Monday, December 07, 2009
I slept late this morning. I couldn't figure out how to not have the alarm clock go off at 7 am, so it did, but I shut it off and went back to sleep until I was good and ready to get up. Then I didn't do much with my time, but sit behind the computer and answer my emails and when I was done with that, I walked the dog who was getting pretty frustrated. I tried to do some work in the afternoon, but I was struck be the desire to sleep and spent almost all afternoon on the sofa in a deep coma from which I could not wake myself. The phone rang at one point and I tried to get up, but it was to no avail and I had to go lie down again and finish sleeping. Even now I don't know if I'm really done with it.
I don't know why I have to sleep so much, except that I could be to let all the emotional impressions of the day before settle into my brain. It seems to exhaust me to do anything different than just my ordinary sedentary life. Whenever I do anything out of the ordinary, I need to sleep a lot. If I do not sleep, I get neurotic and anxious and start losing my mind a little bit. I just can't function then. Sleeping soothes me, it is like having a lullaby sung to you and having your cradle rocked. I'm in the everlasting arms of peace and serenity. When I wake up, and I have slept enough, I have an whole new outlook on life. Like I've taken a medicine that's cured me. I can't emphasize the importance of sleep enough. For anybody.
Now I'm drinking some orange juice. My brain needed some sugar to help wake it up. The English do that with a cup of tea. The Dutch drink tea also, but it seems fashionable to drink tea without sugar in it, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of having a cup of tea, I think, and you should have a digestive to dunk with it.
I don't like the orange juice as much as I like the fruit juice, but they were all out of that by the time I got to the store on Saturday. I told you I should do my shopping at 8 am, but I'm not always in shape to do it then. Frankly, most mornings I'm too lazy to get going that quickly. I have to get up early tomorrow morning for an appointment downtown at 9 am at the SPC and I'm not looking forward to it. It is way too early to be on my bike and expose myself to the rush hour traffic. I'm looking at it with a certain amount of despair. Like, "Do I really have to do this?"
My SPN is coming for a home visit tomorrow at 4 pm, which means I have to have the place looking good. I'm also looking at that with a certain amount of despair. I will pull it off as well as I can, but that is about it. I suppose that these are two things I am not very happy about and if I could get out of them I would. I think you could say that I am mildly depressed about them and that courage is quickly deserting me as I write this. I think I am not in the least bit brave and not at all stubborn enough to fulfill some tasks. I get too intimidated by some things and am lost in the face of them. That's when I don't like to be alone and would like to have someone help me and I would like to live under a little bit easier circumstances. I would just like for some things to not be so complicated.
I have proved to myself that I can live alone and take care of myself in a fashion, but I guess that sometimes I would like for someone to be here to share the load with me. I do get tired of being brave all by myself all the time and I'm not managing the household well. I do need help with that.
Well, before I get bogged down in all sorts of mind breaking problem solving, I better stop writing this and start watching the news. That will be something to get my mind off things.
Have a good night.