Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Wednesday morning.

Because I went to bed so late last night, I slept in this morning and consequently am playing hooky from my creative class. I did call in to tell them where I was. I was too tired to really make it out of bed this morning. I tried, but it was useless. The alarm went off, but my body said, sleep some more, please, and so I did. I did get up to take my medicines, so I would be on the right schedule with them, and when I woke up the second time, they were working and I felt good. It's nice to wake up in a good and steady mood and to have your head screwed on straight from the start.

I finished reading The Yellow Wallpaper, which was a thin little book of short stories and I'm now reading The Reading Group by Elizabeth Noble. I just started it, but I think I will like it, because it doesn't seem to be all that complicated and dark. It's a human sized book with human sized complications and the characters are people you can identify with. I'm looking forward to reading it and I think I will read it during the day as well. I will sit in my reading armchair and have my cup of coffee and cigarettes handy on the little table beside it and have myself some quality time with that book.

My hair wasn't pleasing me the other day. It was too long in the back and I could not do a thing with it. Whenever I laid down on it, it was completely flattened and I was unable to fluff it back up again. I thought it had to be much shorter so it would stand up better. Anyway, I took my big scissors and a comb and cut it very short in the back, as well as I could, considering I couldn't see what I was doing. It's much better now and does what it's supposed to do, but as soon as I have the money, I will go to the hairdresser and have it done properly. I know what I want, I just need to tell them to cut it that way. The client is the queen, right? She will be obeyed.

It's not raining right now, although more is predicted, though I hope that it will not rain this afternoon, because I have to go see my SPN. The last time I was there I was struggling with an inner voice that was telling me not to enjoy myself so much and to not like any of the things I was doing and to feel shame for liking the things that I did. It was an old parental voice that was scoffing me and trying to make me feel bad about myself and the things I did, and it was making me feel that what I did was not worthy of praise and understanding. I've since dealt with that by standing up to that voice and fighting my battle with it and beating it. I faced it as if it were an enemy that needed to be slain and I've done that. It can't get a hold of me any longer, because I am stronger than it. If it ever rears its ugly head again, I will beat it back down where it belongs quickly. That's how I make clean ship.

It's amazing what you are capable of once you identify your inner enemies and are willing to face them down and not give an inch. Once you learn to be mad as hell and stick up for yourself, you actually achieve a great deal of freedom. I'm not advocating walking around being pissed off all the time, but anger directed at the proper source is good, even if it only happens in your head. Whenever negativity strikes you, you find out where that idea is coming from and tackle that particular individual that made you feel that way and make short shrift with them.

Yesterday, on a different subject, I started to walk into the store, and I had some hesitation about entering and feeling comfortable about that. I made myself consciously aware of who I was as a human being and compared myself to the other people who were walking in and out of the store and I thought, "You know, you are not any worse or better or any different than any of these other people. You are exactly the same and you have as much right to enter here as they do and go about your business." Really, it's so silly to think that anyone is going to spend any time questioning why I am in that store. Nobody cares. It's none of their concern. They have other things to do than worry why I am there. I'm the only one who is so acutely aware of my presence there and I don't need to be. I'm just a woman who shops, nothing more and nothing less. I need to always remember that when I go there and not think I'm a big gray elephant in pink socks stomping through the strawberry patch.

Now I've got to take my dog for a walk. He's looking at me with big eyes that say he needs to go out. I better get dressed quickly. It's actually 20 degrees outside, although it is overcast, but that's not bad for an October day. It's warm in the apartment too. Warmer than it is outside and I always wonder how that happens.

Have a nice day!



Gail said...

Have a wonderfully enjoyable day!

John M. Mora said...

Be good. My best.

Tony Single said...

"I need to always remember that when I go there and not think I'm a big gray elephant in pink socks stomping through the strawberry patch."

I especially loved this phrase, Nora. It's true that I have often felt like the proverbial elephant in the room... you know the one, the one that feels awkward and self conscious around everyone else. It's silly to feel that way really, but it's like you say... it can go better for us if we try to stand up to that negativity. :)

Maggie May said...

I don't even think about being a big grey elephant in pink socks...... but now you have me wondering, if that is what I look like LOL!

It is an abominable day to day, cold wet and manky!
Hope you are having better than we are.

Nuts in May

Frances said...

I remember years ago being told that people who are self-conscious in public imagine everyone is interested in them. I was very annoyed and irritated because I felt shy and didn't believe it was because I felt I was of huge interest to everyone else. BUT I have found it a useful thing to remember - in those moments of paralysis. No-one will notice you unless you draw attention to yourself. they are all thinking about themselves as we are about ourselves. LOL - so you did the right thing in fighting that ego voice that stops us doing ordinary things by building them up. I wonder where it comes from? It inhibits us so much.
I do remember once realising I had actually been given true advice - though it was a bit harsh. I arrived at a party with a boyfriend and his friend. We were a little late and they kept going on about how embarrassing it was and how they hated everyone looking at them etc. When I looked round the room - NOBODY was even looking in our direction. LOL The men didn't like it when I pointed that out... So it is a common problem of the human psyche. Good for you. Sorry you didn't go to the therapy, but have a good day anyway. Careful with those scissors - don't want to end up with a shaven punk hairstyle!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Sad that you missed your class but sleep is more important.

I always cut my own hair these days. My hair is mong so its a simple straight accross job but I didn't have the confidenece to do it when I was younger. Now I do it very successfully, but only because I resent paying over 10 pounds for someone to cut in a straight line that takes me no more than 3 or 4 minutes - although they of course usually spin it out as long as they can to look like they're earning the money. I also don't like having to talk to hairdressers, and when you're in the chair you really don't have a choice or you might look rude.

The rain here is torrential! And I mean torrential. I was planning on going out to pay my rent as well. I really hope it clears in the next hour so I can do that.

So good to stand up to the inner critic. And good job at the supermarket too. You know you're winning the battle when you can rationalise yourself out of a bad headspace like that. This is something I have to do more of myself.

Jesker telling you he wants a walk must be a good sign!

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Kate Morris said...

I remember reading a book called the Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. it too was a thin little book, but not of short stories, just a sad little story, written I think in the 19th century, about a woman suffering post natal depression, except there wasn't a word for that then. We did it as part of feminist writing in my humanities degree. I remember it being rather brilliant.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Hi Tony, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like that big elephant so without grace, putting his big feet on all the delicate spots.

We have a lot of fine tuning to do, don't we?

Babaloo said...

Wow, you cut your own hair! I never dare do that. Well, except little bits off the fringe when it gets to long. But even that happens rarely.

And you're definitely no elephant in pink socks (although that image is now stuck in my head for the rest of the day and will make me laugh!). I think most people feel awkward about themselves occasionally. But taking a breather and looking around yourself, consciously making that effort to see that you're just one of many, the same as others, really helps.