Thursday, December 03, 2009
Taking a deep breath...
It's been a tough week for me. Emotions have run high and I have felt a lot of anxiety. It was a busy week and I tried to simplify it as much as possible and when I woke up this morning and realized I was depressed, I canceled my appointment with Social Services and they will send me a new one for next week. I hoped that by taking the pressure off this way, I would feel better, but as I got dressed to walk the dog, I realized that I was completely down and out and that I just didn't see any way out of my mood. I considered calling my psychiatrist to discuss it and to maybe make an adjustment in my medications, but then I thought that I ought to try and search for the cause of my depression myself and as I walked the dog I thought about everything. I had become progressively worse over the week no matter what I tried to do to make it easier on myself and I realized that what I really was not looking forward to was this coming weekend with J. I had tried to tell myself that it was a golden lining on the dark clouds of my week, but I came to think that maybe it was a big dark cloud itself and that it was not a golden lining at all.
Once I admitted that to myself, the rest was easy and I thought of how I was looking at the weekend as a huge mountain that I had to scale and that the very thought of it made me feel tired and defeated before I had even started. I realized that I really didn't want an intimate relationship with anyone, because of the emotional energy it required and that I did not have any spare energy to invest in it. I also realized that I liked my time on my own and didn't really want to share it that intimately with another person and be "on" all the time. To be kind and thoughtful and amusing and attractive and lovely and all the things you are required to be when you are in a relationship with someone. I wanted to be the opposite and to be ornery and anti social.
So, here I was feeling totally depressed with that weekend looming over me and what to do? Cancel it, of course, but it would be hard to do, yet I could not let it happen feeling the way I did. How can you be totally depressed about having someone come see you and have that someone expect to have a nice weekend with you and you don't want it to happen at all? Especially when that person has to travel 4 hours by train to get to you. I could not let it be. So I wrote a kind, but truthful email explaining myself and called the whole thing off and afterwards I felt a sense of relief. I do admit I feel bad for the person involved, but I feel that I have to honor my own feelings and that I can't go though with something that feels so very wrong.
I don't want to have an intimate relationship with anybody. I am not ready for it, nor do I know if I will ever be. I was such a mess this week that I even considered self damaging and I think that is going too far. I need to be alone. Just me by myself living my own life without the interference of an other person, however restricted it is. I don't want someone to show up on a regular basis and have expectations of me. Someone for whom I will have to perform. To be thought good enough of. I don't want that. I am good enough by myself.
So that's the way it is. That's me really simplifying my life. I'm taking the complications out of it and making it as smooth as it can be. I don't want to be depressed and stressed out anymore.