Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Because I went to bed so late last night, I slept in this morning and consequently am playing hooky from my creative class. I did call in to tell them where I was. I was too tired to really make it out of bed this morning. I tried, but it was useless. The alarm went off, but my body said, sleep some more, please, and so I did. I did get up to take my medicines, so I would be on the right schedule with them, and when I woke up the second time, they were working and I felt good. It's nice to wake up in a good and steady mood and to have your head screwed on straight from the start.
I finished reading The Yellow Wallpaper, which was a thin little book of short stories and I'm now reading The Reading Group by Elizabeth Noble. I just started it, but I think I will like it, because it doesn't seem to be all that complicated and dark. It's a human sized book with human sized complications and the characters are people you can identify with. I'm looking forward to reading it and I think I will read it during the day as well. I will sit in my reading armchair and have my cup of coffee and cigarettes handy on the little table beside it and have myself some quality time with that book.
My hair wasn't pleasing me the other day. It was too long in the back and I could not do a thing with it. Whenever I laid down on it, it was completely flattened and I was unable to fluff it back up again. I thought it had to be much shorter so it would stand up better. Anyway, I took my big scissors and a comb and cut it very short in the back, as well as I could, considering I couldn't see what I was doing. It's much better now and does what it's supposed to do, but as soon as I have the money, I will go to the hairdresser and have it done properly. I know what I want, I just need to tell them to cut it that way. The client is the queen, right? She will be obeyed.
It's not raining right now, although more is predicted, though I hope that it will not rain this afternoon, because I have to go see my SPN. The last time I was there I was struggling with an inner voice that was telling me not to enjoy myself so much and to not like any of the things I was doing and to feel shame for liking the things that I did. It was an old parental voice that was scoffing me and trying to make me feel bad about myself and the things I did, and it was making me feel that what I did was not worthy of praise and understanding. I've since dealt with that by standing up to that voice and fighting my battle with it and beating it. I faced it as if it were an enemy that needed to be slain and I've done that. It can't get a hold of me any longer, because I am stronger than it. If it ever rears its ugly head again, I will beat it back down where it belongs quickly. That's how I make clean ship.
It's amazing what you are capable of once you identify your inner enemies and are willing to face them down and not give an inch. Once you learn to be mad as hell and stick up for yourself, you actually achieve a great deal of freedom. I'm not advocating walking around being pissed off all the time, but anger directed at the proper source is good, even if it only happens in your head. Whenever negativity strikes you, you find out where that idea is coming from and tackle that particular individual that made you feel that way and make short shrift with them.
Yesterday, on a different subject, I started to walk into the store, and I had some hesitation about entering and feeling comfortable about that. I made myself consciously aware of who I was as a human being and compared myself to the other people who were walking in and out of the store and I thought, "You know, you are not any worse or better or any different than any of these other people. You are exactly the same and you have as much right to enter here as they do and go about your business." Really, it's so silly to think that anyone is going to spend any time questioning why I am in that store. Nobody cares. It's none of their concern. They have other things to do than worry why I am there. I'm the only one who is so acutely aware of my presence there and I don't need to be. I'm just a woman who shops, nothing more and nothing less. I need to always remember that when I go there and not think I'm a big gray elephant in pink socks stomping through the strawberry patch.
Now I've got to take my dog for a walk. He's looking at me with big eyes that say he needs to go out. I better get dressed quickly. It's actually 20 degrees outside, although it is overcast, but that's not bad for an October day. It's warm in the apartment too. Warmer than it is outside and I always wonder how that happens.
Have a nice day!