Spare time not spent sleeping...

I'm having myself a cup of coffee to get rid of this sleepiness I feel and have been feeling pretty much all day long. I've succumbed to it and slept a lot, but I'm yawning again and don't want to dislocate my jaw like I did this morning. It's making a lot of noise when I open and close it, so I better be careful. 

I'm looking forward to going to bed, though, and I can't wait for it to be late enough to go. I do want to wait until a decent enough hour. I want to make sure that I don't wake up too early in the middle of the night as I'm bound to. I don't have any appointments tomorrow and I can actually sleep as late as I want. So if I do get up in the middle of the night, I can go back to bed later and finish sleeping. 

The Exfactor was here today to do the rest of the grocery shopping. It was quite a relief to see a friendly face. Someone who didn't make any demands on me. That was nice. I didn't experience the visit of the personal helper that way yesterday. I felt that I had to perform and do something special while I was not up to it. I couldn't adequately explain how I felt to her. 

I don't know if I explained it well to the Exfactor, but it seemed to matter less. We had coffee together and chatted and he did the groceries and afterward we chatted some more. We didn't talk about anything really important. It didn't seem that way to me anyway. My perception may have been off a bit, though, because I still felt a lot of anxiety. It hadn't left my system yet. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon, and without going into the details of the long conversation that we had, I have to say that she helped me get to the core of the anxiety and the cause of it, and that since then I feel a lot better. The free floating anxiety is gone and I'm only left feeling very tired and wiped out, but with the feeling that I've really reached a destination that I had to get to. Something has been resolved. It will have to be talked about more, but the beginning is there. 

The tiredness that I feel is purely emotional tiredness. It's from carrying heavy loads around. It wears me out. Whenever I have periods when I'm in need of a lot of sleep, you can be sure that it's because I'm bearing a big emotional burden.

I do want to say that I have a lot of grief about my first marriage and the break up of it. I have a lot of unresolved feelings about that whole marriage and about my relationship with my first husband, There is an untold amount of feelings that I have not dealt with ever. I'm going to have to deal with them and I'm planning on doing that. There is an awful lot of pain there and I can't keep walking around with it. It's like constantly being in deep mourning. 

I'm going to put on my pajamas now and at least get ready for bed. It's another matter if I will actually get there right away. I may get sidetracked by some blogs. The intention will be there anyway. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Delete everything...

I've tried several times today to write a post, only to stop after a paragraph or two and to delete what I had written because I was unhappy with it. I turned off the computer each time and retreated to the sofa where I napped all day long in between attempts at writing a post. You all know that sleeping is my way of dealing with emotional upset, so I suppose this is my way of dealing with Jesker's death, which really does bother me in many more ways than even I am consciously aware of. I guess I am in mourning.

I did make it to the tobacco shop and I brought Tyke with me, which was a treat, because it was hurry up and run to the next interesting place and stop suddenly by the succeeding good smelling spot. I had to hit the brakes many times or drag him with me against his will. He does provide recreational entertainment.

And here is where I freeze up and don't know what else to write. A great tiredness falls over me and all I want to do is sleep and it seems like so much effort to keep on writing. So you'll have to excuse me if this is all I write, because I'm not going to delete this also. I'm going to put on my pajamas an bathrobe and pretend it's very late at night.

Ciao...