Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Past midnight and all is well...

In my sleep I compose interesting sentences to put in my blog posts but when I wake up they immediately recede to the back of my mind to become irretrievably lost to me. Only a vague imprint of them remains in my mind but not enough to be able to use them. I know they were very profound because I'm sure I only dream very profound things. I'm convinced that I don't waste my dreams on frivolous subjects. 

Having stated that, I have to tell you that it's been eight days since I stopped smoking and that I haven't had a cigarette since then. Who would have thought that possible? I'm mighty proud of myself and know I can do it from this point on. I have no doubt about it that I'm an ex-smoker now even though it's only been a short time since I quit. To me it already seems like a very long time. 

Yesterday it snowed all day long. Imagine my surprise when I opened up the curtains in the morning and saw snow. I hadn't heard the weather forecast and had no idea that it was supposed to. It finally stopped snowing in the evening and there's none falling now. I'm not thrilled about it but the world is pretty. It's supposed to turn into an icy sludge during the day which is less fun. I'm sure I won't be happy about taking the dog out in it. 

These times that I'm up are just interludes between naps. That's how I view them. I'm momentarily awake. My true mission is to go back to bed and sleep some more. It's the most pleasant way of existing that I can think of, especially the times just before I fall asleep and when I just wake up. Those are the times when I'm filled with happiness. I have my own quiet joy all by myself then. 

I'm having a glass of cold milk and it's very refreshing. I had a cup of coffee to straighten out my head but it hardly needed straightning out. It was the last of the coffee and I have been drinking tea today. It was not too bad an experience. It was black tea that I thought I had problems with but it was fine. I'll have tea in the morning and hope it suffices in waking me up. 

The Exfactor will be here and together we will go to the cheap store where they sell everything but the kitchen sink. I've heard they have duvet covers on sale there right now. I hope to find some other things that I may need and I'm going to browse through the store and have a good look around. Maybe there will be things to decorate the apartment with. A person can always hope. 

I'm going back to bed. Hopefully I will sleep for a few more hours. 


Sunday, January 29, 2012


Since I've quit smoking, I have the most incredible dreams. They could be whole epic movies in technicolor with special sound effects. They are so interesting. Even if I take just a nap, I dream. I can't describe them. They are too special and outer wordly for that. Believe me if I say that they make quite an impression. I would not have the words to do them justice. 

Today is day seven of my not smoking. I'm doing well. It's turning out not to be nearly the struggle that I thought it was going to be. That does not mean it is easy, of course. I do need a certain amount of willpower or in my case you should call it stubbornness. I'll be darned if I'm going to light up a cigarette. 

I can't anyway because I don't have any handy. I would have to go to my neighbor and beg for one and I'm not about to do that. Besides, if you smoke one cigarette, it would be like having to quit all over again. There's no such thing as an innocent cigarette.

For as much inmagination as I have during my sleep, that's how little I have while I'm awake. At least when it comes to writing a blog post. I've tried to write one several times over the last couple of days, but each one came to naught. I just did not have it in my to write an interesting one. I don't think that this one is going to be the exception. 

Maybe that also has to do with the fact that I've quit smoking. I know that I'm super critical of what I write and that I find it hard to set my imagination free. Apparently I have to be asleep before I can do that. 

The dog wants to go for a walk and I will take him. It relieves me from having to think of another thing to write about. It's quite cold outside and I will have to dress warm. It's freezing.


Thursday, January 26, 2012

On food and decorating...

That's one thing I've noticed since I stopped smoking. I'm instantly awake when I get up out of bed. I don't have to gather myself together much. I still need about half a cup of coffee to cheer me up a bit, but I'm generally in good shape right away. At least I'm not sitting here dragging nicoltine and other poisons out of cigarettes and doing my head in. That was a very convoluted way to try and feel good. Thank goodness that's behind me. 

I can already smell better now and the coffee when it's just made smells very burnt. I guess I'm smelling the fact that the beans have been roasted. It smells less pleasant than I had anticipated, but maybe I don't have such a very good brand of coffee. It's the first thing you smell when you walk into the apartment, besides the smell of the deodorant coming from the bathroom. 

I suppose my sense of smell will get better over time and I think this is a nice development because a lot of memories are associated with my sense of smell. An odor can instantly take me back to a moment in my past. It's usually something pleasant that I think back on so it's no problem. I look forward to it. 

I had a bit of a slow day today. I had to try and find ways to amuse myself and it wasn't easy. I already walked the dog three times and took a nap twice. I guess all I can say is, thank goodness for the Internet. It does keep me occupied at the most boring moments. It and watching the news are good diversions when I need to fill my time.

I have to admit that I'm hungrier now that I've stopped smoking. My stomach growls regularly and naturally I feed it. At least, for as far as that is possible with my gastric band. There is a limit to how much food I can put into it. I do feel like eating hearty foods like fried eggs and salty crackers. I really feel like eating Chinese food and have a huge hunkering for it. It's too bad that I can't eat those portions, they are too big. 

On another subject, the living room has got all its final touches and, except for painting it, there's not much left that I can do to it. I will always be on the look out for interesting and colorful items to add to the decor. That will be like a new hobby for me. I will also always look for interesting art, although I really think I like the artist that I have the watercolors of now. But you never know what I will run into. I will not exclude anybody else. 

I think the living room and the bedroom will really be ongoing projects and that I will collect things for them and keep decorating them as the mood strikes me. It will be a little bit as if they are showrooms. That will keep me motivated to have them always in good shape and to spend time on making them look as comfortable to be in as possible. 

That's all I have to say and that's more than enough. I do carry on. I've forgotten to watch the 6 o'clock news even. I've got to fry some eggs. I'll pretend there's fried rice to go with them. 


It's alright now...

I'm entering day four of not smoking. I've just taken my medicines and put on a fresh nicotine patch. It didn't feel as though the old one had stopped working. I think the effect is psychological also. As long as you wear it, you think you're protected. It doesn't matter why it works as long as it does.

Every day of not smoking gets a little bit easier. The urge to light up a cigarette is still there, but I get over the disappointment of not being able to quicker. There's simply no way that I can, so wishing to is an exercise in futility. I immediately have to put the whole idea out of my head. That's the best part about not having any tobacco in the apartment. There's absolutely no temptation. 

If I don't manage to keep myself busy and distracted, I take naps to make the time pass by. It's one way to forget about not being able to smoke if it bothers me a lot. It's usually during the day when I've run out of things to do and I've already walked the dog a few times. I'm usually able to sleep for at least an hour or so. That gets me over the worst craving. 

Yesterday I went to Ikea with my sister. We got there early in the morning before it opened, but already there were plenty of people there. I had a shopping list of things I wanted to get and just had to locate the items in the store and in the warehouse. 

I got a rattan armchair to replace my other armchair whch I have put in the bedroom where it looks very good. It was time that I decorated the bedroom more also and I wanted something different in the living room. I also had to get the thick, soft seat cushion that went with the chair which was located in a whole different place in the warehouse, very unlogically.

I wanted to make sure that I got a good seat cushion because of the comfort of sitting down on it for any length of time and not getting a sore rear end. I have learned my lesson in the past. I also wanted to buy some throw pillows and I thought I had the ones picked out that I wanted, but when I actually saw them, I liked them less than I thought I would. 

Luckily, I spotted some that I had not seen on the website and that had the colors in them that I wanted so the choice was easily made. They were to put in the two armchairs that are in the living room to support your back when you sit in them. They are also for the extra touch of decoration, of course.

I had to get a new curtain to cover the door that is between the spare bedroom and the living room that I don't use and that is always closed. The curtain that was there didn't fit in the color scheme anymore and was old besides. I had thrown it out. I had picked out the new one on Ikea's website and luckily it turned out to be as nice as I had anticipated. 

When I got home. the curtain turned out to be much too long and I had to pin it up. Today I will have to shorten it, but because the sewing machine isn't working, I will have to fix the hem with iron on sticky tape.

Because of the paintings, the colors that have returned to the interior of the living room are red and orange. Subconsciously, I am now drawn to these two colors and gravitate towards them for whatever little touches I can add. They are both lively and cheerful colors so that's no problem. Both of them are in the throw pillows that I bought.

Except for fixing the hem of the curtain, I don't have much to do today. I had been planning on taking two creative therapy classes, but now there is an issue with the insurance company maybe not paying for them. It is up in the air and I have to keep my fingers crossed. I need to have a busier schedule. It is important that I am more active and see more people. I will have to make the most of the day in the meantime. 

I've got to get dressed and walk the dog. It is that time of the morning already. I hope you'll all have a good day and that you enjoy your interiors. 


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Not smoking...

I've had two days of not smoking now and I must say that it's not always easy. I think about cigarettes and wanting to smoke one a lot. There are times when it is almost constantly on my mind.

Luckily, I am unable to smoke because I have removed all the tobacco from the apartment. There is none here that I can make cigarettes with in a moment of temptation. I find that much easier to deal with because now if I get those cravings for them, I don't have to worry about giving into them. I can go ahead and acknowledge the craving and know that there's nothing I can do about it.

I find it easier to drink a cup of coffee without a cigarette than to drink a glass of milk without one. I don't know why that is. I haven't yet started to compensate for the lack of cigarettes by starting to eat more. Maybe that is because I have the nicotine patch.

I have been told that regardless, I will gain a couple of kilos because everybody does once they stop smoking. It's a small price to pay, I think. It has to do with the slowing down of your metabolism or something along those lines. It was explained to me by the person who I had an appoinment with at the doctor's office, but I don't quite remember it all now.

Enough about that. There are other things in life than quitting smoking, although it doesn't seem that way right now.  I am sort of preoccupied with it at the moment.

This morning I'm going to Ikea with my sister to pick up the things I will need to finish transforming the living room. I've got my shopping list all ready to go and I know that the items I want are available. I'm looking forward very much to going and buying the things I need, but I'm looking forward even more to coming home with them and putting them in place.

Yesterday afternoon, when I was feeling unsettled, I took the dog for a long walk, much to the pleasure of the dog. We took a route that we seldom take and the dog was well behaved. He didn't dawdle everywhere. We walked at a pretty steady pace and when we got home I really felt that we had gotten some exercise.

When I still proved to be uneasy because of the non smoking policy, I went to bed and took a nap. I had changed the sheets and very gladly got in between them. The nap got me over the worst part of the cravings. It's funny that the daytime should be the worst for missing the cigarettes. I had not expected that. I thought it would be worse during the nighttime, like right now.

This is, after all, when I have the most fun and when I indulge in all my pleasures. I let it all hang out during the night, or so I thought. Apparently I'm not as out of control as I thought I was. I am, for the most part, just as sensible during the night as I am during the day. There goes my reputation as a fun girl. It's completely shot.

I must go back to bed now. I have nothing interesting left to write about and I want to go to sleep so it will be morning soon. I'm like a kid anticipating a school outing.


Monday, January 23, 2012

The year of the dragon...

I'm very happily sat here with my second cup of coffee and it's still a decent time of the night. It's not even midnight yet and that's also surprisng to me. For a change I'm up at a more normal time. I don't know what's wrong with me. I may even turn into a quite ordinary person and start keeping quite ordinary hours. Miracles never cease. 

I've had an enervating day. I spent some time redecorating the living room because I was not finished with it and I had to add some of the almost final touches. The real final touches I will add on Wednesday when I have been to Ikea and have picked up the things I want to get there. Then the metamorphosis will be complete. 

I also got ambitious and cleaned up my bedroom which had become a catch all for everything that I had no space for in the living room. I got a big trash bag and started tossing things out and reorganizing. I rearranged the whole bookcase and emptied out drawers of obsolete items. Such a mess I had. I purged the whole room and did a bit of decorating there too. 

Luckily, the domestic help was here also, so she could clean as I purged and between the two of us, we got the place looking spiffy. We were both very pleased with ourselves. And just think, I got all of that done just because of two new paintings. They were my inspiration. 

I quit smoking this morning. I'm hesitant to say this in case I don't make it and start up again, but I have the best of intentions. I was thinking about what I could do with all the money that I spend on tobacco every month and suddenly was disgusted with the whole thing. In a flash I knew I would stop the foolishness. I said a prayer, put on a nicotine patch and quit. 

Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with the counselor at the doctor's office who helps you stay quit. I don't know yet how she does that, but I'm going to get her help as much as I can. Whatever it takes, I will do. I can't tell you that it's not frustrating at times, but I'm surviving. I have rubber bands around my wrist that I fiddle with when the urge to smoke becomes too bad. It does pass after a while.The urge to smoke comes in waves. It's not a constant pressure. 

I must go back to bed. The urge to smoke is less when I'm lying down and the time passes more quickly when you're asleep. Also when you are keeping yourself busy. That is why I am getting so much done. I have to paint the living room and the hallway next. Yippee! 


Sunday, January 22, 2012


Yesterday afternoon, I went with my sister and her friend to a small village not too far from here and visited an artist's art gallery that was located in the barn of a renovated old farmhouse. The art gallery was bright and white and lofty and filled with wonderful framed watercolors in all sizes. 

What set these watercolors apart was that they were painted with deep intense colors that were unlike your average watercolors and were so lively that they immediately struck you with their intensity when you looked at them. This artist, a woman who has been painting for many years, is known for this particular way of painting.

We spend a few fun hours looking at everything and trying to decide which watercolors we liked best because all three of us wanted to make a choice. We all ended up finding something after much careful study. I bought (on an installment plan) two good sized ones of close ups of red poppies and deep yellow tulips. 

When I got them home, I had to give some careful thought about where I wanted to hang them and took my time deciding that. After I had done that, I spent some time in my chair just sitting and looking at them and enjoying them. I had hung them where I could have a good look at both of them whenever I sit in my armchair.

While I was sitting there I realized that, because of the paintings, I needed to make some cosmetic changes in the living room and proceeded to make those. I had to alter some things completely and add some different touches of color. I spent the rest of the time doing that, pausing every once in a while to take a good look to think about it. 

I had to add touches of deep yellow to the decor and luckily found some things that matched the color of the tulips in that watercolor. I rearranged a bunch of things and will have to do more today until I'm satisfied. I also uncluttered and put things away and I will be doing more of that today also.

I had a thoroughly enjoyable time and like the watercolors very much, but then I did take my time choosing them. I like them better than my own art, which I'm too critical of and can't enjoy looking at. I've banned that to the bedroom. As soon as these paintings are paid off, I want to get more of them and I hope I can find such good ones again. I hope she is very productive. 

It's fuuny how paitings can inspire you to have a whole new look at your surroundings. I had not expected that, not did I choose them specifically because of their colors or keeping my decor in mind. At least, not consciously.  I was intuitively drawn to these. It wasn't until I hung them up that I realized that they set the tone for the rest of the room. I do know that less is more and that the living room needs to be unburdened.

That's my big adventure for this weekend and the activitiy that keeps me out of trouble. I should get out of the apartment more often.


Friday, January 20, 2012

Please skip the scepticism...

I think the medication for my stomach is beginning to work because I can eat a little bit better without it causing me as many problems. Needless to say, this is a great relief. It's a great thing when you can eat something without your stomach going in an uproar. I can't eat a lot, but just enough to satisfy my hunger and I can eat four or five times a day. 

I can't believe how much my stomach problems influence my mood. I used to think it was the other way around, but it isn't. I can be in a perfectly good mood until my stomach starts to act up. I get so uncomfortable and frustrated then. I stay uncomfortable for at least two hours, so it takes a while to get back to normal. It's good to realize which comes first. I'd go through life thinking I was one heck of a frustrated person. 

I'm very optimistically minded, really, and I'm usually in a good mood. As long as my stomach agrees with me, I'm one happy camper. 

The day went by quickly and I hope that the weekend goes by quickly also, although I do look forward to being a bit lazy. As a matter of fact, I look forward to that a lot. There's nothing better than lounging around in your bathrobe and making the morning last as long as possible. Postponing the start of the day with a cup of coffee and navel contemplation is very pleasant. 

The dishes have been done, the bed's been changed and the laundry has been washed and hung up to dry. The apartment is all clean too. That doesn't leave much for me to do. This weekend I will have to start reading again out of self preservation. I have several new books to choose from, one of them in Dutch. I will have to see which language I will want to read in. 

I have to watch the news and be a well informed person again. I haven't watched television all day. I don't know what's wrong with me. 


Thursday, January 19, 2012

Post haste...

Outside it is raining hard and it has been almost non stop all day. Whenever I think about taking the dog out for a walk, it starts raining again so he has only been able to go out back. He's not too enthused about it and doesn't really want to be outside. Neither does the cat who's been very cozily staying in all day. I think we are hibernating today. 

I'm glad it wasn't this weather yesterday when I had to go out twice. Once to go to my GP and once to go see my therapist and to go to the pharmacy. I would have been miserable on my bike if it had rained like this. I do always seem to get lucky and avoid the worst of the weather. It's usually on my days off that it rains so bad. 

I saw my GP for the stomach problems that I have been having for quite a while now. I can't eat or drink anything without it causing me trouble and I very often have a stomach ache or cramps. I thought it was more than high time that I had it looked at. For now she prescribed some medication that should start working in a couple of days time, but I have to see her again in two weeks. 

I also had to donate some blood to run some tests on and to also check my thyroid function which had not been done in two years. I was one year too late with that. It goes to show you that I don't go to the doctor enough. I kind of neglect that.

I had not seen my therapist in a long while and had to fill her in on the latest news. I did that in the shortest amount of  time possible without making it sound dramatic. The conclusion was the most important thing to tell. It's what lesson you learn from your experiences that counts. How much wisdom do you gain? 

I made an appointment with her for a month from now. I want to be self reliant and not be guided in every step of the process along the way. I think I should be my own support and inspiration.

I am well on my way to having figured out a lot of things now and I know that I can count on myself a lot when it comes to making decisions. I'm wiser than I thought I was. The wisdom just gets snowed under now and then by my sometimes fragile emotions, but less and less so. 

The seed of optimism is growing larger inside myself and taking up more room. It's hard to get around its presence anymore. It has taken on a life of its own and exists whether I want it too or not. It is an almost independent entity. Pretty soon I'll call it the tree of optimism. 

I think I have to take the dog out now. It has been dry for a while. I will have to take the chance.

Have a good day.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Blue Monday...

It was Blue Monday day before yesterday, but I didn't know that until after I had my own version of it. I have a tendency not to believe in those kinds of things if I know about them beforehand, but this time I didn't. 

It's supposed to be the worst day of the year for whatever reason I don't know. The logic of it escapes me. I can testify to the fact that it is true because I had my own horrible day. After having felt good for months, and especially good the last few weeks, I tumbled down into the pit of despair and wanted to be dead. 

Now luckily, this feeling didn't last longer than the Blue Monday was long and I did crawl out of that pit again and by the nighttime I was on my way back up. I didn't end up in a long lasting depression which very easily could have been the case too. Somehow my optimism came shining through and I could not stay long in that misreable place. 

I was bound to stumble and fall after having been in a elevated mood for so long. I could not keep up the pace. Throw in a couple of minor complications and I ran out of steam. Suddenly everything became too much for me and I couldn't see the forest for the trees anymore. I felt completely lost and lonely. It was all in a reaction to what had come before. 

At my lowest point, I wished myself dead, but I soon got over that and started thinking of reasons to live. I didn't reach for extra pills to make myself feel better. That notion didn't even enter my head. I did have a talk with my Higher Being and decided to not to try to force the issue but to leave it up to fate. Then I took a nap because sleep solves a lot.

The next day I was at ease with myself and peaceful again. I was ready to climb back into the saddle with a more realistic point of view. I'm not ready to go on an adventurous rde, I will just move along at a steady pace. Easy does it. I won't go battling windmills. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk enjoying the solitude of the night. I just let the dog out back and outside it's freezing. There's a star filled sky. 

I try to be efficient and self reliable. It's what got me here. 


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Comfort zones...

At this moment, but pretty much all throughout the day, I want to take comfort in the ordinary little things. The things that don't require a lot of effort to surround myself with or to perform as rituals. They are all meant to soothe my mind and give me a sense of security which is sometimes hard to come by. 

I should be thankful that there are always those times in the day and night that are sacred and that allow me an awful lot of peacefulness and serenity. They are long times out from more fraught periods during the day when I am more unsettled and on edge. 

I blame this on the fact that my sleep schedule is all screwed up and that I often haven't had enough sleep at night. It does tend to make me feel uneasy. The best thing to do when I feel that way is to take a nap. Usually I wake up in a much better frame of mind. 

Since I cut down on my sleep medication, I don't nearly need the amount of coffee that I used to drink and caffeine plays a much smaller role in my life now. When I wake up, I have one cup of coffee and I very often don't even finish drinking it. That's almost one less addiction in my life.

I have lots of tea in the kitchen cupboard and maybe it is time to start drinking it again. It is easy enough to make a small pot of it in the morning to see if it will suffice in getting the day started. I can try green tea with lemon or rooibos. I even have rosehip tea but I don't like the taste of it that much. I think I'll pass on that one. 

I've put clean sheets on the bed tonight and I think I'll go try them out now. I know they smell very good. I've also got clean pajamas on so I'm all set. 

Have a good night.


Saturday, January 14, 2012


I'm glad it is the weekend and I can leave this awfully strange week behind me and have two very ordinary days. The reason I say it's been an awfully strange week, is because it feels as though it's been filled with out of the ordinary events and that it actually contained more than the ordinary amount of days. The days went by quickly enough but there seemed to be so many of them, making it look like a long week. Looking back on it now, it seems like a very odd time.

I'm more than ready for things to return to normal and for me to find my natural niche again, albeit in a somewhat modefied form. I do take my experiences and the lessons I learned from them with me, but I can't put my old self overboard and conjur up a whole new person. I think I was trying too hard to do that. I was forcing a metamorphosis on myself that was too far removed from my original self and it became painful. I can't chuck myself out with yesterday's rubbish.

To thine own self be true. 

I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk in my comfortable, warm bathrobe, but in my mind I'm already going back to bed. I think I'm ready to go to sleep so I can start the weekend properly in the morning. 


Friday, January 13, 2012

Keeping up the patter...

Today felt like a weekend day because that's how relaxed it was. I must be getting really good at enjoying the weekdays when I have no commitments. When there's nothing on the agenda but ordinary chores, I don't feel any sort of pressure at all and I'm the most relaxed person on the block. 

I hardly know what happened to the day, it sort of slipped through my fingers without me noticing it too much. Before I knew it, it was over and I didn't really have much to show for it. I was left with a pleasant enough feeling and I don't feel like I've wasted my time. Any day I end feeling satisfied can't be a wasted day.

That doesn't mean that I don't want any commitments because I do. I do want more activities to fill my days and I am in the process of arranging that now. My days are too empty and do have trouble filling them. I have too much spare time on my hands. I need to be more busy and be exposed to other people. I'm fully aware of that.

With the dose of optimism that I have now, I have no doubt that a lot of things are going to change over the year. I've had a good attitude change to start the year of with and I hope I can hang on to it. I try to reinforce it every day and learn something new as I go along. You're never too old to learn new lessons. I've had some real eye openers lately and even had one today that was a real Eureka moment. 

Sometimes it seems that I go through rapid learning cycles and I process a lot of new information in a relatively short amount of time. It's when my mind seems to be able to make and see connections that it didn't before and come to all sorts of logical conclusions. It's possible that I have an alertness then that's maybe not present at other times. I guess the trick is to be alert more often. 

I suppose I need to create those conditions in which I am most alert and sharp minded. One of those ways is to be exposed to other people and other ideas. I do need to be stimulated in my thought processes and to be challenged out of my comfort zone. I may be too complacent where I am and learn nothing new. Being in a different environment can be enough of a stimulus to get my interest going. 

That doesn't mean that I have to indiscriminately accept every idea I'm exposed to. I do have to pick and choose what I find acceptable. Sorting through all the incoming information will be enough of a lesson on its own.

This was my little share of wisdom for tonight. 


Thursday, January 12, 2012

For better or worse...

Through the course of the day yesterday, the bug I had moved from my throat and my chest to my stomach and my belly. In other words, it made its rounds. I felt the worst in the afternoon when I laid down in bed and had a fitful sleep and stomach spasms. I was aware of feeling very sick and making it a point to try and not wake up and consciously experience it. 

That did get me through the bad part, although I had the chills for the rest of the day into the evening. Now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I think the worst of it is over. I don't nearly have the aches and pains in my body that I had and my head feels more normal too. It doesn't feel in a sick state anymore. 

It must have been a 24 hour bug and I should be fine in the morning. I told you that I never do get properly sick like other people do for days on end. I get being sick over and done within the shortest amount of time. 

Except for the bother of the aches and pains, it was very boring to be sick and I hope I don't have to repeat it any time soon. You can't do any of the things that you regularly do and on top of everything, I missed my appointment with my therapist. Food and drink don't taste very good either and are no diversion. At the end of the day I ate some crackers, but that was it. 

I crave a milkshake, but I'm having some ice cold milk instead. I wasn't able to drink that yesterday. It's a good sign that I can drink it now without my stomach protesting.

I've got to go back to bed and finish sleeping. I look forward to being a healthy person again the morning. 


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Things to ponder at night...

I feel ever so slightly ill as if I'm getting the flu. When I was lying in bed, I had the chills and I had a funny feeling in my chest as if a malady was settling there. I'm not quite myself right now, but I never do get properly sick and I'm sure that by the morning, I'll be right as rain again. That big virus that's been going around hasn't floored me yet. I seem to have a good immune system. People around me get ill, but I never do. 

I've got an appointment with my therapist in the morning. I haven't seen her in quite a while. An appointment I had with her before Christmas was canceled and a lot has happened since then. You see that I manage quite well without her. It's not necessary to discuss every detail of what is happening in my life with her, but it will be good to touch base with her. I feel less need to have all sorts of help and back up and reassurances. I do feel capable of independent thought and taking independent actions. 

I find that people close to me function well as listening posts also. I talk to them about things and they don't even have to give me advice. I just tell them what I run up against and make my own decisions. All they really have to do is sit and listen and sympathize as much as they can. It's for me to get the story straight in my mind. The Exfactor serves that purpose very well. He is a good listener without wanting to give all sorts of advice. I get to clear my head and put things in order. That's all I really need. 

I think smart actions result from a combination of listening to your instincts and using your intelligence. If you ignore your gut reactions, you'll go off in the wrong direction, but you've got to keep your wits about you too. I'm unsure how closely instinct and intelligence in people are related. That's something I've never researched. It would be an interesting subject to read about. 

I will go back to bed. I should take something against aches and pains. That's typical for flu, isn't it? I will wish myself well. I will imagine my body fighting whatever bug it's got while I'm comfortably esconded under the duvet. 


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Being in possession of my good fortune...

The mission that I was on yesterday was a big success. This was because I was well prepared and in the right frame of mind. I also felt very strong and sure of myself and I was pretty convinced that it was going to have a good outcome. The person I was doing it all for also turned out to be more than ready to receive help and was very co-operative and open to all I had to say. She was further along in the process of discovering herself than I had anticipated. It was a pleasant surprise. 

I now feel that I've succeeded at something very important and that a huge step has been made. It is another great beginning to the new year which is looking good so far. I have a very good feeling about 2012 and I think compared to last year, this is going to be a much better one. And I don't mean just for me personally, but for the world as a whole generally. I think women especially are going to play a big role in bringing about change. It started off with the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prizes at the end of last year and will continue into this year.

If I can be accused of anything it's optimism, but I refuse to see the glass nearly empty. That's not at all the state of mind I'm in. 

I'm sitting here with a glass of milk in the middle of the night and I have to think about going back to bed soon because my personal helper is going to be here early in the morning. I do have to get up on time if I want to have a cup of coffee leisurely and get dressed properly. After she's been here, the Exfactor will come to do the groceries. 

I can't think of another thing to add.

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.


Monday, January 09, 2012

The same, but different...

I've already slept well and longer than I usually do. I made the mistake of waking up all by myself and in the process waking up the dog who was peacefully lying down beside me on the bed. That was a shame because he'd had no plans to get up until I woke him. 

Once I did, he wouldn't let me go back to sleep, of course, and proceeded to lick my face every time I tried. I blame it on the fact that he enjoys my company. I enjoy his too and would have searched for him immediately if he had not been beside me when I woke up. We are that attached to each other. 

I made just enough coffee for two cups, but I only drank one until my stomach protested and I switched to cold milk. I'm much happier now and my thirst is quenched. 

I've not been drinking nearly the amount of coffee that I used to and I can only think that this is a good thing. As a consequence, I've had to figure out how to make a little bit of coffee in the coffeemaker and I've got that down to a science. I don't need so much coffee to wake up with. A little bit of caffeine goes a long way. My coffee consumption is cut in half. 

Today I'll go on a mission of much importance and I've got to make sure that I'm properly turned out because I have to make a good impression. I have to look like the sensible good woman that I am. Or at least of what society's idea is of that. I've got to put some thought into what I'll wear. Somehow I think that will lend more credence to my words. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.


Sunday, January 08, 2012


I'm having a quiet and peacful time despite the fact that I'm not in bed sleeping and having tranquil dreams. Instead, I'm sitting here with a glass of ice cold milk and a cigarette, in my warm bathrobe, enjoying the wee hours of the night. It will be time to go to bed shortly because I'm starting to yawn, but I will try to write a sensible post before I go. 

I didn't change the sheets on the bed like I had planned to tonight lacking the energy to do it and promising myself that I would do it first thing in the morning. The plan is to get up early enough to do it and to not stay in bed until noon after which I would get side tracked by other things. I do want to have the dirty sheets in the washing machine at a decent time and feel like I'm seizing the day. 

Sunday is not a day to be wasted on frivolous activities. It may be a day of rest, but I try to fill it with useful things to keep me busy and out of trouble. I admit, there isn't a heck of a lot of trouble for a middle aged woman to get into on a Sunday in a town in the Netherlands, but I always pretend there could be to give my life that dangerous edge. I do have an extensive fantasy life. 

The cat and the dog chased a mouse around the apartment for two days and nights and finally this evening the cat got a hold of it. That hold didn't last long and the mouse escaped in the living room where the dog grabbed it. That soon was the end of its little life. It gave one final squeek and then it was over. The dog carried it around with him for a while until he finally dropped it and I could dispose of it. It was a field mouse that the cat had brought in from outside. No wildlife is safe around here. The cat has turned out to be quite a hunter. 

That was the excitement for the evening and now at least that mouse is not hiding under my bed anymore. I did have some trouble sleeping one night with the animals trying to get to it. Only when they gave up on it could I go to sleep knowing that the mouse was behind the headboard. I'm getting used to a lot. 

I've got to go to sleep now. I must get a certain amount of sleep if I want to get up early in the morning and get the show on the road on time. 

Sleep tight and have a good weekend.


Thursday, January 05, 2012

Once more into the jungle...

I am deeply involved with a close family member's psychological problems and, although it is something I can not blog about freely, I do want to bring it to your attention because it's something that weighs heavily on my mind. It is a responsibilty that I don't take lightly and I realize how much depends on how well I deal with my involvement with this. I am called upon to be very wise and sensible and to think before I act and say anything lest I say the wrong thing or make the wrong move.

I wanted to paint this picture for you because I didn't want you to think that I just merrily skipped through life without a worry on my mind as I give the impression to. I have a tendency sometimes to be on the shallow side and not get into everything too deeply because of a sense of decorum. I can't give away too many secrets. Especially not when I blog about other people, but there is a lot more going on beneath the surface than I let on. 

I am able to help someone else because of my own experiences. I have had many hard lessons in life and learned a lot from them and no doubt still will. I can apply what I have learned and discovered to someone who hasn't quite gotten there yet but who is exploring desperately. I won't overstep my boundaries and think that I will take the place of a professional, that is not my intention. I will merely be a helper in that process and and another person making it more insightful. I do realize the importance of my role. 

I am sitting here getting mightily chilled because of the cold milk I am drinking. I have had my cups of coffee and I am more than lucid. 

I am in the process of learning to sleep at night without my sleep medication. I am doing pretty good so far. I do still get up for a few hours, but all in all I manage to get enough sleep. At least as much as I did when I was still taking it so it makes no difference. I don't sit here any longer in the middle of the night getting that high that I used to get and I am glad about that. It was an artificial high and I didn't really enjoy it. I much rather feel like myself.

It is really the dog who I need to train that I have to sleep through the night. He does insist on waking me up halfway through. Sometimes I manage to settle him down and sleep for another hour, but he usually manages to make enough of a pest of himself to get me up. I guess it is a habit that is going to die hard. I am going to have to apply some psychology to him. 

Have a good evening you all. 


Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Great and small...

I'm having my second much needed cup of coffee after experiencing serious brain drain when I got up from my nap this afternoon. I slept a little longer than I had intended to, but I must have needed the sleep. As a result, I was a little foggy when I got up and needed the caffeine very much. 

I was reluctant to make a pot of coffee because sometimes my stomach revolts against it and I never know when that is going to be. I sat here bleary eyed and had no other choice but to make one if I wanted to get anything done and be in a good mood. 

Luckily, the coffee was quickly made and the first cup not only agreed with my stomach but also put my mind in working order in no time at all. I was tremendously cheered. I felt that I had triumphed over evil forces and that the goodness of the caffeine was allowed to do its healing work. 

Outside it is raining hard and the wind is whipping it against the windows. I don't think the dog and I will be going for a walk any time soon. The weather has been bad for the past few days and I don't know exactly when it is supposed to improve. I'm hopelessly out of touch with the latest news. I haven't been watching TV at all.

My daughter and her father are on their way back to the States. I'm in the process of getting used to their absence and that will take me a while. I must be careful not to fall into a big hole and I have to hang on to the sense of optimism that I got out of the visit. It did me a lot of good and I feel like a reborn woman.

I have made some resolutions for the new year and I hope I can stick to them. They are not too complicated and some of them are just continuations of ones that I had last year. Others are new and take some effort to get used to as new goals. It's easier to leave everything the way it was, but not wiser. 

There is such a thing called emotional investment and I've decided to do much more of it. In the past I've always been afraid to take the chance in case I got hurt, but now I'm willing to invest. It's going to be a theme throughout my life this whole year and I'm going to put a lot of effort into it. It's not just going to be a hobby that I do on the side. 

The focus will not be on me but on other people. My look will be outwards. I will not be self centered but social. There is enough of me to go around. 

Have a good day, all of you.


Sunday, January 01, 2012

After New Year's Eve...

I can tell you that I've spent a lovely New Year's Eve with my daughter and her father, just the three of us, and that was perfect. We felt like a family again. My sister and her friend and her kids had all gone to a party and we had the place to ourselves. We spent quality time together and rang in the New Year with a glass of wine and hugs and kisses. I couldn't have asked for more. 

We watched the fireworks that were set off all over town until most of them had been shot into the air and I could get onto my bike and ride it safely home in the middle of the night. I did have to go home and make sure the animals were alright. I had locked them into the back of the apartment with the windows and the shades closed hoping that the fireworks wouldn't bother them too much. 

When I got home, they were waiting by the front door and didn't seem in too bad a shape. They weren't traumatized or anything. I made sure they got their hugs and kisses too.

I had been worried about spending quality time with my daughter the last few days that she is here, but it seems that I'm going to have ample opportunity to. We have already planned what we are going to do today. All I have to do is get some sleep before we'll go and do it. 

Of course, I'm still wide awake and excited from the late night I've had. I had such a good time. It was so enjoyable. I feel like I've reconnected to both my daughter and her father again and that now everything is back to normal. It feels like we are a unit with a common goal and that is to achieve whatever is good for the three of us and our daughter in specific. 

I must go to bed, however, and get some sleep. I must be perky again in a few hours. 

Happy New Year, everyone. May this be the best year ever.