Sunday...

This morning, a flock of geese flew southbound overhead. They were very noisy, that's what caused me to look out the window to the sky. It's fall. This weekend, from east to west across the country, birdwatchers are counting migrating birds. The sparrow, that used to be abundant everywhere, is disappearing across Western Europe at a rate of 95% in some cities. Nobody knows exactly why. They are replaced by tits. I can't help it.

Jesker wouldn't drink any water today. He had not had any since yesterday. I scoured his bowl and filled it with fresh water and followed him wherever he lied down, but he would not drink any. Finally I filled a bowl with milk and he drank that. Mission accomplished. Now I've got to get a hold of some more milk, because I don't have enough to last until tomorrow, but I know that he will get some fluids in him. He did eat a bowl of food this afternoon.

When I took him out this morning, he was very confused. When I put the leash on him, he walked into my bedroom. When we were in the common hallway and I opened the outside door, he went behind the door. When we walked outside he went in the wrong direction. I only went to the edge of the field with him and back. That wore him out enough. He walked very slowly and carefully as if it was an effort.

I just took him out again and he did a bit better, we made it around the little field at a slow pace and to my surprise we made it all the way home. He always has a bit of a revival in the afternoon, but he's sound asleep again now. I suppose that was quite a bit of exercise for him.

I don't get much of a chance to figure out how I am doing. My main concern is with the dog. My whole focus is on him and he is pretty much what my world revolves around right now. I do some housework and read and sleep and answer my emails and blog and in between everything, I keep an eye on him. I watch what he does, although all he really does is sleep, but he does move around a bit, and every time he does , I pay attention in the hopes that it will mean an improvement.

It's like being in the waiting room of a hospital and waiting to hear how your patient is doing, except that you're not getting any relevant information. I feel completely in the dark as to what is wrong with Jesker, because I think there's something else going on than an infection. He's too sick and not recuperating.

So, I can't think much about anything else. I do remember to take my medicines on time and I'm making sure I sleep at night and catch up on the rest during the day. I feel anxious and on edge, but that is normal considering the circumstances. It's not out of the ordinary. I do feel patient enough to wait it out, but I worry about leaving him on his own tomorrow when I have my creative class. All he will do is sleep, though, and he won't need me to stay home for that. I just have to make sure he's taken care of before I leave.

I think I lived this way my whole life in my first marriage. The focus was always on the kids and my husband and the house and the dog and the cats. I lived in a constant state of more or less anxiety, depending on the circumstances, and I didn't really get around to focusing on me much, although I did make attempts to, ill timed as they were and ill conceived. I always had to include everybody else into the equation, so nothing was ever just about me. Much as I wanted to, I never made my own choices until the end and even then I was limited in what I could do.

Well, water under the bridge, right? I've forgiven myself for that time and got it straight in my head. I used to think I was some kind of degenerated mother and a disloyal wife, but now I know better. I've ceased to judge myself harshly and now see things for what they were. Thank God!

My sister just called and she has extra milk, so I'm going over there to get it. I will just have to leave him alone for a bit. It will be the first time that I do.

Have a good rest of the day. A cold day!

Ciao,
Nora

A new look...

Yes, you will think you have arrived on someone else's page, but you really are in the right place. I was tired of my old look and wanted something radically different and chose this, because I liked the font and the plainness of the page. Right now I like having no picture and just the title and the simple dots. Sometimes I want change, because I get tired of what I always look at and I need something new to invigorate me. Blogger doesn't have many templates to choose from and this is the best one I could come up with. I think it will do nicely.

I have been up most of the night. I woke up very early and had no sleep left in me. There was no sense in staying in bed, because all I would do is lay there and think about stuff that would bother me, such as my past sins and other evils. No, I'm joking, but only partly so. I don't know what would happen if I laid awake in bed at night, because I never do. I avoid that at all costs. In the past I used to think about very sad things, but I haven't given myself the opportunity to do that in a long time, because I get up the minute I wake up and I don't go back to bed until I'm literally keeling over from sleep.

Past sins are the thoughts that come and haunt you in the middle of the night when your defenses are down and when you are at your most helpless and not able to fight a good fight and resist the harshness of your most cruel memories. And everything you think is tainted by the deepest color black and honed to the sharpest cut to make the deepest wounds. It's an onslaught of negative memories that make you cower under the covers and want to hide your whole being in shame.

The worst thing you can do is lay there like a helpless victim and let it wash all over you. My tactic is to get up and escape the darkness and the thoughts and to find the light and some distraction for my mind. Now I've gotten to the point where the negative thoughts don't even have a chance to enter my head, but I open my eyes and am beside my bed and the next second I am in the living room with the lights on and then in the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee and to light a cigarette. Immediately my thoughts turn to the upcoming day and the things I will do in it and how exciting those will be, no matter how small and simple, and I don't spend a moment pondering over my past and the "evil" deeds I've committed in it.

You can either forgive yourself or put your deeds in the context of the time and place and circumstances in which they happened and learn to live with them and I think I have done the latter. It was not so much a question of forgiveness as of understanding. The understanding it takes to only take your share of the responsibility and not a portion more than that. To leave the rest for the other people involved, whether they accept it or not. You can't make people accept their responsibility, you can only take on that bit of it that is your own and learn to live with that.

It can be infuriating to see how people avoid taking the blame in a drama in which they played a major role and in which they had many of the most important scenes, even after you left and they continued to star in their version of the story. In the end, you can only feel pity for them, because as you grow and gain understanding and insight and wisdom, they stagnate and flounder in their repetitive motions and scripts and scenarios, bound to make the same mistakes over and over again. Not that you are suddenly faultless, but at least you try to improve and discover somebody else than who you were when it wasn't working.

Life seems to be a long journey leading up to graduate school. I am now studying for my master's degree in living well. Which is the best revenge, isn't it? Living well is the best revenge.

Now, I'm not claiming that I'm living the optimal life, far from it. I have a way to go yet. There are many things I'm not doing yet, adventures I'm not having, chances I'm not taking, places I'm not visiting. journeys I'm not making. But it will all come in its own sweet time. I'm playing it safe right now. Exploring minimal ground, just base camp and its immediate surroundings. I'm not going anywhere where I can't retreat quickly inside the walls of my apartment. Even more so now that I'm single and this place is so dear to me.

I should add, for all clarity, that what I talked about here is not my second marriage, but my life in the States that lasted 22 years and that was a very important time during which I had two children, a house, 2 cars, a dog, a cat, many friends, a husband, and a heartache. I have divorced that husband, remarried, left the States, lost my son, and gotten divorced again. Now I am single like I ought to be. Finally, I'm on my own. A single, solitary human being. Autonomous and independent and not yet lonely.

Ciao,
Nora