside. Nothing should pursue me inside that's going to cause me problems, although I can't stop the mail from being delivered and the phone from ringing. Those bring intrusions that I'm not always happy about, but the system is not full proof, though I say a little prayer when I open the mailbox. I'd like to protect myself from anything negative, but I think that's the wish of anybody, though I must say that I have it down to a fine art, although at times I struggle. I think everybody needs a safe place where he knows he can relax and feel at ease and let his defenses down. Home should be the place where you can do that.

I think especially now that I live on my own with the animals, I've very much made this place my safe place, with all the objects in them being mine and having special meaning to me and making me feel welcome when I walk inside, especially the art on the walls and the books on the bookcase. It feels good to look around and think to myself that everything I look at belongs to my world and I don't have to share it with anybody, and I decide why something is where it is and how long it will be there, or if I will change it around if I were to make that decision. It feels good to have ownership of and responsibility over things, but to keep it all as simple and uncomplicated as possible.

I suppose I'm really not that good at sharing my space and very much like taking up the room all by myself. Since this is really the first time in my life that I am living on my own, it is a new experience for me and one that I'm surprisingly good at. It seems to suit me well. I like going my own way and doing my own thing and not being sociable. I like sleeping alone in my own bed in my own bedroom. What a luxury that is. I like my stuff all over the bathroom and my shoes all over the place. I like only my clothes in the closet. There's no room for somebody else's clothes. I like the fact that it's my computer and my Senseo machine.

Aren't I selfish, and I should be after all these years. It's about time, I should say. I may never share my space again with anybody. I take up more than enough room by myself.

Well, now it's time to go to bed, believe it or not. I must be a little bit sensible and I do have a good book to read. I'll put my pajamas on and make it cozy for myself with a glass of warm milk.

Goodnight you all.



Gail said...

Beautiful post.

pinklea said...

I know what you mean about not liking to share your space. When my Ex and I split up many years ago, I just revelled in my newfound solitude and quiet (it wasn't total, because DD was with me, but it was still great). And even now, with PG in my life, I still really love it when I have an entire day or evening all by myself or when I sleep alone in the middle of the bed. Fortunately, PG understand my need to recharge by being alone, so he gets out of the way and does stuff on his own fairly often. I'm a lucky woman, I think!

Maggie May said...

Everyone likes their own space and fortunately, our house is large enough for me always to be able to find a space to be on my own when I frequently need to be. Unfortunately, this involves mammoth cleaning!

It is drier & sunnier here and I hope that you are sharing this change in the weather. X
Nuts in May

Babaloo said...

There's nothing better than going to bed with some warm milk (add honey to make it even better!) and snuggle up under my duvet with a good book. And probably the dogs next to me. And the cat on my belly. :)

John M. Mora said...

Ok, I guess you do not need my beach house in Tahiti.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I think it does us no harm from time to time to have romantic thoughts like these. I also enjoy the rain at night, when I know I don't need to go out! Unless it's lambing of course!!

CJ xx

Lisa Sarsfield said...

Raining here too...not as beautiful as the image in your post though.

I'm pleased your happy in your own company and not lonely in it. We need to be our own best friends sometime and there's nothing wrong with that!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I lol at "liberally sprinkled ..." Wonderful image! Poor old Jesker!

I live in an attic flat with a pyramid skylight and so I can really hear the rain and I like listening to it unless it's really heavy - and then I worry it'll come through the roof right onto me. When I'm not worried though it's beautiful to listen to it. Very elemental I suppose. I often fantasise about tin roofs as well!

Glad you are able to feel so safe at home. Sounds like you've got your place set up just how you like it. Having seen the photos I have to say that it looks very nice.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Tony Single said...

A little solitude can be a good thing I reckon. It helps me to appreciate those around me a bit more if I'm not forced to be around them 24/7. Of course, it's always wonderful to see my partner again at the end of the day! :)

Oh, and I laughed at John's earlier comment: "Ok, I guess you do not need my beach house in Tahiti." I have a big smile on my face that won't quit now!

VioletSky said...

Being able to live alone is a luxury for many people, and some find it almost impossible. I love being on my own and having my space (and my mess!) all my to myself.

Now, I wish I could lie in bed and just listen to the rain, but I must get ouside and work in it.

laurie said...

there are few things cozier than being in one's jammies, with rain streaming past the windows. i do love that picture you posted.