Thursday, December 03, 2009

Taking a deep breath...

It's been a tough week for me. Emotions have run high and I have felt a lot of anxiety. It was a busy week and I tried to simplify it as much as possible and when I woke up this morning and realized I was depressed, I canceled my appointment with Social Services and they will send me a new one for next week. I hoped that by taking the pressure off this way, I would feel better, but as I got dressed to walk the dog, I realized that I was completely down and out and that I just didn't see any way out of my mood. I considered calling my psychiatrist to discuss it and to maybe make an adjustment in my medications, but then I thought that I ought to try and search for the cause of my depression myself and as I walked the dog I thought about everything. I had become progressively worse over the week no matter what I tried to do to make it easier on myself and I realized that what I really was not looking forward to was this coming weekend with J. I had tried to tell myself that it was a golden lining on the dark clouds of my week, but I came to think that maybe it was a big dark cloud itself and that it was not a golden lining at all.

Once I admitted that to myself, the rest was easy and I thought of how I was looking at the weekend as a huge mountain that I had to scale and that the very thought of it made me feel tired and defeated before I had even started. I realized that I really didn't want an intimate relationship with anyone, because of the emotional energy it required and that I did not have any spare energy to invest in it. I also realized that I liked my time on my own and didn't really want to share it that intimately with another person and be "on" all the time. To be kind and thoughtful and amusing and attractive and lovely and all the things you are required to be when you are in a relationship with someone. I wanted to be the opposite and to be ornery and anti social.

So, here I was feeling totally depressed with that weekend looming over me and what to do? Cancel it, of course, but it would be hard to do, yet I could not let it happen feeling the way I did. How can you be totally depressed about having someone come see you and have that someone expect to have a nice weekend with you and you don't want it to happen at all? Especially when that person has to travel 4 hours by train to get to you. I could not let it be. So I wrote a kind, but truthful email explaining myself and called the whole thing off and afterwards I felt a sense of relief. I do admit I feel bad for the person involved, but I feel that I have to honor my own feelings and that I can't go though with something that feels so very wrong.

I don't want to have an intimate relationship with anybody. I am not ready for it, nor do I know if I will ever be. I was such a mess this week that I even considered self damaging and I think that is going too far. I need to be alone. Just me by myself living my own life without the interference of an other person, however restricted it is. I don't want someone to show up on a regular basis and have expectations of me. Someone for whom I will have to perform. To be thought good enough of. I don't want that. I am good enough by myself.

So that's the way it is. That's me really simplifying my life. I'm taking the complications out of it and making it as smooth as it can be. I don't want to be depressed and stressed out anymore.



Wildernesschic said...

I know exactly how you are feeling have been there and have written same email.. but .. have you considered that the imminent visit maybe what has made you go into panic and so send you down the depression cycle .. I know, sometimes that is the case with me. Next time why don't you try and see it through it may be just the tonic you need as long as it is a real friend who is the guest and not a high maintenance one , just a suggestion xxxx

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Well it's good to pin down the issue that was causing you to feel down. I really had thought you were looking forward to seeing him though - that's what I picked up in previous posts.

Maybe it is because of the pressure on expectations? That if things didn't go well for whatever reason the fallout would be too difficult?

It is a very big hurdle to get over - to establish how things might be between you. A complex thing to do with so much riding on it ie loss of friendship altogether if things went wrong.

I'm sure J will understand that you just don't feel ready to take it on at the moment. Maybe you need to just meet as friends again for a while, without expectation - or even with a bar on anything outside friendship happening. That will lessen the stress and enable you to reconnect with him.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

laurie said...

once again, kudos to you for being able to figure yourself out in this way. i admire how honest you are with yourself. you don't let yourself off the hook, but figure things out. that's hard to do.

i have two books packaged up and ready to mail to you. hopefully i'll get to the P.O. tomorrow.

Lane said...

I'm pleased.

Whatever lessens your stress at the moment is the right cause of action.

I'm sure J will understand. I think you've been very sensible.

Maggie May said...

Well at least you know what you want, Nora and what you are capable of and that goes a long way.
Hoping that this decision has settled the matter and that you will feel a lot better from now on.
Word verification is mopin! Hope you are not doing that!
'Nite my friend.X

Nuts in May

frazzledsugarplummum said...

Proud of you.

Babaloo said...

Well done for figuring this out and acting on it!

While you certainly don't need to be attractive and fascinating and entertaining in a relationship (if you did, that would be the end of 90% of all relationships, I'm sure), this can be the case at the beginning of one. Because of the demands we have on ourselves. So it was probably a wise move to call the weekend off. Hope you have a peaceful one now!

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aims said...

It's amazing what expectations we dream up by ourselves. Your expectations - not J's.

A real relationship has no expectations.

Sorry it has turned out this way. You were so happy and so enjoyed yourself.

Grit said...

someone once described me as being brutal in honesty but i think this expression is for you; you are so honest with yourself nora, it is raw. i admire you for that, and at the same time i want you to be happy and content; personally speaking i know that happy state is one i can only achieve if i conceal things to myself. it's a tough state to be in.

Frances said...

Nora, you are expressing something here that is so strange about us women.
J became attached to you as a friend and attracted to you without you making an effort to be anything but yourself. Now that the relationship has altered slightly, you have put pressure on yourself to somehow be better in some way you are defining - forgetting that you don't have to change for J. He likes you as you are. He knows you. Why are we able to be ourselves with people where there is no 'love interest' but feel the need to be a somehow improved version for anyone where there are other feelings? Imponderable.
Wish you could have avoided that old trap - but you can't change how you respond when it is instinctive. Sure you will work this out. Love and hugs