Friday, December 18, 2009

Friday at the best time of the day...

I'm saying that, but I don't know at all if it's true. I'm just saying it as a wishful way of thinking, to make it come true, because I'll be darned if I'm not going to feel well now.

I'm sitting here with a big glass of juice and a cigarette and the dog at my feet. Outside it's -3C, which is an improvement, because this morning it was -7C and that was just a little bit colder. My sister and I were at the grocery store before 8 am and we had to wait just a few minutes in the cold before the manager opened the doors. It makes you think of homeless people immediately and how they manage to get through the night.

We got our groceries done fast enough and were home by 8:30 am. I unloaded everything very quickly and had something to eat, but because I only had 6 hours of sleep, I realized I needed to go back to bed and sleep some more, which I did. Every once in a while I woke up, but I knew it wasn't time to get up yet, until it was noontime and I felt that I was awake properly and could face the day. I let the whole thing depend on my mood. If I feel at all down and out, I don't get up, but wait until that feeling is completely gone. If I get up too soon, I will be very miserable and suffer unnecessarily and think the world is coming to an end. I can't stand any suffering. I don't do it gracefully at all.

I think I'm very sensitive to emotional pain, or maybe everybody is and I just feel more of it quicker. I feel quickly overwhelmed by my emotions and feel like they roll over me like a big strong storm that I have little control over. I get upset and distraught very easily and scared that I will fall apart. I'm very much afraid that I will lose control over the scenario and that I will lose touch with reality. Sometimes I feel myself fall apart and fly into dozens of little pieces and I become very scared and I think I will not be able to gather myself back together again.

I'm happiest when I try not to feel anything. When I'm free of emotions, although I really don't know if I actually am at that point, or if I'm just happy then about nothing at all. Just about being alive, maybe. It's when I've managed to push every obnoxious thought away and my head feels empty of them and there's only room for pleasant thoughts for a while, however small and insignificant they are. It's the absence of pain. It's in the void of that that I'm alive.

Well, so much for serious words. I have to keep in mind that I'm decreasing my medication and that I'm going to feel some emotions now that I haven't felt for some time. They have been numbed by the medicines. I've just had to take an antipsychotic tablet and not wait until tonight, because I felt my mind going through the withdrawal from that. I would normally already have had two tablets of it plus the one I didn't have last night. That's a lot all at once. It melts on your tongue, so it enters your system quickly. All I have to do now is wait for it to work.

In the meantime, while I'm preoccupied with the workings of my mind, and how can I ignore them at this point, I still haven't gotten the stamps that I need for all the Christmas cards that I wrote last night. The little post office wasn't open yet this morning, so I couldn't get them. That means I either have to go there this afternoon, or get them on Monday when I send the packages with the books. Christmas is sneaking up on me this year. I didn't realize it was next week. In my mind it was still two weeks away. I hope I'm not the only one with this problem. Tell me I'm not! Even though it's freezing outside and we've had some snow, I just wasn't ready for it to be Christmas yet. It seems to come sooner every year, but maybe that's okay, because that means winter will be over quickly and it will be springtime soon. Spoken like a real optimist, right?

I know there are people in Canada who are a heck of a lot colder than I am, that's for sure. Our little cold climate is nothing compared to theirs. They really feel what winter is all about. They live in arctic conditions. So I won't complain about the cold too much. It's not that bad after all. I'll complain when it gets to be -15C. I think I'll have every good right to then. I don't think I have clothes warm enough for that kind of weather, although I do have a really good winter coat in a Russian kind of way. It's not very stylish, but it's warm.

It's taking me forever to write this, but in the meantime my medication is working and I'm feeling a lot better, so I know what to do now. Take one tablet in the middle of the day. I just can't last so long without one. It makes my mind do funny things. It makes me feel slightly desperate.

It's very dark in here. I only have the desk lamp on and the rest of the living room is shrouded in darkness. That's because it's so cloudy outside and it wouldn't surprise me if it started to snow again. I don't like for the living room to be so dark and it certainly isn't good for my plants. Those poor things have a hard enough time as it is under my 'green' thumb. I have to change the light bulb in one of the overhead lamps. It isn't very bright and it takes a long time to get up to strength. It's an energy saving bulb that comes to life slowly and then never really makes it's promise come true. I think I will do better if I change it for another one. I don't know why this one in particular behaves this way.

Do you think that 600 grams of wet food is too much food for a medium sized dog to eat? That is 21 ounces. It seems to be what the dog needs to be satisfied. I was giving him 400 grams (14 ounces), but that was leaving him hungry and scrounging the cat food. It's the best quality dog food there is made with lean meat and vegetables.

Well, that's all for me for today. It's taken me the better part of the afternoon to write this, just about. You've gone through a whole mood change with me. I don't know if you're aware of that.



Twain12 said...

I have to say i love the pictures that accompany your post :). I'm not sure about the amount of food for your Dog. I free feed and all 3dogs are a good weight, so i would say if he is not overweight it should be OK. I hope that adjusting your medicine will have the desired effect. My d/h suffers from PTSD and in the beginning they over medicated him, now he is just on one kind of medication and it works well. It took a while though to get the right dose....good luck with it .

aims said...

I'll have to check with the house guest when he returns to ask him about the amount of food he gives his dogs. I'll email you about it.

As for your saying you feel like you are flying apart in little tiny bits. I say that a lot. My way of saying it is - I feel like I am composed of a million cds and they are all flying away from me.

Strange. Strange that we say almost the same thing.

And - I was going to ask you the other day if you feel happy in anyway. Strange that you would mention that.

Audio books. Keeps the mind busy.

Lucky Dip Lisa said...

No Christmas has a way of sneaking up, even when you have kids at home giving your a day by day count down! An advent calander helps not only them, but me keep track of time.

I think sleep sounds like a good managment tool, better than misery which sounded like the other option you could see.

I know nothing about dogs....

Love the new look blog, I have been more absent than I like, maybe it's not so new...

Maggie May said...

I think everyone has a basic fear of losing control. Especially people who like to feel in control of everything most of the time.....perfectionists, say.

Not sure how much a dog needs to eat.Can you look it up on line?

It has been freezing here all day. I hate it.

have a good night X

Nuts in May

Gail said...

You picture has a taste of Dali. I like it.

Christmas is next week???? Why didn't some one tell me?

I have no idea about dog food, I feed them when they bother me. Just kidding, I feed the outside dogs in the evenings and the inside dogs have access to food all the time.

Words have power so say good things and they may come true.

Anonymous said...

I'm not quite ready for Christmas either - I still have some gifts to pick up and some baking to do.

Our current temperature in the Vancouver area is 8 C and it's drizzling. We had below zero temperatures and snow last week, but this week has warmed up a lot. Still, we all remember last year's record snowfall at Christmas-time, so I don't think anybody is totally relaxing yet!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Glad you got the grocery shopping over and done with so early on. A weight off your mind.

I have lived large chucks of time since my breakdown in a state of fragmentation and it is very frightening. BUT I found that I actually prefer it to my other mode of being which is severe depression. Fragmentation is especially frightening at first but I find ways of dealing with it and keeping things OK.

Any adjustment in meds is bound to make you feel different for a while. Can you cut down very slowly? I have always found that changing anything has to be done really slowly.

It takes me forever to write anything!

Glad you're feeling better at the end of the post than at the start!

Bearfriend xx

Debi said...

First, the dog food. I read that you should feed the amount that satisfies your dog, not a mathematical amount. Perhaps it has to do with unique metabolism per dog? I know my dog (now dogs) eats quite a bit more in the winter than in the summer. It runs in the family.

I don't comment here much, but I do read you in my blog reader. I specifically meant to comment, though, when you posted photos of your living room. I wanted to say it was just as I expected: cheerful, neat and tidy. I laughed when I saw you had your books organized by color. Or did you blog about that and did I miss that one?

Hope you are sleeping peacefully while I write this from Texas.

Granny on the Web said...

When I had my breakdown, some 40 years ago I wrote a short poem to describe my feeling of shattering.

'I picked up my heart-
a million pieces off the floor.
I pieced them all together-
but forgot to leave a door.

Now, can only no one enter-
but myself I cannot leave.
If I'd only left a window-
so the love inside could breathe'

I think you are doing very well Nora.
Have a cheerful Christmas.

Love Granny

laurie said...

i'm glad you're feeling better, and i so admire you for being so in tune with your mind and knowing what you need to do, even when it's hard.

and if it helps, yes, i thought christmas was two weeks away, too.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Thank you for the lovely poem, Grannie. It's very appropriate and very well written. I understand the heart it came from. Very beautiful.