Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Sense and sensibility...

I just made an attempt at mooching two more books over at Bookmooch. I'll find out if I was successful soon. I have my fourth cubicle on the bookcase filled up with mooched books and have to make room for a fifth one. Greediness doesn't come into play at all, of course! No, really! Well, the truth is, that whenever I have any points, I spend them on mooching books as quickly as I can, because my wish list is long. There are many people in the States who have good books, but who only send inside their own country, so I have to take advantage of books that are offered in European countries or other countries closer by. That's not always easy, not if I want to get the books that are on my wish list. I do deviate from it sometimes and try something else, but then I usually just end up enlarging my wish list to include that author as well. That got me to try Margaret Drabble's novels again and David Gutenberg, whom I had never read before. Some novels that I mooch I have read before through books borrowed from the library, but I want to reread them and own my own copy of them, like Beloved from Toni Morrison, a hauntingly beautiful book. I'm also trying to get as many books from Alice Adams as I can, but it is hard. I'm going to have to do another search for more of her books and see if I missed any.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here yawning and that is a good sign for the night to come. It will hopefully mean I'll have another good night's sleep like I had last night. I was so awfully cozy in bed and when I tried to read my book before I went to sleep, none of it made any sense at all, because I was incapable of reading it. I was too sleepy to be able comprehend what I was reading and it is the last story in the collection of stories by Alice Adams and especially poetic as she talks about her childhood home and she describes the garden and all the growing things in it. I remember thinking to myself that she was not making any sense at all and that she must be writing in some very special language and that I obviously needed to pay special attention and that I was not capable of it at all, try as I might. It was like being in the Twilight Zone.

I think my days off are not so very good for me at all. I sit and fret too much and don't actually get anything done, because I'm too busy being anxious about things. It would be different if I were actually productive, but today was another wasted day and I don't have much to show for it. I must make a change in that and get a different start to the day. Start off with more momentum and keep it going somehow. The computer is also taking up too much of my time and I have to do something about that. I allow myself to waste many precious hours behind it and turn it on first thing in the morning, instead of waiting until I have gotten some things done first. I waste the first hours of the day behind it, when I could be more productive doing other things. It's a habit I'm going to have to break. I'm a junkie, that's for sure. I must stop being one. My whole day revolves around the computer and it must stop.

Resolution made.

It's an awful lot of fun to sit here in the evenings, though, and and write my thoughts down. I shouldn't do that in the morning when I don't have the proper time for it, except on the weekends maybe. I do enjoy the serenity of the evenings and the peace and quiet and the idea that nothing else is required of me. That's why I need to fill my days in differently and be more productive, so that the evenings really will be those resting points that they are meant to be. The dog has the right idea. He makes sure he's eaten well and that he's made his pit stops and settles down for the evening, only coming around to be petted every now and then. I guess what a body needs is consistency and structure and I'm not giving myself that. I think that's what's causing the anxiety, I'm not living a structured life. I'm the only one who can change that.

Tomorrow morning I have creative therapy. It will be the last Wednesday class. I will work on my silly pen and ink drawing that I have no idea of what it's supposed to be. Maybe I'll do something completely different as long as I can finish it in one morning. I like working with the pen and ink and would like to invest in them myself and also get the colored inks. They are a lot of fun to work with. I like them better than working with paints. I like how they are just a bit transparent, yet cover the spaces quickly. You can use any size brush and work as small or as large as you want with them. Or just use the pen and draw. I have a lot of ideas of what I could do with colored inks if I had them myself. I'm going to look for them when I go to Action and hopefully they'll have them there and they won't be too expensive. I am participating in a Card Exchange in January and would like to make some of my own cards and the inks would be prefect for that.

After that, I have one more creative class on Friday and that will be it. Then I have some time off until the therapy starts at the SPC. That stands for the Social Psychiatric Center, by the way. It's almost the same in Dutch as it is in English. Het Sociale Psychiatrisch Centrum. I'll miss my creative classes, but I think it will also be good to do something different in a different location with a different therapist. It will give me a whole new point of view and maybe I'll learn new techniques and discover hidden talents. A new environment can be stimulating and release new ideas and give me courage to try new things. I sure hope that I don't start repeating myself and redo all the things I have done so far just to prove that I can do it. I already know what I want to start with there. I have the idea about that fixed in my head and it has to do with aboriginal art. I saw some examples of it there and I want to try it myself.

Alright, it's time for me to go to bed. First I will take my medicines and have something to eat. Then I will get my books and go lay me down to read and, perchance, to sleep. Well, I better. I have to get up early.

I hope you will all have a good night and that your morning will bring you good weather. Unfortunately, it's going to rain here, which is really a bummer. I do so dislike getting wet, but you already knew that.



laurie said...

tell me which Alice Adams you already have. i might have some alice adams i can send you.

Anonymous said...

I also waste too much time in front of the computer. And know I'm doing it too, then I get annoyed with myself!

Reading at night just makes me fall asleep. Hope you get another good night tonight.

CJ xx

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I know exactly what you mean about needing a focus or structure to your day. It makes a big difference. Imposing your own structure can be difficult - there's no one to challenge you if you don't stick to it! I think your idea about getting jobs done early on is a good one.

Hope you had a good nights sleep and made it to creative therapy.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

aims said...

Perhaps your calender needs to be one that has times on it so you can pencil in computer time - reading time - creative time - cleaning time.

Just a thought